Do You Think Being Friends First With A Girl Works?

[GemmaUK]

Talking OLD, a different scenario to this topic evolving IRL:

I've seen plenty of guys with 'friends first and see where it leads' in OLD profiles.

 

All it means (to me and when I've asked them also without giving my thoughts on it) was that he wanted to know we could get along well, enjoy each other's company whilst seeing how things go day to day without there being any pressure to 'be in a relationship' immediately.

 

It doesn't mean that sex is off the cards for 'x' period of time, or that I or he can go off doing what w want with other people, it's about giving us a chance to get to know each other without having huge expectations and demands.

Relationships grow over time, they aren't an immediate uplift from a date or two.

 

In the cases where I have seen it on a guy's profile we have both been interested enough to chat/meet/date they and I have experienced potentials previously who do think an immediate relationship for the long haul should transpire really fast, unnaturally fast.

That's way too much pressure to put on someone IMO and being on the receiving end of that pressure makes dating no fun at all.

[d0nnivain]

All of the advice -- including mine -- to not be friends first should not preclude you from being friendly. Say hello to people you find attractive or interesting . Make small talk. Take action to assure women know who you are, as opposed to being a random stranger.

 

What you need to avoid is turning into their emotional tampon friend, the unassuming guy they turn to for comfort when the other, sexier, more desirable guys break their hearts. Those types of friends are "friend-zoned" & the women in Q see them as eunuchs not real men.

[thefooloftheyear]

I'm not one of those guys that dislikes women in general, in fact quite the opposite, I think women are great, but in my own experiences, any time a woman wanted to be "friends" it was more because they needed something from me in a tangible way...Be it someone to call to help with something, a protector if they feel threatened, someone to do or fix something, borrow money, or any other variety of things that I could never "get back" in return...Now, I know when you have friends you aren't supposed to be keeping score or anything, but again, in my experiences, my interactions with the guy friends I have always seem to be more balanced...And the interests we share really don't jive with the average woman..And I have heard some guys talk about "needing a female perspective" on things....well...sure, its handy to have that, but you can get that from a lot of other places....Family members, internet forums, etc..

 

I have found that some guys just seem to get along better with women in a platonic fashion then other men do...It's not a knock on either side, it's just a fact of human nature...

 

If you want female friends, then have them....*shrug*...

 

TFY

[GemmaUK]

I'm not one of those guys that dislikes women in general, in fact quite the opposite, I think women are great, but in my own experiences, any time a woman wanted to be "friends" it was more because they needed something from me in a tangible way...Be it someone to call to help with something, a protector if they feel threatened, someone to do or fix something, borrow money, or any other variety of things that I could never "get back" in return...

 

They weren't friends, They were users.

[thefooloftheyear]

They weren't friends, They were users.

 

 

Disagree...

 

These are the same things I'd gladly do for my male friends..And the same things Id do for my family .I wouldn't call any of them users..I am not the type of person that would ever get used either, Its not my personality type....The only difference is that at some point, they(my guy friends) will be in a position to do the same for me...The things these women would or could provide for me(or another guy in that situation), I really never needed, so I can't say that's their problem or fault or that qualifies them as users..

 

It just became an unbalanced situation, so why bother??

 

 

If you had to move a refrigerator and had a strong male friend with a truck, you'd probably ask him for help, no?? That doesn't make you a user, its just common sense...Maybe those guys like to go on "play dates" with you or need your emotional support or shoulder to cry on, or maybe you go to shows together as just friends,,,whatever,...So the relationship there might be more mutually balanced...Just throwing out possibilities...It never worked for me, so I can't say what does or doesn't happen with these types of situations where both sides are content..If that's the case, great...everyone happy..

 

TFY

[Mysterio]

Unless the woman has a sister/aunt/mother vibe between us. There will always be that romantic tension.

 

To me if a woman is not interested in you. Its because of the physical attraction component is not there. No other reason than that.

 

I also feel like Men are way more attracted to women than vice versa. Think about it. There is no Female Hugh Hefner or Mogul that is displaying Men in a sex market value. When Ads want to intice men. They use women.

 

If anyone wants to invest in a strip club or major hedonistic situation. Its from a Female Sex market value side of things towards male than vice versa.

[GemmaUK]

Disagree...

 

Fair enough but it does sound like you didn't think the friendship was on an even footing and you ended up doing too much so you quit those friendships.

You said things weren't balanced so 'why bother'.

 

for me, if a guy does me a favour - eg helps with a fridge - then I do him a favour in return.

If I can't find a way to 'help' him with something or he never asks for help then I'll treat him, take him out for a pizza & beers or a steak or something.

I don't just let help with things go unrequited.

[GemmaUK]

To me if a woman is not interested in you. Its because of the physical attraction component is not there. No other reason than that.

