Sexless Marriage

[Sexless1981]

Hi everyone. I am new to the forums. I am in my mid-thirties and my wife is in her mid-forties. A couple of years ago she lost her sex drive. This was also due in part to her getting a UTI every time we had sex. She tried going off anti-depressants and getting special post-sex antibiotics. None of this helped. She still had no interest and still got sick after sex. So now all sex has ceased. We only had sex once this year. My sex drive is still very strong. I couldn't take it anymore at one point last year and had sex with a younger woman a few times. That ended fast as she met someone. I didn't really feel guilty after this as I can easily separate love from sex. The rest of our marriage is in good shape as we are still in love and I feel the need to take care of her. I would feel awful and depressed if I left. She is also always telling me that I am all that she has. We don't have kids, we tried, never happened. Here is my issue now. I have women that have invited me over for fun, but no way for me to get away without wife knowing something is up. This is beyond frustrating. My wife also recently quit her job, so I have zero freedom at all to even masturbate. I am a nice, hardworking guy, I shouldn't have to ignore my needs. I am just very lost at what to do. I will not make my Wife feel guilty either. Please don't judge. Thank you.

Edited October 21, 2017 by Sexless1981

[road]

Are you circumcised? If not possible source of

her infections. Harder for a man to keep it clean.

 

Time for a Dr appointment. Your GP not getting it

done time to see a specialist to find a medical solution.

 

Also time for IC for you and your wife to deal with this

problem.

[Sexless1981]

I am circumsized. What is IC?

[Mumbles]

Something really not right here. UTI after sex every time? If this were normal humans would have died out many years ago. I'd get her off to a doctor immediately.

 

I've heard similar stories on LS a million times - its my view that aside from the odd few cases where something medical really is going on, its an excuse to withdraw sex from the relationship - and one that can hardly be argued against.

 

I assume you've tried sex both with and without a condom? If you're both clean, hygienically, then no condom sex shouldn't be causing such problems. With a condom, perhaps, its possible there is some sort of latex allergy or other similar issue - either way, a doc should be able to put that problem to rest pretty quickly.

 

But heres the thing, and I've said this before in similar threads. If we assume the complaint is real, and there really is something medical going on, then, all other things being equal, your wife should be going mental from lack of sex at this point. Her libido, you'd assume, would be normal, but she abstains from sex because of the after effects. Is this the case? I'd expect in these cases, if they are real, that the abstaining partner would be up for almost anything, sexually, except penetration (being the assumed cause of the UTI).

 

Most often, this isn't the case however, at least not in reported cases here. When the truth comes out its simply a celibacy choice from the one partner and incel for the other. Not right.

 

The thing is, realistically, cold hard light of day, what does the newly celibate partner really think is going to happen here? So few of them seem to think that far ahead, but its a serious decision that they've just made, to withhold sex. Do they really not understand that there can only be one outcome? The incel partner will find a way to break their celibacy ... either through 'cheating' or, ultimately, divorce or separation.

 

In her mid forties, a womans libido normally goes through the roof, if anything, it should be you, at mid thirties, and a man, who sees a waning off from some of the hormonally driven lust of male youth.

 

I went through years of incel in my first marriage, and for many years I simply put up with it, masturbating my way through to near insanity. It all ended in divorce because its not sustainable, at least wasn't for me, and most men (and women!) ultimately have to face the same truth if the base cause of the issue can't be addressed.

 

I promised myself after this experience to never go through that again. I need sex in my life and I'll get it, one way or another. Theres no good to be found in becoming some sort of martyr inside your own marriage.

 

I'd go to a GP first, then a marriage councilor right after. Give yourself a timeline, say 6 months, to get things sorted. If theres reticence in any way then prepare to move on.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry, you are in a tough spot.

 

But, I find it really sad that you say you would feel "awful and depressed" if you left but you "didn't feel real guilty" about having sex with another woman. That's looking at the situation from your point of view, and you hold all the cards and have all the information.

 

If I was your wife, I think I would feel worse knowing that my husband is cheating and shows no remorse, than leaving and living a life in my own.

[BaileyB]

I do agree that a UTI every single time you have sex is a little suspect.

 

Women in their forties can definitely want frequent sex. But remember, she may be in perimenopause - which can mean more frequent UTI's, pain during sex, and a lower sex drive for some women....

[Anah]

Sexless life isnt something I could handle. That said, I think its important that you have a hard conversation with your wife. Explain to her your needs and then if she isnt willing to compromise some how. As her if you can look for a fwb. If nothing else, maybe that will open her eyes. As for you stroking one out.. im not sure why her being home would matter, even in a healthy sexual marriage it is normal and good to sexually satisfying yourself. Maybe it would be good for her to know that your off taking care of your needs.. i personally find it extremely sexy to watch a guy stroke.. maybe she does too ?

 

Either way, you really should have a talk with her about your needs.

[Anah]

As for the uti.. my gyn advised me to go clean myself after sex when i was getting frequent UTI's after i had my kiddo. It helps prevent bacteria. So i would do a quick shower or use a squirt bottle or douche to rinse myself (not the spray bottle kind) it worked well.

[somanymistakes]

It can happen, some people are just way more prone to them than others, especially if one or the other of you doesn't have great hygiene. I had a friend who got a UTI every time her boyfriend used his fingers on her - they eventually started using gloves.

