I feel like my husband is incompetent

[Els]

Ambitious people, most notably single parents, work full time, climb the promotion ladder, and are the primary caregivers of their children, too. These things aren't mutually exclusive.

 

Realistically, it is very uncommon for someone to be able to achieve a high-paying job and position while being the primary childcarer. Are there single parents who manage to do that? Yes, of course, a few. However, that is also a huge accomplishment, and an exception to the norm!

 

Also, this thread isn't about single parents. In a couple, it's generally expected that the overall load should be shared, thus it's patently unfair and unrealistic to expect one party (of either gender) to have a great career while being the primary childcarer. Do you ACTUALLY know any men who work in very high-earning positions while being the main carer for their child from babyhood? Because I don't. In fact, I don't know too many women who do that either (and the ones who do typically divorce because resentment grows over such an arrangement).

 

The OP is free to divorce him if she wants. Doesn't change the fact that it's a pretty ******* move (for a man/woman to marry someone, let them be the primary childcarer for 4 years, and then kick them out as soon as the kid reaches an age where the "babysitter" isn't required too much anymore), and doesn't change the fact that nothing in this thread has actually indicated that the man is being an unequal partner.

 

If he had been unambitious, low-earning, AND left all the childcare to her, I'd be on board with you guys, but not when he's the main carer.

[MJJean]

Hence, she really doesn't love her husband.

 

 

Comparing anyone isn't right. But this is what she does because she is t happy = this OP needs serious counseling.

 

The issue is with the OP even though the marriage may be mismatched. It's not right that the H doesn't even stand a chance while the OP views him in this way.

 

Comparing people is natural and normal. We do it all the time. We compare people against others when we date, select service personnel, select employees, friends, on and on. Life is competitive.

 

Of course the husband doesn't stand a chance. He's not the personality type the OP finds appealing. She is into more "alpha" males and he's a "beta".

 

Realistically, it is very uncommon for someone to be able to achieve a high-paying job and position while being the primary childcarer. Are there single parents who manage to do that? Yes, of course, a few. However, that is also a huge accomplishment, and an exception to the norm!

 

Also, this thread isn't about single parents. In a couple, it's generally expected that the overall load should be shared, thus it's patently unfair and unrealistic to expect one party (of either gender) to have a great career while being the primary childcarer. Do you ACTUALLY know any men who work in very high-earning positions while being the main carer for their child from babyhood? Because I don't. In fact, I don't know too many women who do that either (and the ones who do typically divorce because resentment grows over such an arrangement).

 

The OP is free to divorce him if she wants. Doesn't change the fact that it's a pretty ******* move (for a man/woman to marry someone, let them be the primary childcarer for 4 years, and then kick them out as soon as the kid reaches an age where the "babysitter" isn't required too much anymore), and doesn't change the fact that nothing in this thread has actually indicated that the man is being an unequal partner.

 

If he had been unambitious, low-earning, AND left all the childcare to her, I'd be on board with you guys, but not when he's the main carer.

 

Yes, I do know a few people in high paying careers who are primary childcarers due to death, divorce, or illness. The careers involved are in finance, medicine, and research chemistry. I also know a SAHD who homeschools 5 kids while his wife supports the family.

 

We can discuss fair and argue equality in domestic partnerships til we're both blue, but that doesn't change the fact that while this husband may be a nice guy, but he's not what the OP wants in a mate. What's she supposed to do? Stay married to a man she isn't in love with, isn't attracted to anymore, and doesn't respect due to his lack of ambition and the issues he seems to have "adulting" because he's nice enough, isn't too terribly inept, and is a good father?

[Cephalopod]

And I'm 33 by the way

 

 

 

You and your husband are both young enough to start over with compatible mates, or go forward separately with your lives. Don't wait another ten years and let this resentment fester any longer.

[Els]

 

Yes, I do know a few people in high paying careers who are primary childcarers due to death, divorce, or illness. The careers involved are in finance, medicine, and research chemistry. I also know a SAHD who homeschools 5 kids while his wife supports the family.

 

None of that fits the mold of "one person in a two-person relationship being high-earning and ambitious while doing most of the childcare since the baby was born", which is the standard that the OP's husband appears to be held to.

 

We can discuss fair and argue equality in domestic partnerships til we're both blue, but that doesn't change the fact that while this husband may be a nice guy, but he's not what the OP wants in a mate. What's she supposed to do? Stay married to a man she isn't in love with, isn't attracted to anymore, and doesn't respect due to his lack of ambition and the issues he seems to have "adulting" because he's nice enough, isn't too terribly inept, and is a good father?

