Reconnecting with ex that I left

[Trimega]

This is a long story so I will summarize as much as possible. Hopefully, someone will be able to take something away and if anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it.

 

I have known my ex for 7 years now. We hooked up casually for the first year. Then dated for 4 years. We have been broken up for over 1.5 years. During the relationship we had our standard ups and downs but we were very much in love. We were/are great for each other. Best friends, same religion, same upbringing and family values and had amazing sexual chemistry. Our entire community and circle of friends loved us as a couple.

 

We broke up because I had a change of career, she was concurrently pressurising me for marriage or commitment to marry during that period of intense financial strain. Try as best as I could, I could not convince her that once I had my finances and career sorted out in a year or 2 I would propose to her. She was panicking and didn't feel loved. So over a 3 month period we began to fight and I found it hard to be the great bf to her that I had always been as I felt she didn't care for me and my needs to be financially stable in order to provide for her and an eventual family. The situation snowballed. Long story short, I eventually noticed a behavioural change in her. I became suspicious and I checked her phone for the first time in our relationship. I found a text thread to another man (turns out he was married) talking about kissing and her replying positively to an offer to make love to him. I don't believe anything happened physically.

 

I immediately broke it off. I was hurt. My trust was broken. I bought a ticket and went on holiday with some friends.

 

When I returned she began begging and pleading. Being part of the same circle of friends and having limited options to go out and party I ended up seeing her at least twice a month. We ended up sleeping together countless times as a result of boozy evenings out (I did my best to avoid this happening). It always resulted in the same scenario - we would spend our Sunday together as if we were dating and then her consistently pushing me to get back together immediately. I never got a chance to heal from the hurt I felt and never felt like she did anything to prove that she was sorry. She just partied too hard (she was grieving) and pushed for reconciliation too soon. I never felt able to forgive her and asked her for time to see if I could heal and forgive the breach of trust.

 

At the beginning of this year she told me she had met someone in another city close to me. I felt she was trying to make me jealous. I didn't react. Towards March she told me she was going to move to that city as she couldn't be in this situation any longer (seeing me everywhere and us slipping up and sleeping together every once in a while and her begging). Her sister came to me with what I felt as an ultimatum, she was planning on moving to that city. She told me my ex would stay if I wanted her to. I said in all good conscience I couldn't keep her here if I hadn't yet forgiven her, I didn't want her to suffer any longer while tried to heal and forgive. I also knew that she would probably end up dating this new guy she met. We had a mutual friend's wedding planned in Europe in September.

 

I spent the interim concentrating on myself and starting a business. I have been with multiple girls casually in the interim. I heard she started dating the guy around May/June. I was unemotional about it. Over that time though, I began to feel like I could forgive her. Fast forward to September this year. We both knew we were attending this wedding. I didn't expect the bf to be there as I was only allowed to travel with her (strict father) after dating for a year. I was looking forward to seeing her and potentially reconnecting.

 

I found out 3 days before the wedding that the new bf was going to be there. This hit me hard as it made it clear that he was more serious than I imagined. I saw her and him at the wedding, a few awkward encounters ensued but I handled it well, with indifference and some humour (shared a joke or 2 with her). I was unreactive and intent on havign a good evening regardless.

 

At the end of the night a close friend of hers approached me and asked if I still loved her. I refused to answer until she told me what my ex felt as she had a bf with her. She said that she does still love me.

 

It is now 2.5 months out from the wedding. I know I still love her. I know I have forgiven her. I want to get her back but I have no idea what the best approach is.

 

These are the options I thing I have:

 

1) Fly down on the pretence of business, call her up, take her for a drink/coffee/dinner and try court her again (no begging, pleading or talking about relationship) just make her remember why she was in love with me.

 

1b) Fly down on the pretense of business, call her up, take her for a drink/coffee/dinner and reveal how I feel now and tell her I want to get back together

 

2) Leave it completely and wait for their relationship to potentially fizzle out (the assumption here is that this relationship is a rebound - although it has lasted +-6months and he has been introduced to the family) and then court her in a stronger and less complicated situation.

