Food fight!

[MontanaGirl]

This feels like such a petty problem, but it's causing real friction in my marriage.

 

My husband wants a bite of EVERYTHING I eat. It doesn't matter what it is. I cut up an orange - he wants a couple slices. I butter a bagel - "gimme a bite" (then two, if it tastes good). I take out an ice cream sandwich - flavor he's already said he dislikes - and he asks for a bite before I get the thing out of its wrapper! Once, I crossed him in a dark hallway while I was eating a breakfast bar, and he opened his mouth expecting a bite without even knowing what I was eating!

 

I'm at my wit's end. If I preemptively offer him a bite, he wants another. If I say no, it causes a fight. When I begrudgingly hand over what he wants, he resents that I gave it to him with less than an eager heart. Taking each interaction independently, denying him a bite of something is absurd. But this isn't a rare occurrence (it happens multiple times a day), and I'm starting to really resent this "food tax." He says he doesn't do it out of hunger or wanting to feel more loved/nourished by me. He says he doesn't want his own of whatever I'm eating (again, he's not hungry). He just wants a taste because he wants a taste.

 

This has always been annoying, but now I'm 7 months pregnant and I find myself increasingly resentful of sharing my food with him. I never ask him to give me a snack he makes. I cook all the meals, and I always give him the lion's share when I make something I intend to share. Am I being unreasonable? If so, how can I train myself to be less selfish when it comes to food?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Montanagirl, Wow, never heard of something like this. I think your husband has something akin to Pavlov's syndrome. That's the way way dogs are trained to do tricks or perform certain tasks. Of course in his case it is not a reward after a task performed but the sight of food acts as a trigger for him and it become something like a knee jerk reaction. May be you should get him to see a therapist qualified to handle something like this who can coax him through therapy to stop reacting in this way. If he does it with you then maybe he did it when he was a child. Maybe his Mum would give him tid bits from something she was eating and the habit got ingrained in him. You could also sit him down and tell him that this habit of his is getting on your nerves especially since you are now in the family way and it is making you resentful towards him. Another tactic could be to avoid eating any snacks when he is around. Maybe you could hide in your bedroom or some other place to down a snack when you know he is around. Seems ridiculous but then that is better than your losing your cool for something so insignificant. Try all the tricks in your basket before you throw in the towel. Warm wishes.

[GemmaUK]

You have allowed this so he expects.

 

If this causes a fight when you say no why on earth are you having a child with him?

[MontanaGirl]

Thanks for such a thoughtful response, Guy. I may nudge him towards therapy - it is such a weird quirk. I have been sneaking my snacks a little bit, but that just feels so unhealthy - better to address the real issue than create more!

 

Hammy - he always happily shares food if I ask (but I rarely do, unless we're eating out). He does sometimes push me to eat a bite of something he's having, even if I don't want it.

 

Gemma - I'm having his child because overall he's a wonderfully supportive, kind, intelligent man who makes me happy. He just also has quirks that irritate me.

[MontanaGirl]

I rarely ate snacks before pregnancy - and now I have to eat many very small meals/snacks every day or I get heartburn. So him wanting a piece of everything I made for myself was a rare thing before, but frequent now. And it's not an issue with real meals, because of course I cook those planning to share.

 

And he doesn't want his own of what I'm making. If I cut two oranges, he'll leave his untouched. If I toast two bagels, one goes to waste.

 

We've talked about couple's therapy as a pre-emptive approach before the stresses of a newborn could cause issues in our marriage. So bringing up how therapy could help us with this isn't something he would find offensive.

[iVisa]

I'm sorry, but this sounds so funny. Just say 'no'. Maybe he will be mad at the beggining, but next time this will be easier.

[coolheadal]

You should have nipped this in the bucket when this first had occurred! Not it's even worst. Just eat when he's not in your face. Go eat and take the food into space where he can't follow you. Go into the car, truck, suv, luv whatever you drive. Lock the doors and eat. Or just don't eat it and put in back in the fridge. The war is on you have to win this. He needs to grow-up and stop being so clingy to you. Your pregnant and I not telling you to throw up in his face, but try to head for the bathroom make up excuse you got to go potty. But when he ask for food from your own self just put it away and walk away and don't even say anything about it. When he goes away you get the food hide it and eat it on your own. Or if you want throw the food in his face. If you want to be playful but the problem is you let all of this happen. His excuse is childish. Really no one does like this. Once or twice but he needs to stop and if he doesn't stop you need not to stand for it. Go and visit your mom for a while let him sit in the house on his own. You have to make him understand this is this is torture for you, because he's invading your space. If you left him for another man you'll always have this fear of another man trying to do the same thing. So he needs stop this abuse. Yes it's abuse when he doesn't stop doing the same thing over and over. Take bite oh yes really good I want more. Every time you eat he has to eat what you eat.

[pheonixrisen]

I really dont see a problem ...and do get surprised when people comment why have a child with him:confused:

 

Any way

 

I don't see this as a problem to create so much disharmony in marriage..its something minor but ok if it bothers you so much then when ever you are snacking no matter how many times a day when you take one for your self take one for him ..or take a little bit extra knowing you are going to give him some ...

 

Please do not eat in dark corners or hide food thats really petty...and is not a solution

Edited October 22, 2017 by pheonixrisen

[kazen]

Here's what you do. Get some wasabi. And put that inside your food. Put lots of it. When he ask for a bite, you let him eat the side with wasabi and watch him cry. LOL From then on, he'll think twice about wanting your food.

[Els]

I cook all the meals, and I always give him the lion's share when I make something I intend to share.