Of course the OP can leave. We all seem to agree on that. The part we disagree on is where some posters are supporting the OP's perception of her husband as "incompetent" and "lazy". Dude just sounds like an unfortunate man who happened to marry a woman whom he was incompatible with in my view.

[DKT3]

None of that fits the mold of "one person in a two-person relationship being high-earning and ambitious while doing most of the childcare since the baby was born", which is the standard that the OP's husband appears to be held to.

 

Of course the OP can leave. We all seem to agree on that. The part we disagree on is where some posters are supporting the OP's perception of her husband as "incompetent" and "lazy". Dude just sounds like an unfortunate man who happened to marry a woman whom he was incompatible with in my view.

 

No, one who didn't/doesn't love or respect him. Being compatible is a myth because people change adjust and grow. What was an interest or desire at 25 may not or often isn't at 35.

[Els]

No, one who didn't/doesn't love or respect him. Being compatible is a myth because people change adjust and grow. What was an interest or desire at 25 may not or often isn't at 35.

 

Being compatible is not a myth - while changes can and do happen, you would be surprised how the core values of a person can often remain roughly the same throughout their adult life.

 

But yes, the OP doesn't respect or love him... AND is incompatible with him.

[Undercoverirish]

None of that fits the mold of "one person in a two-person relationship being high-earning and ambitious while doing most of the childcare since the baby was born", which is the standard that the OP's husband appears to be held to.

 

Of course the OP can leave. We all seem to agree on that. The part we disagree on is where some posters are supporting the OP's perception of her husband as "incompetent" and "lazy". Dude just sounds like an unfortunate man who happened to marry a woman whom he was incompatible with in my view.

 

I've never said he was lazy, he isn't.

 

There's quite a few people mentioning SAHD, my husband has never been a stay at home dad but he chose to reduce his working week to 4 days a week when she was first born. This was partially to do with the fact that he wanted to spend time with her... but mostly because he doesn't like working so it was a great excuse to reduce his working hours. He's often said that if we could afford it, he'd love to give up work and be a stay at home dad.

 

Since she was 8 weeks old, she's been in childcare 4 days and week and 1 day with hubs until she turned 3 and she went to kindergarten full time.

[Hecan]

You want, you think , you feel ....

 

You have a CHILD!!! One who is primarily cared for by your husband as You built a career!! Oh, but you don't need child care now ....

 

Well I hope HE gets the child as HE seems to be the parent. Sorry but welcome to reality!!

 

And your sweet child probably doesn't really care what daddy forgot on vacation, only that daddy is there !!!

Edited October 26, 2017 by Hecan
Addition

[Els]

I've never said he was lazy, he isn't.

 

There's quite a few people mentioning SAHD, my husband has never been a stay at home dad but he chose to reduce his working week to 4 days a week when she was first born. This was partially to do with the fact that he wanted to spend time with her... but mostly because he doesn't like working so it was a great excuse to reduce his working hours. He's often said that if we could afford it, he'd love to give up work and be a stay at home dad.

 

Since she was 8 weeks old, she's been in childcare 4 days and week and 1 day with hubs until she turned 3 and she went to kindergarten full time.

 

Out of curiosity, did you EVER spend even one full day looking after your child alone, when she was a baby? You sound like someone who has never taken care of a baby or toddler before and have zero idea how much work it entails. Staying at home with your baby or toddler is NOT a walk in the park! I have been in both situations (not my baby, a relative needed help 1 day) and working is easier, 100% hands down.

 

You sounds extremely dismissive of your husband's sacrifices; I feel very sorry for him and your child.

[elaine567]

I really struggled with the shock of motherhood. She wasn't planned although I did think I wanted to have a family with him.

I had very bad postnatal depression after having her and I think that along with the financial struggles have really taken a toll on our relationship.

^^^ this

Women who have had PND can struggle massively with bonding with their children.

[MJJean]

Staying at home with your baby or toddler is NOT a walk in the park! I have been in both situations (not my baby, a relative needed help 1 day) and working is easier, 100% hands down.

 

You sounds extremely dismissive of your husband's sacrifices; I feel very sorry for him and your child.

 

Except he's not a SAHD. OP clearly states he works and their child has been in daycare 4 days a week until she started school.

