I feel like my husband is incompetent

[Hecan]

No, the grass is NOT GREENER.

You don't respect him but you are not being respectable either.

I challenge you to close down any thoughts that ANYONE else would be better than your husband. Then find ONE thing that he does or is doing that you CAN respect him for, then build on that!

I'm sorry. I really do not like to " bash" those that come here for help but I can't see anything that makes you a good partner either yet you want to blame him for your unhappiness. So sad. Please take some responsibility !

[Trail Blazer]

Undercoverirish: If your husband has admitted that he feels emasculated, how does that make you feel? Surely an admission of that can't help your feelings towards him. Obviously you want a strong, driven and ambitious man. Obviously his "disorganization" you have mentioned gets conflated with a greater issue of lack of success.

 

I'm not convinced that any woman is happy for their husband to stay home and be a house husband in the same way that men would. I feel that many women would get suspicious that a man is taking advantage of her going to work, so he can sit home on his lazy ass and do nothing. The problem is you've got some very intelligent and capable women out there who can contribute to society greatly when they break the shackles of the old gender roles, spread their wings and fly.

 

But if a guy isn't as well equipped intellectually and/or endowed with many of the qualities required in life for success, then he's seen as a bum who's dragging his wife down, or a beta loser, or a hippy. Life isn't kind to plodders. I'm a middle of the road kind of guy - I'm a hard working tradesman who earns okay money, nothing fantastic. I'm a "great guy" but it wasn't enough in the end. I'm also "incompetent" because I don't live up to my wife standards and she's viewed me as holding her back. She hasn't divorced me because I'm a great dad and good person. She earned twice I did... in every way I too am emasculated.

 

When shoe is on the other foot... it doesn't bode well for men. Up until the '50s men were always the hunter gatherers. Before the '60s and even up to the '80s it was common and even expected that women would quit work once they got married. Society hasn't adjusted yet and neither have women's expectations on men. Women have this cognitive dissonance happening where their new found freedom and liberation is conflicting with evolutionary conditioning for desiring an alpha male. You can't have an alpha at home, but if you want your career as well, someone has to take a step back.

 

Your husband sounds like almost everything you need in order to achieve your goals. He enables you to go off to work and build your career while he still works no less, but has the work life balance sorted so he can look after your daughter. It sounds like he's doing everything he can to support the family dynamic. If he has a few flaws, so what? Maybe he has ADHD, that's treatable. What's important from here is identifying how you and him can work together, pool your strengths and be a functional team unit.

[Cephalopod]

OP I'm not going to lambast you.

 

 

You are cheating on your husband and you don't respect him. Please have the decency to end this marriage and set him free so he can find a woman he is compatible with and live a happy life. Stop holding him hostage, and stop holding yourself hostage to a marriage that is constricting you.

 

 

There is no "good" way to end it. Sometimes you just have to take the machete and whack the rope.

[camillalev]

Considering how gung-ho some on here on lambasting you, I'm not surprised to see that many are choosing to gloss over that you were previously in what sounds like an abusive relationship. People who have been victim to these sorts of situations are often vulnerable to being quickly romanced into another relationship. That's exactly what happened to you. You never sorted out your emotional issues from the abusive relationship and you didn't properly get to know your husband before marriage, which is now becoming apparent. Have you ever seen a therapist to work out your issues? Honestly, I think you need to talk to someone then seriously reassess whether it's best to stay in this marriage. An EA is a serious matter. but that aside it seems like you were 1. unhappy with your marriage to begin with and 2. never addressed your own internal issues.

 

I would wager that your affections for the OM isnt genuine - he's a reflection of your desire to leave.

 

Regardless I think you need to see a therapist and talk to someone. There's no way you're entirely mentally/emotionally healthy after being in an unhealthy relationship and not taken the time to unpack that.