 

3) Approach her sister and speak to her. The aim here would be to gauge what my ex's feelings are and avoid going to her and potentially pushing her further into his arms

 

I'm not sure what to do. Each approach has its risks. I have to admit that I am afraid of the potential rejection as my anger towards her is gone and I'm left with the love i've always had for her.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

THANKS

[SpecialJ]

You do see the huge red flag here, right? She was having some sort of emotional affair / flirtation when she was with you, because you wouldn't give her what she wanted at the exact moment she wanted it. Now, if she is indeed sending you messages through friends and her sister to ask her to stay / tell you she loves you... then essentially she's emotionally cheating on her boyfriend, too, while playing games. Rebound or not, six months is way too long to seriously string someone along if you're any sort of decent person. And it means it's more likely than not she'll keep doing that sort of thing to future partners. The fact that she keeps doing it also means her needs are way, way more important to her than her partner's needs, which she also showed you by pushing you too hard too fast for reconciliation when she'd done nothing (and still has done nothing) to earn it. Is that the kind of person you want to be with?

 

If so, no one can stop you, but go into it with your eyes open. I don't think you should be actively trying to win her back while she's trying to make a new relationship work. It's disrespectful. However, it doesn't sound like you've been honest with her for a long time either. Maybe it would help you feel closure to tell her how you feel, keeping it very short and sweet, and letting her sit with it and decide who she wants. Don't continue to involve 3rd parties in your communication, don't assume her relationship will fizzle, don't do anything on the pretense of business. Just be sure of what you want, put it out there, and then leave it be. It's not about a power play at this point, it's about whether or not you're right for each other, so just be mature and respectful and assume you should be preparing to move on -- don't have expectations or you may be building yourself up for disappointment. Good luck.

[dumbass2]

4. Leave it be and move forward and find someone new to start a fresh relationship with. If it is true what she said to her friend to relay to you, then she is emotionally cheating on her bf. She physically cheated on you. You want back with this woman? Never go back to a cheater. You may think you've forgiven her, but if you were to get back it would all come back to you and would not trust her.

[Trimega]

Thank you very much for the responses and for your time. I appreciate it.

 

I understand your warning about the red flag. and thank you for the advice SpecialJ. I think your approach is best. I will call her and tell her how I feel. No begging, pleading or anything of that sort. Just straight and tell her that she can do what she will with that information. I would really prefer to do it in person though as opposed to over the phone. That's the only reason I said I wanted to go down on the pretence of business. I do have friends in that city and can always just make a trip of it. I may call her and see if she is willing to meet next week. If she is not, then I will have a conversation over the phone.

 

4. Leave it be and move forward and find someone new to start a fresh relationship with. If it is true what she said to her friend to relay to you, then she is emotionally cheating on her bf. She physically cheated on you. You want back with this woman? Never go back to a cheater. You may think you've forgiven her, but if you were to get back it would all come back to you and would not trust her.

 

Thanks for the reply dumbass2. I apologise for not making it clear in my original post: I don't believe she told her friend to come and tell me that. That friend is a mutual friend and thinks that it's sad that if we both love each other that we aren't together. She came to give me her opinion. I'm certain she came to tell me that of her own volition. Also, I am almost certain that she did not physically cheat on me as I mentioned in my original post. Her sister came to me and told me that absolutely nothing happened physically. I believe that. However, I'm not saying that it is right.

 

If she tells me that she is not interested or if I pick it up, I will obviously have to move on and start afresh. I have been holding onto the knowledge that given time I would forgive her. Seems she may have moved on in the interim. Unless this is a rebound relationship to fill the void that was left when I told her to leave to the other city. She begged and pleaded for a year to get back together. I never felt like she tried to regain my trust (she jsut brute forced trying to rush me into accepting her again) and that's why I felt I needed time and space to forgive her and allowing her to leave was the only way I would get that time. I know she probably feels like I rejected her after a year or more of what she considers as attempts to win me back. I cant say she didn't try in her own way.

[Cephalopod]

Flirting with and telling a guy she wants to have sex with him is cheating whether she actually did it or not. She had the intent to cheat on you. Had you not caught her she probably would have.

 

 

Look, when I read your story, I see two people completely out of sync with each other. You seem to be a good guy with your head on your shoulders, working hard and trying to start a business. You have a plan and you are trying to get your future on track.

 

 

She on the other hand seems to be flighty. Likes to party. Moving from place to place, rushing in to things, not taking responsibility for the hurt she caused you, et al.

 

 

I see a huge maturity disparity between the two of you. IMO you are too good for her. Seriously. Don't contact her anymore and move on with your life. Find an adult woman to date. Leave the girls behind.