 

Could it be that this is the actual cause of your resentment, and the "food sharing" is just a symptom?

 

I mean, I think the food sharing is a minor issue in and of itself - a bite more or less doesn't make any difference in the long run! But if you are already feeling resentful about always being the one responsible for having dinner on the table, then it's certainly understandable that the tiniest thing would set you off.

 

Perhaps you could have him be responsible for meals a couple of days a week (either he cooks or gets takeaway/delivery, whatever suits him), and see if that fixes things?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This is a funny quirk, one you rib him over when having dinner with friends. But, I can see how it could easily become VERY annoying. I'd suggest bringing it up at a time when it's NOT an issue (i.e. not when he's just asked you for a bite) and ask him to just stop doing it. If he respects you, and I don't doubt he does, he should stop willingly.

[amaysngrace]

Start asking him for a bite of everything he eats, two if it's good.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I, too, think you should, sometime when the two of you are together but you are not eating, tell him you have something you want to talk with him about. And just as you couched it here, tell him it may seem petty but it's really beginning to annoy you.

 

Also, why not ask him if you can go a week or two without him asking for any of your food? Just try for a short time him asking you for nothing at all.

 

Here's an alternate idea you could try. I actually think I would do this before talking with him as I think it would be fun! In fact, this tickles my fancy so much I almost wish I were you (not really as I don't want to be pg, lol!) so that I could do this to him! Continue to keep up your normal schedule of snacking but step up carrying around food a lot more than usual making it appear you're snacking when you're actually not. But then when he sees the food offer him some. Do it so much that he can't eat that much food, but keep getting food and "just happening" to cross paths with him so that you can give him more...and more...and more...then at some point when he's had way too much to eat keep trying to get him to take it. Just overwhelm him. Pester him with it just as he's pestering you for it! I have done this with someone who was taking from me to the point where it was driving me crazy. The person ended up running the other way whenever they saw me coming and thought I was bringing them something, lol! It was SO much fun to watch it happen! Every time I think of it I smile or chuckle!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Montana, if you've seen the movie "Good Will Hunting", then there is this scene where Robin Williams character tells Matt Daemon's character about his dead wife's little flaws. He goes into graphic detail about them and both of them have a good laugh. Williams then goes on to say that his wife knew all of his own peccadillos and that that was what built the great intimacy between them. He said it was those little things that drew them really close as it was their shared secret and it was what he missed most since she died. I think you could take a leaf out of what Robin Williams had to say because, even though he was a character speaking in a movie, I think he believed every word of what he was saying in real life too. In my opinion he was one of the greatest actors to come out of Hollywood and one of the finest Human Beings to boot. May his soul R.I.P. Warm wishes.

[Myword]

Is this advice obvious? buy 2 of everything. Give him one first then you.

 

 

Tell him you are very very hungry for every morsel.

 

 

Please don't waste your time and money on a therapist. He or she will think it is a petty thing, a joke, won't take it seriously. Loveshack posters are often better than therapists IMO.

 

 

If he gets mad,too bad.Let him sulk.

 

 

One question: is this flap a cover for another problem between you two?

Sometimes people will become annoying on purpose or without intention over one minor thing because they are really angered at something bigger but dont want to talk about it. Sort of passive aggressive.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Hi Montana, if you've seen the movie "Good Will Hunting", then there is this scene where Robin Williams character tells Matt Daemon's character about his dead wife's little flaws. He goes into graphic detail about them and both of them have a good laugh. Williams then goes on to say that his wife knew all of his own peccadillos and that that was what built the great intimacy between them. He said it was those little things that drew them really close as it was their shared secret and it was what he missed most since she died. I think you could take a leaf out of what Robin Williams had to say because, even though he was a character speaking in a movie, I think he believed every word of what he was saying in real life too. In my opinion he was one of the greatest actors to come out of Hollywood and one of the finest Human Beings to boot. May his soul R.I.P. Warm wishes.

 

That was a great scene, and I agree with you about Robin Williams. <3 I could never "follow him" in real life (when he was being interviewed), but he was a brilliant actor with a brilliant mind.

[TrustedthenBusted]

It's not petty. Drives me nuts too. My wife was like that but she didn't ask. She'd wait until the sandwich or pancake or ommelet was right at the sweet spot and shout " Ooh! I want that bite! " ie: she never ate the corner of an omelette or sandwich. She'd wait util the meaty center was exposed and reach in for the best chomp.

 

Similarly, at restaurants, she would order some lame zero calorie salad, and then proceed to try to eat half of whatever delicious fatty salty awesome meal I ordered. uh.....nope! get your own.

 

Doing it to me was one thing, but watching her do it to other people disgusted me. She used to laugh it off and say it was endearing, and I assured her it wasn't. She will still occasionally ask for some of my food, which is fine, but she now knows what behavior is annoying and what isn't.

 

Funny thing though... it took having children to drive the point home. Because she started doing it to them too, and they would freak out on her with the raw honesty that you only get from children. And I would just say " See?!? Nobody likes that! "

 

I say either:

 

1. You just tell him that behavior drives you crazy OR

 

2. Every time he asks, you make him bark like a seal and clap his flippers together if he wants a treat. EVERY TIME. he'll get it.

[todreaminblue]

i had this problem with my kids...i didnt really have resentment though...except when their bite took the whole thing.........and i dont mind sharing normally i always offer food when i go out with anyone....off my plate..ill say try this...but if i didnt want to share i wouldnt eat it in front of them....but if it is causing problems with you...have you spoken to him about it ........deb

[Dreamwalker17]

Hmm...just say "no"?

 

What will he do then? Go get his own bagel? Pout for days?