Should I tell?

[S2B]

I will see my BF this weekend.

 

Thoughts on beginning pre-marital counseling?

Perhaps the counselor could help guide the confession?

I have never seen a counselor before, so I am unsure of how it all works, but I am interested in seeing someone.

 

The ONLY one who can be honest with him is you... so you will just need to tell him.

 

And there's no value in couples counseling until you get individual counseling to help you understand exactly why you chose to cheat on a perfectly good man/relationship - and what you need to learn in order to never cheat again.

 

Do those two things first. Tell the truth and get yourself help.

[Silver10]

Thank you to everyone for your replies. I value your opinions.

[Poutrew]

Another thing, you stated that your were each other's first and only lover. You have thrown that balance totally off. No man worth his testosterone will let that fact stand uncontested. Are you prepared to stand by and watch while your BF engages in an affair where you have no control over the outcome? He may get the other girl pregnant and need to pay child support payments for the next 18 years... are you prepared to accept that in your life? And, just as he had no control over the outcome of your affair, are you prepared to accept that he may actually fall in love with the other woman and actually want to spend time with her? He may become your husband officially, but have a long term mistress on the side forever. Are you willing to live with that knowing you caused it? Think real hard on this...

[caveman621]

It looks like you've made the correct decision. So I'm just piling on here. Sorry.

 

I've seen a lot of "it was a one time thing" or "I was drunk" type cheating posts. Not that that's an excuse, but..........if it's a one time thing probably more excusable (yeah, levels of excusability, what the hell is that?!) than five times over five months. That means you had PLENTY of time to think about what you did the first time, but still did it four more times. It wasn't a "crime of passion". It was thought out and performed.........four more times!!!!!!

 

One question - Does your BF live close by? Again, not trying to establish level of how excusable it is (or maybe I am), but was your boyfriend close enough to provide physical affection? Or was it a "I haven't had sex for a year because the BF doesn't live close by" kind of thing?

[Silver10]

 

One question - Does your BF live close by? Again, not trying to establish level of how excusable it is (or maybe I am), but was your boyfriend close enough to provide physical affection? Or was it a "I haven't had sex for a year because the BF doesn't live close by" kind of thing?

 

At the time, no, he did not live close by. We were long distance. We now live in the same city, however 45 min apart, but see each other often.

 

I appreciate your interest, comments, and opinion-- do not be sorry.

[frigginlost]

You had your bf hanging out with the guy you were cheating with?

 

Damn that’s cold.

 

I believe you should tell your bf. Give him a chance at least.

 

Absolutely agree.

 

Silver, this is going to pi$$ him off bigtime. I mean, he is going to come unglued when he pieces that together. Be prepared to have fury come at you...

 

You seem like you want to do the right thing, and I applaud you on that. But take it from someone who has been cheated on, you have no idea the amount of work you are going to have to do. Think of the worse, and multiply by 10. Being cheated on is not an overnight fix. It is months and sometimes years of work to overcome.

 

I hope you learned something from it...

[Clay]

I think once the full truth comes out you need to prepare yourself for being single. The longer you wait to tell him the worse off it will be for him. I don't want to sound mean but the fact that you did it over five months says everything about how little you really care for him feelings. You should break up regardless so he can go on with his life have find a woman ready to have a real relationship.

 

I really find it hard to believe that there are decent people out there anymore after reading things like this.

[smackie9]

If life was just that easy... unfortunately, the past can't be undone...and the feelings that go along with what has happened.

Nothing in my post says it will be "undone". What I meant was, sometimes people can put it behind them and move forward. I know many couples that had suffered way worse infidelity, and after time apart, they reunited, worked through it and now are happily married with no other incidence.

 

it's not always cut and dry. Sometimes it increases the bond, not tear it apart. Depends on the individual. Not everyone is willing to completely write off a relationship over a indiscretion, or even an affair. Life is just like that.

[smackie9]

Thank you to everyone for your replies. I value your opinions.

The outcome with be difficult, but I truly believe you are ready to deal with whatever consequences. Best of luck Silver10.

 

We will be here, well I will be here to give you support if you need it. take care.

[harrybrown]

did you get tested for stds? Did you use protection? are you pregnant?

 

you could write a timeline of the A for your B/F and give it to him.

 

make one detailed and the other the summary.

 

Do not have him interact any more with your B/F. that is extremely cruel.

 

if you do care about your B/F, start protecting him and have NC with the OM.

 

complete NC.

 

also, start protecting your relationship and your B/F and stop protecting the OM. Tell his girlfriend what happened.

 

Be honest with your B/F.

 

How would you feel if he dated and had sex with someone else for several months? Would you be hurt?

 

Do not marry him. You have destroyed him. He will never forget this.

 

good luck, but stay away from the OM. He cheated on his girlfriend. He used you for sex. He does not love you.

 

Tell your boyfriend soon. The OM has been bragging on campus about his sex with you with all of his buddies.

[BMI03]

I will see my BF this weekend.

 

Thoughts on beginning pre-marital counseling?

