I feel like my husband is incompetent

[Undercoverirish]

Firstly, it's the first day of our half term family holiday and I'm feeling a bit flat. We are skint until Wednesday and when we arrived last night, it turns out my husband has missed half of the things he was supposed to pack (which really doesn't surprise me).

 

I posted a while ago, I haven't been happy in my marriage for some time now which is sad, as we've only celebrated our 4 year anniversary. I had developed feelings towards a colleague but that is dead and buried now so a non issue really. But it did highlight to me that perhaps I was probably more unhappy than I was prepared to admit.

 

My husband is a lovely kind hearted man and he's a great father. But I find him incompetent in many instances and he really doesn't match up to my standards. This drives me insane. I packed our holiday for me and my little girl, husband packed his clothes. I went to the grocery store to get the groceries we needed (we are staying in a lovely caravan on the coast), and he packed the existing kitchen bits and food that we had.

 

Only he managed to miss half of the items and didn't pack any of the food from the fridge or freezer. So we arrived here last night with barely any food so had to order in. He works with a Personal Trainer and the PT contacts me to check if he's able to change dates/times etc (his wife is my PT). Turned out my husband hadn't told him he was even going away for half term and wouldn't be there for his PT sessions.

 

I posted a photo on Facebook of the lovely view from the caravan this morning and his PT commented with "did he remember he was going with you of his own accord or did you have to pack his case?!" ��

 

I'm so frustrated at how he bimbles through life. I try to get passed it but it eats at me. I know I probably sound like a callous cow but I feel like I've moved onwards and upwards in life and he hasn't. I know his forgetfulness and disorganisation is an issue at work too as it's been brought up to him before.

 

There are a few other little niggles that build up to make me want to move on but yet I don't feel ready to make that decision. People have recommended counselling before I'm just not sure I want to work on my marriage. I wish I could get closer to a decision. I earn a lot more than he does (no ambition), and it would be me paying for the counselling which I'm just not sure I even want anyway. The earning difference between us is definitely an annoyance of mine. He does pick up a lot more on childcare than I do (because of my job), but I'm really starting to resent him.

 

My mum used to be so mean to my dad - nothing that he ever did was good enough and I don't want to grind my poor husband into the ground like that, and that's where I'm headed as I don't feel I can entrust him with simple tasks. He always messes up - always.

 

I guess this a bit more of a rant than anything else. But if you have went through something similar, it would be great to hear it.

 

[relevant background:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/627051-he-s-vanished-our-emotional-affair &

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/627573-i-ve-told-him-i-m-not-happy-what-now]

Edited October 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added links to previous threads ~6

[road]

You seem to of married your dad. Congratulations

on not being your mom.

 

I'm forgetful. My wife knows better to not send

me to the store without a list.

 

Also you know your husband drops the ball.

So you know that on important things as food

you needed to check that he did his job. As

to packing his clothes, leave that on him if

he forgets his socks or anything.

 

You are who you are he is who he is.

[d0nnivain]

There are some things like packing that my husband is terrible at. I learned that the hard way on our Honeymoon. Since I did all the wedding planning, he was in charge of the HM. We landed in Europe after an overnight flight & I learned he left all the travel documents on the dining room table. Ugh

 

He his an otherwise wonderful person & I'm happy he's in my life so now I pack & don't expect him to organize much because he can't do it to my standards. It's easier to do it then get annoyed.

 

I recommend you read two pop psychology books: The Care and Feeding of a Husband & the Care & Feeding of a Marriage. A lot of it is misogynistic drivel but at ground the books are about appreciation. Its similar to the way The Rules and all the PUA BS are about self esteem.

 

After you read the books, ask yourself the old Ann Landers Q: Are you better off with him or without him? Then act accordingly.

[DKT3]

This guy must be a saint, cuz OP honestly seems like a very difficult person to be involved with..blame blame blame, takes responsibility of nothing, not even her affair.

[BaileyB]

With all due respect, you married the guy... You must have known this about him before you married him, so you can't say that you didn't know what life would be like with this man.

 

Organization is not his strength, we know that. Are there things you can do to help him, rather than complain? What are the things about him that you love? It is a cost/benefit analysis - are you happier with him, or without him?

 

In other words, get over it already... If he is a good man, a good husband and father, then... Let it go. Life is too short.