 

 

 

There's quite a few people mentioning SAHD, my husband has never been a stay at home dad but he chose to reduce his working week to 4 days a week when she was first born. This was partially to do with the fact that he wanted to spend time with her... but mostly because he doesn't like working so it was a great excuse to reduce his working hours. He's often said that if we could afford it, he'd love to give up work and be a stay at home dad.

 

Since she was 8 weeks old, she's been in childcare 4 days and week and 1 day with hubs until she turned 3 and she went to kindergarten full time.

 

I think the use of the term "primary carer" has confused people. Here, most folks define "primary carer" as a SAHP, so they assume he's SAHD when, in fact, he's not. At all.

[elaine567]

I think the use of the term "primary carer" has confused people. Here, most folks define "primary carer" as a SAHP, so they assume he's SAHD when, in fact, he's not. At all.

 

Yes, the child has always been in almost full time child care.

So whilst he is no doubt a good father in his way, he is not the 24/7 hands on saint that some on here would like to paint him as.

[camillalev]

You want, you think , you feel ....

 

You have a CHILD!!! One who is primarily cared for by your husband as You built a career!! Oh, but you don't need child care now ....

 

Well I hope HE gets the child as HE seems to be the parent. Sorry but welcome to reality!!

 

And your sweet child probably doesn't really care what daddy forgot on vacation, only that daddy is there !!!

 

Ok so the SAHP should always get the child in custody cases? Which in turn means mothers(usually the SAHP) should always get full custody of kids? Please It's amazing the applause men get just for being present.

 

Yes, the child has always been in almost full time child care.

So whilst he is no doubt a good father in his way, he is not the 24/7 hands on saint that some on here would like to paint him as.

 

Exactly. People are on here ranting about how he gave up so much to be STAP so she could build a career meanwhile no such thing has happened. OP has stated that the child is in child care 4 days a week and both parents work during this time.

 

Honestly the lengths some people will go just to lambaste this woman is amazing. Again ignoring post-natal depression which is a serious issue that often gets looked over with new mothers. And ignoring the fact that OPs husband hid debt from her and didnt do anything about until she made him get on a debt management plan.

[Hecan]

My rant is the ability for parents, any parent to be all about themselves and the child is an after thought. We know SHE makes more money , SHE packs She she she she ... My point is SHE appears to be all about herself and not much mention of her child. It seems to be an indication of where SHE is. Children don't care who makes more money, who has more ambition, who is depressed, if parents stay home all the time or not, they care about who greets them at the end of the day, who spends time, who thinks they are more important than climbing a ladder, they need to be made a priority. I never said stay at home parents are better than those that work but SHE has decided that the man who appears to be the same as he has always been suddenly isn't cutting it and SHE is ready to throw in the towel. I say go for it, but leave your child out of it. They don't deserve her. Oh and wait, SHE. Had feeling for a co-worker but that's over now...

 

Rant over!

[Els]

Except he's not a SAHD. OP clearly states he works and their child has been in daycare 4 days a week until she started school.

 

I think the use of the term "primary carer" has confused people. Here, most folks define "primary carer" as a SAHP, so they assume he's SAHD when, in fact, he's not. At all.

 

I was not assuming he was a permanent SAHD. When I mentioned him being at home, I was referring to the 1 day a week that he sacrificed at his job to stay at home with the child.

 

Also, daycare doesn't take the child 24/7. They usually take the child 8 hours a day tops (here, anyway). The other 16 hours a day, someone has to take care of the child. According to the OP's description, that "someone" has been her husband.

 

If you ask ANYONE of any gender who has been the primary childcarer for their young child EVEN with daycare, they will tell you that it will take a toll on your career. All that extra time spent on the child instead of advancing their career - it really adds up. Having to be home at 5pm to pick up the kid instead of being able to put in extra time at work. Spending your evenings taking care of the kid instead of networking or building up your skills. Not being able to go on business trips. Waking up nights with the kid. Waking up earlier to send the kid to kindergarten instead of just getting ready for work.

 

Most responsible high-flying parents in a LTR will acknowledge that if it weren't for their partner, they would never have been able to be where they are in their career while still being a parent. I really thought this was common knowledge - it certainly is in my career field.

Edited October 27, 2017 by Elswyth

[Timshel]

Holidays, sick days, calls from school nurses...teacher conferences, teacher planning days. Oh, those are mostly school age k-5 (age 5-10); pre-school/daycare, a single parent can do but there are limitations. Using the words no, I have to go and I can't take that trip/overtime are a reality.