Edited October 23, 2017 by camillalev

[BaileyB]

Considering how gung-ho some on here on lambasting you, I'm not surprised to see that many are choosing to gloss over that you were previously in what sounds like an abusive relationship. People who have been victim to these sorts of situations are often vulnerable to being quickly romanced into another relationship. That's exactly what happened to you. You never sorted out your emotional issues from the abusive relationship and you didn't properly get to know your husband before marriage, which is now becoming apparent. Have you ever seen a therapist to work out your issues? Honestly, I think you need to talk to someone then seriously reassess whether it's best to stay in this marriage. An EA is a serious matter. but that aside it seems like you were 1. unhappy with your marriage to begin with and 2. never addressed your own internal issues.

 

I would wager that your affections for the OM isnt genuine - he's a reflection of your desire to leave.

 

Regardless I think you need to see a therapist and talk to someone. There's no way you're entirely mentally/emotionally healthy after being in an unhealthy relationship and not taken the time to unpack that.

 

Agree. The solution remains the same - get yourself some individual counselling to work on your own issues, stop flirting with this other man, and decide (with the help of a counsellor) what you want for your future, and the future of your marriage...

[camillalev]

When we met, he seemed very ambitious and even talked about wanting to move up and get a promotion etc. He received his first promotion at the start of this year but because of being so disorganized, they demoted him. I know that his him feeling really flat too but he's much happier in his role now. Although he's said now that he doesn't want to ever change or move up the ladder - this is where he is and this is where he'll stay.

 

Your husband presented himself one way and turns out he's another - you likely wouldnt have married him had you known. You guys didnt take the time to properly get to know each other during your whirlwind romance and here you are.

 

I agree with another poster that said he might have ADHD. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be mid-level, not everyone wants to rise to the top and that's fine. But maybe he needs to talk to someone about that, as ADHD can have real repercussions on adult life.

[JuneL]

Although some of your criticisms against your husband are quite unfair, I do think you should end the marriage: once respect is almost completely lost, there is nothing left to salvage. Your husband should also have the dignity to walk instead of continuing with this pity marriage. It also boggles my mind how you could have mistaken your husband to be an ambitious guy career-wise: wouldn't such traits (or lack thereof) be painfully obvious?

 

 

OP I'm not going to lambast you.

 

 

You are cheating on your husband and you don't respect him. Please have the decency to end this marriage and set him free so he can find a woman he is compatible with and live a happy life. Stop holding him hostage, and stop holding yourself hostage to a marriage that is constricting you.

 

 

There is no "good" way to end it. Sometimes you just have to take the machete and whack the rope.

[JuneL]

but the problem is I guess she cannot rely on him without having to check up on him so she has always to take ultimate responsibility.

 

And where did you get that conclusion from?

[Els]

Considering how gung-ho some on here on lambasting you, I'm not surprised to see that many are choosing to gloss over that you were previously in what sounds like an abusive relationship. People who have been victim to these sorts of situations are often vulnerable to being quickly romanced into another relationship. That's exactly what happened to you. You never sorted out your emotional issues from the abusive relationship and you didn't properly get to know your husband before marriage, which is now becoming apparent. Have you ever seen a therapist to work out your issues? Honestly, I think you need to talk to someone then seriously reassess whether it's best to stay in this marriage. An EA is a serious matter. but that aside it seems like you were 1. unhappy with your marriage to begin with and 2. never addressed your own internal issues.

 

I would wager that your affections for the OM isnt genuine - he's a reflection of your desire to leave.

 

Regardless I think you need to see a therapist and talk to someone. There's no way you're entirely mentally/emotionally healthy after being in an unhealthy relationship and not taken the time to unpack that.

 

I don't see how any of our posts are mutually exclusive with this advice. Certainly seeing a therapist would be a good idea for the OP. However, I recall she said she was against going to therapy, in one of her posts, hence I didn't bother to bring that up again.

[Just a Guy]

Eva- What!!!??

[Undercoverirish]

Undercoverirish: If your husband has admitted that he feels emasculated, how does that make you feel? Surely an admission of that can't help your feelings towards him. Obviously you want a strong, driven and ambitious man. Obviously his "disorganization" you have mentioned gets conflated with a greater issue of lack of success.

 

I'm not convinced that any woman is happy for their husband to stay home and be a house husband in the same way that men would. I feel that many women would get suspicious that a man is taking advantage of her going to work, so he can sit home on his lazy ass and do nothing. The problem is you've got some very intelligent and capable women out there who can contribute to society greatly when they break the shackles of the old gender roles, spread their wings and fly.

