I feel like my husband is incompetent

[Undercoverirish]

This, along with your comment about how you like that you can work however much you want and he can "deal with" your daughter makes me really sad for your child. Was getting pregnant planned because it really sounds like you view her as a distraction and bother.

 

I really struggled with the shock of motherhood. She wasn't planned although I did think I wanted to have a family with him. I had very bad postnatal depression after having her and I think that along with the financial struggles have really taken a toll on our relationship. I cope a lot better now with my little girl and we're quite close (she didn't want to come to me when she was a baby). Now she says we're best friends and she always comes and gives me hugs and kisses etc. We do quite a lot together and mummy and daughter and I really like that. But I love having my career too.

 

Hubs has been snipped as I decided very quickly that I couldn't face it again, having another child. The thoughts of going through post natal depression again and the financial pressure is awful.

[Undercoverirish]

You cannot be a "great team" with someone you don't respect.

It sounds like your husband married a woman who was unlike himself in order to complement his own flaws. This is far more common than you think.

 

I think you would be much happier with a man who fulfilled more traditionally masculine roles in your relationship. Just remember that Alpha males can come with their own issues.

 

Sharing a sense of humor is not enough to sustain a marriage in the long term. Men need respect in order to feel loved and it doesn't sound like you can offer that to your husband.

 

I really wish I could offer it to him but I can't seem to draw it up from within. I can't even pinpoint when it happened, when I fell out of love ?

[Undercoverirish]

There is so much contradiction here. You say you can't entrust him with "important tasks", yet clearly you entrust him with taking care of your daughter. Is packing lunch for holidays more important than that in your opinion?

 

Do you think you would be where you are now in your career if he hadn't picked up your slack in the childcare department?

 

He's a good dad. She doesn't come to any harm with him - he'll send her to school in odd socks, and he'll forget to send her lunch and Ballet uniform, But he loves her and won't let any harm come to her.

 

If it wasn't for him picking up the slack withchidlcare, I think I'd either have had to move back home to be closer to my family network, or I'd have had to invest in more childcare. So yes, I do think I would be. I'd have found a way to make it work as that's what I do when I have things I want to achieve.

[Undercoverirish]

Hi Undercoverirish, I think you have a very good grasp of your situation. You are well aware of your own strengths and weaknesses and also those of your husband. Apparently there is no uncertainty as far as that goes. Having said that and knowing that you are chafing at the bit, I just do not understand how you are going on in a state of limbo and not moving on. The way you have described your divergent views on how you think the state of your marriage is and how you view your sex life shows that there is a basic incompatibility between you two. I just do not understand how and why your husband would like to be married to a high achiever whose personality is the complete opposite of his. As a man he seems to be lacking something basic as men are generally competitive and want to get ahead in life. The degree of this desire may vary but it is always present in a man to a greater or lesser degree. He seems to lack it completely. I can see how that makes him completely unattractive to you and I am surprised that he himself cannot see it but rather thinks that everything is tickety boo in your relationship. This is what leads me to believe that there is an incompatibility factor in your relationship and it is never going to be reconciled.

 

Having said this and taking into consideration that my previous suggestion about accepting your husband as a house husband is not on your agenda, I would say that you should initiate divorce proceedings at the soonest so that you can free yourself from the dragging down effect your husband is having on you. Explain to him that it is not working for you and you cannot keep extending the time period when you are going to file. Try and do the whole thing as amicably as possible and without hurting him too much. They say charity begins at home so then be charitable to yourself before you become like Atlas carrying the world on your shoulders. Always remain cordial with him but not friendly. Hope some of this helps. Warm wishes.

 

Part of me still is hoping for something to change or for my feeling for him to return, that's why I'm so hesitant. It's such a final decision to decide to move on and I'm just not sure I can do that to him just yet. But I also feel that part of me sees it's inevitable.

 

He would bend over backwards to make me happy... he is very subservient and that even irritates me now. I wish he would argue or say no sometimes!! We never ever argue. My little girl did something naughty the other day and he was so apologetic to me - I asked him what exactly it was he was apologising for? He just didn't want her to upset me as it was the first day of the holiday. I've asked him before if he's scared of me or anything but he said he isn't, but that he does find me to be a bit cutting at times.

 

Thank you for your advice, I know I'm going to have to make a decision soon.

