First First Date in 17 Years

[1fish2fish]

I have a different opinion as a man. I wouldn't send that text. It sounds too needy and approval seeking, like you're afraid to say/do certain things around her. I would focus solely on taking things to the next level in person. I think you need to move in and kiss her. Don't be scared.

 

As a single woman who isn't 100% positive she is over her exbf quite yet, I completely disagree with moving in for a kiss.

 

You both seen to have open, honest communication, and the reason she's acting more comfortable with you and perhaps a bit "flirty" is because she trusts you.

 

If the kiss is unwanted right now, EVEN IF she seems to enjoy it at the moment, you've lost not only a potential dating partner, but a friend.

 

FWIW, I'm in your age range. I think the whole "friendzone" thing applies to a younger crowd, and even then, I think it's a kinder way of labelling a male/female friendship where there is no attraction or chemistry felt by one of the parties. At least that's been my experience. My best dating relationships evolved out of good friendships.

Edited November 14, 2017 by 1fish2fish

[jcm 800]

I appreciate the advice, but I refuse to be the person who ignores what was said. Going for a kiss right now would destroy this. I'd bet a week's pay on it. Our intentions were clear up front, and it didn't go well the first date. She could have never contacted me again, or said, "thanks, but no thanks." She did neither, so that is why I think something is there. She was very happy when I agreed to go out as friends.

 

I treat my friends this way, and I've had most of my friends for 30+ years. I've said similar things to most of them. They know I'm loyal, and they know exactly how I feel about them, good and bad. I decided to take a chance and treat her the same way. It may backfire, it may not.

 

Listen, I hope I don't sound arrogant (because I don't mean it that way), but I sing and play guitar in bands, and I'm good at it. I get propositioned semi-regularly. I'm not interested in that. I'm also not interested in entering a relationship with ANYONE where mutual respect isn't a priority. And mutual respect to me means that I listen to what is being said to me. I walked away from a marriage that did not have mutual respect, and it cost me dearly financially and emotionally. I just pulled out of that mess recently.

Edited November 14, 2017 by jcm 800

[Highndry]

When I mentioned kissing her, I of course meant tactfully. If you think that's too much, how about holding her hand? You have said on this thread you are romantically interested in this woman. As a man, you need to take charge and let those feelings be known, in a confident manner which is why I mentioned kissing. I am completely against using text for that stuff. Handle it around her in person, without being afraid to show her how you feel. I guess we differ in our approach, but I have never once lost a gal because I kissed her, and I'm in my 40's, too. Then again, I don't date women who "aren't sure if they're ready to be dating." Sounds wishy washy and a waste of time.

[jcm 800]

I figured you meant tactfully, Highndry. We do just have two different approaches. No harm, no foul. I'm bound to make some mistakes is the way I'm looking at it, but I would have rather not done that by text, but that's how we've been communicating for the most part.

 

I don't expect everyone to understand or agree with me. Just trying to find my way with all of this. I was never great at it to begin with, and was especially nervous re-entering the dating field after so much time.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I figured you meant tactfully, Highndry. We do just have two different approaches. No harm, no foul. I'm bound to make some mistakes is the way I'm looking at it, but I would have rather not done that by text, but that's how we've been communicating for the most part.

 

I don't expect everyone to understand or agree with me. Just trying to find my way with all of this. I was never great at it to begin with, and was especially nervous re-entering the dating field after so much time.

 

For the record, we women in our forties agree with you .

[Highndry]

For the record, we women in our forties agree with you .

 

I don't think you speak for all women, only yourself. I'd like to hear from other women in their 40's as to how they'd feel if they were dating a guy and he hadn't kissed them and it'd been almost a month.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't think you speak for all women, only yourself. I'd like to hear from other women in their 40's as to how they'd feel if they were dating a guy and he hadn't kissed them and it'd been almost a month.

 

But this is not a traditional "dating" relationship. She didn't enter into it gung-ho to find a partner, and she's made it clear to OP that she's not quite ready.

[Highndry]

But this is not a traditional "dating" relationship. She didn't enter into it gung-ho to find a partner, and she's made it clear to OP that she's not quite ready.

 

But she was on a "dating site." So, she's a time-waster? I'm not getting a good feeling about this woman at all.

[Purrrfect]

Good luck. Online dating can have its challenges. Have no expectations and you may be pleasantly surprised. Keep the first date somewhat brief so you are not stuck on a lin date with someone who has misrepresented themselves. As long as you don’t wear a tank top, cut offs, or flip flops you are likely dressed fine

[Highndry]

Good luck. Online dating can have its challenges. Have no expectations and you may be pleasantly surprised. Keep the first date somewhat brief so you are not stuck on a lin date with someone who has misrepresented themselves. As long as you don’t wear a tank top, cut offs, or flip flops you are likely dressed fine

 

You've got some reading to do, he's waaaayyyyy beyond that.

[jcm 800]

We weren't technically dating, which may work some people, may not for others. That's why I didn't even try. I decided to give it a chance to see if something grew from it. She responded that I was a nice guy and said that she still in a weird space, and is not feeling a romantic connection, but is glad she met me.

 

If I end up with only a friend out of this, I am OK with that. Yes, I have a romantic interest, but I also can't beg someone to reciprocate. Totally fine if the other person isn't feeling it. I wanted to kind of put myself out there for once, and let her know how I felt. I'm actually kind of glad I did it this way, because it may have been more uncomfortable had I done it in person.