 

But if a guy isn't as well equipped intellectually and/or endowed with many of the qualities required in life for success, then he's seen as a bum who's dragging his wife down, or a beta loser, or a hippy. Life isn't kind to plodders. I'm a middle of the road kind of guy - I'm a hard working tradesman who earns okay money, nothing fantastic. I'm a "great guy" but it wasn't enough in the end. I'm also "incompetent" because I don't live up to my wife standards and she's viewed me as holding her back. She hasn't divorced me because I'm a great dad and good person. She earned twice I did... in every way I too am emasculated.

 

When shoe is on the other foot... it doesn't bode well for men. Up until the '50s men were always the hunter gatherers. Before the '60s and even up to the '80s it was common and even expected that women would quit work once they got married. Society hasn't adjusted yet and neither have women's expectations on men. Women have this cognitive dissonance happening where their new found freedom and liberation is conflicting with evolutionary conditioning for desiring an alpha male. You can't have an alpha at home, but if you want your career as well, someone has to take a step back.

 

Your husband sounds like almost everything you need in order to achieve your goals. He enables you to go off to work and build your career while he still works no less, but has the work life balance sorted so he can look after your daughter. It sounds like he's doing everything he can to support the family dynamic. If he has a few flaws, so what? Maybe he has ADHD, that's treatable. What's important from here is identifying how you and him can work together, pool your strengths and be a functional team unit.

 

It's funny you mention hippys...! My husband I would say is a bit of a hipster (slightly different, I know). His life ambition is to be able to not work, live off the land and solar panels etc. So he can spend his free time how he likes. His ideal would be to spend the day on the beach collecting sea glass, going for the occasional coffee and reading his book. That sounds horrendous to me. I want to move to a bigger house in a nicer area (which he doesn't want to as he wants to be mortgage free so he doesn't have the ties), and I like nice holidays and nice things. I know that material possessions do not the woman make but that's my thing - I work hard because I like the money to buy these things.

 

However, my husband is quite happy to spend the money when it's there even though he professes to love a low key lifestyle.

 

We are definitely looking for different things in life and I feel even for us to move on up the housing chain for example, it would all be on me anyway. He isn't in a position to contribute more than he currently does and nor does he want to.

 

Again, not that important in the grand scheme of things but important to me... he's never been able to afford to buy me a birthday or Christmas present. He couldn't afford to buy me an engagement ring (I thought love would conquer al!), and when it came time to get married, he didn't have the money to put in towards the wedding rings. I don't know why I didn't see it then, I thought none of that mattered because we were in love. I think in hindsight, we were in list and I didn't know him enough to be in love.

 

We get on well together, he makes me laugh, but yet the chemistry we once shared seems to have been replaced with contempt (on my part anyway).

[Undercoverirish]

I don't know quite what to say. Your honesty and general feeling of guilt makes this whole thing seem like you are victimizing your husband. I don't really think that is the case. I mean I lived through a marriage like this as a husband so I know.

 

Here is the thing... your husband seems like a beta boy. That permanent doormat kind of guy.

 

I spent a number of years married to a woman that felt I was incompetent. I'm disorganized and forgetful. She made a lot more money than I did.

 

The first few years I really responded to this situation the same way your husband seems to. Western society teaches men to be submissive weenies at the best of times. I very slowly broke out of that thinking and began to take control of myself. I learned that the best way to handle her treating me like I'm incompetent was to begin treating her as incompetent. I manufactured fault in everything she did... we fought like cats and dogs. I eventually took financial control of our household because I managed it better. I got a new job that paid more than her.

 

In the end we divorced. It was the happiest day of my life. She is currently miserable with her new husband... because she is a miserable person. Make sure this isn't your fate.

 

I owe her a great debt. Yes, the whole relationship was painful, but the personal growth I achieved was worth it. Maybe divorcing your husband is what he really needs to become a better man.

