Married... but when it comes to my goals, I’m on my own! :(

[yefiW]

Hello people on LS. I need some outsider’s insights on my current situation. I’ve been having a hard time figuring out what’s going on here.

 

I married my husband nearly 2 years ago. We’ve dated for 6 years before that. In those 6 years, 3 years were long distance (we talked and saw each other on Skype for 6-8 hours every day/night when at home and chatted on Viber every 2 hours during office hours) the other 3 years, it’s either he was staying in my country or I was staying in his. In the beginning, I asked him if he’d move to my country as his qualification is recognised in my country but mine in his isn’t. But after serious talks and negotiations we decided that I move instead. He agreed that once I moved I won’t be able to make as much as I was making because of my qualifications not being recognised, he said we’ll be fine as his job pays well. And we agreed we both don’t want kids so it’s just gonna be and him. We own our house, it’s always been his house for 15 years, he paid for it upfront when he was 22. And we have another house that we’ve gotten from his grandfather when we got married. We were also given funds, technically some inheritance money when his grandmother died, we decided we would call it an emergency fund. I’m telling this so that you have the idea that money is not a problem.

 

Ever since we got married, I helped him to be savvy, I do everything around the house with my own bare hands as I don’t want to pay hundreds if not thousands of bucks for labor. I painted our driveway. I painted the whole house. I repair tiles when needed. I do our lawn. I cook for us everyday. (He never cooked and he used to spend no less than 50$ everyday for takeaways.) He’s a 6”2 big built muscly guy so he eats a lot. I’m 5”1. And I tell you, I eat just about 10 percent of what he eats. Food and grocery, I am low maintenance. He never had to fork out too much money for me. I go to big shopping centres instead of the small grocery shop nearby so we could save. I do all the laundry, all the ironing, all the cleaning and everything. I try to cut down our electricity bill by using limited appliances. He used to leave everything on even if he wasn’t using them.

 

I even buy clothes for him using my own money many times because he doesn’t mind wearing the same shirt for 6 days and throwing it when it starts to smell. His clothes and socks used to be disposable. He never did his laundry, he used to just get 3 shirts and 10 socks each month then throw them. I want to be a caring wife so I take care of everything at home. When I moved I brought with me no less than 500 items of clothings and other stuff. I’m the kind of who always looks good, smells good and dresses nice. And because I want him to look like my husband and not my driver, I dress him up and he’s thankful and his family thanked me for taking care of him.

 

But he’s not cheap for the things that he wants. He plays online games and spends around 200-300$ a month for games and in-app purchases. That’s on top of his 10 grand computer gaming set up. He’s a hard worker and very good at his job. He’s handsome and everything but when it comes to the way he dresses he doesn’t care. But he likes it every time I prepare things for him. Now I’m telling this so you get the idea that during the waiting period before I could get my own job in his country, I didn’t just sit. I helped to the best that I can.

 

Now, being skilled and now a local resident, I could already get a job around here, but it’s not the job I would want to do, it’s not the job I told him I wanted when we were just getting to know each other. I can stay in this kind of job but I would never be happy.

 

Before I agreed that I should be the one to move, I told him I would have to get a Science degree once I can apply as a local student in his country because it’s my dream, it’s my goal in life. Aside from the fact it would help me get the job I want and that I will be happy to do while also making good income. He knew about my goals 7 years ago. He agreed to it and told me he would support me all the way.

 

Now I’m already a local and can apply to uni as one. It’s 35% cheaper than if I applied 2 years ago as a foreign student.

 

We told his parents and grandfather about it and they even said, lucky for me it wouldn’t be so hard as we already have the money to pay for uni. Grandfather even asked if we kept the money we got from his grandmother, and that I could always use it. My husband said it’s an emergency money.

 

Now I could bust my ass and send myself to uni but it’s going to be long and hard. I asked my husband if he could lend me half of the funds and I’m even willing to sign a legal document stating I would put the funds back once I’m earning enough. He never said no but he kept on telling me that I’m already good, I can do things, I can get a job and make just as good. That I wouldn’t need a degree because we’re ok. He only has a certificate and he has a good job. He keeps saying we own our house, we have no kids, and we have no debt so I don’t need to want anything else. But I keep telling that this is my dream, it’s always been my dream. Arguing with him about me wanting a degree and him saying I don’t need a degree to get ahead is as intense as when 2 different people are arguing about their political and religious beliefs.

 

I tell him that it’s my dream, he tells me I just want to feel good about myself and to show people that I’ve achieved something, that’s why I want it. The thing is he knew about it and he agreed. Now I feel like he only agreed just so I would move and he’s hoping that when I realise I could actually get a job without a degree, I would change my mind about wanting to get one.

 

Last night I was thinking, I’ll just pursue my goal all by myself, not asking for his help. But I want him to be there for me, supporting me while I’m reaching for my goal. I want that when I graduate I’d share the happiness with him, be grateful for him and mean it. I feel like I’m all alone in this. It hurts so much.

