Why Meeting People Is So Hard

[ZA Dater]

I went to an anime convention this year. It was very close to 50% female. The only women I met above 35 were bringing their kids and generally looked bored with the whole thing.

 

But... I don't think this will be a problem for the OP meeting people because younger women are into these things as well.

 

 

 

His experience does not match what I am told of many other guys in online dating. A 1 in 10 response rate is pretty good for a guy to my opinion. A 50% meetup rate off that is equally impressive. What I hear from average guys is typically 1000 messages, 10 responses 2 meetups.

 

Also... you can't find 20 attractive guys? That is crazy. You are likely too judgmental.

 

FYI I am guy looking for ladies. Not judgemental but more specific as to what I like and what I don't like but I can speak because I do what the OP does, though I work on projects and work, for me a more constructive use of time than going to a club hoping I might meet someone fantastic or generally going out to socialise about small talk.

 

 

In terms of the OP he has the most potential to meet people while studying, its arguably the best time to find friends too.

 

 

As with everything its balance and you need to actually tell yourself you can do something rather than give up before you start. Even if you have a total lack of success there will be some good to be found from the whole thing.

 

 

Ultimately people need to find reasons to be happy rather than reasons to be unhappy. Its easy to feel bad about being dateless and get lost in the mire of being so different to everyone else but you can also embrace that and simply live on your own terms rather than being prescribed to be what people deem to be "normal".

 

 

OP absolutely wont meet anyone sitting at home though, of that there is no question. Gaming is a fairly universal interest so use that. Its extremely important to have people relate to you because the moment they don't everything falls apart and probably one of the multitude of reasons I have never been able to enjoy success at dating.

[normal person]

Ultimately people need to find reasons to be happy rather than reasons to be unhappy. Its easy to feel bad about being dateless and get lost in the mire of being so different to everyone else but you can also embrace that and simply live on your own terms rather than being prescribed to be what people deem to be "normal".

 

He is living on his own terms, though. He doesn't stay home to be different or embrace a particular identity, he just does it because it's comfortable. Yet he's still not happy because he desires women.

 

This really has nothing to do with doing what's "normal" or not, or "being yourself," it's about doing what's necessary or practical to get what you desire. In this particular case, it coincidentally happens to be what some people call "normal." If OP desired to be the world's greatest video game player, but he couldn't focus on it because he couldn't stop going to the bar to pick up women, I'd say he has the same problem and give him the same advice. If you want something, whatever it is, regardless of others' opinions, it won't happen unless you work for it, make sacrifices, and compromises.

 

You're conflating happiness with safety and comfort. He has the videogames and the nights in and he's still not happy. He's just safe from his fears. But he still started the thread indicating that he's not fulfilled. So maybe he should ditch the comfort of the familiar escapism and do something difficult to try and achieve the happiness he doesn't yet have. Not because of what other people think is normal, because it's what he actually wants but is too afraid to do.

[ZA Dater]

He is living on his own terms, though. He doesn't stay home to be different or embrace a particular identity, he just does it because it's comfortable. Yet he's still not happy because he desires women.

 

This really has nothing to do with doing what's "normal" or not, or "being yourself," it's about doing what's necessary or practical to get what you desire. In this particular case, it coincidentally happens to be what some people call "normal." If OP desired to be the world's greatest video game player, but he couldn't focus on it because he couldn't stop going to the bar to pick up women, I'd say he has the same problem and give him the same advice. If you want something, whatever it is, regardless of others' opinions, it won't happen unless you work for it, make sacrifices, and compromises.

 

You're conflating happiness with safety and comfort. He has the videogames and the nights in and he's still not happy. He's just safe from his fears. But he still started the thread indicating that he's not fulfilled. So maybe he should ditch the comfort of the familiar escapism and do something difficult to try and achieve the happiness he doesn't yet have. Not because of what other people think is normal, because it's what he actually wants but is too afraid to do.

 

 

I don't think happiness can be defined by dating success, there are a many things which can make a person happy, doesn't have be dating. If the OP is unhappy purely because he doesn't date then I would say there are more fundamental life problems because even single people are happy some of the time.

 

 

Sure, go out and do the necessary but at least go out as a happy person not a sad one, people don't react well to the latter.

