friends or foes

[BluEyeL]

Hi all, I have a friendship question here. It's complicated and I will try to be as short as possible.

 

I've been on an online forum like this one about 15 yrs ago until I moved on to Facebook about 2005-2007ish. I made friends on that forum and with a group of four we made a little Facebook secret group where we were sharing our day to day lives and issues.

 

We started meeting and all was great at first. I have a son who is 15 now. I got divorced when he was 6 and raised him alone. My friends knew my life in detail and I knew at least some details of theirs.

 

In November 2012 we met at my house for thanksgiving and it was nice. But I found that one friend of the group, let's call her A, was trying to get another one, M, to herself . That's where the trouble began. A was desperate for exclusive attention from M. Starting then I felt a rift I. The grout with me and the other two girls, S and B, being somewhat separated from A and M, who seemed to be like a thing of sorts.

 

I started dating in 2013 and I started to feel singled out in that group. I felt some hostility building, some contempt , which escalated with gossiping behind my back and even extrem rudeness to my face by A. I felt always that M was instigating A to attack me. I was very hurt. I over shared there because I felt safe and what I shared started to be used against me.I did also respond aggressively myself when I was attacked. It all blew up in 2016 summer when after hearing some very mean things that A said about me, I exited the group and ended the friendship. But wanted to stay friends with S and B. I met up with them a couple more times but they seemed a bit distant on Facebook. I found someone great and got married three months ago. When I broke up with A and M we were engaged. I'm very happy and have a great career, happy kid and I'm now happily married too.

 

Now it looks like they replaced me with someone else some other woman and they met this weekend and it's in my face all over Facebook.

 

I'm sad that S, who I thought was still my friend, is still so close to the queen bee A and her sidekick M. It means she agrees with the mean things they are saying about me. It hurts because I feel it's unfair and I was bullied and S is on the bullies side.

 

What should I do about S? I'm going to be in S's town in November . Should I let her know I'm there and ask if she wants to meet, or just ignore her and treat her like our friendship is over? I'm concerned that if I ignore her, the mean A and M will use it S evidence that I "use people ", because thats one of the things they say about me (not true at all) because S used to invite my son to her home , which is in a desirable touristic location , because our sons got along great . And I accepted and sent him. But I didn't "use " her. He was invited I sent him and I did my best to repay my debt . For example I paid for Ss hotel room when we went on one of the last "group " trips, among other things.

 

Also what should I do on Facebook hide Ss posts so it doesn't hurt me when I see them rubbing their "friendship " in my face in the future?

 

I apologize for the typos .

Edited October 23, 2017 by BluEyeL

[JuneL]

Is M a guy? Do you have any idea why A (and M) didn't like you?

[BluEyeL]

Nobody is a guy in this scenario. I don't know exactly why they didn't like me anymore I know I didn't do anything to them but maybe I did offend them. As the situation escalated I responded to attacks in a way that may have been offfensive but I'm not sure why they started.

 

I wonder if I should now cut off S or what should I do.

[JuneL]

My take is that there is no need to cut S off completely. Treat her like a friend, but don't overshare. I don't think she has to take side.

[BluEyeL]

Thanks June. I guess I'll contact her to tell her I'm in her town and it's going to be up to her if she meets or not. It really hurt being singled out and excluded and I'm afraid that if I tell S I'm in town and she doesn't want to meet it'll hurt again.

 

But if I don't tell her I'm there and she finds out I think they will say, see, she didn't need you anymore and she cut you off, which is so untrue. I never used anyone at least not with intention.

 

They distort things like the one about me sending my son to S. He was always invited I never suggested it. If other things happened in my life that were good, it didn't happen because I've hurt anyone. I just worked hard at everything. But that's what I heard from a third party they say about me, among other things. I wish I didn't see them on Facebook.

Edited October 23, 2017 by BluEyeL

[iVisa]

It's very hard to have a friends who don't like each other. If S didn't do anything against you contact her and tell her you are in her town. You will see her reaction and can deduce. Maybe we will be friend despite of this everything, but if she don't be happy that you want to meet just give it up and forget. You can find another friends.

 

Good luck

[preraph]

I would see if she is interested in getting together while you're in town. Be considerate and realize she probably works and don't just assume because you're in town, she can drop everything. See how that goes, but do NOT, do NOT, even try to talk about your problems with the group with her. What is more convincing: acting like a happy person who is oblivious to the exclusionary things being done to her or complaining about it? Which puts you in a better light, a less culpable light? So obviously, just concentrate on positive news and having fun, and you never know, it might gain you a closer friend. Don't even talk about those two. Stay totally neutral when she does. Be cheery.