 

So not correct!

You can be physically attracted and then they open their mouth and...........

[Cersei]

I don't think Friends between men and women is necessarily the best idea. I have now and have had many in the past. But in every single case there was some sexual attraction on at least one side initially. Then as we have gotten to know each other better it very much became only friends. (When I have been the one to lose the attraction it's usually because of his behaviour lol)

 

Being friends first has never worked for me. Being clear on the attraction has been way more succesful.

[thefooloftheyear]

Fair enough but it does sound like you didn't think the friendship was on an even footing and you ended up doing too much so you quit those friendships.

You said things weren't balanced so 'why bother'.

 

for me, if a guy does me a favour - eg helps with a fridge - then I do him a favour in return.

If I can't find a way to 'help' him with something or he never asks for help then I'll treat him, take him out for a pizza & beers or a steak or something.

I don't just let help with things go unrequited.

 

Fair enough back at you..

 

 

Oh, I am sure they would do the same, but I dunno... and Ive done that a couple of times ...It's a little weird to go out to dinner with a woman on a platonic level, one on one...For me, anyway..Plus, what does that guy tell the woman he is dating or in a relationship with..."hey, I'm going to dinner with this woman I helped out, its all cool, were just friends"....That wouldn't fly with any woman I know..I guess if both were unattached then its ok??? I dunno..

 

I get it...There are some guys(some I know personally) that get on really well with women....even better than guys..>On the outside they seem gay, but they aren't...Im just not one of those type of guys...

 

 

TFY

[OatsAndHall]

I was talking to this one girl in psychology who I like, and as we were talking, she mentioned her boyfriend. In my mind I was thinking sht!

 

Well there goes my chance of being in a relationship with her. God damnit, this is like the second friggin girl in my classes that has a boyfriend.

 

I swear to god, sometimes dating just comes down to being at the right place at the right time. I know this is going to sound super bad, but many women in their 20s who are attractive jump from relationship to relationship in a short amount of time. They find someone new within a year. So you might have only have a 3 or 4 month time-frame where she just happens to be single.

 

Dating comes down to putting yourself in the right place at the right time.

 

I met the last woman that I dated seriously at a teaching workshop. I was kind of out on the prowl as I was single and looking to date. She was one of the few women that were single, we struck up a conversation and chatted throughout the workshops. I didn't really get a firm sign of interest from her initially but I made sure that I showed up at social and work events that she'd be attending. We talked some more, she showed that she some interest (asking me about plans for the weekend, what I liked to do for fun, etc..) so I asked her out. She actually jumped at the chance and we dated off and on for about six months. It didn't work out for various reasons but we had a good time together, nonetheless.

 

But, it was going to go one of two ways with us (as far as I was concerned): we were going to date or we were just going to keep chatting and being friends if she shot me down. I wasn't going to slide into the "Friend-zone" and then try to work my way out of it. I struck up a few conversations with her, saw that she was into me and asked her out. Done and done.

 

Honestly, it's not just a bad strategy; it's kind of creepy and manipulative. You're selling yourself as a "friend" while trying to weasel your way into something more and I have many female friends that find it to be a serious turn-off. It's always best just to make your intentions clear from the get-go because it shows honesty and self-confidence.

[Cookiesandough]

Sometimes I get the advice from people that if you want a girlfriend, then you have to be friends with her first. Do you think it is good advice? Why or why not?

 

I'm a little skeptical to be honest because imagine being friends with a girl for 6 months who you have a crush on. You simply think being nice to her and being her friend will make her like you romantically. So one day you finally decide to ask her out only for her to tell you she only sees you as a friend and was never interested in you romantically and she is also seeing other guys. Well guess what? You wasted 6 months of your life trying to impress a girl who never had feelings for you in the first place.

 

Guess you can be friends with girls. But not girls that you have crushes on. That's a misnomer. You're calling her a friend, but really she is a romantic interest. Youre friend zoning/string yourself along. Bad idea to me. If a girl doesn't show interest physically or if she is more modest at least make plainly clear she wants a romantic relationship with you within like the first month or so, I would say that the likelihood of that happening is slim to none. Even if you manage to wear her down or get her in a moment of weakness, she will still be wanting for more and longing for that greener grass. Just don't.

[Andrew9]

Sometimes I get the advice from people that if you want a girlfriend, then you have to be friends with her first. Do you think it is good advice? Why or why not?

 

I'm a little skeptical to be honest because imagine being friends with a girl for 6 months who you have a crush on. You simply think being nice to her and being her friend will make her like you romantically. So one day you finally decide to ask her out only for her to tell you she only sees you as a friend and was never interested in you romantically and she is also seeing other guys. Well guess what? You wasted 6 months of your life trying to impress a girl who never had feelings for you in the first place.

