I feel like my husband is incompetent

[elaine567]

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Edited October 22, 2017 by elaine567

[Undercoverirish]

reveal your affair to him and he will automatically dump you

 

Really? There's not exactly much to tell. Apart from a few non-sexual texts, and a bit of flirting, there's nothing more to it

[Poutrew]

Well, it should be some comfort to him, that since you make the most money, you will have to pay him alimony. I am sure that once the initial shock wears off when you are gone, and he realizes that the incessant nagging has stopped and he gets a really good monthly alimony check on top of it all, he will finally stop crying and begin smiling again. Oh, when and if you ever do find another man to be with, make sure he is local - you will not be able to move away with him because of the children, unless your now ex husband gives permission. If I were your soon to be ex hubs, I'd never get married again. Just live with a woman, so the alimony from you never stops... yes sir, good times ahead indeed!

[BaileyB]

I HAVE fallen out of love with him and I have told him that. It broke his heart hearing me say it as he says he still loves me like when we first met, more even. When he cried into his hands sitting on our sofa, I felt bad that he was crying and that I had made him cry, but my heart wasn't bleeding for him like it should have been. It was more uncomfortable than anything else.

 

We talked about counselling again today but honest, I'm not sure if I'm open to it. I think it's something that I would do to potentially go through the motions. I feel like I've been going through the motions for the last year at least.

 

You really do need to separate from your husband. If you are that ambivalent about putting the effort into counselling, then you are done with this marriage.

 

But - get yourself to individual counselling because as they say... "You got issues, girl!" You shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone until you sort your stuff out...

 

Poor man.

[BaileyB]

Well, it should be some comfort to him, that since you make the most money, you will have to pay him alimony. I am sure that once the initial shock wears off when you are gone, and he realizes that the incessant nagging has stopped and he gets a really good monthly alimony check on top of it all, he will finally stop crying and begin smiling again. Oh, when and if you ever do find another man to be with, make sure he is local - you will not be able to move away with him because of the children, unless your now ex husband gives permission. If I were your soon to be ex hubs, I'd never get married again. Just live with a woman, so the alimony from you never stops... yes sir, good times ahead indeed!

 

Indeed. He may not realize it now, but it's very possible that his life is about to get much better...

[preraph]

He is who he is. He's not going to get any better with counseling. He is disorganized. He can't be counted on. He has no ambition. The problem I see is he would likely get joint custody and then how incompetent would he be on his own to take care of your daughter for those days? Yet, you need him to have joint custody since you are the main breadwinner. You may even have to pay him some support. Unless you are someone who just cannot be alone, your life would probably take a turn for the better in quality if he had joint custody because he'd be forced to keep up with your child by the court for his period of time. Who knows, maybe he'd do better than expected one he knows you're not there to pick up the pieces. Maybe he would learn to get organized or lose his little girl. Meanwhile joint custody would give you some leisure time and some dating time as well. But do NOT date at all until a divorce is final.

 

If you are the kind of person who has to have someone aroundl then maybe divorce isn't for you. No guarantee you'll do better. But to me, being alone would be preferable. Good luck.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Poutrew, That was not a very kind thing to say. Although the OP is coming across as a bit heartless but we do not really know her and I do not think she has been unkind to her husband to his face. I think she does have a point in that her husband could have pulled his weight more and tried to be a bit more organized and ambitious career wise. If he wants her to respect him then he has to start pulling his weight at his job and at home. He cannot expect his wife to respect him if he is a limp rag.

 

Having said that I also think that the OP needs to do some soul searching as she does come across as a rather dry unemotional person. Everything cannot be measured in terms of money and material affluence. The human aspect of a relationship is also an inseparable part of being together. In the OP's case it seems her husband was a rebound love which fizzled out because it had no depth. At least that seems to be true from her end of the relationship. Others have suggested some good ideas and the OP would do well to heed them. Warm wishes.

[lucy_in_disguise]

In my experience, once you lose respect for someone, it is incredibly hard to get it back. Your husband is who he is and not likely to change. And I don't think you will be able to change how you feel about him. In this case I think you are delaying the inevitable by staying together. A divorce will allow you both to feel better about yourselves and save your kid from learning the same dynamics you were exposed to.

 

Do stay single for a while and get some counseling to make sure you don't repeat the same mistake.

[Trail Blazer]

I don't think ambitious, career-oriented women should marry men who don't make the same money or have the same earning potential as they do. It only causes problems down the track. Men who earn the dollars are usually happy for their wife to stay home once they have children. Women naturally are better suited than men for staying home, dealing with issues surrounding kids etc. I don't mean to sound sexist, in fact far from it because I'm actually being honest about the frailties of a man dealing with the traditional domain of a woman when the gender roles are reversed.