 

 

Yes he is a "beta boy" as you put it. He's always been this way apparently, even as a child. You get to hear stories as you're welcomed into someone's family and he's such a gentle soul. I mentioned before how he has money problems... he's really bad with managing money and recently his gym membership had bounced for 3 months in a row and I have him the money to make the payment. That night he went to the gym but they wouldn't let him in as their system hadn't updated to show the payment - so he just said "ok" and walked away and came home with a sad face. I wanted to scream at him to stand up for himself and challenge the person on reception! He even said to me he wished I was there so I could have dealt with it for him.

Edited October 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Undercoverirish]

Hi Folks, I don't get it. The OP came here for advice and views about the current disarray in her marriage and her own views of her husband. While she has said some harsh things about him and it appears that she is insensitive to his feelings in reality I do not think that is true. She has, at many places said that her husband is a good man and recognizes that the way she is interacting with him is hurting him and she is feeling very guilty about it. Apparently she recognizes that he doesn't deserve the negative attitude that she displays toward him. I find her to be honest about everything maybe even excruciatingly so. It seems to me that she is a woman who is a bit ruthless and objective in the way she sees things and is probably impatient with people who do not pull their weight and do things right the first time. At the same time she recognizes that her husband has some very good qualities and she probably hates herself for hurting his feelings in the way she has. This is one of the reasons that she is not pulling the plug as yet on her marriage. For the folks on here who want to guilt her into conforming to what they feel is right may not be the correct way of helping her work out a solution. I think a more objective approach in suggesting ways and means to help her arrive at a solution would be more productive.

 

Southern sun, I think the OP has mentioned in one of her posts that she was already contemplating ending her marriage before she even met the OM. His presence may have acted as a catalyst in her desire to end things with her husband but the core decision was already forming in her mind. I think I endorse Lucy in Disguise's post as she has expressed the right sentiments there. I also think the OP does not need to be guilted into doing what others think is right and I am sure she wouldn't in any case as she seems very much her own person.

 

Undercoverirish, if I had to offer any perspective on your situation then I would say that , firstly, whatever feelings you seem to have for the OM are spurious and not to be trusted. Secondly, just for a moment imagine yourself to be married to a guy who, like you, is driven and ambitious and cannot bear fools or nincompoops. Both of you with your strong personalities would be clashing frequently over the smallest of things. There would also be a competition on to see who does better career wise and each of you would be stepping on the other's toes for every little preference that one has over the other's preference. Also as the lady in the relationship your husband would want you to play second fiddle to him because men of that kind of drive would not like to be equated or superseded by a woman especially his wife. I am not making a sexist statement but just stating a fact as it would transpire in actual fact. Now sit back and assess for yourself if that is the kind of husband or marriage that you would like to have? With your current husband you have it good. Sure you have to put up with some glitches in his performance of his duties both domestic and professional. But he has ceded his position as the so called head of the household to you and does not challenge you on it. He is completely devoted to you and more or less worships you. You get to call the shots in the home mostly and that dovetail;s with your personality. You just wouldn't get that with your high drive husband and would forever be gnashing your teeth in resentment at being made subservient to him. I have read of so many husbands who have taken on the role of house husband and who perform all those duties and functions that a traditional wife would perform in days gone by. In addition they do not bring any moolah home. The entire financial burden is on the wife. Such marriages seem quite successful if the two participants in it have reconciled to their roles amicably and by consensus.

 

All I can say is that being happy is a function of oneself. You search for happiness within and not externally. If you keep wanting the moon when all you can have is moonlight then you will never be happy and if by some wonderful chance the moon lands in your lap you'll find that you want something else and the moon does not satisfy you any longer. Life is short as they say and I guess we should learn to treasure what we have lest it be taken away from us and we are then left full of regrets for not having cherished the lost object while we still had it. Warm wishes.

 

Thank you for that, I think your picture of me is quite an accurate one. My husband would definitely say I'm ruthless and god help the person that doesn't follow my exact instructions correctly first time round. I wish I was a bit more forgiving. I wish I was a bit softer than I was. I'm also quite direct (without meaning to be), and I can really upset him sometimes with that as he's quite a gentle natured person. I do try and be softer with him but I tend to slip into my normal habit of just acting how I would at work for example.

