Sex life- there's a twist

[Serenitylynn876]

I was sexually abused for 9 years which has led to a deep discomfort with sexual activity. I will have sex with my fiance but I do not enjoy it. I do not orgasm with other people. But I will try to a couple times a week to please him, we just had a baby a month ago. However, its not enough for him and neither am i.... He constantly makes little jabs about how i say no to sex and how he wants more sex and if I'm being honest it makes me feel like nothing i do is enough. And i do a LOT. I take care of our family, cook, clean, make him lunches, buy him things, i even stood in the kitchen and picked pickles and cheese off a deli sandwich i bought him because i knew he didn't like them. Now I'm in no way saying he's a bad fiance because he's not he's very caring and giving. But these small jabs are eating me away and making me feel like nothing i do is good enough.

I know this is tmi but he tends to like men as well and he asked if we could have a three way with a man. His sexual quests make me very uncomfortable and i dont know what to do. I need someone to talk to.

[Maraud3r]

This seems like you two have very different needs and wants in terms of sexuality. As for a threesome with another guy, just tell him hell no.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Serenity, I'm really sorry to read about what happened to you. I can imagine that the trauma you suffered would turn you off completely from sex. There was another story like yours quite a while back but in that case the woman was not able to have sex with her husband and that was putting a strain on their marriage. I cannot recall the details but that too, was a tragic story. I wonder if you have had psychiatric counselling for your abuse? If not, you should undergo some counselling as that would help you overcome your distaste for sex. Remember, the biggest sex organ in your body is the brain and that is where your problem lies.

 

As far as threesomes that would be a complete no no for you as after what you have suffered a second man in the bedroom would be an overload on your emotions and psyche. Is your BF at all empathetic to your mental state? Did you make him fully aware of the extent of your trauma? He seems to be only interested in what he wants and what pleases him and does not seem to take into consideration your feelings at all. Also, I think you are overcompensating for your assumed lack of sex drive by putting yourself out for him in so many ways. What is he doing for you? Seems to me to be a very unequal relationship and sadly you have brought an innocent child into this mix. I think you should woman up and take more control of your life. Warm wishes.

[darkmoon]

threes are a no-no for quite a few women, I regret your abuse, but refusals of threes are always reasonable if not standard

 

he can keep the three thing as a fantasy, you are not a thought-policewoman, you just imagine the fantasy, and chat (takes a lil discreet practise) about it in bed, which is likely to make him cum quickly anyway

 

but you can not screw some third wheel in real life, not when you have such deep feelings for your fiance and baby

 

pickles in sandwiches are one thing - - but not what he asked for - -though providing enough sex for a guy is difficult to do, when their partner is involved with a baby, stop the pickles etc., and you will have time for the sex, which he needs, being a man, not a monk, for some men, the need is v profound, see

Edited October 19, 2017 by darkmoon

[d0nnivain]

Is he aware of your past sexual abuse?

 

At a minimum you need to talk to him about how his requests & jabs make you feel. You must work this out before you marry. You should have worked it out before you had a baby.

 

Get some pre-marital counseling & discuss your sex life with this professional. It will prevent more serious problems like divorce in the future, although in all honesty, I don't think you should marry.

[road]

IC to deal with your past. So you can

enjoy sex.

 

No to the threesomes.

 

Dump him, he likes men. I see this only

going bad eventually.

[somanymistakes]

 

Dump him, he likes men. I see this only

going bad eventually.

 

You could just as easily say "dump him, he likes women" because either way it would mean that he is CAPABLE of being attracted to someone other than the OP.

 

 

OP: What do you actually want out of your relationship, and have you talked to him about it? If you hate sex and he wants sex (which is not unusual or unreasonable) then either one of you has to change, OR you have to find a weird solution, OR you need to break up because you're going to make each other miserable in the long run.

 

While it's not impossible that he will choose to give up sex, it's unlikely.

 

Therapy MIGHT help you be able to enjoy sex if you wanted that to happen, but it would be a very slow process and you would need to abstain completely from 'obligation' sex. He would need to be on board with that, and witht he long delay.

 

Weird solutions: would you be okay with him having lovers on the side if it meant that he stayed with you and didn't badger you for sex? If so, under what parameters? Would you be okay with him having a loving girlfriend/boyfriend? Would you be okay with him having a discreet mistress that you never had to see or hear about? Would you be okay with him having one night stands? Visiting professionals? You don't have to be okay with any of that, but you need to think about it in order to come up with a plan for the future.

