Brittcoop Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I'm in the Navy, currently separated. I live in virginia and have an 8 year old daughter. My husband wants to take my daughter to Indiana, where his family is. With me being in the Navy, currently stationed on a ship, I feel stuck because if he goes to Indiana and I have my daughter, i would have no one to take her when i go underway, so I have to either separate from the Navy or give him custody. I plan on retiring and still have 10 years left. But i don't want to be stuck seeing my daughter only every other holiday and summers, if I'm not underway. I told him if he takes her while I'm on a ship, i want her during the years I'm stationed on shore when i won't go underway. He doesn't agree. Any advice on what to do in this situation? Am I just screwed? Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 This is one of those things you need to speak with a lawyer about. Preferably a lawyer with experience handling divorce and child custody for military personnel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 Just think for a moment....what is best for your child....you have chosen to stay on YOUR plan of retiring from the military in 10 years....you daughter will be 18 by then.....so you want to have her when you're home so she'll be uprooted from her father and extended family just so you can have your time with her....this doesn't sound like you're putting your daughter first....it sounds like your career and desire to have your convenience come before her.... I don't mean to bash you it just sounds as it you want it all and even at her expense. You don't say why you are separated but if you can, for the sake of your daughter, you might want to see about fixing the marriage...just a thought. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brittcoop Posted October 19, 2017 Author Share Posted October 19, 2017 I worked on my marriage for a very long time for the sake of my daughter and it didn't work so that's not an option. I am not putting myself before my daughter. She is why I stayed in a bad marriage so long and she is why I'm retiring from the Navy. If I get out right now, I'm going to get some minimum wage job, because I'm not done getting my degree and I will have to worry about her health care and making sure she's taken care of. Staying in the military is how i make sure she's taken care of. If we were to stay married she would be moving a lot more than just once or twice. I get that I'm not going to get it all... I just want some. A few years where she can live with me. It would be one shore duty that I will do between now and when she turns 18, and it would be for her middle school years. She would finish elementary school with him, and do all of high school with him. But believe me... my daughter has always and will always come before me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 It's not unreasonable to want to see your daughter when you're not overseas. However, it would be quite traumatic for her to live in one place for a year with one parent setting down roots, then be yanked off to a totally different place for a year or two, then be sent back. This wouldn't really be good for her IMO. Every other holiday and summers would be better for her development. How attached are you to property in Virginia? The best way for you to spend more time with your daughter would be if you spent your shore time living in the same city as him and the kid, so she could attend school without disruption. Mostly you need a lawyer. There are some special rules in some cases regarding military custody and deployments, though they mostly matter if you remarry (allowing you to grant 'your' time to your new spouse, so existing visitation schedules must continue even if you're not at home) There may also be rules restricting his ability to move out of state without your permission. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 (edited) It's not unreasonable to want to see your daughter when you're not overseas. However, it would be quite traumatic for her to live in one place for a year with one parent setting down roots, then be yanked off to a totally different place for a year or two, then be sent back. This wouldn't really be good for her IMO. Every other holiday and summers would be better for her development. How attached are you to property in Virginia? The best way for you to spend more time with your daughter would be if you spent your shore time living in the same city as him and the kid, so she could attend school without disruption. Mostly you need a lawyer. There are some special rules in some cases regarding military custody and deployments, though they mostly matter if you remarry (allowing you to grant 'your' time to your new spouse, so existing visitation schedules must continue even if you're not at home) There may also be rules restricting his ability to move out of state without your permission. Thank you this is exactly my point, to uproot your daughter is mean and self serving. You should not move her for your convenience but figure out how to make it work where she will get the most support. These are the consequences that must be decided on for your daughter's best interest, not because you "want" to stay in the military and finish school under the military funding (I am guessing). That is the easy route for you but not the healthy root for your daughter. There are many mothers who get a job, go to school and earn the degree that will allow them to provide for their children. You can do this but it isn't the "easiest" route for you. Again, uprooting your daughter away from her friends, father, extended family and familiar surroundings so that you can stay in the Military is self serving. Please think about your daughter first...I contend that you are masking the "it is about my daughter" to suit your desires.... KG Edited October 19, 2017 by kgcolonel adding to post Link to post Share on other sites
bsbmom579 Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 Thank you for serving our country, as well as trying to do what is best for your daughter. That would be a very tough situation to balance and I give you tons of kudos for doing so. Ten years left for a more stable retirement is a sacrifice, but I think military children are resilient and understand in ways we can't comprehend. I would hope in light of such circumstances, the Navy would work with you (within their capability obviously); and perhaps conversations with your husband could result in compromise on both your parts to get through these next 10 years. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 There have to be some protocols for this. Can you talk to someone in the military about this for guidance and to find out the law? If you were not getting transferred, the deal would be that he CANNOT move her far away from you. Every state has guidelines about how far, usually an hour and a half or something like that. But I don't know if it's different for transitory military people, so you need to find out. He may not be allowed to move her, period if the state law applies. Of course, traditionally, military families travel with their spouses and stay together, but that's the old days. It's more complicated now. So please either ask someone in the military on this issue, someone legal, or see if you can find a "military lawyer" in google who knows the ropes. You need to know. But for now, look up state law on custody and distance and tell him state law says he can't just move the child that far away from you without your permission and that he doesn't have it. And that for him to leave by himself would be abandonment. Link to post Share on other sites
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