 

I'm such a competitive person and I know that if I was with someone similar to me that we'd probably clash. Yet I wish my own husband was more competitive with me. But I also know that his support has enabled me to be able to go and build my career the way I have. And I hope to continue to do that.

 

Me and hubs had a chat last night about some stuff - he knows I'm still not completely happy. He also mentioned a conversation he had with a friend of his a few months back... apparently my husband has a specific type. The ultra confident, independent woman.

 

It led us onto talking about my type and as I listed the things off "ambition, career, etc" he seemed to this he had that attribute. I think it's also becoming apparent that he views himself in a different light to how I view him.

 

We also discussed how he feels that we're very close emotionally and the sex is getting better and better when I don't feel the same way. It really is like we're having 2 different relationships.

[Undercoverirish]

Undercoverirish: If your husband has admitted that he feels emasculated, how does that make you feel? Surely an admission of that can't help your feelings towards him. Obviously you want a strong, driven and ambitious man. Obviously his "disorganization" you have mentioned gets conflated with a greater issue of lack of success.

 

I'm not convinced that any woman is happy for their husband to stay home and be a house husband in the same way that men would. I feel that many women would get suspicious that a man is taking advantage of her going to work, so he can sit home on his lazy ass and do nothing. The problem is you've got some very intelligent and capable women out there who can contribute to society greatly when they break the shackles of the old gender roles, spread their wings and fly.

 

But if a guy isn't as well equipped intellectually and/or endowed with many of the qualities required in life for success, then he's seen as a bum who's dragging his wife down, or a beta loser, or a hippy. Life isn't kind to plodders. I'm a middle of the road kind of guy - I'm a hard working tradesman who earns okay money, nothing fantastic. I'm a "great guy" but it wasn't enough in the end. I'm also "incompetent" because I don't live up to my wife standards and she's viewed me as holding her back. She hasn't divorced me because I'm a great dad and good person. She earned twice I did... in every way I too am emasculated.

 

When shoe is on the other foot... it doesn't bode well for men. Up until the '50s men were always the hunter gatherers. Before the '60s and even up to the '80s it was common and even expected that women would quit work once they got married. Society hasn't adjusted yet and neither have women's expectations on men. Women have this cognitive dissonance happening where their new found freedom and liberation is conflicting with evolutionary conditioning for desiring an alpha male. You can't have an alpha at home, but if you want your career as well, someone has to take a step back.

 

Your husband sounds like almost everything you need in order to achieve your goals. He enables you to go off to work and build your career while he still works no less, but has the work life balance sorted so he can look after your daughter. It sounds like he's doing everything he can to support the family dynamic. If he has a few flaws, so what? Maybe he has ADHD, that's treatable. What's important from here is identifying how you and him can work together, pool your strengths and be a functional team unit.

 

Him saying he feels emasculated definitely doesn't help my feelings towards him. But it is what it is.

 

Don't get me wrong, we're a great team. Although I feel like I can't entrust him with important tasks, it does work well how I can work as much as I want or need and he is happy to pick up the slack at home with being there for our daughter.

 

But at the same time I think, she isn't going to be little forever... she turns 4 in January. She's already in kindergarten from 8am until 5:30pm every week day. So is that really reason enough to stay with a man that I'm not in love with?

 

I'm not sure he does have ADHD but I guess it's something we could look into together. He's currently suffering from anxiety right now so he's on medication for that and is seeing a counsellor.

[Undercoverirish]

OP I'm not going to lambast you.

 

 

You are cheating on your husband and you don't respect him. Please have the decency to end this marriage and set him free so he can find a woman he is compatible with and live a happy life. Stop holding him hostage, and stop holding yourself hostage to a marriage that is constricting you.

 

 

There is no "good" way to end it. Sometimes you just have to take the machete and whack the rope.

 

Everyone keeps saying I'm cheating and I'm not- but maybe the definition of cheating is different to what I think it is?

 

You are right though. If I'm going to end it, theres never going to be a good way.