Perhaps the counselor could help guide the confession?

I have never seen a counselor before, so I am unsure of how it all works, but I am interested in seeing someone.

 

Others have said it already, but I agree. Pre-marital counseling is not the answer here. This was your decision to cheat. Not once in a manner that could perhaps be forgiven over time because of poor judgment, call it moment of weakness, crime of passion, drunken mistake, etc. etc. But four more times. You had time to think about it and did it again. So working through this doesn't have to do with him and this relationship. It has to do with you. You are broken and you need to look deep to find out why you would think it all right to do this to someone.

 

While your level of recognition in your posts that you are in the wrong is the right place to be, you are also showing to be quite casual about the idea that you are likely (and hopefully, no offense) going to lose the love of your life. Perhaps its just the nature of you you come across in writing, but it makes me think that you think you love him, but in words only when in fact you are quite disconnected from him emotionally already.

 

And I say "hopefully" you will lose him because what you have described is a heavy indicator that this is going down a bad path for both of you. You, because you are not in a mentally stable enough position to marry someone if you let yourself put your own needs so selfishly in front of the person you think you love. And him, because he is in for a world of hurt, from finding out that the woman he loves betrayed him, numerous times in a calculated way, that she likely will not take herself out of the environment where her fling is (speaks volumes to your priorities and lack of commitment to work at saving the relationship and make your BF feel safe), and the years he will be tormented by this potentially happening again before you discover why you chose to repeatedly sacrifice your relationship. Even if he does try to forgive you, regaining that trust will quite literally take years and years, and that's no way for either of you to be spending your first years as a married couple instead of being lost in love with each other.

 

So I apologize for being harsh, but bottom line....

- You purposefully took multiple actions to ruin your relationship

- A part of me actually thinks you are ok with having ruined it, and may not even regret this outcome deep inside

- He should really leave you, for both your sakes

- You need focused counselling to understand why you would actively ruin a healthy relationship, and also explore whether you even love at all.

 

I hope things work out for you. I really do. You just have a bit of a road in front of you on figuring things out I think. It will come.

[Space Ritual]

I will see my BF this weekend.

 

Thoughts on beginning pre-marital counseling?

Perhaps the counselor could help guide the confession?

I have never seen a counselor before, so I am unsure of how it all works, but I am interested in seeing someone.

 

 

NO!!!

 

Again, You are making decisions for him you have ZERO right to make.

 

Do you not understand that it is your decision making process for him and for the relationship that got you into this mess in the first place?

 

Another attempt to cover your ass to assuage your own guilt and get somebody to tell you this isn't your fault.

 

You don't need a counselor, you need the guts you had to cheat on him to turn into the guts you need to be honest and not trying to control the outcome.

 

 

You are still thinking only for yourself.

 

You don't need a counselor, you need your big girl panties and take responsibility for it by being honest TO EFFING DAY!

 

I know it is scary, but look at my tagline.....you need to show action not words.

[usa1ah]

I will see my BF this weekend.

 

Thoughts on beginning pre-marital counseling?

Perhaps the counselor could help guide the confession?

I have never seen a counselor before, so I am unsure of how it all works, but I am interested in seeing someone.

 

This would be the best way to go if you were seeing the counselor this weekend. Just let him know the two of you need to talk. Don’t pretend that everything is ok. Meet him at his house and get it over with. Keep it simple and do not tell him who yet if able.

 

You might also do it by writing a letter to him and giving it to him. This was you can say everything you want with out the fear of breaking down.

Edited October 20, 2017 by usa1ah

[Cobra_X]

I will see my BF this weekend.

Thoughts on beginning pre-marital counseling?

Perhaps the counselor could help guide the confession?

I have never seen a counselor before, so I am unsure of how it all works, but I am interested in seeing someone.

 

Honestly... I feel like you are trying to make this easier for yourself and harder for him. It literally feels like you are luring him into a situation where you have an ally to confront him... and try to trick him into trying to work on the relationship. It's a stupid idea, because he will think about it later and realize how you tricked him.

 

If you can't be honest with him without a counselor present... how can he trust you to be honest at all? Do you plan to be in therapy forever?

 

Stop wasting time and tell him. Then suggest some Pre-Marital counseling.

[S2B]

This would be the best way to go if you were seeing the counselor this weekend. Just let him know the two of you need to talk. Don’t pretend that everything is ok. Meet him at his house and get it over with. Keep it simple and do not tell him who yet if able.

 

You might also do it by writing a letter to him and giving it to him. This was you can say everything you want with out the fear of breaking down.

 

I disagree with keeping ANY info from your BF. Tell him. Tell all.

 

And I think it's important to do it now - not this weekend. He and you should be tested for diseases.

[S2B]

How many months went by while you were with this OM?

[usa1ah]

I disagree with keeping ANY info from your BF. Tell him. Tell all.

 

And I think it's important to do it now - not this weekend. He and you should be tested for diseases.

 

It is the weekend ?.

 

It’s not to keep things from him. It is a chance to get past the first round of anger so he doesn’t do something stupid.