[todreaminblue]

when i have ever seen a man and a woman pack or organize a trip its been the woman who sorts and packs foodstuffs,my parents my grandparents .....seems all goods to me....with me ...when i was in a relationship i organised everything....the place we stayed ...reservations payment the baggage the car parking the food if we took it....because my partner worked so i organised it....and i would be so happy to do so i loved going on holidays....i would hunt for the best prices.....read so many brochures.....picking exactly the right one....perfect for us all....my partner would pack his bag.....because my idea of pack is chuck clean clothes plus everything but the kitchen sink in a bag with a pair of sneakers and im good to go..my ex was a minimalist.....i am a maximist...).whatever or wherever we went it was about spending time together anyway....and man we had some fun..we would be so excited......

 

your story made me a little sad.....seems its not about being together away from pressure and tension but involves pressure and tension on both of you just to go on a holiday...maybe you should go for professional counselling together before packing it in....your annoyance and frustration with him stems from deeper issues i really feel......issues you need to discover and work on together........deb

[BaileyB]

This guy must be a saint, cuz OP honestly seems like a very difficult person to be involved with..blame blame blame, takes responsibility of nothing, not even her affair.

 

Indeed, after going back to look at previous posts... this isn't really about a forgetful husband. This is simply the complaint de jour.

[sandylee1]

I would never leave the food packing to my husband. That would be a bad idea.

 

I leave him to pack the travel adapters, the games, dvds and the sat nav.

[pheonixrisen]

What your h forgets about packing /food etc is more common than you think .that's why I do the packing for us,and give him a list to buy on case he forgets and even then he will probably come home with at least one item missing.

 

You are your mother already what you saw in your childhood is already ingrained in you.i believe before you consider marriage counselling you should get IC

 

You are resentful you earn more than him .And if this were reversed would you like to have the same treatment .You belittle him .You don't even like him .And I don't see any major thing in your post that he has done to deserve this .

 

If you disrespect him so much .leave .

[Almond_Joy]

My bf's very forgetful also, but it's usually non important things (cabinets open, leaving stuff around the house, taking out trash).

 

If you don't love him which it sounds like you don't you need to leave. If you want to make this work then work with him. You say he picks up most of the childcare....is his forgetfulness impacting the welfare of your child? If he's on top of childcare and forgetful with relationship and job stuff it may be a priority thing in his head. Like his focus is on the kid above anything else.

 

If you're willing to work with him sit down together and start working out reminder tools that he can stick with. Lists, post it notes around the house/at work, phone alarms, mnemonic devices....forgetfulness is something that can be improved on but he needs help to get it started and stick with it long enough to take. If you're not willing to do this with him then leave.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, on reading the OP's post the first question that came to mind was " Why did she marry this guy if she had dated him for a while and had first hand experience of his habits and weaknesses"? After my initial reaction I came to the part where she said that her mother would bully her father as she was growing up and as others have said it seems those traits have been ingrained in her and she has become a mirror image of her mother. From everything she has written it appears that she is a person of independent mind not really suited for marriage or relationships and should have remained single. It doesn't who she marries she will always find something to complain about that person and use him as a whipping boy for shortcomings real or imaginary.

 

In this case I certainly feel that she should do her poor husband a favour and release him so that he can find someone who will truly love him and value him as a husband , strengths and weakness notwithstanding. If she does not let him go she will end up abusing him and he may develop psychiatric problems. Warm wishes.

[GemmaUK]

After 4 years married you would surely know his packing weaknesses by now.

It's small fry if he is otherwise a good man as you say.

 

You want to leave and you don't respect him.

Best you act upon it and give yourselves both a chance for a much happier life.

[deadsoul]

Did you ever get counseling after the EA? Think I would start there... You come across as depressed.

 

If you know your H's shortcomings (especially with packing), then you have to take on that role and let him do his part in ways he is successful.

 

It seems like things go way deeper than a forgetful packer though...

[camillalev]

Some people are being way too hard on OP. It's true that you sometimes have to compensate for your partners weakness. I've dated people who were forgetful in certain areas and I'm fine with remembering certain things for them. They do the same with me. But forgetting to tell your coworker that you'll be gone on holiday? That's a level of incompetence that adults shouldn't have.

 

As for why she married him.. I mean some people's weaknesses and flaws come out 2-fold after marriage. I've seen countless threads on that here.

 

Thought not directly related to OPs husband since he's unfocused and forgetful all around, but it's funny how some men do so well at work yet once they come home it's "my husband just never remembers to clean" "he never remembers to do dishes" "my husband is so bad at grocery shopping" "He's so forgetful! So i just do it and remember for him!" Ok.

