Married boyfriend wants to leave his wife for me. Why is it so hard..

[NinnySmile]

My married ex-boyfriend called me 3 months after I broke up with him. He couldn't live without me anymore and is now asking his wife for a divorce (after confirming that I will love him again). His wife said she wants to leave immediately but he stopped her twice, saying they need to plan the split properly and not drastically for the sake of not impacting the kids (in fact she is not employed and would take the kids and move in with her parents if she left). I know he wants to be with me since we spend all our free time together and are so emotionally connected and recently planning our future together. But I also know he wants to avoid a big mess at home! Is it a good idea to tell him to just come back when he is officially split as this is now too heavy for me witness?

[1966Seahorse]

Hi NinnySmile,

 

You say:-

 

" ... Is it a good idea to tell him to just come back when he is officially split as this is now too heavy for me witness?"

 

Absolutely that is a good idea - yes!! He needs to deal with this on his own to show that the divorce from his wife is REALLY what he wants to do, with no back up plan in place, i.e. you

 

You also said:-

 

" ... and is now asking his wife for a divorce (after confirming that I will love him again) ..."

 

This is making alarm bells ring for me ... if he genuinely wanted to divorce his wife (and be separated from his children), he should be doing so for HIM - not because, again, he has you as back up

 

At the end of the day - as you know - you shouldn't be having an affair with a married man anyway ... so I would strongly suggest you go no contact (as in no contact 100%) and get on with your life. Obviously if he contacts you in the future WHEN AND IF he ever becomes single then it will be up to you whether you wish to proceed with a relationship with him.

 

I am sure you would not wish to be married (with children in tow or not) to find out that your husband was conducting an affair behind your back .... move on ... if he really does want to start a new life being SINGLE then let him get on with it.

 

Good luck!

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, stay away from him until he is actually divorced.

[usa1ah]

By all means. The two of you were made for each other. This will help his STBEXW as well, she will be able to actually find someone that loves her, unlike her cheating spouse.

 

Then in a few years you can come back and let us know how he has started cheating on you. You would not be the first to do this.

 

Good luck.

[burnt]

Hi Ninny,

Your post maybe more appropriate in the Other Women / Other Men section, as you will receive more helpful suggestions from people who have been or are in your position--i.e., involved in an affair with a married person.

 

At the least please read as many posts in that section to be more knowledgable about affair dynamics and typical outcomes from affair relationships.

 

Being involved in an affair, virtually everyone thinks that their story is very unique. Reading stories after stories after stories in the OW/OM section, you might realize what you are going through is not that special or unique and, more so, that the outcome might be more predicable than you may think.

 

There are several things in your post that glow with red flags:

 

1. Your MM is asking for the divorce, but HE is the one to stop his wife from leaving, not once, but twice. Yes, he has an excuse, but so do most married men when it comes to ending their marriage.

 

2. He needs confirmation of your love for him to leave his wife. In other words, he is monkey branching--not really wanting to end the marriage, but only if he can be with you. That's not love for YOU, that's convenience for HIM. That also tells me that his marriage can't be that bad after all.

 

3. His wife is unable to support herself, which means, on top of the guilt of ending a marriage and being unethical in committing adultery, he will also most likely soon face with yet another guilt of "feeling unmanly" for ditching his wife with his children for a mistress. These kinds of "guilts" usually can eat a man alive because they threaten the very "pride" of a man's character.

 

4. You say you two spend all your free time together--meaning both of you are in the honey-moon phase of your relationship feeling HIGH with nothing but rose-colored images of a happy future together. Once that dies down a bit, he will be hit with reality--that is, he lost a stable marriage, with family ties, dignity, and social status and stability all for temporary fluffy romantic feelings. He is most likely not thinking straight about what he is doing.

 

The thing is:

As most stories go, many of these married men do the planning, but when it comes to time actually leave their wives, majority don't and choose to reconcile. And of the remaining men who do actually leave their wives, yet most of them end up changing their minds, and dump their former mistresses only to crawl back into the arms of their wives with a genuine hope of reconciling the marriage.

 

So, to finally, answer your question:

 

YES, you should tell him that ONLY after the divorce has been finalized you are willing to engage with him.

 

But also keep in mind, even after the divorce is done, there is NO guarantee that he will not ditch you--either for his ex-wife or for newly found freedom to explore other women out there. It's the period after the separation of the marriage is even more messy and troubling in the sense that everybody is going through nothing but uncertainty about how long the affair relationship will last before the MM goes back to the wife.

 

On a final suggestion:

please look-up/read the phenomena referred to as: "affair-fog" and "future-faking".

 

Yes, of course your story could be one of the few exceptions as affair stories go, but statistically speaking, you most likely have set yourself up for debts of pain that you don't know can actually exist.

 

Educating yourself on the reality is probably the only self-defense you have right now. FYI: I am a former OW.

[NinnySmile]

Thank you all. Its not easy but i asked because maybe I know this is the best approach. Will also read up more as advised.

[usa1ah]

Thank you all. Its not easy but i asked because maybe I know this is the best approach. Will also read up more as advised.

 

NinnySmile I know I don’t know you. I do know one thing though that you haven’t figured out about yourself yet.

 

You are better then this.

 

You are worth more then being some guys..........

 

I hope you are not far from realizing this yourself.

[SpecialJ]

Is he only divorcing her because she wants it and is going to leave anyway? Did this happen because she found out about the affair? Fishy timing.

[coolheadal]

I wouldn't trust him if I was you. Cheated on the wife with you. He could do to you with another woman or go back to his wife even if he divorce her. Can't even trust him how could you. She only divorcing him because he cheated her with you. Your next to be cheated on sometime down the road. Your thumb will be down and not up for happiness. Your going to be sorry and now his kids. If a man who was married to his wife and he had kids don't you see he doesn't seem to care about them and allows the wife to have them. What happens if you want to have kids with him. That means he makes a lousy father he's already shown his wife he's lousy lying cheating husband. You except all of this then what would you do it he does with another woman and then you become in the same boat as his wife. Doesn't seem to 100% truthful. Anyway it's up to you do keep him or let be. If you let be and he gets the divorce, he'll be on his own in shame and labeled as cheating husband, well then divorce cheating husband.