 

 

In my opinion dating is one of the very few endeavours where more effort actually doesn't yield better results, in fact I would go so far to say there are many better ways of spending time than pursuing people and hoping they like you back. Think about this, why chase people who aren't going to like, study work hard, amass "things", find a degree of success and maybe it would be easier to attract people. If you find nobody at least you still have the success and the focus to accomplish things.

 

 

For all my lack of dating success I learnt one important thing which is relevant to the OP, you need to believe you can succeed even if you aren't enjoying success. Enjoy the small things, perhaps eye contact with someone really attractive, that perhaps short conversation with some random person.

 

 

I still believe that some people are actually not capable of dating, whether its a social issue, nervousness, shyness or all of those things and more besides, some people simply cannot actually get it right when judged to a societal norm.

[normal person]

I don't think happiness can be defined by dating success, there are a many things which can make a person happy, doesn't have be dating.

 

Maybe if people had more fulfilling, rewarding, ways of spending their time they might feel happier and other people would be more inclined to date them as a result of both. I don't think the path to happiness is to sit at home afraid of the world.

 

In my opinion dating is one of the very few endeavours where more effort actually doesn't yield better results, in fact I would go so far to say there are many better ways of spending time than pursuing people and hoping they like you back.

 

I'm not suggesting people blindly chase others and "hope" they like the person back. I'm suggesting they find fulfilling, challenging, non-escapist uses of their time and be happier, especially when it yields more appeal to other people. I'm saying become a better person, spend your time more wisely, improve yourself, you'll feel happier, and people will probably like you better as a result.

 

Think about this, why chase people who aren't going to like, study work hard, amass "things", find a degree of success and maybe it would be easier to attract people. If you find nobody at least you still have the success and the focus to accomplish things.

 

Personal opinion, but a life spent challenging yourself, working hard, striving for success, and achieving things is much better spent than one in front of a television achieving nothing and being afraid of trying. Surely life is more gratifying in hard fought victory than in safe complacency.

 

Look, if you, OP, or anyone is happy in your own way, fine, I think that's great. If you're not, I suggest you/he/they stop complaining about it and do something practical to fix it. I've given some suggestions.

[Mysterio]

Here is my experiance from 18 to 46- my current age.

 

When I Mysterio. Don't make any major effort. When the women come towards me. The relationship, although short lived seems to go my way.

 

When I put feelers out or make more of a bold atempt. Its always met with Obsctacles.

 

That means I really should let love come to me. I don't need to go seek it out. I don't think I am missing out much. I have two women friends that I am close to. I have a couple of other women friends as well.

 

So I think I am not going to go out of my way to make a new woman friend. We are either dating or aquaintances.

 

Its almost like the people on this board are wanting to put thought to their love lives. Yet the Universe is telling us not to and we just have to wait.

 

Ok so be it. Beats trying to do things that make us un-happy. For me. I am not gung ho about the dating process. I never feel that the women around me are open to that with any men. Unless they are single mothers who's relationships have gone away and they want, someone new.

[GuitarGuy7]

I'm 22 almost 23 and don't have any dating experience other than going on a few dates this year. Growing up, I wasn't even able to talk to women. I wasn't able to have a conversation with a girl until I was 20 years old and since I didn't start college until I was 21, I wasn't meeting any women anywhere.

 

Iv'e tried online dating sites but I don't like it because if you're a man, you have to be very attractive and interesting to get enough matches for it to be worth it and i'm only average in looks. When I started off on Tinder, I was getting ghosted by every single girl I was matching with and I became very discouraged. I tried OkCupid and Plenty of Fish. I would message 40 women and only 2 would respond? Iv'e figured that online dating isn't for me.

 

I want to find someone but the problem is, I don't know where to look. Any places or suggestions to meet women other than online dating? I really want to find someone.

[thefooloftheyear]

They're everywhere, man.....open your eyes..

 

TFY

[warp123]

Join group activities with people with the same passion as you... trekking, martial arts, cooking classes... you name it

 

Man up and approach that random girl you like

 

Friends of friends

 

Sometimes, they may be around you on purpose expecting you to contact them. Check for signals.

 

 

I hate online, its exactly what you describe. Im attractive but look damn awful on photos, so i dont have any chances online, anyways most girls on online dating sites are sluts.

Edited November 4, 2017 by warp123

[SammySammy]

Where they are. Everywhere.

[alphamale]

at this tender age you should be concentrating on your studies and not bagging chicks. you'll have plenty of time for women onces you get your degree and a good job

[SammySammy]

at this tender age you should be concentrating on your studies and not bagging chicks. you'll have plenty of time for women onces you get your degree and a good job

 

Disagree.