[BettyDraper]

There is so much contradiction here. You say you can't entrust him with "important tasks", yet clearly you entrust him with taking care of your daughter. Is packing lunch for holidays more important than that in your opinion?

 

Do you think you would be where you are now in your career if he hadn't picked up your slack in the childcare department?

 

This is a very good point.

[hestheone66]

You could overtly change the relationship bdybamic by choosing to have a female led relationship. (Google it)

 

Your husband already admitted his preference for strong women. He may indeed have a fetish for being treated poorly.

 

Once you understand the dynamic I think it could be very empowering for both of you.

[Trail Blazer]

You cannot be a "great team" with someone you don't respect.

It sounds like your husband married a woman who was unlike himself in order to complement his own flaws. This is far more common than you think.

 

I think you would be much happier with a man who fulfilled more traditionally masculine roles in your relationship. Just remember that Alpha males can come with their own issues.

 

Sharing a sense of humor is not enough to sustain a marriage in the long term. Men need respect in order to feel loved and it doesn't sound like you can offer that to your husband.

 

There is a lot about this relationship dynamic which is similar to my own. I feel I'm more masculine than the OP's husband though. But I don't have the raw earning potential that my wife does and I don't wish for a materialistic life to fill a void. In being that, it's meant that I look mediocre beside my wife and can't keep up. Of course I'd be happy to earn a lot more money, but I'm doing the work that I'm destined to do. Within reason I won't earn a lot more than I do now and I guess that translates to being unambitious.

[Trail Blazer]

Him saying he feels emasculated definitely doesn't help my feelings towards him. But it is what it is.

 

Don't get me wrong, we're a great team. Although I feel like I can't entrust him with important tasks, it does work well how I can work as much as I want or need and he is happy to pick up the slack at home with being there for our daughter.

 

But at the same time I think, she isn't going to be little forever... she turns 4 in January. She's already in kindergarten from 8am until 5:30pm every week day. So is that really reason enough to stay with a man that I'm not in love with?

 

I'm not sure he does have ADHD but I guess it's something we could look into together. He's currently suffering from anxiety right now so he's on medication for that and is seeing a counsellor.

 

I've never told my wife I feel emasculated because I too am worried that it will only further cement that feeling she has. I don't feel that way to a large degree as I do a lot of guy things, I'm a tradesman who loves cars, sports fixing stuff etc but it still would give off an impression I don't want and wuite frankly don't completely feel necessarily.

 

Surely the comment about being a good team wasn't said with a straight face? Everything about your relationship dynamic screams "anything but a good team". A good team is 2 people on the same page, having an innate understanding of how to back up each other and having mutual respect for one another. Whether justified or not, you have no faith in him. Hell, you think he's incompetent and that's why we are all here in your thread.

 

Ultimately if you are miserable in your marriage then nothing else matters. If you come to the realization that he's not the man you want to be with forever because of issues that can't be changed, you have to tell him that and move on. Be kind on him by being honest and having the courage to do what is required. Let him find the woman that's suited to his temperament and perhaps you both will be happier people.

[S2B]

Things do go deeper than him being forgetful, I think I just felt so frustrated yesterday that it had really impacted me.

 

I'm incredibly resentful that I earn so much more than he does - my salary after tax is 3 times his. Anything nice that we do, we do it on my wages. He isn't interested in earning more and climbing the corporate ladder and I dislike that.

 

I don't think I realised how much like my mum I was until recently. And I hate that, I always said I'd never be like her but although I'm different with my daughter than she was with me, im not treating my husband any different than she did my dad. I couldn't see any evidence of my mum loving my dad, I think she loved the life she had with him (she worked part time and he was the bread winner). After seeing my mum struggle after the divorce, I swore I'd never rely on a man. Hence time being so independent. The cost of that is that I could easily get up and leave a relationship to be by myself and not give it a moments thought.

 

The EA is definitely over and I'm not blaming my husband on that. I know that it was filling in gaps that were missing in me and says more about me than it does about him. I haven't cheated on someone since I was 20 years old - definitely not a serial cheater!!

 

I haven't gone for counselling but maybe I should. I am probably a complete mess, I put a lot of it down to my parents messy separation and divorce when I was 17. Everyone was so worried about my 7 year old brother at the time as they thought I was old enough to understand, but I think it affected me much more than it affected him!