 

My husband isn’t a bad person, he provides for me, he pays for my medical bills whenever I get sick. I wouldn’t have stayed inlove with him for 8 years if he’s bad. He’s actually very gentle with words. He doesn’t cuss. I’ve never been physically hurt by him. Our sex life is good. Just can’t understand why is he so hesitant, if not against about me reaching for my goal.

Edited October 21, 2017 by yefiW

[d0nnivain]

You have spoiled him & he doesn't want to lose his domestic servant. If you go back to work, who will cook for him, clean his house, paint the driveway etc.? You need to get him to understand that allowing you to be happy makes you a better partner; it doesn't take away from your love for him. He can't see that now.

[elaine567]

Not only would he lose his "domestic servant" then you would be better qualified than him, and potentially make more money and he wouldn't like that. Many "traditional" men, and he sounds traditional, do not like that, they like to be the provider and have ultimate control.

 

He, I guess, likes you right where you are.

No doubt he may be also be scared that once you leave his cosy nest you will find smarter uni guys more attractive and he will lose you as he cannot compete...

[Just a Guy]

Hi yefiW, Both the previous posters have hit the nail on the head. I wanted to ask you how you first got in touch with your husband considering that the two of you belonged to different countries? Are both your countries in Europe or someplace else? Having said that it appears that you are a driven person whereas your husband is laid back and easy going. I've never heard of any one throwing away shirts and socks every month and buying anew. With washing machines and dryers there is really very little manual labour involved in doing your own laundry and if he found even that difficult I can understand his thinking that you needn't get a degree to get a higher paying job. I would say the two of you are incompatible in terms of your goals in life and this incompatibility is going to escalate as time goes by. You also seem to be someone who is a ' Value for money' person whereas he seems quite happy to blow up money on things with not much intrinsic value. He also seems liable to waste money as witness his leaving on electrical gadgets when not being used so that you get inflated electricity bills.

 

You said that you have already had fairly heated arguments about your desire to pursue your goals whereas he thinks you do not need to do anything because you are qualified to get a reasonably well paying job with your present skills and qualifications. I get the feeling that these arguments are going to escalate at a rapid pace once you join university and start pursuing your course of studies. Your availability at home will go down considerably as also the ability to attend to all the tasks that you are currently handling. This combined with the threat as already pointed out by Elaine will have your husband becoming resentful and the peace in your home is going to be the first casualty. I do not know what advice I can offer you. You will have to compromise a bit and also keep reassuring your husband of your love and devotion to him as I think he will be fearful that you will gradually move on and find someone else who will fit better with your desire to achieve your goals and who will appreciate your drive. Warm wishes.

[yefiW]

I understand your point d0nnivain, but that can’t be the case, my husband knows I’m energetic and always hyper. It’s a gift and probably also because I started very young, my family owned a few businesses back home and everyone had to work for what we had. At the age of 7, I earned my school allowance, not hard labour, just helped with packing corns and mangoes, or waking up at 3am to pick chicken eggs from the poultry. In high school I helped my aunt with her couture business, and even after getting commissions when I brought in clients and even helped her signed up a deal that made her the producer and distributor of my school’s teachers and students uniform I didn’t stop doing house chores as I didn’t have a sister. It is my husband that describes me to be someone who can’t stay still, that I always have to be doing something. I’d be sitting, watching TV and mending clothes at the same time. That’s me. So even if I’m working, I wouldn’t stop being the caring wife that I am or a domestic servant as you call it because it’s a joy to me. I love making things easier for the people that I love. I’d open up his beer bottles if he’d let me. I sing while doing things around the house. But everyone has a dream and I wouldn’t give up on mine. It’s what will make me feel content.

 

I’m afraid elaine and hammy may be right, but if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t be that selfish I really wish he would let me be happy.

 

To answer Just_a_Guy, one of his mates married someone from my hometown. We’re from different continents - 8,000 miles apart. We have differences, but we also have a lot in common. He has a good family background and I’m grateful for it. He’s very loyal and I can bet my life he would never ever cheat on me or break my heart that way.

 

I love this man and I feel sick to my stomach thinking we may have to part. I don’t want to lose him. But I can’t give up on my dream

Edited October 21, 2017 by yefiW

[Els]

 

Before I agreed that I should be the one to move, I told him I would have to get a Science degree once I can apply as a local student in his country because it’s my dream, it’s my goal in life. Aside from the fact it would help me get the job I want and that I will be happy to do while also making good income. He knew about my goals 7 years ago. He agreed to it and told me he would support me all the way.

 

---

 

Now I could bust my ass and send myself to uni but it’s going to be long and hard. I asked my husband if he could lend me half of the funds and I’m even willing to sign a legal document stating I would put the funds back once I’m earning enough. He never said no but he kept on telling me that I’m already good, I can do things, I can get a job and make just as good. That I wouldn’t need a degree because we’re ok. He only has a certificate and he has a good job. He keeps saying we own our house, we have no kids, and we have no debt so I don’t need to want anything else. But I keep telling that this is my dream, it’s always been my dream. Arguing with him about me wanting a degree and him saying I don’t need a degree to get ahead is as intense as when 2 different people are arguing about their political and religious beliefs.