[road]

Silver10, it takes two to five years to recover

from an affair.

 

Can you do the emotional roller coaster for five

years with your betrayed BF?

[Highndry]

You should tell him immediately. How, I'm not sure. I'm trying to think, as a man, how I'd like to hear about it. I think I'd appreciate a heartfelt letter more than words in person. Then, I could process what I was reading and decide if I ever even wanted to speak to you again. The relationship would be over permanently for me. Seriously, how could he ever trust you again? You threw it all away.

[usa1ah]

What have you decided Silver10?

 

Don’t drag this on. The longer you take the harder it will be and you will hurt your fiancé even more.

[S2B]

Did you tell yet?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you have learned something very important: you are most definitely not in love with your boyfriend anymore.

 

This was an emotional-turned-physical affair. That is a different ball of wax than a random one-night betrayal after a wild night out, for example. The level you reached is a scary one, but it indicates that you are not being honest with yourself or your boyfriend about how much you love him. This was active, ongoing deception.

 

What this suggests to me, unfortunately, is that you are so checked out of your relationship that you are likely to cheat again. Even if you promise him never to do so, it doesn't undo the bigger problem which is that you are not committed to him and are curious about other guys to the point of acting on your desires. In my opinion, you and your boyfriend are far too young and inexperienced to stay together forever at this point. My advice would be yes, tell him, and prepare to separate.

[Space Ritual]

Nothing in my post says it will be "undone". What I meant was, sometimes people can put it behind them and move forward. I know many couples that had suffered way worse infidelity, and after time apart, they reunited, worked through it and now are happily married with no other incidence.

 

it's not always cut and dry. Sometimes it increases the bond, not tear it apart. Depends on the individual. Not everyone is willing to completely write off a relationship over a indiscretion, or even an affair. Life is just like that.

 

Smackie, you do make a good point.

 

I, who am an absolutist "burn the witches" type am also well aware that for some, this type of thing is not a deal breaker, and in some cases it has for odd reasons, allowed some couples to survive and thrive.

 

The only thing I would add to your statement is that in my opinion, most of those who do survive these things and thrive in their relationship do so because hey take the bull by the horns and work on themselves to become a safe person to be around, regardless of the outcome

 

I do not think OP will be one of them.

 

Had it been a one night stand or a drunken romp one time, then I could see where the relationship may survive if she had been forthcoming right away.

 

Op,though, is trying to control the outcome in order to suffer the least amount of damage to herself regardless of the fact that in her opinion, what she did is at the end of the day, not that bad.

 

And that is why I doubt not only that will the relationship survive, but also why I don't think OP really has a clue as to exactly why what she has done will merit a scorched earth reaction from her poor boyfriend.

 

It's almost as if her underlying theme is "Yeah I banged this guy 5 times, but it was just a physical need being fulfilled. So it's only a bad thing if somebody gets hurt. But since he is none the wiser right now, he isn't really hurt.

 

 

PLUS

 

"I don't want to be screwed out of a long term engagement just because I screwed somebody else 5 times. It's not like I am in love with them".

 

You and I have had the luxury of being here long enough that we do occasionally see a happy ending to these stories, albeit few and far between.

 

This won't be one of them.

[road]

Smackie, you do make a good point.

 

I, who am an absolutist "burn the witches" type am also well aware that for some, this type of thing is not a deal breaker, and in some cases it has for odd reasons, allowed some couples to survive and thrive.

 

The only thing I would add to your statement is that in my opinion, most of those who do survive these things and thrive in their relationship do so because hey take the bull by the horns and work on themselves to become a safe person to be around, regardless of the outcome

 

I do not think OP will be one of them.

 

Had it been a one night stand or a drunken romp one time, then I could see where the relationship may survive if she had been forthcoming right away.

 

Op,though, is trying to control the outcome in order to suffer the least amount of damage to herself regardless of the fact that in her opinion, what she did is at the end of the day, not that bad.

 

And that is why I doubt not only that will the relationship survive, but also why I don't think OP really has a clue as to exactly why what she has done will merit a scorched earth reaction from her poor boyfriend.

 

It's almost as if her underlying theme is "Yeah I banged this guy 5 times, but it was just a physical need being fulfilled. So it's only a bad thing if somebody gets hurt. But since he is none the wiser right now, he isn't really hurt.

 

 

PLUS

 

"I don't want to be screwed out of a long term engagement just because I screwed somebody else 5 times. It's not like I am in love with them".

 

You and I have had the luxury of being here long enough that we do occasionally see a happy ending to these stories, albeit few and far between.

 

This won't be one of them.

 

We cannot know how the BS will react to this OP.

 

Many past versions of this story has had the BS

forgive and marry the WGF. Have the kids, mortgage

on the house. Then the WGF steps out again and

now is a WW.

[Poutrew]

Well, it is Sunday night and nary a word from the OP. I think this is a clue that her loving bf didn't react very well to the news that what he was taking out of her for the past half year was what another man was putting into her...