Edited October 21, 2017 by camillalev

[Poutrew]

OP, reading your post reminded me of Ma and Pa Kettle (google them). You seem like a bad version of Ma Kettle. Because no matter how bad she bullied poor, simple, Pa Kettle, she did love him and in the end, came through... you however, have built up a brick wall of resentment such that even if you did once love your husband, it has long since been buried by resentment, anger, and hatred. Please, let him go to find a simple, good woman who will let him be himself without rancor, and then you can find a local politician or used car salesman to look up to...

[JuneL]

Has it occurred to you that perhaps you didn't communicate clearly to your husband that some of the food you bought was in the freezer? And why you didn't bother to double-check the bag packed by him was not the most careful move. I agree with the other poster that you have zero respect for him deep down. It's one thing to say that you're frustrated or that he's driving you crazy. But to say that he's incompetent? Omg, he's not some assistant hired by you!

[Undercoverirish]

Things do go deeper than him being forgetful, I think I just felt so frustrated yesterday that it had really impacted me.

 

I'm incredibly resentful that I earn so much more than he does - my salary after tax is 3 times his. Anything nice that we do, we do it on my wages. He isn't interested in earning more and climbing the corporate ladder and I dislike that.

 

I don't think I realised how much like my mum I was until recently. And I hate that, I always said I'd never be like her but although I'm different with my daughter than she was with me, im not treating my husband any different than she did my dad. I couldn't see any evidence of my mum loving my dad, I think she loved the life she had with him (she worked part time and he was the bread winner). After seeing my mum struggle after the divorce, I swore I'd never rely on a man. Hence time being so independent. The cost of that is that I could easily get up and leave a relationship to be by myself and not give it a moments thought.

 

The EA is definitely over and I'm not blaming my husband on that. I know that it was filling in gaps that were missing in me and says more about me than it does about him. I haven't cheated on someone since I was 20 years old - definitely not a serial cheater!!

 

I haven't gone for counselling but maybe I should. I am probably a complete mess, I put a lot of it down to my parents messy separation and divorce when I was 17. Everyone was so worried about my 7 year old brother at the time as they thought I was old enough to understand, but I think it affected me much more than it affected him!

 

Someone mentioned that I married my dad... this is true. I did marry my dad! Even my brother has said how they're two peas in a pod. They get on so well together, they have shared interests, they're so similar it's scary.

 

I wish I was able to be happy with my husband. But my fantasies tend to revolve around being by myself with my own place and actually not having a man in my life.

[Undercoverirish]

As for why she married him.. I mean some people's weaknesses and flaws come out 2-fold after marriage. I've seen countless threads on that here.

 

I was actually in a relationship that wasn't very healthy, directly before I met my husband. Although I can see similarities... he wasn't good enough for me, I thought I was better than him. He was quite aggressive and although he never hit me, he reached the house a few times and I was scared of him. I met hubs within 2 weeks of that relationship ending and he moved in with me pretty much immediately. Within 18 months, we were married and I was 5 months pregnant on our wedding day.

 

We didn't really have enough time together to get to know each other properly in hindsight. And it was only after around 2 years that the money issues he had came to the surface (he's now in a debt management plan). We had a rough couple of years after having our little girl (financially and I had post natal depression) and part of me wonders if that has eroded whatever was left of our relationship. We didn't have much of a base to start with so the problems we've had, maybe it's destroyed what was there?

 

I do wonder if I'll ever be able to be happy with anyone, if anyone will ever match up to my standards. I'd like to think I would but look at me right now and the things I'm saying about my lovely husband.

 

I don't criticise him to his face by the way, I wouldn't do that. Although when I "check" his work, he gets a bit annoyed but that's understandable. But it eats me up inside. I've spoken to my dad about it and even he said my husband is just like him, but that being a steady dependable Eddie is ok.

 

My husband absolutely worships the ground I walk on and that makes this worse ?

[Maraud3r]

Honestly? You seem to go out of your way to try and find fault with him, blowing up even relatively minor things to complete deal breakers. You seem to want out of your marriage, if that's the case there is no need to try and pretend the blame lies (solely) with him. Just admit you fell out of love.

 

Especially since given your own statements and track record. You might just be doing BOTH of you a favour.

[coolheadal]

He's not the man for you, you just stick with it because of what happen with your mom and dad. Broken family life has fallen to you. Poor husband, nothing he does will ever come close to what you desire in man. You gave up on him long time. He will never change and you will never change your mind. Counseling will not help you both. All that does is someone can listen to you grief in the marriage and not take sides.

[elaine567]

You may have a "lovely" man but he is not "lovely" in your eyes atm is he?