[BaileyB]

Don't marry this man if he makes you feel badly about yourself or pressures you into doing things that you don't want to do. That's not love. It is a big red flag and it will bring you nothing but unhappiness in your future.

 

Best wishes to you.

[dichotomy]

I agree with another post - does he understand your past abuse and sexual issues.

 

No man who understands that would ask to add another man (stranger) into your bedroom. However if he does not fully understand he maybe simply trying to find a way to ramp your drive up.

[Hecan]

I am so sorry for your situation. Please get the help you need. You deserve a satisfying sex life. What does your husband know of your abuse? I would hope not much considering the offer of a third in your sexual relationship. I just don't believe that is ever a good idea and further exploration of why he thought thus was a good idea is warranted.

Having said that, there is something very fundamental to understand. Many men feel love through sex. There are books, The Five Live Languages, His Needs, Her Needs and many others to help you both understand and communicate your needs with one another. He has been begging you for sex, maybe not in the most appropriate way but he wants sex with you. Gently, I promise you he would rather have sex with you than have you take off items from a deli sandwich. This shows you are showing him love by serving him, but he really wants sex. He would probably gladly eat those items on his sandwich f you used that time with him instead.

Please please communicate with him and get the help you both need. I wish you the best.

[central]

I think it would be wise to hold off on getting married until you can solve the sexual issues. These - if not fixed - will undermine your relationship, and possibly cause it to fail. Realistically, he wants a good sexual relationship with you, which you are unable to fully provide given your past trauma. It's not the fault of either of you, of course, but there are consequences and challenges as a result. And no, everything else you do does not matter much to him, as long as this key expectation of marriage is lacking.

[Michelle ma Belle]

We need to unpack this one by one;

 

First, I'm sincerely sorry to hear of your sexual abuse. As a survivor myself, I understand the long term effects. That being said, there is hope and you can heal from the trauma and live out a very happy, healthy and fulfilling life including having a wonderful sex life. I'm living proof of it.

 

Are you or have you ever been in any therapy for your sexual abuse?

 

Does your fiance know of your past trauma?

 

Depending on your answers, I'll address them separately.

 

Second, did you know of your fiance's bisexuality before getting involved with him?

 

Third, it appears that, at least for the time being, you aren't on the same page regarding sex. Some of that can be blamed on your past abuse while another part can be blamed on his need to explore and experiment beyond the confines of a traditional monogamous relationship. Just having given birth also doesn't help your libido so if nothing else, he needs to be sensitive to this no matter what.

 

Fourth, as a past survivor, please do NOT enter into ANY kind of sexual arrangement or act ESPECIALLY in terms of multiple partners UNLESS and UNTIL you have had extensive therapy! I can't stress this enough. Jumping into such acts out of pressure or out of fear of losing him if you don't agree to what he wants is only going to re-traumatize you and set you back even further than you already are.

 

If he can't understand that and continues to jab or pressure you in any way despite knowing your history, then perhaps you need to think long and hard about your relationship. Couple's therapy is always another great option but NOT until you have done the work you need to do for yourself. Nothing is going to fix you and especially your relationship until you deal with your past trauma.

 

Hugs.

[Simple Logic]

I was sexually abused for 9 years which has led to a deep discomfort with sexual activity. I will have sex with my fiance but I do not enjoy it. I do not orgasm with other people. But I will try to a couple times a week to please him, we just had a baby a month ago. However, its not enough for him and neither am i.... He constantly makes little jabs about how i say no to sex and how he wants more sex and if I'm being honest it makes me feel like nothing i do is enough. And i do a LOT. I take care of our family, cook, clean, make him lunches, buy him things, i even stood in the kitchen and picked pickles and cheese off a deli sandwich i bought him because i knew he didn't like them. Now I'm in no way saying he's a bad fiance because he's not he's very caring and giving. But these small jabs are eating me away and making me feel like nothing i do is good enough.

I know this is tmi but he tends to like men as well and he asked if we could have a three way with a man. His sexual quests make me very uncomfortable and i dont know what to do. I need someone to talk to.

 

You are over due for professional councilling.