 

This is a huge red flag in my book, especially when you had already talked about this before moving to be with him and he promised to support you then. It signals to me that he just said whatever he felt he needed to say to get you to move to his country, without truly meaning it. If he was truly just a decent guy who didn't believe in college education, the time to say that would have been BEFORE you moved, not after!

 

Have you told him point blank that he is breaking his word to you and that you are extremely disappointed by his lack of concern about your happiness and his lack of adherence to his promises? If you have, what was his response?

[mrs rubble]

Can you apply for a scholarship to go to uni? You say you're interested in doing a science degree, I work in a medical laboratory and my employer has a scholarship program where graduates are bonded to our workplace for 2 years after graduation. Maybe there is something similar in your area.

[Just a Guy]

Hi yefiW, so tell me, are you planning to leave your husband? Your last two sentences in your last post seem to indicate so. Is it an either / or case? Seems sad. I think Elswyth hit the nail on the head with the " Red Flag" comment. I guess you have a lot on your plate. You said that your two nations are on two different continents and separated by 8000 mile. That is a huge divide not only in terms of distance but also of culture. Do you two speak a common language? Do your cultural traditions clash with each other? Are you two of the same religion or from different religions? All these factors are going to weigh in to your ability to meld together. I must say for a woman you were very courageous to leave all your familiar surroundings for someone who you really did not know so well. Warm wishes.

[yefiW]

I’ve just told him that, that he’s breaking his word. He said “Please don’t attack me with that...” He said that he’s just worried about me, he said I’m too kind, that my kind nature will be my biggest enemy out there. He said I should always remember that he cares about me so much at that I am the love of his life. He thinks that because I didn’t grow up in a tough neighbourhood and that I had it easy, that I will be too weak. I told him I won’t be a suck up in the outside world. We kind of stopped talking after that because I started crying. He just hugged me then and we both fell asleep.

 

I am bit confused right now. We’ve been through emotional and lengthy process to be able to be physically together for good. All those night we cried not being able to touch each other after a long day, they keep coming back to me. While my husband has many traits that don’t impress me, he is a loving, humble and loyal man. He listens to my rambles, like the other day, I mentioned I felt like doing weights, the following day, the equipments were delivered. Even when I’m talking to someone and not him, he listens to what I say I like, once I said to my friend, the Just Dance app looks cool, I might try it, a few days later he got me a Nintendo and bought the app then he joined and danced with me... it was fun! We laugh a lot. There’s not a day we never laughed together even when we just had a heated argument. We could easily amuse each other, I guess.

 

There’s no language barrier between us as I’ve been using English for my second language since I was 10. We have the same religious beliefs, and while we have different culture, it doesn’t bother us both as we kind of feel we meet halfway culturally.

 

I may have sacrificed my own friends and family but his family treats me as their own. I’m so lucky to have loving in-laws. Even his aunt and uncle are like my new best friends. And we can visit my friends and family if we want to, I have had some of them come over here to visit me too.

 

Divorce is such a big word for me. No one in my big family is divorced. My friend told me, I can’t have everything I want. Now I’m just lost and confused...

Edited October 23, 2017 by yefiW

[Just a Guy]

Hi yefiW, I had one suggestion to offer if everything else fais. Can you do a correspondence course in the subject of your choice? Do Universities in your husband's country offer such courses? If they do then you could do the course sitting at home and only have to go to the University to attend practical classes and exams. Think about it.

[Els]

OP, the more I read your posts, the more concerned I become for you. At this stage it really sounds to me like he is trying to prevent you from having a career and pursuing your dreams. Why he is doing that, none of us can answer for you, there are several possible reasons and none of them look good.

 

Has he displayed controlling or insecure behavior in other aspects of your relationship?

 

 

mate, you are not going to get best of both worlds to be honest

 

your husband has clearly laid options infront of you

 

do you want to have a good happy relationship or you want to follow your ambitions

 

in this world, both dont go parallel to each other

 

if you want to follow your ambitions, yo will lose your happy relation, if you follow your relation you will lose your ambition

 

so you gonna have to decide what makes you more happy, your relationship which i already stated romance finishes after 2-3 years then couples have to work for their relation in a marriage

 

or your ambition which after when you achieve you may feel like it was not as worth as a good relation.

 

you are just afraid that after dumping your husband you may not find a nice guy like him ever.

 

for me it seems you are just being selfish

 

marriage is all about compromises, its not having your cake and eating it too

 

choice is yours.

 

What a load of bunk. There is absolutely NO reason why a person in a childfree relationship can't have their career/ambitions and a good relationship at the same time. Even with children it's possible to have both, albeit much more difficult.