GuitarGuy7 Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 Sometimes I get the advice from people that if you want a girlfriend, then you have to be friends with her first. Do you think it is good advice? Why or why not? I'm a little skeptical to be honest because imagine being friends with a girl for 6 months who you have a crush on. You simply think being nice to her and being her friend will make her like you romantically. So one day you finally decide to ask her out only for her to tell you she only sees you as a friend and was never interested in you romantically and she is also seeing other guys. Well guess what? You wasted 6 months of your life trying to impress a girl who never had feelings for you in the first place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
staggerlee71 Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 This is a great question... I translate you need to be friends first not so literally. To me, friends first means you go out on a bunch of dates, actually like the person, as in you are becoming friends, all the while your working toward a romantic relationship. I would never consider playing a strict friend role to get to romance. They happen at the same time Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 I'm a little skeptical to be honest because imagine being friends with a girl for 6 months who you have a crush on. You simply think being nice to her and being her friend will make her like you romantically. So one day you finally decide to ask her out only for her to tell you she only sees you as a friend and was never interested in you romantically and she is also seeing other guys. Well guess what? You wasted 6 months of your life trying to impress a girl who never had feelings for you in the first place. But it always works out in the movies! Listen, it's how you play the game that matters. If you are flirting heavy and touching her frequently... you have a good chance. When you are trying to steal someones girlfriend this is a great tactic. If she isn't receptive to your flirting and is uncomfortable with you touching her... then you know she isn't attracted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 Depends on your ages & the girl. The younger you are the more friends first is important. Young teens get spooked & rightly so when asked out by strangers. Going through school together. Letting her see you are safe is a good idea. Grown woman prefer romance & understand that the date itself is how you get to know the other person by spending time together & talking. Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 In my experience it never worked. If you were friends first you will be friends later. You can take it slow and progress the romance in small increments, but without this progression it never worked out for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
normal person Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 Sometimes I get the advice from people that if you want a girlfriend, then you have to be friends with her first. Do you think it is good advice? Why or why not? No. Why would they say that? Attraction is not predicated on friendship. Have you ever heard a girl say "wow, this doctor I met at the bar is so handsome and I want to go out with him so bad, but I can't date him because we aren't friends?" I'm a little skeptical to be honest because imagine being friends with a girl for 6 months who you have a crush on. You simply think being nice to her and being her friend will make her like you romantically. Why? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GuitarGuy7 Posted October 19, 2017 Author Share Posted October 19, 2017 Why? I mean it's always good to be nice to people. Don't be mean, don't be an assshole. But the attraction has to be there if they want to see you as a partner. And I know for me, I can usually tell within 30 seconds whether or not I would consider dating you. So no matter how nice you are to me, if i'm not attracted to you then it will never work out. So I can assume that many women are the same way, that they either see you as a romantic prospect or not pretty quick. So based on this, I would rather ask a girl out within a month and get shot down then waste 6 months of my life being nice to a girl only because I want to have sex with her and then she tells me she's not interested. Friends first might work if she has a boyfriend. For some people, it may be different. They can become attracted overtime to someone 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 Go into the Dating first. Don't try to be friends. Just go straight into it. The women will usually be chill if she is not into you. If she says no. Move on. Don't analyze it. Just say she told you that she is not your type. Link to post Share on other sites
normal person Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 I mean it's always good to be nice to people. Don't be mean, don't be an assshole. Well there's a difference between being nice and being a friend. You can be nice and not a friend, and you can be a "friend" and not nice. You can be nice to people you aren't really friends with, like a woman you meet at the bar. I think you might be fighting an uphill battle if you're not "nice," (although there are varying degrees of this that warrant another discussion), but that doesn't rely on a strong friendship, it's just basic decency The thing is, I think it's good to delineate between a platonic relationship and a romantic one very quickly when you meet someone. That way you avoid all this confusion, and she finds you more confident. Also, being friends first really complicates things as if things go south once you start a relationship, you ruin a friendship. I dated my best friend for a bit, now she's married and we don't talk anymore. I wouldn't dream about dating my other friends (aside from the fact that I know they aren't right for me), but because then things get real weird if you break up. You make your other friends take sides or have to choose who to invite to places, or you're both at the same place with everyone, you have act normal like nothing