 

If I could do it all over again, I'd do both. Make the best grades I could. But, people say college is the the best time of your life for a reason. I had fun during college. I'd have more fun if I could do it all over again. To say the least ....

 

[normal person]

I want to find someone but the problem is, I don't know where to look. Any places or suggestions to meet women other than online dating? I really want to find someone.

 

People met before the internet. You're 22, just go to the bar. There will be tons of single women there looking to meet guys. Mystery solved.

[carhill]

Female friends usually have good suggestions tailored to your demographic. Since you're now a couple years down the road from being able to comfortably talk to women, establish some friendships with women and use them as part of your network to meet dating potentials.

[alphamale]

go to meetup.com

[basil67]

Following on from this thread you wrote http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/639530-why-meeting-people-so-hard

 

You're in college. At this point, you will have more women around you than pretty much any other time in your life. Get involved in clubs and meet people. Extend your social circle. Go to parties and to see music with your cohort. Get yourself out there.

 

Lastly, expand who you are willing to date. As you describe yourself as 'average' in looks, you can't afford to continue with your current level of physical expectations of a woman.

[CptInsano]

[...]

Lastly, expand who you are willing to date. As you describe yourself as 'average' in looks, you can't afford to continue with your current level of physical expectations of a woman.

 

I wouldn't even describe it as a level. Maybe you he gets to appreciate women who look different than his current ideal. He might even be happier in the end with the alternate choice.

[warp123]

I wouldn't even describe it as a level. Maybe you he gets to appreciate women who look different than his current ideal. He might even be happier in the end with the alternate choice.

 

Ive been told something similar lately.

 

But at least from my experience from the 3 relationships ive had, my favourite was the one with the features i look for in a woman. The other 2 were just little more than physical attraction and being caring to each other.

 

Its easy to say to be more open, but for me it just doesnt work and it happens to many people i know.

Edited November 4, 2017 by warp123

[Cookiesandough]

College class, School Function, Friend, Friend's Friend, Family, Business Associate, Work, Business Convention, Gym, Book Store, Grocery Store, Shopping Mall, Bar, Volunteering, Cleaners, Concert, Art Exhibit, Art Gallery, Fair, Amusement Park, Bank, Wedding, Sporting Events, Club, Sex Shop, Strip Club, Chamber of Commerce, Car Wash, Restaurant, PTA Meeting, Beach, River, Lake, Pond, Clothing Store, Park, Party, Rave, Festival, Intramural Sports, Personal Ad, Music Store, Electronics Store, Dance Club, Civic Event, Dating Service, Sidewalk, Neighbor, Movies, Political Event, Museum, Head Shop, Health Food Store, Office, Night Classes, Skating Rink, Laser Light Show, Bowling Alley, Rock Climbing Gym, Hiking Trail, Running Marathon, Bowling, Play, Symphony, Aquarium, Zoo, Rehab, Pet Store, Mini Golf, Botanical Garden, etc.

Edited November 4, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[CptInsano]

Ive been told something similar lately.

 

But at least from my experience from the 3 relationships ive had, my favourite was the one with the features i look for in a woman. The other 2 were just little more than physical attraction and being caring to each other.

 

That is an awfully small sample size.

 

Its easy to say to be more open, but for me it just doesnt work and it happens to many people i know.

 

Are you willing to handle what that means? I have spoken to people in their 50s who are still chasing the ones that they a) cannot have or more frequently b) that they are ultimately not compatible with.

[thefooloftheyear]

College class, School Function, Friend, Friend's Friend, Family, Business Associate, Work, Business Convention, Gym, Book Store, Grocery Store, Shopping Mall, Bar, Volunteering, Cleaners, Concert, Art Exhibit, Art Gallery, Fair, Amusement Park, Bank, Wedding, Sporting Events, Club, Sex Shop, Strip Club, Chamber of Commerce, Car Wash, Restaurant, PTA Meeting, Beach, River, Lake, Pond, Clothing Store, Park, Party, Rave, Festival, Intramural Sports, Personal Ad, Music Store, Electronics Store, Dance Club, Civic Event, Dating Service, Sidewalk, Neighbor, Movies, Political Event, Museum, Head Shop, Health Food Store, Office, Night Classes, Skating Rink, Laser Light Show, Bowling Alley, Rock Climbing Gym, Hiking Trail, Running Marathon, Bowling, Play, Symphony, Aquarium, Zoo, Rehab, Pet Store, Mini Golf, Botanical Garden, etc.

