AttractedtoSlim Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 I have been involved with my girlfriend for about a year and a half. We met via an internet dating site. We discussed what we found attractive in a partner. I stated that I was attracted to slim or perhaps even skinny women. She stated that she did really care if a guy was in good shape just as long as he was not obese. She is not fat, but she definitely has a bit of a tire around her waist which has continued to grow during our relationship. It has gotten to the point where it really does affect my attraction to her. I am no perfect male specimen but at least I attempt to exercise regularly with weights and running and am pretty much at an ideal body weight for my height. She on the other hand has not exercised despite multiple attempts to encourage her. Quite frankly our emotional relationship has continued to grow, and sex is really not that big of a factor for me (really) , but she is a very sexual person who is almost always the one who initiates intimacy. After trying to encourage her for months to exercise, I have given up. This still causes problems because she wants to know if I am still attracted to her, and why I never want to have sex anymore. I think that part of the decrease in the frequency of our sex is a normal part of a maturing relationship, but part of it is related to my attraction to her. Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 hmmmm if it hadn't been the point of saying you prefered slim women in advance, I would think you are my b/f! We also met on an online dating site, and he has lost interest in having sex with me. I keep saying that I feel he is no longer attracted to me - which he denies - yet we still never have sex. I mean it's been MONTHS, and before that it was MONTHS. Are you my b/f? I understand people being attracted to certain types - but isn't that just superficial and in the beginining? Doesn't the emotional connection override that? I am sure I am wrong here - I know men are visual beings, more so than women - but to be honest it is quite hurtful I know I have not offered any advice - only more questions - but boy I feel what your g/f is going through! My therapist actually thinks I should break it off with him, due to lack of physical intimacy - but I really want/need to see if we can fix this, since I really love him. Do you think you and your g/f have a future? I guess that is my biggest question on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Maybe you should be straight with her and tell her exactly what you feel. Probably since you are just suggesting that she exercise but do not tell her your exact motives for telling her she takes it like whatever. Try telling her but be sure not to let it sound mean or like all there is to you is looks. Link to post Share on other sites
amberlily Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Let her go, you're obviously hung up on this and it's not going to go away and the odds are that she could continue to gain weight. Why waste her life and time by remaining with her if you're not very attracted to this one aspect of her body? Let her go so that she can find a man who's not looking for Kate Moss, who will be attracted to the more substantial things about her: her heart, her personality, her good points, her smile, etc. By the way, have you ever suggested you work out and do exercise TOGETHER? Join a club together? Start running together? But seriously, let her go.........almost all women have a little bit of a belly and it usually increases with age and surely after having children. Get yourself a blowup doll. Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 break it off if you can't take it anymore. You're not married yet. But bear in mind that, when you do marry one day, and your wife puts on weight (which usually happens) what are you going to do? I do have a problem with my girl putting on weight, so she's diligent in keeping herself in shape. Haven't you conveyed your feelings to her? In a relationship you gotta be honest with one another. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 The mechanics of sex mean that it's not always the choice of pastime for people who are overly fastidious about physical matters. Is finding fault with your girlfriend's body perhaps the most palatable reason you can find for avoiding sexual activity? That way, you could pass on the blame to her for not being "up to scratch" rather than explore any sexual or intimacy problems you yourself might have. It sounds as if she's got a healthy approach to sex, and it would be a pity if your hang ups about this started to rub off on her. I'm with the "let her go" crowd. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 To the OP, unless there are underlying issues (as noted above) that are really more yours than anything, I'd suggest that you talk to her about it and continue to try to get her to exercise with you. There is nothing wrong with insisting on standards from your mate. Do not get married to her until she understands your position. Sure, 5-10 extra pounds may be okay, but too many people regard relationships as their excuse to sit and do little other than feel connected... The all of a sudden it's 40 lbs. In the meantime, if you care for her, then start giving her the best work in the bedroom that you possibly can. Just whip her into a frenzy of love and lust and she'll get to the gym. But put an internal time limit on it and if she doesn't get where you are attracted to her, then just calmly end it. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius To the OP, unless there are underlying issues (as noted above) that are really more yours than anything, I'd suggest that you talk to her about it and continue to try to get her to exercise with you. There is nothing wrong with insisting on standards from your mate. That seems fair, but it's always difficult to guess what people's definition of "out of shape" means. Some people will draw comparisons with professional beauties who have to remain at the bottom of or below their healthy weight range in order to carry on working. Others will use the phrase out of shape as a euphemism to describe someone who is so overweight that they're putting their health at risk. The words "slim or maybe even skinny" bother me a bit. OP, if that's what you go for, it's best to stick with someone who's got a fast metabolism and doesn't put on weight easily. The golden rule should really be that you want your mate to be healthy - ie within their correct weight for height and build range, and fit enough that they can walk up two or three flights of stairs without getting out of puff. If your girlfriend meets those criteria, then it could be that you're getting a bit picky....and if she can only become and remain desirable to you by dieting very restrictively and working out like a demon, then I think you'll both have a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.positive Posted August 20, 2005 Share Posted August 20, 2005 Work out with her tell her itl be fun and it will bring you both closer, which is actually not a lie , it will do that. Link to post Share on other sites
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