Would YOU stay or go?

[dsancious]

My wife had an affair with her ex 2 months and 6 months into our marriage. Would you stay or would you go?

[lynnspies1]

If you have no children, go.

[clandestinidad]

go go go go go

[wanting to heal]

With no kids, go.

[Barby]

Since I see the responses are very short, I'll try to keep mine that way as well.

 

I think that if someone can have an affair that early in a marriage to me that screams that the marriage doesn't mean much to the cheater!!! It seems to me that this is what you'll have to look forward to throughout the rest of your marriage. Are you really willing to take the chance of her continuing to have affairs? You know the say "nothing predicts the future better than past behaviors"

 

But since this is a short post, none of us know either one of you...it is hard to give solid advice but based on your question......I say run!!!

[clandestinidad]

mhm...what barby said

[HokeyReligions]

Once with very unique circumstance I would say try to work it out, but she had sex with him twice? Is that what you mean -- that she had sex with him at your 2 month mark and again at your 6 month mark?

 

Your broken heart will heal faster if you don't drag it out----RUN

[quankanne]

this answer is probably based more in pride than not, but I also would go. Because how could I pledge myself to a man, cheat on him (or he cheat on me) then expect the dynamic of our relationship to ever be the same? Maybe me or he would have learned from that experience and decided that the marriage was worth much more than an affair, but either way, I'd still have a problem with the trust factor. I love my husband very much, but if there's no trust, there's no true basis for a relationship where trust is fundamental ...

 

have you been married a good while, and just learned of this? I imagine the hurt is very fresh, if that's the case ...

[reservoirdog1]

Run like hell.

 

I wish I was where you was, and had found out sooner about my XW cheating 2 months into the marriage, and had been given the opportunity to kill the marriage in infancy. But no... I found out the true nature of it seven years and two children later.

 

Get out now, while you can do so relatively unscathed. She doesn't care about you, has no respect for you, and her word isn't worth s***. Don't bind your life to somebody like her.

[dsancious]

A little background. We were married in June 2003 and moved 2 hours away from her family (and ex.). Almost from the start, she was calling her ex. on her cellphone even though he has very little to do with their son. I suspected that she had sex with him in August 2003 and the phone calls continued until Jan. 2004 when I laid down the law. After that, we begin to have a pretty decent marriage. But I always suspected that she had had sex with him in Aug. and possibly in Dec. (6 months after our marriage). However, I could not keep it out of my mind what had probably happened and would occasionally quiz her about these thoughts of mine. Finally, in Feb. of this year, she told me that they had indeed had sex twice, once in Aug. 2003 and again in Dec. 2003. She has told me her reasons for her infidelities but they make little sense. I basically think that I was just her 2nd choice after he boke things off with her whenever they found out she was pregnant.

 

We have no children together. We have been going to counseling sporadically with mixed results. The reason: What it all boils down to is this: DO I WANT TO BE MARRIED TO THE TYPE OF WOMAN WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING? I just can't see how anybody with any self-esteem or pride could stay in such a marriage, but here I am still in it. I guess that says volumes about my self-esteem, which, by the way, is non-existent.

[Sal Paradise]

This is an easy one.........

 

GO GO GADGET LEGS

 

GO GO GADGET RUN LIKE HELL

[sylviaguardian]

I'm going to play devil's advocate here...

 

Ok, marriage should be a big step, a big committment. For a lot of people these days it's just a formality. People marry after they've had kids, they have kids and don't marry, they get married after living together for 20 years. When I told a friend about my H's affair while we were married, she told me about her and her husband's cheating before they got married (they were together about 8 years before marrying). Her take was: your H did it after the wedding, we did it before.

 

Now, I am know I am probably going to cause a huge argument here but there are other things to consider. The first is that you have obviously stayed for 2 months so your gut reaction was not to chuck her out or leave. The second is that it takes around 2 years to get over an affair so 2 months is not long. Can I ask:

 

How long were you together before you married?

What was your wife's behaviour like during this time?

What are the reasons for the affair?

How long did the affair go on for?

Has your wife been honest?

Is your wife remorseful?

Are there any reasons for staying?

 

Sylvia

[dsancious]

I can't even make love to my wife anymore, even using Viagra. Our sex life has been rather sparse since my confirmation of her having sex twice with her ex. at 2 months and at 6 months into our marriage.

 

I can't help feeling that she is comparing me to him sexually and he wins out (he is "larger" than me and I just feel so f---ing inadequate). She won't talk about the affair and when we go to counseling the onus is on me moving on with our marriage.