 

 

.....And a Partridge in a pear tree....

 

TFY

[Sammichmaker]

Good luck trying to meet women at these. Women don’t like to be dusrupted when going about their lives.

 

Sure, just ignore the fact that all that was typed by a woman either way, no woman would see it as being a disruption if they were single and the individual was someone they found to be attractive.

[basil67]

Good luck trying to meet women at these. Women don’t like to be dusrupted when going about their lives.

 

haha, you didn't read all of that list.

 

While it is true that I've never liked being hit on while going about my life - like say, grocery shopping - many of the things on this list are social events. Speaking to people at a social event is not disrupting someone's life - it's good manners.

[warp123]

College class, School Function, Friend, Friend's Friend, Family, Business Associate, Work, Business Convention, Gym, Book Store, Grocery Store, Shopping Mall, Bar, Volunteering, Cleaners, Concert, Art Exhibit, Art Gallery, Fair, Amusement Park, Bank, Wedding, Sporting Events, Club, Sex Shop, Strip Club, Chamber of Commerce, Car Wash, Restaurant, PTA Meeting, Beach, River, Lake, Pond, Clothing Store, Park, Party, Rave, Festival, Intramural Sports, Personal Ad, Music Store, Electronics Store, Dance Club, Civic Event, Dating Service, Sidewalk, Neighbor, Movies, Political Event, Museum, Head Shop, Health Food Store, Office, Night Classes, Skating Rink, Laser Light Show, Bowling Alley, Rock Climbing Gym, Hiking Trail, Running Marathon, Bowling, Play, Symphony, Aquarium, Zoo, Rehab, Pet Store, Mini Golf, Botanical Garden, etc.

 

Good list, but i would totally avoid anybody from your workplace, if things get heated at home you have to see each other at work or vice versa it will affect you.

[CptInsano]

Good luck trying to meet women at these. Women don’t like to be dusrupted when going about their lives.

 

If you add public transportation, waiting rooms, and a computer game to list Cookie's post would cover all the places where I met my girlfriends.

 

People in public usually just go about their business. That is not much of an indication on whether they want to talk or not. They are doing something else at the moment. You will find both extremes, some don't want to talk at all and some are really happy about it.

Edited November 5, 2017 by CptInsano

[hotpotato]

I don't think some people realize how hard it is for some people to meet others to date. Finding someone you like, who happens to be single and wants the same type of relationship you do, and also happens to like you back can be hard for a lot of people.

 

If you're the nerdy introverted type who'd rather sit on the couch and play video game then go out to "da club" with your homedogs, then it's harder to meet people to date because you're not the type who goes out much. Why would I want to go to a bar and try to pickup girls and get rejected in favor of tall buff dudes, when I can have way more fun playing League of Legends in the comfort of my own home? I don't care what anybody says, rejection hurts. (especially when it's in favor of tall buff dudes)

 

And let's just say you're in school and you're in a classroom of 25 people. Well chances are, there may only be 1 or 2 girls in that class whom you're attracted to. If you were to strike up a conversation with them, chances are low that they happen to be single and are attracted to you enough to want to go on a date with you.

 

There's always the option of online dating, but online dating is a destroyer of confidence for many average men who don't resemble a greek god. Unlike decently attractive women who can virtually match with every single guy who are ready to have sex at moments notice, most guys will have to swipe right again and again and again and again and again and again -gasp- and STILL only get anywhere from 20-50 matches assuming he's swiping right to every girl. And let's just say he messages 20 of these girls, only which half of them respond, and then another half ghost him mid conversation. He asks the remaining 5 girls out on a date, which only 2 of them actually show up to the date. The other 3 flake.

 

Online dating is a crap hole for men unless you're in the top 10% of male attractiveness.

 

 

Especially as you get older and people start getting married off. You think being single at 30 is bad? Trying being a 30 year old dateless virgin who's options are single moms or those looking to settle down. No hating on single moms or those looking to get married, but most people who are starting out in the dating world arne't looking to get married to the first person they see naked.

 

Only one or two??? You must have very stringent standards. Most women are at least decent looking, and I dont usually see unattractive young women. This is coming from a straight woman!