 

In fact, men almost always don't do their share around the house compared to women. The only saving grace is when a man puts in outside or compensates by building/repairing things. Unfortunately men think they've done most of what's required just by going to work 9-5 and then coming home. I speak from experience when I say I'm guilty of feeling like I've done my duties by just going to work and coming home. A man struggles to vary that mentality whether he's on a minimum wage or earning a 6 figure salary.

 

The problem with the OP, like many liberated women, is that now with the freedom to explore every working avenue like men, they haven't readjusted their own expectations of their spouse when they're the main breadwinner. All of a sudden they see the man as less of a man. To have a wife that earns more has this connotation of being emasculated somewhat. I speak from experience as my wife was the main breadwinner for a number of years and the dynamic simply didn't work.

 

Some aspects of taditional family values still have a relevance in today's society. I say this not as a conservative, because I'm actually very liberal, but through my own observations. Men can't get away with being a house husband like woman can be housewives. The stigma is always there. Women themselves will say they don't care, but in reality most women do care and having a man not keep up with her isn't a turn on. Men don't care nearly as much, as many men earning the money just want a trophy wife to hang off their arm to make them look better.

[Blanco]

Women like you are why the "take my wife... please!" jokes exist.

 

Just divorce him, since you don't particularly seem to like or respect him, let alone love him.

[lusting]

He is who he is. He's not going to get any better with counseling. He is disorganized. He can't be counted on. He has no ambition. The problem I see is he would likely get joint custody and then how incompetent would he be on his own to take care of your daughter for those days? Yet, you need him to have joint custody since you are the main breadwinner. You may even have to pay him some support. Unless you are someone who just cannot be alone, your life would probably take a turn for the better in quality if he had joint custody because he'd be forced to keep up with your child by the court for his period of time. Who knows, maybe he'd do better than expected one he knows you're not there to pick up the pieces. Maybe he would learn to get organized or lose his little girl. Meanwhile joint custody would give you some leisure time and some dating time as well. But do NOT date at all until a divorce is final.

 

If you are the kind of person who has to have someone aroundl then maybe divorce isn't for you. No guarantee you'll do better. But to me, being alone would be preferable. Good luck.

 

We've actually discussed what would happen if we split and we've already agreed on 50/50 custody and I would move out and leave him the house and the contents. I would continue to pay the mortgage on the house and get somewhere else of my own (probably rent). Earlier this year, I actually looked at houses for me.

 

I keep stalling as I'm just not sure. I want to know I've given it my best (yet I think I could try harder), but part of me isn't ready to make the decision. I'm very independent so being on my own doesn't faze me,.. actually excites me.

 

I need to sort my **** out.

[lusting]

I don't think ambitious, career-oriented women should marry men who don't make the same money or have the same earning potential as they do. It only causes problems down the track. Men who earn the dollars are usually happy for their wife to stay home once they have children. Women naturally are better suited than men for staying home, dealing with issues surrounding kids etc. I don't mean to sound sexist, in fact far from it because I'm actually being honest about the frailties of a man dealing with the traditional domain of a woman when the gender roles are reversed.

 

In fact, men almost always don't do their share around the house compared to women. The only saving grace is when a man puts in outside or compensates by building/repairing things. Unfortunately men think they've done most of what's required just by going to work 9-5 and then coming home. I speak from experience when I say I'm guilty of feeling like I've done my duties by just going to work and coming home. A man struggles to vary that mentality whether he's on a minimum wage or earning a 6 figure salary.

 

The problem with the OP, like many liberated women, is that now with the freedom to explore every working avenue like men, they haven't readjusted their own expectations of their spouse when they're the main breadwinner. All of a sudden they see the man as less of a man. To have a wife that earns more has this connotation of being emasculated somewhat. I speak from experience as my wife was the main breadwinner for a number of years and the dynamic simply didn't work.

 

Some aspects of taditional family values still have a relevance in today's society. I say this not as a conservative, because I'm actually very liberal, but through my own observations. Men can't get away with being a house husband like woman can be housewives. The stigma is always there. Women themselves will say they don't care, but in reality most women do care and having a man not keep up with her isn't a turn on. Men don't care nearly as much, as many men earning the money just want a trophy wife to hang off their arm to make them look better.

