I feel like my husband is incompetent

[Undercoverirish]

Do you know her personally? You seem to be defending her a lot!

 

I do know that when you are intimate with someone for 1-1/2 years - you normally pay attention enough to know full well they are disorganized and absent minded.

 

 

The OP is critical of someone she said she loved. She must have seen the red flags - that's all I was pointing out.

 

Those red flags seem magnified now that she had her affair.

 

If she plans to keep criticizing her husband - she should divorce him. Criticizing him won't fix him - but he will feel abused by her.

 

When we were first seeing each other, he was the nicest guy I've ever known. I told people that I'd met my future husband. It felt like a fairytale. The fairytale soon wore off when real life set in.

 

I wasn't happy with my husband before I even knew the OK existed. I told my husband at the start of this year that I thought our marriage was over. He didn't take it seriously. I didn't meet the other man until middle of April.

[BaileyB]

When we were first seeing each other, he was the nicest guy I've ever known. I told people that I'd met my future husband. It felt like a fairytale. The fairytale soon wore off when real life set in.

 

I wasn't happy with my husband before I even knew the OK existed. I told my husband at the start of this year that I thought our marriage was over. He didn't take it seriously. I didn't meet the other man until middle of April.

 

This is normal. It's the end of the romantic love phase, it lasts about 18 months to 2 years. That's why it is encouraged to date for a good length of time before making the decision to move in together, marry, or have a child. you then see the real person, without the rose colored glasses. At this point, you have a more realistic view of the person and the kind of partnership you share. Then, you decide if you are compatable and your relationship can go the distance. You didn't give it time.

[Cephalopod]

When we were first seeing each other, he was the nicest guy I've ever known. I told people that I'd met my future husband. It felt like a fairytale. The fairytale soon wore off when real life set in.

 

I wasn't happy with my husband before I even knew the OK existed. I told my husband at the start of this year that I thought our marriage was over. He didn't take it seriously. I didn't meet the other man until middle of April.

 

 

 

Driven, ambitious, type-A people like yourself have no business in relationships with normal, average, good-natured unambitious folk...like your husband.

 

 

I work in an industry full of geniuses...literally. They are all wicked smart, ultra-competitive with each other, and they steamroll and stab each each other in the backs constantly. I spend more time maneuvering through the melee of these narcissistic jerks than I do concentrating on my own tasks.

 

 

Your husband is never going to be your equal, because you cannot be an equal with a different species. You are a lion and he is a zebra. He wants to live a simple, unencumbered life. You want encumbrances and materials. There is nothing wrong with either lifestyle, but they are incompatible.

[Undercoverirish]

Hi S2B, ask Blues about this anomaly. He lived with his wife for 26 years, 20 of which she was a drug addict and he did not know a thing. To add insult to injury he realized that she had never loved him from day one and had had two affairs to boot in that while, which is when he decided to pull the plug. 26 years of his life wasted for nothing. I guess that is why he is so bitter about infidelity. People can be blinded by the one they ostensibly love and she was probably starved for affection when her current husband swept her off her feet. It probably took her a while to come down to mother Earth. Just saying. Warm wishes.

 

I responded to someone else saying something similar. My hubs was amazing in comparison to my ex and I really did feel swept off my feet. I was also having great sex for the first time in years and I think I got very caught up in the sexual tension and chemistry we had there. Because we didn't have very long together before things got tough, maybe that has had an affect... but maybe the feelings I had would have work off anyway. I don't know for certain as that time has already passed.

[Undercoverirish]

Driven, ambitious, type-A people like yourself have no business in relationships with normal, average, good-natured unambitious folk...like your husband.

 

 

I work in an industry full of geniuses...literally. They are all wicked smart, ultra-competitive with each other, and they steamroll and stab each each other in the backs constantly. I spend more time maneuvering through the melee of these narcissistic jerks than I do concentrating on my own tasks.

 

 

Your husband is never going to be your equal, because you cannot be an equal with a different species. You are a lion and he is a zebra. He wants to live a simple, unencumbered life. You want encumbrances and materials. There is nothing wrong with either lifestyle, but they are incompatible.

 

I wish I was a genius... I'd dare say I'm incompatible with the people you wrk with.

 

My husband does joke about me being narcissistic. It's more of a passive agreessive thing with him as he clearly sees traits in me that makes him put me in a narcisstic box. I'm not full blown but even I can see I have those tendencies.