[Undercoverirish]

Considering how gung-ho some on here on lambasting you, I'm not surprised to see that many are choosing to gloss over that you were previously in what sounds like an abusive relationship. People who have been victim to these sorts of situations are often vulnerable to being quickly romanced into another relationship. That's exactly what happened to you. You never sorted out your emotional issues from the abusive relationship and you didn't properly get to know your husband before marriage, which is now becoming apparent. Have you ever seen a therapist to work out your issues? Honestly, I think you need to talk to someone then seriously reassess whether it's best to stay in this marriage. An EA is a serious matter. but that aside it seems like you were 1. unhappy with your marriage to begin with and 2. never addressed your own internal issues.

 

I would wager that your affections for the OM isnt genuine - he's a reflection of your desire to leave.

 

Regardless I think you need to see a therapist and talk to someone. There's no way you're entirely mentally/emotionally healthy after being in an unhealthy relationship and not taken the time to unpack that.

 

It happened very quick. I had actually known my husband for a long time although rarely seen him (was mostly social media so I guess you could say o knew of him rather than knew him), and he had been interested in me from the start. But I never thought he was my type so I'd never agreed to a date in the past. When he seen me and my ex has split (my ex had it all plastered on social media), he got in touch and asked if I'd like to go for a drink. I said yes - thought it might be a good way to get back into the saddle. And he really swept me off my feet. I can remember when I took him to meet my mum, she said he wasn't my type.

 

I haven't seen a counsellor for my issues but I think I'd benefit from that. I don't think I'd be as open to couples therapy but I think it's because I don't feel invested in the marriage enough to do that. I think a lot of my issues are from my relationship with my mother and also some issues from my parents desperation and divorce when I was 17. It was very messy... again, probably must of the issues stem from my mum and how she reacted and dealt with that.

 

My mum is an awful person although she's mellowed now as she's got older. I would say she had the desire to lead the lifestyle I have but with no desire to work for it herself, she expected it all to be handed to her on a plate - she treated my dad like absolute crap and he was a doormat. I could never understand why he didn't leave sooner. I watched my mum mentally and physically abuse my dad. She had him in the kitchen floor one night and waaa kicking him... she beat him one night with the lid of the pressure cooker. And he never once lifted his hand to her, he just stood and took it.

 

I don't ever want to turn into the person she was, although I know I have traits of hers... of course I do. But I also have some traits of my dad too.

[Undercoverirish]

Agree. The solution remains the same - get yourself some individual counselling to work on your own issues, stop flirting with this other man, and decide (with the help of a counsellor) what you want for your future, and the future of your marriage...

 

There's no flirting going on with the OM anymore. But I agree, I should get some counselling.

[Undercoverirish]

I would wager that your affections for the OM isnt genuine - he's a reflection of your desire to leave.

 

I know that's true!! I know they're not "real" feelings. If I hadn't been unhappy at home, I probably wouldn't have looked twice.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Undercoverirish, I think you have a very good grasp of your situation. You are well aware of your own strengths and weaknesses and also those of your husband. Apparently there is no uncertainty as far as that goes. Having said that and knowing that you are chafing at the bit, I just do not understand how you are going on in a state of limbo and not moving on. The way you have described your divergent views on how you think the state of your marriage is and how you view your sex life shows that there is a basic incompatibility between you two. I just do not understand how and why your husband would like to be married to a high achiever whose personality is the complete opposite of his. As a man he seems to be lacking something basic as men are generally competitive and want to get ahead in life. The degree of this desire may vary but it is always present in a man to a greater or lesser degree. He seems to lack it completely. I can see how that makes him completely unattractive to you and I am surprised that he himself cannot see it but rather thinks that everything is tickety boo in your relationship. This is what leads me to believe that there is an incompatibility factor in your relationship and it is never going to be reconciled.

 

Having said this and taking into consideration that my previous suggestion about accepting your husband as a house husband is not on your agenda, I would say that you should initiate divorce proceedings at the soonest so that you can free yourself from the dragging down effect your husband is having on you. Explain to him that it is not working for you and you cannot keep extending the time period when you are going to file. Try and do the whole thing as amicably as possible and without hurting him too much. They say charity begins at home so then be charitable to yourself before you become like Atlas carrying the world on your shoulders. Always remain cordial with him but not friendly. Hope some of this helps. Warm wishes.