 

However, if your wife doesn't WANT to fix the problem, and it sounds like by now she's got nothing but bad associations with sex and really doesn't want to deal with it any more, it may be too late to resolve it.

 

Also, why the heck is your wife preventing you from masturbating? That's just cruel. Are you simply too embarrassed to do it with her in the house, or is she actually telling you no?

 

You shouldn't have to ignore your needs, but cheating behind her back without her permission isn't right either. She may find out eventually and that can bring her great pain. You need to talk to her about some kind of solution to meet your needs WITHOUT having to sneak around.

[coolheadal]

Hi everyone. I am new to the forums. I am in my mid-thirties and my wife is in her mid-forties. A couple of years ago she lost her sex drive. This was also due in part to her getting a UTI every time we had sex. She tried going off anti-depressants and getting special post-sex antibiotics. None of this helped. She still had no interest and still got sick after sex. So now all sex has ceased. We only had sex once this year. My sex drive is still very strong. I couldn't take it anymore at one point last year and had sex with a younger woman a few times. That ended fast as she met someone. I didn't really feel guilty after this as I can easily separate love from sex. The rest of our marriage is in good shape as we are still in love and I feel the need to take care of her. I would feel awful and depressed if I left. She is also always telling me that I am all that she has. We don't have kids, we tried, never happened. Here is my issue now. I have women that have invited me over for fun, but no way for me to get away without wife knowing something is up. This is beyond frustrating. My wife also recently quit her job, so I have zero freedom at all to even masturbate. I am a nice, hardworking guy, I shouldn't have to ignore my needs. I am just very lost at what to do. I will not make my Wife feel guilty either. Please don't judge. Thank you.

 

What's more important is sex than your marriage you already cheated on her a few times. Well then give her space and file for divorce. Otherwise you just not a happy man. What will happen to she'll have to go back to work and live like she does without a man. Those men who can't have sex might be better suited for her. You have no kids at this rate none with her. You need to be happy, you do to enjoy and you need to do whatever it takes. She's not for you anymore. Don't stay in a marriage you already broken your love to her with out women even if it didn't mean anything you fornicated with other women. So your marriage is null. Once you get a divorce don't bother to marry because your the type of man who cheating now you can be free to be a player.

[elaine567]

This -> Here's why you keep getting UTIs after sex | Metro News may be helpful.

Seems it is another bacteria that allows the Ecoli to invade.

 

But your wife getting better will not stop your thoughts of cheating on her.

What kind of a married men has offers of "fun" from other women?

One who is out touting for sex, that is who.

 

Get a divorce and have as much fun as you want.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Sexless,if your wife has no objection you could try masturbating against her while spooning with her. It would give you much needed relief and also feel something like the actual deed without the danger of giving her a UTI. In fact once in a while it may be enough to arouse her to have actual sex with her after which you advise her to follow the procedure suggested by Anah. Try it. it may help. Warm wishes.

[Overtaxed]

Hi Sexless,if your wife has no objection you could try masturbating against her while spooning with her. It would give you much needed relief and also feel something like the actual deed without the danger of giving her a UTI. In fact once in a while it may be enough to arouse her to have actual sex with her after which you advise her to follow the procedure suggested by Anah. Try it. it may help. Warm wishes.

 

Or (sorry if this has already been suggested) blow jobs? A lot of guys (myself included) like them as much/better than sex, no UTI possibility and it's obviously very intimate and fills the void.

[elaine567]

Or (sorry if this has already been suggested) blow jobs? A lot of guys (myself included) like them as much/better than sex, no UTI possibility and it's obviously very intimate and fills the void.

 

Maybe, but not for her necessarily.

The assumption is that she is shutting down because she doesn't want sex, but she may indeed want sex but her body is not behaving itself.

UTIs are miserable horrible things at the best of times and recurrent UTIs must be hell.

I think some people if "real" sex is not an option, find it best to shut down completely, as indulging in any sexual behaviour just underlines what they have lost.

 

Or as Bailey B said she may be perimenopausal and does not have a high libido any more and the recurrent UTIs killed off any residual desire stone dead. Not too many guys I guess would want sex if every time they had sex, they feel they need to pee every five minutes and when they do go it feels like they are peeing broken glass...

 

Some women find guys masturbating a huge turn on, but others are totally disgusted, so he needs to tread warily there.

[taiko]

Maybe, but not for her necessarily.

The assumption is that she is shutting down because she doesn't want sex, but she may indeed want sex but her body is not behaving itself.

UTIs are miserable horrible things at the best of times and recurrent UTIs must be hell.

I think some people if "real" sex is not an option, find it best to shut down completely, as indulging in any sexual behaviour just underlines what they have lost.

 

Or as Bailey B said she may be perimenopausal and does not have a high libido any more and the recurrent UTIs killed off any residual desire stone dead. Not too many guys I guess would want sex if every time they had sex, they feel they need to pee every five minutes and when they do go it feels like they are peeing broken glass...

 

Some women find guys masturbating a huge turn on, but others are totally disgusted, so he needs to tread warily there.

So the ideal making the best of a bad case situation it would be her giving a hand or a body to rub against, if not her mouth for whatever reasons, and helping him out instead of total shut down along with don't masturbate yourself.

 

My guess is the audio visual aid of porn might be a reason