 

It depends on the expectations and how you approach it. Are you being her friend because you hope a relationship will develop? If so, you're in for a disappointment if she rejects you. Do you expect a relationship? Go out on dates.

 

As far as being nice, that hardly ever works. You can't get any girl just by being nice. You have to be honest about yourself and make your intent clear.

 

Personally, i prefer friendships over dating because it takes the pressure off. You can take your time in getting to know each other and see if you're compatible. If you like her, let her know and ask her out. Don't wait too long or she'll think you're not interested in her. That's a big mistake guys make. If she's not your type, you can be her friend without having to deal with the heartache of break-up. Attraction takes time to build up. A date or two isn't enough time to create a long-lasting and quality relationship.

[kazen]

A friends route works. Done it this way many times. But it's a slow route. The only problem with this route is that another guy can swoop in and simply ask your female friend out and he will be dating her right off the bat. So it's a gamble. I take the friends route with only girls whom I'm not that into but they have some qualities that I like and could develop feelings for them over time. But if I see a girl that I'm instantly attracted to, then I go straight to asking her out on a date. Why wait.

[HillValley]

Being nice and being a friend don't have to go together.

 

If think of being her friend first, means you have repeated access to her through some location(school, work, neighbor..etc.)

 

Being a friend to someone requires you to present yourself to that person in a certain way. If you aren't the girl's type, she will take you as a friend and nothing more from jump.

 

Just being nice means you don't present yourself to her in anyway as a friend. You aren't giving her attention or special treatment for later. You're just being yourself. If nothing comes of it...so be....you didn't invest anything into it you would for a person you open a door for.

[staggerlee71]

 

 

 

Honestly, it's not just a bad strategy; it's kind of creepy and manipulative. You're selling yourself as a "friend" while trying to weasel your way into something more and I have many female friends that find it to be a serious turn-off. It's always best just to make your intentions clear from the get-go because it shows honesty and self-confidence.

 

This is balls on.

[Almond_Joy]

Sometimes I get the advice from people that if you want a girlfriend, then you have to be friends with her first. Do you think it is good advice? Why or why not?

 

I'm a little skeptical to be honest because imagine being friends with a girl for 6 months who you have a crush on. You simply think being nice to her and being her friend will make her like you romantically. So one day you finally decide to ask her out only for her to tell you she only sees you as a friend and was never interested in you romantically and she is also seeing other guys. Well guess what? You wasted 6 months of your life trying to impress a girl who never had feelings for you in the first place.

 

I guess it could but I’m a woman and I don’t want this.

 

If you want to be more than friends, my preference is that you be upfront about it from the start. We can still operate as friends once that’s been stated if we agree that’s the best way to get to know each other (without a romantic element) but at least this way we’re both clear on your expectation for the relationship. Plus if someone’s romantically interested in me but tries to behave platonically with me, it creates a tension in our dynamic. Things feel off and I can’t realy be comfortable in the relationship, because I’ll always feel there’s something more to the relationship that’s not being addressed.

 

Some women know you want more, but if you don’t explicitly say it and act like a friend, they take advantage of the lack of communication and take your emotional energy and effort without really giving you the type of relationship you’re looking for. That’s really unfair for the guy and probably why there are so many jaded men floating around this forum.

[Cookiesandough]

I think it can. I think it works for women too. Sometimes you stick around long enough and people build a sort of familiarity with you that feels a lot like love. Platonic love has the intimacy that can easily be confused with romantic love in times of desperation. I think this is the root of why people 'orbit. It works sometimes. For example, when someone has just got done going through the wringer from someone they really liked and needs an ego boost, they may sleep with you/date you if you are around... or they need someone to get married to/settle with and it might as well be you because you're around and they know you.

 

It's a bit exploitative in that way but I can't say it's a completely hopeless strategy if it's not too stressful being friends and the end of being with them is all you want with no context whatsoever.

Edited November 9, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[RYDV]

So not correct!

You can be physically attracted and then they open their mouth and...........

 

But if you're friends then that's not the case..

 

A women friend of mine always says how funny and amazing iam but if she won't date me the only explanation is she thinks I'm physically unattractive no?

[RYDV]

I think it can. I think it works for women too. Sometimes you stick around long enough and people build a sort of familiarity with you that feels a lot like love. Platonic love has the intimacy that can easily be confused with romantic love in times of desperation. I think this is the root of why people 'orbit. It works sometimes. For example, when someone has just got done going through the wringer from someone they really liked and needs an ego boost, they may sleep with you/date you if you are around... or they need someone to get married to/settle with and it might as well be you because you're around and they know you.

 

It's a bit exploitative in that way but I can't say it's a completely hopeless strategy if it's not too stressful being friends and the end of being with them is all you want with no context whatsoever.