 

I do worry what life would be like with someone that was as ambitious as me, and if I could handle that as that's really the unknown. But maybe as another poster said, I shouldn't be married. Maybe married life isn't for me. I liked the idea of it but the practicalities with my hubs definitely haven't made me feel that I should be married. I really liked the idea of a nice stable family life, a husband to come home to etc but mostly now I just wish I was coming home to either an empty house or just to me and my daughter.

 

I tend to go through life going from relationship to relationship and I think it would do me good to actually spend some time as a single and figure out some stuff before jumping into another relationship. Especially a relationship with a married man that lives 4 hours away!!! I know that would never work, even if he was single and available.

 

My husband gives me a lot of freedom to do what I want and doesn't challenge me, on anything. I wish he did challenge me on more. I could say to him I'm off to Mexico for a fortnight and he'd say "ok no problem". That frustrates me a bit. I wouldn't say he has low self esteem (I didn't think so anyway but I could be wrong), but I'm just not sure why he would be prepared for me to walk all over him like that. I know he dislikes confrontation (that was another thing that has held him back in his career too), but not standing up for himself, even with me, also makes me lose respect for him?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Bailey, your assessment is spot on particularly in the case of the OP. However. there is another possibility which also exists. It may not be everyone's dreamboat but it works quite well if the two people in the relationship are willing to make it work. Yes, the person who is of superior intellect and skills has to compromise to an extent but so has the person who is at the other end of the pendulum swing. In fact it may be harder for that person to be able to adjust knowing that he/she is not up to the mark of his or her high flying partner. However, as has happened in any number of cases of House husbands who have taken charge of domestic duties while their wives pursue their high flying careers, such arrangements work and work quite successfully, provided of course, that the two people in the relationship are on the same page as far as the arrangement goes. However, I do agree it is not for everyone and if there was no consensus at the start of the relationship about how it would go down, there will be trouble down the road as is the case with the OP and her husband.

 

I do not envy the OP. She has an unpleasant task ahead of her in taking the call to divorce her husband. I also get the feeling that the OP is singularly short sighted and error prone in her choice of partners. Her first partner turned out to be abusive. Her second one is a jelly mess according to her and someone she cannot tolerate long term. What will happen if the next Johnny come lately does not measure up in some respect to her expectations? She is now fixating on a guy who, like her is ambitious, climbing the ladder and is tall, handsome with a full head of hair, unlike her poor emasculated husband at home. Of course the husband cannot win this unequal comparison. Assuming she does manage to bag this new handsome dream guy, what happens when they have to live in close proximity and and both of them get on each other's nerves? What will she then desire? I think these are questions she needs to focus on. Everyone comes with their own bundle of strong points and flaws. The point is that in a relationship, compromise is the name of the game and whoever she wants to settle down with will have something which irritates her or rubs her up the wrong way. She has to decide what she can live with and what she cannot. Some folks dream of utopia but that will forever remain elusive in the human domain. Warm wishes.

[MJJean]

I do know that when you are intimate with someone for 1-1/2 years - you normally pay attention enough to know full well they are disorganized and absent minded.

 

There is a difference between 1) absent-minded and disorganized

and 2) absent-minded, disorganized, deeply in debt, completely lacking ambition, etc. etc. Absent-minded and disorganized you can work with. Absent-minded, disorganized, with a list of "and's" becomes too much.

 

My exH managed to hid two children by two different mothers, over $100k in child support debt, a very questionable employment history, and a criminal record from me for over 18 months. By the time I found out, I was living with him and 7 months pregnant. I knew he was irresponsible and a flake, but I had no idea of the extent of it until I was in up to my neck.

[MJJean]

I also get the feeling that the OP is singularly short sighted and error prone in her choice of partners. Her first partner turned out to be abusive. Her second one is a jelly mess according to her and someone she cannot tolerate long term.

 

I think that, after leaving the abusive relationship, OP sought out a weak man because he felt safe and non-threatening. The problem is that she cannot really love, respect, or feel attracted to a weak man. My advice is to definitely go to therapy and learn how to identify strong men who aren't abusive, because it sounds like that's the compatible type.

[camillalev]

Well you don't seem to be caught up... OP was using two user names, one claiming that her affair was over and another taking about not being able to get it out of her head. She has been deceptive from the start.