 

Someone mentioned that I married my dad... this is true. I did marry my dad! Even my brother has said how they're two peas in a pod. They get on so well together, they have shared interests, they're so similar it's scary.

 

I wish I was able to be happy with my husband. But my fantasies tend to revolve around being by myself with my own place and actually not having a man in my life.

 

It's more than that. You don't respect your husband.

 

Why did you have a child with him when you knew his deficiencies?

 

I'd like to know that.

 

 

Get help for yourself. You need to u sweat and more about yourself than simply blaming your husband - after all, you knew he was this way yet you chose to marry him.

 

Your decisions shape your life! If you don't respect him thendivorce him - he deserves to have a partner that respects him (that a key component to living anyone). That way he has a chance that someone else might love and trust and respect him.

[S2B]

Part of me still is hoping for something to change or for my feeling for him to return, that's why I'm so hesitant. It's such a final decision to decide to move on and I'm just not sure I can do that to him just yet. But I also feel that part of me sees it's inevitable.

 

He would bend over backwards to make me happy... he is very subservient and that even irritates me now. I wish he would argue or say no sometimes!! We never ever argue. My little girl did something naughty the other day and he was so apologetic to me - I asked him what exactly it was he was apologising for? He just didn't want her to upset me as it was the first day of the holiday. I've asked him before if he's scared of me or anything but he said he isn't, but that he does find me to be a bit cutting at times.

 

Thank you for your advice, I know I'm going to have to make a decision soon.

 

It's likely you are u happy with him now, more than ever, because of your feelings during your affair.

 

It changes everything. Does your H know about those feelings you had in your OM?

[camillalev]

Why did you have a child with him when you knew his deficiencies?

 

- after all, you knew he was this way yet you chose to marry him.

 

No she didn't. A lot of people keep insisting that "you knew this about him" but she's said multiple times that her and her husband didnt properly get to know each other:

 

I was actually in a relationship that wasn't very healthy, directly before I met my husband. He was quite aggressive and although he never hit me, he reached the house a few times and I was scared of him. I met hubs within 2 weeks of that relationship ending and he moved in with me pretty much immediately. Within 18 months, we were married and I was 5 months pregnant on our wedding day.

 

We didn't really have enough time together to get to know each other properly in hindsight. And it was only after around 2 years that the money issues he had came to the surface (he's now in a debt management plan).

 

When we met, he seemed very ambitious and even talked about wanting to move up and get a promotion etc. He received his first promotion at the start of this year but because of being so disorganized, they demoted him.

 

Why are people acting so shocked that you can learn about another side of someone after marriage. I've seen countless threads of partners experiencing this on here. He hid who he was and tried to act like something he wasnt. He hid his debt problems until two years in and after marriage and pregnancy.

 

I don't see how any of our posts are mutually exclusive with this advice. Certainly seeing a therapist would be a good idea for the OP. However, I recall she said she was against going to therapy, in one of her posts, hence I didn't bother to bring that up again.

 

From what I've seen she's said it's probably a good idea to see a therapist for her own issues. She has said however that she's against couples therapy.

 

 

It's funny you mention hippys...! My husband I would say is a bit of a hipster (slightly different, I know). His life ambition is to be able to not work, live off the land and solar panels etc. So he can spend his free time how he likes. His ideal would be to spend the day on the beach collecting sea glass, going for the occasional coffee and reading his book. That sounds horrendous to me. I want to move to a bigger house in a nicer area (which he doesn't want to as he wants to be mortgage free so he doesn't have the ties), and I like nice holidays and nice things. I know that material possessions do not the woman make but that's my thing - I work hard because I like the money to buy these things.

 

OP, you guys are incompatible. These differences in values end up being deal breakers and will make your relationship much worse over time.

 

People are saying you're having an affair because you had an EA. You had/have an infatuation with another person. While everyone is human and will develop an attraction or light crush on someone now and again, this level of infatuation isnt healthy while you're in a relationship or marriage. Even if it's currently one-sided.

 

Please start looking for a therapist. You seem quite aware of your issues, where you and your husband are incompatible, and even that you guys will probably not work out in the end. You need to sort out your own issues.

 

Some issues in marriages can get better with time, work, and patience. Unfortunetly these types of problems rarely do.

Edited October 25, 2017 by camillalev

[S2B]

I disagree, she lived with him for 18 months before marriage - surely some of these traits would have been obvious.