 

He has said himself that he feels emasculated sometimes and he can see we have role reversal in our household. When we met, he seemed very ambitious and even talked about wanting to move up and get a promotion etc. He received his first promotion at the start of this year but because of being so disorganized, they demoted him. I know that his him feeling really flat too but he's much happier in his role now. Although he's said now that he doesn't want to ever change or move up the ladder - this is where he is and this is where he'll stay. It has probably worked for us when my daughter was a baby as he was able to be a bit more hands on than I was, but now that she's getting older, it isn't as important and I think that's also causing friction between us. He used flexi time to take days off and sit watching tv or going out for coffee and I even resent that! If he was doing some jobs around the house then I'd be more pleased. Our weekends are family time so we don't really do household stuff then. I pay for a cleaner to come in 2 hours a week so at least the basics in the house are down (clean floors and bathroom, dusting etc).

 

I know i'm coming off as negative and heartless right now but I think that a lot of that is me feeling so flat about my marriage. I really didn't expect to be in this position only 4 years down the line.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lusting, have you changed your moniker from Undercoverirish to this new name? It is a bit confusing so maybe you could clarify, unless you are actually someone new. Then that would raise the question as to why you are answering on behalf of the original OP. ??

[Undercoverirish]

Hi Lusting, have you changed your moniker from Undercoverirish to this new name? It is a bit confusing so maybe you could clarify, unless you are actually someone new. Then that would raise the question as to why you are answering on behalf of the original OP. ??

 

No I haven't changed my username.

 

Ok so here goes.. I started a new account to post about something else as I didn't want it to cloud this particular topic. But I guess I messed that up pretty bad. I'm sorry for trying to deceive everyone.

 

The flaws with my marriage are highlighted somewhat by another certain someone that I work with (the EA I posted about previously).

 

I'm actually due to be away with him for a week in 2 weeks time and I'm really nervous about it.

 

I think that seeing him puts my marriage under the microscope even more.

[JuneL]

How competent are you exactly if you can't even keep track of your fake account?

 

No I haven't changed my username.

 

Ok so here goes.. I started a new account to post about something else as I didn't want it to cloud this particular topic. But I guess I messed that up pretty bad. I'm sorry for trying to deceive everyone.

 

The flaws with my marriage are highlighted somewhat by another certain someone that I work with (the EA I posted about previously).

 

I'm actually due to be away with him for a week in 2 weeks time and I'm really nervous about it.

 

I think that seeing him puts my marriage under the microscope even more.

[BluesPower]

No I haven't changed my username.

 

Ok so here goes.. I started a new account to post about something else as I didn't want it to cloud this particular topic. But I guess I messed that up pretty bad. I'm sorry for trying to deceive everyone.

 

The flaws with my marriage are highlighted somewhat by another certain someone that I work with (the EA I posted about previously).

 

I'm actually due to be away with him for a week in 2 weeks time and I'm really nervous about it.

 

I think that seeing him puts my marriage under the microscope even more.

 

So I guess... You may as well admit that your EA is going to become and PA as soon as you and OM can make it into the bed room alone in the hotel.

 

The person that you are deceiving is YOU.

 

You are so unhappy with your husband because you need some way to convince yourself that it is OK to screw your OM.

 

Why don't you just admit to yourself that this is the woman that you are.

 

A woman looking for justification to have a physical affair because you don't have the courage to divorce your husband.

 

Girl, you do have issues...

[Undercoverirish]

So I guess... You may as well admit that your EA is going to become and PA as soon as you and OM can make it into the bed room alone in the hotel.

 

The person that you are deceiving is YOU.

 

You are so unhappy with your husband because you need some way to convince yourself that it is OK to screw your OM.

 

Why don't you just admit to yourself that this is the woman that you are.

 

A woman looking for justification to have a physical affair because you don't have the courage to divorce your husband.

 

Girl, you do have issues...

 

I really don't want it to get physical. It's so awkward as it is at work and I can't make that any worse. I get so nervous when I'm due to see him... I wish it would all just go away to be honest. I don't want to be that woman - my husband definitely doesn't deserve that. I haven't cheated on anyone since I was 20 years old.

 

Me and the other guy don't have any contact at all outside of work but as soon as we're face to face (we don't work in the same office), he starts making eyes at me.

[Undercoverirish]

But I do have issues that I know I need to sort. I have known that for a while I think.

[elaine567]

We've actually discussed what would happen if we split and we've already agreed on 50/50 custody and I would move out and leave him the house and the contents. I would continue to pay the mortgage on the house and get somewhere else of my own (probably rent). Earlier this year, I actually looked at houses for me.

 

I am not sure you paying the mortgage on a house you do not live in and will very likely never really live in again is very sensible long term.

What about repairs, renovations and general upkeep? It could end up being a millstone round your neck. It may be all amicable now, but when he realises it is all finished he may not be so accommodating, do you really want to potentially fight over a house ad infinitum?