 

I aware of all this, that's why I quoted posts made by both of her accounts. She replied to one of my recent posts stating that she knew her feelings for this man likely weren't genuine, and that her infatuation with him is actually an indication of her other problems. That's why I was confused when you came in and said her feelings for him were over.

 

Hi S2B, ask Blues about this anomaly. He lived with his wife for 26 years, 20 of which she was a drug addict and he did not know a thing. To add insult to injury he realized that she had never loved him from day one and had had two affairs to boot in that while, which is when he decided to pull the plug. 26 years of his life wasted for nothing. I guess that is why he is so bitter about infidelity. People can be blinded by the one they ostensibly love and she was probably starved for affection when her current husband swept her off her feet. It probably took her a while to come down to mother Earth. Just saying. Warm wishes.

 

Wow. So sorry you had to go through this Blues

 

There is a difference between 1) absent-minded and disorganized

and 2) absent-minded, disorganized, deeply in debt, completely lacking ambition, etc. etc. Absent-minded and disorganized you can work with. Absent-minded, disorganized, with a list of "and's" becomes too much.

 

My exH managed to hid two children by two different mothers, over $100k in child support debt, a very questionable employment history, and a criminal record from me for over 18 months. By the time I found out, I was living with him and 7 months pregnant. I knew he was irresponsible and a flake, but I had no idea of the extent of it until I was in up to my neck.

 

Exactly. It's amazing what the people closest to us can hide.

Edited October 25, 2017 by camillalev

[S2B]

Yes I agree. It amplifies any feelings of unhappiness. Yet I can't seem to switch those off either even though nothing is happening with the OM. It's so frustrating.

 

Yes he does know - well to a certain extent. He knows I had feelings for someone I worked with and I said nothing would happen and through his own choice, he decided not to delve into it and he's never brought it up again. I was hoping he maybe would have questioned it more so we could have talked about it. I didn't make it clear to him the extent of my feelings.

 

What makes it worse is that my husband does think I'll leave him for someone else, someone more on my level. This is one of his fears. He said he envisaged me having an affair with someone I meet through work... he's tall and has his own hair (another sore pointfor him as he's bald), and he's ambitious and earns similar money to me.

 

The sad thing is that the OM (although nothing happened), ticks those boxes, makes me feel even more guilty about how I feel and what I'm doing to my husband. My husband has said on a couple of occasions that he doesn't think he's enough for me.

 

These are points you could address in counseling.

 

Your husband (non one could) can't compete with a ghost. Yet you won't let that fantasy go. You need help with that unfair comparison.

 

And consistently comparing "levels" with your H is not something he can fix for you. That's YOUR deficiciency. You believe in these "made up levels" that appear to make you on a higher level than him. That's your perspective - and your issue... you need help with that superiority issue.

[Undercoverirish]

Hi Bailey, your assessment is spot on particularly in the case of the OP. However. there is another possibility which also exists. It may not be everyone's dreamboat but it works quite well if the two people in the relationship are willing to make it work. Yes, the person who is of superior intellect and skills has to compromise to an extent but so has the person who is at the other end of the pendulum swing. In fact it may be harder for that person to be able to adjust knowing that he/she is not up to the mark of his or her high flying partner. However, as has happened in any number of cases of House husbands who have taken charge of domestic duties while their wives pursue their high flying careers, such arrangements work and work quite successfully, provided of course, that the two people in the relationship are on the same page as far as the arrangement goes. However, I do agree it is not for everyone and if there was no consensus at the start of the relationship about how it would go down, there will be trouble down the road as is the case with the OP and her husband.

 

I do not envy the OP. She has an unpleasant task ahead of her in taking the call to divorce her husband. I also get the feeling that the OP is singularly short sighted and error prone in her choice of partners. Her first partner turned out to be abusive. Her second one is a jelly mess according to her and someone she cannot tolerate long term. What will happen if the next Johnny come lately does not measure up in some respect to her expectations? She is now fixating on a guy who, like her is ambitious, climbing the ladder and is tall, handsome with a full head of hair, unlike her poor emasculated husband at home. Of course the husband cannot win this unequal comparison. Assuming she does manage to bag this new handsome dream guy, what happens when they have to live in close proximity and and both of them get on each other's nerves? What will she then desire? I think these are questions she needs to focus on. Everyone comes with their own bundle of strong points and flaws. The point is that in a relationship, compromise is the name of the game and whoever she wants to settle down with will have something which irritates her or rubs her up the wrong way. She has to decide what she can live with and what she cannot. Some folks dream of utopia but that will forever remain elusive in the human domain. Warm wishes.