[Cephalopod]

 

Don't get me wrong, we're a great team. .

 

 

 

No you're not. You just spent pages telling all of us what a loser he is and how incompatible the two of you are.

 

 

Pick a theme and stay with it.

[Cephalopod]

It happened very quick. I had actually known my husband for a long time although rarely seen him (was mostly social media so I guess you could say o knew of him rather than knew him), and he had been interested in me from the start. But I never thought he was my type so I'd never agreed to a date in the past. When he seen me and my ex has split (my ex had it all plastered on social media), he got in touch and asked if I'd like to go for a drink. I said yes - thought it might be a good way to get back into the saddle. And he really swept me off my feet. I can remember when I took him to meet my mum, she said he wasn't my type.

 

I haven't seen a counsellor for my issues but I think I'd benefit from that. I don't think I'd be as open to couples therapy but I think it's because I don't feel invested in the marriage enough to do that. I think a lot of my issues are from my relationship with my mother and also some issues from my parents desperation and divorce when I was 17. It was very messy... again, probably must of the issues stem from my mum and how she reacted and dealt with that.

 

My mum is an awful person although she's mellowed now as she's got older. I would say she had the desire to lead the lifestyle I have but with no desire to work for it herself, she expected it all to be handed to her on a plate - she treated my dad like absolute crap and he was a doormat. I could never understand why he didn't leave sooner. I watched my mum mentally and physically abuse my dad. She had him in the kitchen floor one night and waaa kicking him... she beat him one night with the lid of the pressure cooker. And he never once lifted his hand to her, he just stood and took it.

 

I don't ever want to turn into the person she was, although I know I have traits of hers... of course I do. But I also have some traits of my dad too.

 

 

 

Can I ask...do you NEED to be married? It sounds to me like you enjoy the companionship but that is about it.

 

 

Marriage is not for everyone and maybe it has taken you all these years to come to the conclusion that marriage is not for you. Why can't you live single, live up to the status you want, and just have boyfriends on the side for sex and companionship? Many women do this.

[knabe]

She's already in kindergarten from 8am until 5:30pm every week day.

 

This, along with your comment about how you like that you can work however much you want and he can "deal with" your daughter makes me really sad for your child. Was getting pregnant planned because it really sounds like you view her as a distraction and bother.

[BettyDraper]

You cannot be a "great team" with someone you don't respect.

It sounds like your husband married a woman who was unlike himself in order to complement his own flaws. This is far more common than you think.

 

I think you would be much happier with a man who fulfilled more traditionally masculine roles in your relationship. Just remember that Alpha males can come with their own issues.

 

Sharing a sense of humor is not enough to sustain a marriage in the long term. Men need respect in order to feel loved and it doesn't sound like you can offer that to your husband.

[Els]

Him saying he feels emasculated definitely doesn't help my feelings towards him. But it is what it is.

 

Don't get me wrong, we're a great team. Although I feel like I can't entrust him with important tasks, it does work well how I can work as much as I want or need and he is happy to pick up the slack at home with being there for our daughter.

 

But at the same time I think, she isn't going to be little forever... she turns 4 in January. She's already in kindergarten from 8am until 5:30pm every week day. So is that really reason enough to stay with a man that I'm not in love with?

 

I'm not sure he does have ADHD but I guess it's something we could look into together. He's currently suffering from anxiety right now so he's on medication for that and is seeing a counsellor.

 

There is so much contradiction here. You say you can't entrust him with "important tasks", yet clearly you entrust him with taking care of your daughter. Is packing lunch for holidays more important than that in your opinion?

 

Do you think you would be where you are now in your career if he hadn't picked up your slack in the childcare department?

[Undercoverirish]

Can I ask...do you NEED to be married? It sounds to me like you enjoy the companionship but that is about it.

 

 

Marriage is not for everyone and maybe it has taken you all these years to come to the conclusion that marriage is not for you. Why can't you live single, live up to the status you want, and just have boyfriends on the side for sex and companionship? Many women do this.

 

No I really don't need to be married. And I think I realise that maybe it wasn't for me. I don't think I'd remarry in the future.