Your child is only three, would it not be better then to sell the house and each get your own place so that she can have a solid base for when she goes to school and makes real friends.

Go see a lawyer before you make promises you may not keep.

 

You have had the divorce thing hanging over your husband since at least June when you talked about it here and I am sure that is hell for him.

He doesn't know waking up whether he has a marriage or not, that is not fair on him.

You need to decide, all in or all out, this limbo will be torture for him.

[elaine567]

Me and the other guy don't have any contact at all outside of work but as soon as we're face to face (we don't work in the same office), he starts making eyes at me.

 

That is easy, shut him down, make no eye contact back and get on with your work.

You are not the first woman to be targetted by some would be office Lothario, so do not be easy meat for him.

Unhappily married women are bread and butter to married guys out on the prowl for some extra, respect yourself a bit more and tell him to F off.

[Undercoverirish]

I am not sure you paying the mortgage on a house you do not live in and will very likely never really live in again is very sensible long term.

What about repairs, renovations and general upkeep? It could end up being a millstone round your neck. It may be all amicable now, but when he realises it is all finished he may not be so accommodating, do you really want to potentially fight over a house ad infinitum?

Your child is only three, would it not be better then to sell the house and each get your own place so that she can have a solid base for when she goes to school and makes real friends.

Go see a lawyer before you make promises you may not keep.

 

You have had the divorce thing hanging over your husband since at least June when you talked about it here and I am sure that is hell for him.

He doesn't know waking up whether he has a marriage or not, that is not fair on him.

You need to decide, all in or all out, this limbo will be torture for him.

 

I actually discussed it with my husband first in February so it won't be long until it's a year. This might be a bit tmi but to me, our sex life is ok. I'm struggling with the lack of emotional connection we have, I think if I had that then our sex life would be much improved. My husband on the other hands has said how the sex for him is amazing and keeps on getting better. We had another chat about it yesterday and it's as if we're both in 2 different relationships. I don't want to hurt him by leaving but on the other hand, I felt yesterday like just talking about it was ripping his heart out and I was stamping all over it.

[Undercoverirish]

That is easy, shut him down, make no eye contact back and get on with your work.

You are not the first woman to be targetted by some would be office Lothario, so do not be easy meat for him.

Unhappily married women are bread and butter to married guys out on the prowl for some extra, respect yourself a bit more and tell him to F off.

 

Last time I seen him, I did just that. He hovered around for a bit but then after a day he gave up.

 

Then he's been back reading through an email chain we shared end of May, so I know that it's going to be the same again in 2 weeks when I see him... the eye contact, the hovering.

 

I do have feelings towards him but I wish I didn't. I know I can't help how I feel necessarily but I know I can control how I act. And I'm definitely acting more like I should have acted in the first place.

[Undercoverirish]

That is easy, shut him down, make no eye contact back and get on with your work.

You are not the first woman to be targetted by some would be office Lothario, so do not be easy meat for him.

Unhappily married women are bread and butter to married guys out on the prowl for some extra, respect yourself a bit more and tell him to F off.

 

I also know these aren't "real" feelings... they're only there because he has traits that I'm seeing are currently missing in my own husband.

 

I would also like to clarify that I had told my husband I had fallen out of love and wasn't happy before I even met this other guy. He's just a symptom of what's going on in my marriage.

[BaileyB]

No I haven't changed my username.

 

Ok so here goes.. I started a new account to post about something else as I didn't want it to cloud this particular topic. But I guess I messed that up pretty bad. I'm sorry for trying to deceive everyone.

 

The flaws with my marriage are highlighted somewhat by another certain someone that I work with (the EA I posted about previously).

 

I'm actually due to be away with him for a week in 2 weeks time and I'm really nervous about it.

 

I think that seeing him puts my marriage under the microscope even more.

 

This makes much more sense now... You are looking for a reason to leave your husband, so you can go and chase a married man. You will be leaving an (according to you) "bad" relationship to start another even more dysfunctional relationship.

 

Darling, you really do have issues. With all due respect, you don't have the right to make stupid and selfish decisions - you have a three year old daughter!

[road]

I actually discussed it with my husband first in February so it won't be long until it's a year. This might be a bit tmi but to me, our sex life is ok. I'm struggling with the lack of emotional connection we have, I think if I had that then our sex life would be much improved. My husband on the other hands has said how the sex for him is amazing and keeps on getting better. We had another chat about it yesterday and it's as if we're both in 2 different relationships. I don't want to hurt him by leaving but on the other hand, I felt yesterday like just talking about it was ripping his heart out and I was stamping all over it.

 

This disconnect is because of your on going EA to soon

be PA with your CW-OM.