 

If nothing else, without going too Stuart Smalley here, I put myself out there after being emotionally decimated from my marriage falling apart, and still managed to come out of it being told I'm a nice guy. I have no problem with that. I must have done something right. I'm not necessarily going to wait around, but if circumstances change and she calls and I'm single, I'll take that call any day of the week. She's been on the up and up with me the entire time.

[jcm 800]

Also, let's be honest here. I was a bumbling fool on the first date. Nerves everywhere, trouble speaking, the whole nine. If she got turned off by that, I can understand. I applaud her for even giving it another shot.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

But she was on a "dating site." So, she's a time-waster? I'm not getting a good feeling about this woman at all.

 

Plenty of people join dating sites before they actually ARE ready for a relationship. I've done it.

[Highndry]

We weren't technically dating, which may work some people, may not for others. That's why I didn't even try. I decided to give it a chance to see if something grew from it. She responded that I was a nice guy and said that she still in a weird space, and is not feeling a romantic connection, but is glad she met me.

 

If I end up with only a friend out of this, I am OK with that. Yes, I have a romantic interest, but I also can't beg someone to reciprocate. Totally fine if the other person isn't feeling it. I wanted to kind of put myself out there for once, and let her know how I felt. I'm actually kind of glad I did it this way, because it may have been more uncomfortable had I done it in person.

 

If nothing else, without going too Stuart Smalley here, I put myself out there after being emotionally decimated from my marriage falling apart, and still managed to come out of it being told I'm a nice guy. I have no problem with that. I must have done something right. I'm not necessarily going to wait around, but if circumstances change and she calls and I'm single, I'll take that call any day of the week. She's been on the up and up with me the entire time.

 

I think it's important to let your feelings be known. I probably would have been more direct, something along the lines of "I realize I want more than friendship with you" but I can't stand ambiguity so like to say things which leave absolutely nothing to the imagination, but I also don't seek friendship with women. I've got sisters if I need that.

 

We may have a different perspective on things, but I'm pulling for you nonetheless.

[jcm 800]

I don't see her as a time waster either. She had good intentions; went on the site, we went out, found out she wasn't ready to do it, and said so. Hell, I wasn't sure I WAS ready to do it, but I'm glad I did.

 

I'm not great, but generally pretty good at reading signals. I know for next time. As I said earlier in the thread, I think she's really nice, and she's already helped me beyond belief, whether she knows it or not.

[jcm 800]

I think it's important to let your feelings be known. I probably would have been more direct, something along the lines of "I realize I want more than friendship with you" but I can't stand ambiguity so like to say things which leave absolutely nothing to the imagination, but I also don't seek friendship with women. I've got sisters if I need that.

 

We may have a different perspective on things, but I'm pulling for you nonetheless.

 

Thank you, I appreciate that. I likely will be a bit more direct next time, just like she was with me.

 

Of course I'm a little bummed about it, but it's OK. I'm a big believer in things always work out they way they're supposed to, so it's not supposed to be me and her. After everything I went through (let's just say substance abuse, massive emotional abuse and manipulation as well as infidelity were involved), I'm just glad I was able to get this far. When I left my wife, I didn't know if I was coming or going.

Edited November 14, 2017 by jcm 800

[Highndry]

Thank you, I appreciate that. I likely will be a bit more direct next time, just like she was with me.

 

Of course I'm a little bummed about it, but it's OK. I'm a big believer in things always work out they way they're supposed to, so it's not supposed to be me and her. After everything I went through (let's just say substance abuse, massive emotional abuse and manipulation as well as infidelity were involved), I'm just glad I was able to get this far. When I left my wife, I didn't know if I was coming or going.

 

Hey, you are doing excellent. Truth be told, I am here because I am not yet ready to go out into the dating world again. I just got out of a relationship which, like you, was emotionally draining. In fact, for the first time in my life I actually feel damaged, which is odd because I'm a pretty strong guy emotionally, or so I thought.

 

I think you should go on some more dates! Seriously, parlay this experience into momentum for the next one, or many. If this gal ended up wanting you, she's got your number. You sound like a great dude, you're a musician, the sky's the limit. Keep posting here, I'm interested in how you fare.

[jcm 800]

Hey, you are doing excellent. Truth be told, I am here because I am not yet ready to go out into the dating world again. I just got out of a relationship which, like you, was emotionally draining. In fact, for the first time in my life I actually feel damaged, which is odd because I'm a pretty strong guy emotionally, or so I thought.

 

I think you should go on some more dates! Seriously, parlay this experience into momentum for the next one, or many. If this gal ended up wanting you, she's got your number. You sound like a great dude, you're a musician, the sky's the limit. Keep posting here, I'm interested in how you fare.

 

Sounds like we have more in common than I thought. I always thought I was pretty stable too, but I also came out of this feeling damaged. Long story short, my leaving my wife meant that I had to relocate to my hometown to stay with family while all of the nasties were sorted out between me and my ex. I left my hometown when I was 19. Most of my friends had also left. I was pretty down for a while. I ultimately decided to stay. Since coming back, I've made quite a few new friends, joined another band, and dropped some weight. I will not allow the situation to beat me down.

 

Needless to say, all of this played a major part into why I was OK taking things very slowly, and if I only got another friend out of it, I was fine. I think I did get a friend, by the way. We're still texting each other, and they're jokey.

 

I hope things improve for you soon, and I'm pulling for you as well.

Edited November 14, 2017 by jcm 800