ever happened if you now dislike the person (I have friends like this). But the attraction has to be there if they want to see you as a partner. And I know for me, I can usually tell within 30 seconds whether or not I would consider dating you. So no matter how nice you are to me, if i'm not attracted to you then it will never work out. So I can assume that many women are the same way, that they either see you as a romantic prospect or not pretty quick. So based on this, I would rather ask a girl out within a month and get shot down then waste 6 months of my life being nice to a girl only because I want to have sex with her and then she tells me she's not interested. I totally agree with your philosophy but I think "within a month" would be too long of a time frame for me personally. Meet her, if there's good chemistry and sexual tension, then go for it. Otherwise she's going to get tired of waiting for you to move on it and find someone more proactive. Friends first might work if she has a boyfriend. Maybe. Even if they break up, you've got to wait out the residual lingering feelings. Otherwise you're probably going to inherit some trouble. For some people, it may be different. They can become attracted overtime to someone I think women are more capable of this than men. I've heard of a lot of women warming up to a guy over time even if they don't find him particularly attractive. Not so much with men, if there's no sexual attraction, there's not likely to ever be any. Just from what I've noticed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 Ask her out on a date, make your intentions clear and go from there. I strongly advise against putting yourself in the "Friendzone" and then trying to work your way out of it. You're much better off showing self-confidence and honesty by saying asking her out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 Friends first rarely works, unless you are already part of a group that hangs out together so you already sort-of know each other. Dating is for determining romantic compatibility. If you start as friends, you'll probably end up hearing about her dates with other guys - and you'll end up in the friend zone permanently. So if interested, ask her on a date, but be clear that it's a date, even if the progression to romance is slow (especially if she or you both are inexperienced). If you both have plenty of dating experience, then things may progress quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
JustGettingBy Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 Friend-of-a-friend or acquaintance is okay, but usually if you're friends first, unless she's blatantly attracted to you (for an average guy, this happens like 1% of the time) she'll only ever see you as a friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 if you like a girl it's probably best to ask her out right away. that being said there are instances where you can be "friends" with a girl and still date her later on. by "friends" I mean more acquaintances, not real friendship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 Being a friendzone veteran, I can tell you that in the same way most men can separate sex and love, women tend to separate friendship and romantic interest. Once you are on the friendship track, there is no going back. Even though the best relationship foundation would be built on a “friends first” beginning, it just won’t work from their side - there has to be some kind of instant “spark”, so just declare your intentions right away. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 There's exceptions to everything, but in general no, cultivating a friendship for any length of time and then trying to transition to romance does not work. An obvious exception might be if one or both of you is involved with other people so you can't get involved with each other and can only just be friends until the other relationship falls apart. Women don't like hesitation and fear in men. I know it's confusing messaging Sometimes When someone tells you they want to take it slow, but taking it slow doesn't mean nothing physical in most instances and if that is what she means nothing physical she's probably just not ready to have a relationship, period. You should always be confident acting and not hesitant and not tippy-toe around a woman. Most of them if they like a guy and are attracted to them or ever will be I want the guy to really bring it bring it and not be hesitant or ambiguous about whether they're attracted to them. So get the kissing going as soon as you get the green light after the first date if possible and then move in a respectful but decisive manner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GuitarGuy7 Posted October 20, 2017 Author Share Posted October 20, 2017 I was talking to this one girl in psychology who I like, and as we were talking, she mentioned her boyfriend. In my mind I was thinking sht! Well there goes my chance of being in a relationship with her. God damnit, this is like the second friggin girl in my classes that has a boyfriend. I swear to god, sometimes dating just comes down to being at the right place at the right time. I know this is going to sound super bad, but many women in their 20s who are attractive jump from relationship to relationship in a short amount of time. They find someone new within a year. So you might have only have a 3 or 4 month time-frame where she just happens to be single. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 I hate to tell you, but any remotely attractive woman in her 20s will ALWAYS have a boyfriend or fiance. Unfortunately, being too respectful about that comes across as weakness. The few GFs I had when I was single always monkeybranched from me to other guys - which means that it's theoretically possible to put yourself in position to be the guy who girls monkeybranch to. Guys who are good with women are good at doing this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 I was talking to this one girl in psychology who I like, and as we were talking, she mentioned her boyfriend. In my mind I was thinking sht! Well there goes my chance of being in a relationship with her. God damnit, this is like the second friggin girl in my classes that has a boyfriend. I swear to god, sometimes dating just comes down to being at the right place at the right time. I know this is going to sound super bad, but many women in their 20s who are attractive jump from relationship to relationship in a short amount of time. They find someone new within a year. So you might have only have a 3 or 4 month time-frame where she just happens to be single. Being "friends" and being "friendzoned" are not the same thing. The term Friends With Benefits should be all I need to prove to you the error of this thinking. Now, with that in mind... just because she has a BF doesn't mean she isn't available. It's a sad truth, but most girls do not move to a new man until they already have something set up. I hate to tell you, but any remotely attractive woman in her 20s will ALWAYS have a boyfriend or fiance. Unfortunately, being too respectful about that comes across as weakness. The few GFs I had when I was single always monkeybranched from me to other guys - which means that it's theoretically possible to put yourself in position to be the guy who girls monkeybranch to. Guys who are good with women are good at doing this. This is how you work being "friends" to your advantage. You have to be aggressive and a little bit sneaky. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 Sure, you can be friends first. That's how I usually try to date. I would much prefer I spend my time dating women that I already know pretty well over some girl I just met. Even though you are friends first, you don't treat her quite like you would normally. During that friendship period, you have to be working towards making her want you, and you have to assess whether or not your efforts are paying off. If she isn't at least a little bit flirty, shows that she wants to spend time with you, or makes you feel like she's interested, abort. Friendzone is not a nice place to be. This nailed it for me and that's how my best relationships began. Someone in this thread said that older women want romance - count me out of that, I'm late 40's and find romance (or the general perception of it)cheesy and cringey. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chris2016 Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 (edited) Hell no, it doesn't work. Don't ever waste your time on that crap. Single and lonely? Friends first ain't going to do squat if she was never interested. Find out if she's interested first. If not, next. I would venture to guess that women who want to f a man don't care about friends first. Edited October 21, 2017 by Chris2016 Link to post Share on other sites
Chris2016 Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 Also, I guess it's who you ask, "Do You Think Being Friends First With A Girl Works?" I think most guys would say no. I think most women would say yes. Different mating strategies. Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 It can work, but as a general rule no. If I was to become friends with a girl with the intention of dating later, I'd feel like it just makes the job a heck of a lot harder as I wouldn't want to ruin the friendship. I'd just be comfortable as friends and thus wouldn't achieve the original goal. I understand where the idea comes from though - if you're dating someone who you could easily be friends with, it's a sign of compatibility. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 It depends Men tend to come in the Yes Maybe and No categories. If you are in the No category it doesn't matter what you do, you can be friends for years, be supportive, be "nice", be her "rock", and yet never be considered dating material. As soon as you make that "move" you could be a dead man as she never saw you in THAT way and she may feel deceived or she may love the ego boost and will just keep twiddling you around her little finger... She will likely never seriously "date" you. The Yes category is self explanatory. I think many relationships start via friendship in the Maybe category. Not madly attracted but not repulsed either - if a friendship develops then attraction can grow and she may indeed end up dating you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 For anything to happen there's got to be attraction on both sides. It'll never work if there isn't. Signals need to be clear though, in that friendship period. A guy who appears to be a friend and gives me no reason to think he is being anything other than friendly then hits me with 'feelings' that were never apparent at all makes me think the guy had an agenda, has been trying to manipulate me and the friendship was false and just a means to an end. In those cases that end for me is always to walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 I see women touting the "friends first" disclaimer on dating profiles all the time. I pass. It may indicate one of several attitudes, perspectives or strategies, none of which has any advantages for a man with romantic interest. Certainly you do want real friendship to develop, but with few exceptions, that friendship will exist within, and be contingent upon, the romance. It's a defensive strategy that leverages the ambiguity of the word "friends" to give a woman control (or the illusion). I just don't have the time or patience for this nonsense. It's really just another variation on the Cinderella theme. - wants a one-way deal wherein the guy pursues diligently while she holds him at arm's length, leaving her free to develop multiple options concurrently - unwilling to take the emotional risk that is inherent in romantic relationships - thinks that "friends first" equals some kind of guarantee or protection - insecure/unsure about sexuality, preferring the safety of a sexless courtship - subscribes to the "virtuous woman" paradigm, i.e. sex is shameful - wants the man to be completely invested first, while she remains aloof, giving her rights of first refusal and reducing her vulnerability. Link to post Share on other sites
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