 

I'm trying to make sure I'm very away of chasing that something elusive. On the other hand however, I remember my grandson used to always say to me that I was like my granddad, always thinking the grass was greener and always chasing new opportunities (and new skirt in his case too). I have always been like that. I'm a risk taker, I do make changes in my life and not all of them work out. But usually I end up in a better place than I started.

 

However I'm not sure that'd be the case with a man. I think I really need to give some thought about what's important to me and what I'll compromise on.

[Undercoverirish]

There is a difference between 1) absent-minded and disorganized

and 2) absent-minded, disorganized, deeply in debt, completely lacking ambition, etc. etc. Absent-minded and disorganized you can work with. Absent-minded, disorganized, with a list of "and's" becomes too much.

 

My exH managed to hid two children by two different mothers, over $100k in child support debt, a very questionable employment history, and a criminal record from me for over 18 months. By the time I found out, I was living with him and 7 months pregnant. I knew he was irresponsible and a flake, but I had no idea of the extent of it until I was in up to my neck.

 

It's crazy what some men will do! How did you ever cope finding out about the kids?

 

When I first met my husband, I was having a tight couple of months trying to sort the finances out between me and my ex and he offered to loan me money. I'm way to independent to borrow off a man (unless it's my dad), but little did I know at the time that he was living off a credit card!!

[Undercoverirish]

I think that, after leaving the abusive relationship, OP sought out a weak man because he felt safe and non-threatening. The problem is that she cannot really love, respect, or feel attracted to a weak man. My advice is to definitely go to therapy and learn how to identify strong men who aren't abusive, because it sounds like that's the compatible type.

 

He reminded me of my dad which at the time I definitely thought was a good thing! But my mum would call my dad spineless and when he was with her... he was.

 

I agree, I definitely need therapy.

[MJJean]

These are points you could address in counseling.

 

Your husband (non one could) can't compete with a ghost. Yet you won't let that fantasy go. You need help with that unfair comparison.

 

And consistently comparing "levels" with your H is not something he can fix for you. That's YOUR deficiciency. You believe in these "made up levels" that appear to make you on a higher level than him. That's your perspective - and your issue... you need help with that superiority issue.

 

Her husband isn't competing with ghosts. He's competing with other real life men who are more ambitious, higher earning, some of whom are also more physically attractive and possibly healthier.

[Undercoverirish]

Her husband isn't competing with ghosts. He's competing with other real life men who are more ambitious, higher earning, some of whom are also more physically attractive and possibly healthier.

 

Thank you for that.

 

I also don't feel that there's a problem having standards (even if they are high ones..), but I guess that's my outlook and not everyone will agree.

[Els]

Her husband isn't competing with ghosts. He's competing with other real life men who are more ambitious, higher earning, some of whom are also more physically attractive and possibly healthier.

 

But how many of those men are willing to be the primary childcarer????

 

There is always a tradeoff in such things. It is extremely rare for a person to be very high earning, ambitious AND willing to do the bulk of the childcare. Nor should such an expectation be made, really. Doing most of the childcare for a young child in and of itself is a JOB, and the fact that he manages to do it while still holding another job is already an achievement IMO, regardless of his income. The same would apply to any mother who was working full time while doing most of the childcare.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I think the essence of the matter is that Undercoverirish has fallen out of love with her husband and although she recognizes all his good qualities and assets, living in a relationship in which there is no love for your spouse is completely untenable. It is not a matter of how her husband contributes toward the family requirements or how good his nature is or whatever else. She does not love him any more, period. We can offer arguments back and forth till kingdom come or feel sorry for the guy but it is not going to cut ice with her or change her feelings towards him barring a miracle. I guess the ball is well and truly in her court and it is now up to her as to when she wants to pull the plug but pull the plug she will. Just saying.

[MJJean]

But how many of those men are willing to be the primary childcarer????

 

There is always a tradeoff in such things. It is extremely rare for a person to be very high earning, ambitious AND willing to do the bulk of the childcare. Nor should such an expectation be made, really. Doing most of the childcare for a young child in and of itself is a JOB, and the fact that he manages to do it while still holding another job is already an achievement IMO, regardless of his income. The same would apply to any mother who was working full time while doing most of the childcare.