 

I was fortunate that my career was flexible when my children were very young, but I remained local when I could have gone federal, even global.

My husband's career did advance because when daycare was closed, the children were sick and just plain old 5:30 pick up did not interfere, he was the captain of his work hours.

 

This truism regarding child care does not necessarily negate the OP's struggles with contentment in her marriage.

Op, have you tried marriage counseling yet? Sorry, if this has already been addressed.

 

If you truly want out of this marriage it would be better for all to do so, only know that juggling your work and social life will not be easier with a 50/50 child custody agreement.

[Undercoverirish]

You want, you think , you feel ....

 

You have a CHILD!!! One who is primarily cared for by your husband as You built a career!! Oh, but you don't need child care now ....

 

Well I hope HE gets the child as HE seems to be the parent. Sorry but welcome to reality!!

 

And your sweet child probably doesn't really care what daddy forgot on vacation, only that daddy is there !!!

 

That might be true but she isn't married to him!! He'll always be her daddy regardless, it doesn't mean I want to be with him.

[Undercoverirish]

Out of curiosity, did you EVER spend even one full day looking after your child alone, when she was a baby? You sound like someone who has never taken care of a baby or toddler before and have zero idea how much work it entails. Staying at home with your baby or toddler is NOT a walk in the park! I have been in both situations (not my baby, a relative needed help 1 day) and working is easier, 100% hands down.

 

You sounds extremely dismissive of your husband's sacrifices; I feel very sorry for him and your child.

 

Yes I have. For one, I was off for 8 weeks with her after I have birth. I know looking after a hold is incredibly difficult and going out to work for me is much easier.

 

What sacrifices has my husband made exactly...??

[Undercoverirish]

My rant is the ability for parents, any parent to be all about themselves and the child is an after thought. We know SHE makes more money , SHE packs She she she she ... My point is SHE appears to be all about herself and not much mention of her child. It seems to be an indication of where SHE is. Children don't care who makes more money, who has more ambition, who is depressed, if parents stay home all the time or not, they care about who greets them at the end of the day, who spends time, who thinks they are more important than climbing a ladder, they need to be made a priority. I never said stay at home parents are better than those that work but SHE has decided that the man who appears to be the same as he has always been suddenly isn't cutting it and SHE is ready to throw in the towel. I say go for it, but leave your child out of it. They don't deserve her. Oh and wait, SHE. Had feeling for a co-worker but that's over now...

 

Rant over!

 

I really disagree with this. There is no reason why having children should stop you from being able to focus on your career. She knows I love her, the time I spend with her is quality time, just because I might not pick her up from school every day.

[Undercoverirish]

That's a good point - when a call from school comes in - which parent leaves work to get the child...you or your husband?

 

We've only had that happen once and it was me. I work from home so now she's a bit older, she's able to sit and watch to etc while I work in the background. And she comes and draws little pictures for me every now and again.

 

Another poster just mentioned about the sacrifice my husband made to work 4 days instead of 5. This wasn't a sacrifice for him at all and he'd have preferredd not to work at all. I would have been quite happy for her to be in childcare 5 days a week.

 

Also, children need care for the other 16 hours of the day???

 

My daughters schedule:

School/childcare 8am-5:30pm (9.5 hours)

Dinner and bed time routine 5:30-7pm

Sleeping 7pm-6:30am

Breakfast/morning routine 6:30am-8am

 

Some of you seem to think that I'm some kind of absent parent!!! I'm not, just because sometimes I have to be away for work or I have to work late on a project or a call or meeting runs past school pickup. There is nothing wrong with having a career and a family.

[BettyDraper]

We've only had that happen once and it was me. I work from home so now she's a bit older, she's able to sit and watch to etc while I work in the background. And she comes and draws little pictures for me every now and again.

 

Another poster just mentioned about the sacrifice my husband made to work 4 days instead of 5. This wasn't a sacrifice for him at all and he'd have preferredd not to work at all. I would have been quite happy for her to be in childcare 5 days a week.

 

Also, children need care for the other 16 hours of the day???

 

My daughters schedule:

School/childcare 8am-5:30pm (9.5 hours)

Dinner and bed time routine 5:30-7pm

Sleeping 7pm-6:30am

Breakfast/morning routine 6:30am-8am

 

Some of you seem to think that I'm some kind of absent parent!!! I'm not, just because sometimes I have to be away for work or I have to work late on a project or a call or meeting runs past school pickup. There is nothing wrong with having a career and a family.