[DKT3]

No she didn't. A lot of people keep insisting that "you knew this about him" but she's said multiple times that her and her husband didnt properly get to know each other:

 

 

 

 

 

Why are people acting so shocked that you can learn about another side of someone after marriage. I've seen countless threads of partners experiencing this on here. He hid who he was and tried to act like something he wasnt. He hid his debt problems until two years in and after marriage and pregnancy.

 

 

 

From what I've seen she's said it's probably a good idea to see a therapist for her own issues. She has said however that she's against couples therapy.

 

 

 

 

OP, you guys are incompatible. These differences in values end up being deal breakers and will make your relationship much worse over time.

 

People are saying you're having an affair because you had an EA. You had/have an infatuation with another person. While everyone is human and will develop an attraction or light crush on someone now and again, this level of infatuation isnt healthy while you're in a relationship or marriage. Even if it's currently one-sided.

 

Please start looking for a therapist. You seem quite aware of your issues, where you and your husband are incompatible, and even that you guys will probably not work out in the end. You need to sort out your own issues.

 

Some issues in marriages can get better with time, work, and patience. Unfortunetly these types of problems rarely do.

 

She also said her affair was over...just saying

[camillalev]

She also said her affair was over...just saying

 

Hmm.. I thought I saw a post where she said she couldnt get him out of her head and that she still sees him at the office but tries to keep her distance.

[camillalev]

I disagree, she lived with him for 18 months before marriage - surely some of these traits would have been obvious.

 

She didnt get pregnant and married at 18 months, she was already married and 5 months pregnant within an 18 month period. In a year and a half they moved in together, got married, and had kids. That is moving very fast and it's not allowing time to properly get to know someone. They basically conceived a child around the one year mark.

 

Just because you live with someone doesnt mean all issues surface. Like I said countless people have experienced their partners changing once they're married or with kids. He was obviously able to hide from her the fact that he was in debt for almost two years.

 

Again, people glossing over the fact that she was previously in what sounds like an abusive relationship and met her husband within two weeks of that ending then basically moving in together. That is not healthy at all. On top of that getting married and having kids within a year and a half of all that.

 

OP needs to talk to therapist.

Edited October 25, 2017 by camillalev

[S2B]

Her words:

 

I met hubs within 2 weeks of that relationship ending and he moved in with me pretty much immediately. Within 18 months, we were married and I was 5 months pregnant on our wedding day.

 

 

 

 

 

She lived with him for 18 months before they got married.

 

Living in the same space as another person for a year and a half will tell you enough to know if these usual habits he has would concern her.

 

 

She can't play stupid on all those habits. She must have noticed.

Edited October 25, 2017 by S2B

[camillalev]

Her words:

 

I met hubs within 2 weeks of that relationship ending and he moved in with me pretty much immediately. Within 18 months, we were married and I was 5 months pregnant on our wedding day.

 

 

 

 

 

She lived with him for 18 months before they got married.

 

Living in the same space as another person for a year and a half will tell you enough to know if these usual habits he has would concern her.

 

 

She can't play stupid on all those habits. She must have noticed.

 

That's the exact quote of hers I used in my post. They met, moved in, got married, and had kids within a year and a half. Which is what I said.

 

Conveniently cutting out the part where she describes her unhealthy relationship where she was fearful of her partner physically striking her.

 

Anyone who leaves an abusive relationship and immediately moves in with a stranger to start a new relationship isn't usually in the best or healthiest state of mind.

 

I guess you've never heard of people changing on their partners once they're married/pregnant/have kids? It happens and it's not an anomaly. I dont know why you refuse to admit that. He was also able to hid his debt from her until two years in.

[DKT3]

Hmm.. I thought I saw a post where she said she couldnt get him out of her head and that she still sees him at the office but tries to keep her distance.

 

Well you don't seem to be caught up... OP was using two user names, one claiming that her affair was over and another taking about not being able to get it out of her head. She has been deceptive from the start.

[S2B]

That's the exact quote of hers I used in my post. They met, moved in, got married, and had kids within a year and a half. Which is what I said.

 

Conveniently cutting out the part where she describes her unhealthy relationship where she was fearful of her partner physically striking her.

 

Anyone who leaves an abusive relationship and immediately moves in with a stranger to start a new relationship isn't usually in the best or healthiest state of mind.