 

Ambitious people, most notably single parents, work full time, climb the promotion ladder, and are the primary caregivers of their children, too. These things aren't mutually exclusive.

 

 

OP seems to no longer want to trade the chance to be with a compatible mate she respects for a great babysitter. Which makes sense considering kids grow up, need less and less hands on care as time passes, and, eventually, the parents are left with just each other.

 

 

 

On a purely practical note, I'd leave before extended alimony kicks in if I were her.

 

Yes, I'd give the same advice to a man who married an incompatible personality type and wanted out.

[S2B]

Her husband isn't competing with ghosts. He's competing with other real life men who are more ambitious, higher earning, some of whom are also more physically attractive and possibly healthier.

 

I was referring to the ghost as her OM who she fantasizes about. The man taking up the space in her brain. Idolizing the man. Fantasy life instead of reality.

 

No husband can compete with that fantasy.

[MJJean]

I was referring to the ghost as her OM who she fantasizes about. The man taking up the space in her brain. Idolizing the man. Fantasy life instead of reality.

 

No husband can compete with that fantasy.

 

The problem is that her husband isn't competing against a fantasy. He's competing against real life men who have more compatible personality types that OP finds more attractive as mates. He may be a great guy, but he doesn't have the drive and ambition that his wife finds appealing.

[Cobra_X]

The problem is that her husband isn't competing against a fantasy. He's competing against real life men who have more compatible personality types that OP finds more attractive as mates. He may be a great guy, but he doesn't have the drive and ambition that his wife finds appealing.

 

Why do so many people not understand that the vast majority of women want to marry UP not down?

[knabe]

Why do so many people not understand that the vast majority of women want to marry UP not down?

 

While my tender heart cringes at the idea of SAHD being "marrying down," the TRUTH of statistics and research is that the TYPICAL woman wants a man who can care for her - physically (as in bigger than her) and practically (as in work ethic and ambition). It just IS.

 

I didn't think I was like that. But the longer I was married to a man who was lazy, couldn't keep a job, and wanted to be henpecked and led around, the more unhappy BOTH of us became.

[DKT3]

Hi Folks, I think the essence of the matter is that Undercoverirish has fallen out of love with her husband and although she recognizes all his good qualities and assets, living in a relationship in which there is no love for your spouse is completely untenable. It is not a matter of how her husband contributes toward the family requirements or how good his nature is or whatever else. She does not love him any more, period. We can offer arguments back and forth till kingdom come or feel sorry for the guy but it is not going to cut ice with her or change her feelings towards him barring a miracle. I guess the ball is well and truly in her court and it is now up to her as to when she wants to pull the plug but pull the plug she will. Just saying.

 

I don't think she was ever in love with her husband. This marriage sounds like an affair turned marriiage. It a very similar dynamic, where she was in a bad relationship, quickly met a man who didn't really offer what she needed by did offer something different.

 

Sadly, she is about to repeat the cycle.

[MJJean]

It's crazy what some men will do! How did you ever cope finding out about the kids?

 

When I first met my husband, I was having a tight couple of months trying to sort the finances out between me and my ex and he offered to loan me money. I'm way to independent to borrow off a man (unless it's my dad), but little did I know at the time that he was living off a credit card!!

 

I told him he needed to get a stable job and pay his support. Additionally, I expected him to get involved and actually see his kids. Long story shortest, he never did. So, the other kids were never really a factor in the day to day except as yet another reason I had no respect for him as a person.

 

The long and short of it is that I was having casual sex with a man I wasn't compatible with and "did the right thing" when I got pregnant accidentally. The only way he could have met my physical, intellectual, and emotional needs would have been to become another person.

 

He reminded me of my dad which at the time I definitely thought was a good thing! But my mum would call my dad spineless and when he was with her... he was.

 

I agree, I definitely need therapy.

 

I truly believe you mistook your exH's abusive qualities for dominance/assertiveness. Then you went too far in the other direction. You definitely need to have your picker in for a tune up.

[S2B]

The problem is that her husband isn't competing against a fantasy. He's competing against real life men who have more compatible personality types that OP finds more attractive as mates. He may be a great guy, but he doesn't have the drive and ambition that his wife finds appealing.

 

Hence, she really doesn't love her husband.

 

 

Comparing anyone isn't right. But this is what she does because she is t happy = this OP needs serious counseling.

 

The issue is with the OP even though the marriage may be mismatched. It's not right that the H doesn't even stand a chance while the OP views him in this way.