 

 

Why can't it be true love that just built over time?

 

Does it have be instant fireworks for it to be true love?

[GemmaUK]

A women friend of mine always says how funny and amazing iam but if she won't date me the only explanation is she thinks I'm physically unattractive no?

 

It could be that and or it could be down to one or a multitude of things she knows about you.

Being friends with someone doesn't mean a relationship will happen - it doesn't work like that.

[OatsAndHall]

I've already responded to this thread but I will throw something else out there.

 

I see nothing wrong with hoping that something romantic blossoms from a friendship but you have to be alright with that not working out as well. They're you're friend, you hope that it goes somewhere but understand that it will remain a platonic relationship if they don't reciprocate your feelings.

 

However, it's not kosher if you are striking up a friendship with someone with the sole intention of it possibly turning into a romantic relationship. That, at it's very base, is manipulative and creepy. Planting yourself in the Friendzone and then trying to dig your way out isn't something I am okay with.

 

I have had several girlfriends over the years that just don't seem to understand that many of their male "friends" are only angling for a relationship.

 

One girlfriend was a bit of an attention seeker and had many male "friends" on social media and in RL. In the first few months we dated, neither of us changed our relationship status as FB was in it's infancy and neither of us thought about it. I was uncomfortable with the way some of these guys acted on FB but she wrote it off and said "it's just Facebook..". There were guys blatantly hitting on her on Facebook and others who were sneakier (liking all of her posts and pictures, commenting on them, etc..). We had a few arguments over it so we did a little experiment; we agreed to change our relationship status to reflect that we were together. Within two days, over three quarters of her male "friends" disappeared. Literally, she went from ten-twelve "likes" and comments on her posts to one or two. As time went on, a few guys remained and only one of them was a creepy idiot. And, he paid for it seven years later when his marriage fell through because he was having emotional affairs with women via Facebook.

 

And, the guy I always referred to as her "Ducky" ghosted her completely. The dude went from communicating with her daily (as a "friend" of course) to NC. She was devastated over it and I felt bad for her but, on the same side of the coin, she learned a valuable lesson about how "friends" work.

 

Another girlfriend has a "close friend" from high school pop up and ask her out to dinner. They had been chatting back and forth on Facebook for awhile. I had no intention of being a controlling a-- about it but I was curious to see how things transpired. He demanded that he pay for the dinner, asked her out for drinks afterward and then fell off of the map when she thanked him for dinner and called it a night.

 

So again, to the OP, if you have a platonic relationship and are hoping it goes somewhere, that's fine. But, don't be a tool if she doesn't feel the same way.

[warp123]

We had a few arguments over it so we did a little experiment; we agreed to change our relationship status to reflect that we were together. Within two days, over three quarters of her male "friends" disappeared. Literally, she went from ten-twelve "likes" and comments on her posts to one or two. As time went on, a few guys remained and only one of them was a creepy idiot

 

HAHAHA so typical !!! Women will never understand that 99% of guys talking to them do it for sexual/romantic interest, mostly the first.

 

I cannot stand those that still try even if they know the woman has a boyfriend already, so pathetic and low. They are always there hoping that the girl has argued with his boyfriend to talk bad things about him at the right moment, thinking that they will be the replacement.

Edited November 10, 2017 by warp123

[GemmaUK]

HAHAHA so typical !!! Women will never understand that 99% of guys talking to them do it for sexual/romantic interest, mostly the first.

 

No, we do understand it - those guys are pretty obvious - we just ignore it and hope it goes away.

If they express it we can then say we're not interested.

[d0nnivain]

A women friend of mine always says how funny and amazing iam but if she won't date me the only explanation is she thinks I'm physically unattractive no?

 

Looks may play a part but there is a lot that goes into the selection of someone to date. I have a long time guy friend 20+ years. He's good looking & funny but I would never date him. We even had a FWB thing going on for a while but he wanted a relationship. I couldn't go there. We were not intellectual equals; we had very dissimilar interests; we had vastly different social standing & aspirations (as in he refused to come to social events in my circles; 15 years after I graduated from college he came up to school with me to watch a game but would barely hang out in the bar the night before because he didn't want to be around all those "college people.") & we had incompatible relationships with money. He is also a ranging alcoholic. Despite the many negatives, I genuinely like the guy & on occasion in places where he's comfortable enjoy his company. But as a long term romantic prospect -- not a chance.

 

Why can't it be true love that just built over time?

 

Does it have be instant fireworks for it to be true love?

 

True love can be built over time. In fact I think love deepens over time. That said I always needed the instant chemistry / lust to be able to date somebody. If he didn't get my heart racing the 1st time I laid eyes on him, over the years I have learned that spark was never going to magically ignite later for me. He was already friend-zoned in my head.