 

I guess you've never heard of people changing on their partners once they're married/pregnant/have kids? It happens and it's not an anomaly. I dont know why you refuse to admit that. He was also able to hid his debt from her until two years in.

 

Do you know her personally? You seem to be defending her a lot!

 

I do know that when you are intimate with someone for 1-1/2 years - you normally pay attention enough to know full well they are disorganized and absent minded.

 

 

The OP is critical of someone she said she loved. She must have seen the red flags - that's all I was pointing out.

 

Those red flags seem magnified now that she had her affair.

 

If she plans to keep criticizing her husband - she should divorce him. Criticizing him won't fix him - but he will feel abused by her.

[Just a Guy]

Hi S2B, ask Blues about this anomaly. He lived with his wife for 26 years, 20 of which she was a drug addict and he did not know a thing. To add insult to injury he realized that she had never loved him from day one and had had two affairs to boot in that while, which is when he decided to pull the plug. 26 years of his life wasted for nothing. I guess that is why he is so bitter about infidelity. People can be blinded by the one they ostensibly love and she was probably starved for affection when her current husband swept her off her feet. It probably took her a while to come down to mother Earth. Just saying. Warm wishes.

[Undercoverirish]

There is a lot about this relationship dynamic which is similar to my own. I feel I'm more masculine than the OP's husband though. But I don't have the raw earning potential that my wife does and I don't wish for a materialistic life to fill a void. In being that, it's meant that I look mediocre beside my wife and can't keep up. Of course I'd be happy to earn a lot more money, but I'm doing the work that I'm destined to do. Within reason I won't earn a lot more than I do now and I guess that translates to being unambitious.

 

@trailblazer how do you genuinely feel about it and how does your wife feel? Do you think things will work out for you or is something you've never questioned?

[Undercoverirish]

It's more than that. You don't respect your husband.

 

Why did you have a child with him when you knew his deficiencies?

 

I'd like to know that.

 

 

Get help for yourself. You need to u sweat and more about yourself than simply blaming your husband - after all, you knew he was this way yet you chose to marry him.

 

Your decisions shape your life! If you don't respect him thendivorce him - he deserves to have a partner that respects him (that a key component to living anyone). That way he has a chance that someone else might love and trust and respect him.

 

Our daughter wasn't planned and we fell pregnant after being together for less than a year. We hadn't really had the chance to get to know each other in hindsight and then once the baby arrived, times have been so fraught.

[Undercoverirish]

It's likely you are u happy with him now, more than ever, because of your feelings during your affair.

 

It changes everything. Does your H know about those feelings you had in your OM?

 

Yes I agree. It amplifies any feelings of unhappiness. Yet I can't seem to switch those off either even though nothing is happening with the OM. It's so frustrating.

 

Yes he does know - well to a certain extent. He knows I had feelings for someone I worked with and I said nothing would happen and through his own choice, he decided not to delve into it and he's never brought it up again. I was hoping he maybe would have questioned it more so we could have talked about it. I didn't make it clear to him the extent of my feelings.

 

What makes it worse is that my husband does think I'll leave him for someone else, someone more on my level. This is one of his fears. He said he envisaged me having an affair with someone I meet through work... he's tall and has his own hair (another sore pointfor him as he's bald), and he's ambitious and earns similar money to me.

 

The sad thing is that the OM (although nothing happened), ticks those boxes, makes me feel even more guilty about how I feel and what I'm doing to my husband. My husband has said on a couple of occasions that he doesn't think he's enough for me.

[Undercoverirish]

Hmm.. I thought I saw a post where she said she couldnt get him out of her head and that she still sees him at the office but tries to keep her distance.

 

We're all home based so I don't see him, very rarely (only when we're at conferences etc). I seen him at the start of August for 2 days and I will be seeing him again in 13 days time for just short of a week, at our HQ. He lives 4 hours away from me so it's not as if we even have the potential to bump into each other either - just not possible.

 

I can't get him out of my head, I wish I could. But there's nothing that's feeding it.

[Undercoverirish]

Well you don't seem to be caught up... OP was using two user names, one claiming that her affair was over and another taking about not being able to get it out of her head. She has been deceptive from the start.

 

There is no affair - it's all in my head. I don't have any contact with the OM outside of work and rarely see him for work. There hasn't been an affair, I have an unhealthy obsession about someone other than my husband.