 

He is basically a "failure" as far as you are concerned he does not even match up to your own hen pecked father. At least your father brought home the bacon.

Here you feel you are doing everything and nursemaiding your husband too, it is all too much.

You are stuck in a trap, you do not want to berate the "lovely" man as you do not want to turn into your harridan of a mother but you are so angry you could happily strangle him as he never gets anything right...

 

I guess some of your anger is based on fear too, you expected your husband to pick up the bread winning role when you became a mother, but that didn't happen and its patently not going to happen either so you are stuck with trying to make enough money for the family AND be the main carer for your children too, it is a big ask and meanwhile he is just "playing" at his job and is of little or no help to you at home either as he always messes up...

You are a one woman band...

 

I think with your issues regarding your family, your mother and your father, their divorce and how you may be repeating history by "marrying" your father, then I think perhaps going to IC may actually clear your mind and allow you to take a step back and focus on what you have maybe or what you really want or need here.

[BaileyB]

Things do go deeper than him being forgetful, I think I just felt so frustrated yesterday that it had really impacted me.

 

I'm incredibly resentful that I earn so much more than he does - my salary after tax is 3 times his. Anything nice that we do, we do it on my wages. He isn't interested in earning more and climbing the corporate ladder and I dislike that.

 

I don't think I realised how much like my mum I was until recently. And I hate that, I always said I'd never be like her but although I'm different with my daughter than she was with me, im not treating my husband any different than she did my dad. I couldn't see any evidence of my mum loving my dad, I think she loved the life she had with him (she worked part time and he was the bread winner). After seeing my mum struggle after the divorce, I swore I'd never rely on a man. Hence time being so independent. The cost of that is that I could easily get up and leave a relationship to be by myself and not give it a moments thought.

 

The EA is definitely over and I'm not blaming my husband on that. I know that it was filling in gaps that were missing in me and says more about me than it does about him. I haven't cheated on someone since I was 20 years old - definitely not a serial cheater!!

 

I haven't gone for counselling but maybe I should. I am probably a complete mess, I put a lot of it down to my parents messy separation and divorce when I was 17. Everyone was so worried about my 7 year old brother at the time as they thought I was old enough to understand, but I think it affected me much more than it affected him!

 

Someone mentioned that I married my dad... this is true. I did marry my dad! Even my brother has said how they're two peas in a pod. They get on so well together, they have shared interests, they're so similar it's scary.

 

I wish I was able to be happy with my husband. But my fantasies tend to revolve around being by myself with my own place and actually not having a man in my life.

 

I would definitely say counselling is in order. It may help you to realize all that you have with your husband, or it may reveal to you that you really should be by yourself...

 

This isn't something that is going to go away for you...

[kazen]

You're suffering from a severe case of hypergamy, most women suffer from this to an extent. No amount of counseling can fix it. You will keep looking down on your husband. Divorce is imminent. You're only staying because you haven't found a replacement for him yet. Just be warn, the grass is not always greener on the other side.

[Undercoverirish]

Honestly? You seem to go out of your way to try and find fault with him, blowing up even relatively minor things to complete deal breakers. You seem to want out of your marriage, if that's the case there is no need to try and pretend the blame lies (solely) with him. Just admit you fell out of love.

 

Especially since given your own statements and track record. You might just be doing BOTH of you a favour.

 

I told him in February that I thought it was over - he'd been away with his dad and brother for a few days and I didn't want him to come home.

 

I'm not sure if I want it to work. I'm not sure if I want out. I think I was waiting for those initial feelings to come back (I have fallen out of love with him). But they haven't, although there have been a few times when I've looked at him or something has happened and I've had a bit of a warm fuzzy feeling. I know I can't expect things to be like the very beginning but I still want to feel in love.

[Undercoverirish]

Honestly? You seem to go out of your way to try and find fault with him, blowing up even relatively minor things to complete deal breakers. You seem to want out of your marriage, if that's the case there is no need to try and pretend the blame lies (solely) with him. Just admit you fell out of love.

 

Especially since given your own statements and track record. You might just be doing BOTH of you a favour.

 

I HAVE fallen out of love with him and I have told him that. It broke his heart hearing me say it as he says he still loves me like when we first met, more even. When he cried into his hands sitting on our sofa, I felt bad that he was crying and that I had made him cry, but my heart wasn't bleeding for him like it should have been. It was more uncomfortable than anything else.

 

We talked about counselling again today but honest, I'm not sure if I'm open to it. I think it's something that I would do to potentially go through the motions. I feel like I've been going through the motions for the last year at least.