 

I just feel deep in my heart that I don't know anything but the surface facts and it is driving me crazy. I can't sleep and feel like there is so much more that she is not telling me.

 

We tried to have sex tonight but I couldn't even get an erection. I don't know what else to do. I am taking Lexapro to help with the obsessive thoughts but they are still there.

 

Is it time to call it quits?

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by dsancious

I can't even make love to my wife anymore, even using Viagra. Our sex life has been rather sparse since my confirmation of her having sex twice with her ex. at 2 months and at 6 months into our marriage.

 

I can't help feeling that she is comparing me to him sexually and he wins out (he is "larger" than me and I just feel so f---ing inadequate). She won't talk about the affair and when we go to counseling the onus is on me moving on with our marriage.

 

I just feel deep in my heart that I don't know anything but the surface facts and it is driving me crazy. I can't sleep and feel like there is so much more that she is not telling me.

 

We tried to have sex tonight but I couldn't even get an erection. I don't know what else to do. I am taking Lexapro to help with the obsessive thoughts but they are still there.

 

Is it time to call it quits?

 

In my opinion it is time to throw in the towel. But if you want to try and fix it you will need counselling, together and possibly seperate. I would tell her what you've said here. Communication could go a long ways. Prepare for the worst though.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by dsancious

I can't even make love to my wife anymore, even using Viagra. Our sex life has been rather sparse since my confirmation of her having sex twice with her ex. at 2 months and at 6 months into our marriage.

 

I can't help feeling that she is comparing me to him sexually and he wins out (he is "larger" than me and I just feel so f---ing inadequate). She won't talk about the affair and when we go to counseling the onus is on me moving on with our marriage.

 

I just feel deep in my heart that I don't know anything but the surface facts and it is driving me crazy. I can't sleep and feel like there is so much more that she is not telling me.

 

We tried to have sex tonight but I couldn't even get an erection. I don't know what else to do. I am taking Lexapro to help with the obsessive thoughts but they are still there.

 

Is it time to call it quits?

 

Just slow down. You seem to be in a hurry to get everything done fast. First of all, there is no pressure on you to have a sex life at this moment. It is hardly surprising that you can't do it, given what you have just found out. As for her ex being bigger, well big deal! Most woman will tell you that being 'large' does not guarantee anything, it's just a small bit of a bigger picture.

 

These do not seem to be the root problems here though - I would hazard a guess that the main problem is the fact that your wife won't talk. She won't talk - you think there's more to it, you are suspicious and doubtful and probably resentful because you feel she has 'got away with it'. It is not time to quit yet, but it will be if she goes on not talking. That is not acceptable, considering what she has done. Let her know how you feel. Let her know that you are close to giving up. But make sure she knows what she can do to change it.

[Iluvsiamese]

Unfortunately, I think that you are right wrt being second choice. This is the problem with getting someone on the rebound who hasn't yet moved on. My guess is that you married her too quickly.

 

There is the possibility that she may get over him and move on to you, but there are no guarantees of either. Keep in mind that as she has a son with this person, even though he is presently not interested, there will always be a connection and that he may become interested in his son in the future. Given the entire history, you will likely have some difficulty handling this.

 

Is your wife upset at all with this problem? That would be a good indicator of how she really feels about you. If she is only concerned about the sex part, then I would say that she has no real feelings towards you. The fact that she won't talk to the counselor about her ex and the affair(s) is a red flag as well.

 

Personally, if I were you, I would get out and move on. Find someone you don't feel you are rescuing, who has some values and who will truly care for you. Wait for 3 years before you marry in any relationship. It may seem like a long time, but you need that time to get a handle on who they are.

 

BTW, bigger is not necessarily better. In my experience, the "bigger" ones depended so much on their size to make an impression that they were seriously lacking in technique. This is by no means a rule, just an observation.

[lynnspies1]

There are a few things going on here. You may not have any children together but there is a child involved.

 

Secondly you are taking an anti-depressant, this is good for the depression and anxiety but bad for the sex life. I chose to stop taking them because of that side effect and I also felt I was over the worst part of the depression.

 

Third, you said yourself that you had begun to have a pretty decent marriage. Only you can decide if that was good enough for a life long commitment. It sounds like you don't think it is. I am sure you question the entire relationship given that she was so far off track so early in the marriage.