 

You may have been happy with putting your child in daycare but you are not a single mom. Such decisions are not made unilaterally when there are two parents in the home.

 

I agree that there's nothing wrong with having a career and family. However, the way you focus purely on your own needs as well as lack appreciation for your husband's childcare is disturbing. Marriage and children are not for people who choose to think of themselves all the time.

 

Based on what you have posted, I have an inkling that if you met a man whom you felt was your equal, eventually you would complain about other aspects of his character. It would be best for you to divorce your husband and stay single for at least a year so that you could work on yourself.

Edited October 28, 2017 by BettyDraper

[BaileyB]

Do an exercise. Think and do for your husband for six months.

 

Treat him like a king.

 

YOU pack the bags for any vacation. You pick up all the slack for his deficiencies.

 

Think and do for others.

 

Then report back how your behavior changes your marriage.

 

That's a good plan. Your thoughts often create your reality.

 

Focus on your husbands deficiencies and bemoan how unhappy you are in your marriage... and, you will be unhappy. Guaranteed.

 

Treat your husband with love and affection, and it will be returned to you... then, see how you feel about your marriage.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Undercoverirish, I do not know what you are hoping to gain by staying and answering questions which you obviously think are unwarranted or not relevant to your context. It seems to me that you have decided on divorcing your husband. If that be the case then do you have a plan in place? Have you drawn up a timeline by when you want to initiate divorce proceedings and by when you expect things to be over? Have you got your so called ducks in a row? To me it seems it is no more a question of 'if' but 'when'. So please let us know your plans. Otherwise you are going to get a lot of back and forth which, in the long run, is meaningless to your overall plan. Warm wishes.

[Els]

 

Another poster just mentioned about the sacrifice my husband made to work 4 days instead of 5. This wasn't a sacrifice for him at all and he'd have preferredd not to work at all. I would have been quite happy for her to be in childcare 5 days a week.

 

Also, children need care for the other 16 hours of the day???

 

My daughters schedule:

School/childcare 8am-5:30pm (9.5 hours)

Dinner and bed time routine 5:30-7pm

Sleeping 7pm-6:30am

Breakfast/morning routine 6:30am-8am

 

Some of you seem to think that I'm some kind of absent parent!!! I'm not, just because sometimes I have to be away for work or I have to work late on a project or a call or meeting runs past school pickup. There is nothing wrong with having a career and a family.

 

Of course there is nothing wrong with having a career and a family - as long as you are appreciative of the extra work your partner does to allow you to do so, which you aren't.

 

Honestly, at this point I don't think there is any further purpose in this discussion. Clearly you really want to leave your husband and are looking for every excuse in the book to do so. Nobody who has been an active parent actually believes that taking care of a young child does not take a lot of time, effort, and yes, sacrifices. Even going by the schedule you mentioned, the morning and evening routines alone are 3 hours a day, which is easily the difference between a high-paying job and a lower-paying one in and of itself. And it would have taken much more time when she was younger. Not being able to work late or go away for work would severely reduce potential opportunities as well.

 

At any rate, there isn't any need to convince anyone else, when it is clear that you have already convinced yourself. Go ahead and divorce your husband. I just hope you will be responsible with the child support and give custody to your husband so that at least your daughter will not need to suffer for it.

[Undercoverirish]

Hi Undercoverirish, I do not know what you are hoping to gain by staying and answering questions which you obviously think are unwarranted or not relevant to your context. It seems to me that you have decided on divorcing your husband. If that be the case then do you have a plan in place? Have you drawn up a timeline by when you want to initiate divorce proceedings and by when you expect things to be over? Have you got your so called ducks in a row? To me it seems it is no more a question of 'if' but 'when'. So please let us know your plans. Otherwise you are going to get a lot of back and forth which, in the long run, is meaningless to your overall plan. Warm wishes.

 

No I really don't have a plan if I'm honest.

 

I have a tenanted property that I'm keen to sell at the start of the new year and my idea was that we would split the money from that and that would give me enough to get somewhere of my own. But I don't have a timescale. I feel like I have one foot in and one foot out - part of me still hopes things will change and that I'll settle and be happy as it's so disruptive to everyone going through separation/divorce, but I have had one foot out through the door all year.