 

Everything you are feeling is a normal response to the trauma of infidelity. Each time you learn more details, you start back at square one with the trauma. It takes time to deal with the feeling you have and then time to make a decision as to stay or go. It will be hard work to stay, only you can say if it will be worth it in the end. I don't think marriage counselling is a good place to be right now for you or her. Individual counselling would help with the crisis management for you right now but until you both decide to fully commit to the marriage, marriage counselling is a waste of $.

 

Sorry for all the pain, most of us here know it all to well. You need to take care of yourself.

 

Lynn

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by dsancious

She has told me her reasons for her infidelities but they make little sense.

 

What did she state as her reasons? They may make little sense to you, but a lot of sense to her. In any case, I agree that if she cheated that early in the marriage, she refuses to work on the marriage but rather runs to the first open arms. She is either completely unstable or she loves him that much. But maybe she felt abandoned by you in some way and that was her way to cure her pain.

 

The decision to stay or go is your call, not ours. If you can't get past her infidelity, if it's going to ruin your marriage then it might be better if you leave her. In any case, don't have a baby now!

[passing by]

I would go.

[dsancious]

I have been sleeping downstairs in the recliner all week. I am leaning more and more toward a separation to help us see if we really want to be together. We hardly talk and we certainly don't talk about her affair. She says I may hear things that I won't like or that she would tell me the truth and I still wouldn't believe her. Either way, it would be her WILLINGNESS to talk about the affair that would help me out.

 

Personally, I don't believe that I can stay with a woman that has done what she did. I do not believe that she has told me anything but the bare facts about the affair. I also believe that she was emotionally-involved with her ex. but she denies this. I am not going to spend the rest of my life constantly wondering if she if screwing around on me. And yes, I believe that she is quite capable of doing so.

 

I do believe that I desrve better than this and I don't have to "settle" for this. I think it is time to "move on down the road."

[dsancious]

How long does it take to get over these feelings of rage and resentment? I'ts been over 6 months now that I found out about her affair and I feel like things are going downhill, not getting better. I just cannot get the thoughts out of my head of her having sex with her ex. so soon after our marriage and her refusal to answer any of my questions. She believes (as does our counselor) that all I need to know is when, how many times, and why. I'm not sure that I know the real answers to any of these questions. I constantly ruminate over how she felt with his "large" d--k in her and her sucking his d--k and everything else that went on.

 

I do know this, however. They did not use the spoon position. I found that extremely hard to understand as she told me that they had never spooned during their entire relationship. In fact, that was one of the reasons that she had sex with him the second time because I liked to spoon and knew that he wouldn't. This whole thing has got me so f---ed-up. I feel extremely inadequate in all areas of my life, especially sexually. I just don't believe that I know 1/10th of what really was going on and she will never tell me unless I tell her I want the whole story from beginning to end or our marriage is over.

 

As to why she had the affair, there appears to be a variety of reasons. She moved two hours away from her family, her kids weren't happy, and she felt like I wasn't paying enought attention to her. I feel like such a failure and a fool for still being with her but I really believe that she is sorry for what she has done and really does love me. She's not the same person she was when she was having the affair. Unfortunately, neither am I. I know I am rambling but I just need to get this sh-t out of my head, even if it's on paper. The main problems that I am having right now are extreme feelings of sexual inadequacy and the belief that I really don't know s--t about what really went on. I remember her telling me once (before I found out about the affair) that I wasn't big, I wasn't small, I was AVERAGE. No man wants to be called average in size by his woman, even if she tells me that I'm the best lover that she's ever had. Little white lies were invented for this reason. She didn't have to tell me that I was the biggest that she'd ever had, but damn, what's the problem with saying something like "Oh, you're not average baby. You are far from average." Ladies, don't ever tell your man he is just average in size (my tip for the day).

 

God, I really am rambling now and I thought Lexapro was supposed to be very good at reducing obsessive thinking. Thanks for listening.

[Horse]

There would be burned rubber in the driveway.

 

I think I could get past an affair if there was an understandable reason for it, like I was neglecting my wife or something, but that's not the case here...

 

I wouldn't ever want to be someones plan B.

 

Marriages are built on trust and I don't think it is wise to trust someone who you know will always be waiting for their first choice or looking for something better.

[Dean3922]

Why even ask such a question unless you really want to be around for number 3. Yea, just stay with her and tell her how much you want it to work out and she will tell you the same as she is IMing the ex and setting up the next meeting.

[ecco]

No Kids, Run And Don't Look Back