How do you forgive yourself/stop feeling guilty?

[Throwawayaccount12]

So it's been almost 6 months since being dumped by someone I thought loved me, lol. Sigh.

 

It was a messy breakup because although I first understood and wanted the best for her, all her 'reasons' were just words to basically make her look less like an ass. There was someone else in the background, and it took her literally 9 days after dumping me to start dating them and ****ing them. Ouch my heart.

 

I sent a really angry and hurtful message full of insults after being disrespected so much in the most disgusting way possible. I've regretted it ever since.

 

I tried to apologise numerous times, but she just screamed at me over and over again.

 

The last time I tried to talk to her, she started screaming at me to my face in front of her coworker. I decided then to give up for good. No matter what I did, I do not deserve constant abuse. I've tried to make it up to her, I punish myself literally everyday, so I do not need or deserve her abusing me, too. Yes, I see the hypocracy and irony. I sent a long email telling her what I've been trying to say to her for months - nothing abusive or angry, just saying everything i needed to so I dont try to see her or talk to her again. I told her how I understand what I did wrong throughout the relationship, what she did wrong, apologised for my behaviour, and wrote how she disrespected me in such a way that it was unfathomable.

 

It's been... 2 almost 3 months no contact. I still want her back someday, I'm still emotionally scarred by what she did. I still feel guilty everyday for what I did, because I hurt the one I loved more than anything.

 

I don't know how to stop punishing myself for hurting her the way I did. I try to remind myself that she pretty much cheated on me, but then it makes me wonder if everything she said was a lie. That every time I kissed her, she was thinking of the other person. Every time she said she loved me, she didnt mean it. She told me the day she dumped me she loved me, drove to see me, dumped me.

 

I'm doing my best to move on. I've been going out and meeting new people and I think I'm developing a bit of a crush on someone, even though I only want something casual.

 

But I don't know how I'm supposed to forgive myself. I dont even know if I deserve forgiveness from what I did.

 

I want her back, but I know if she ever does come back - she told me she doesnt want to or plan to come back, lol, i'm delusional - that it wont be without boundaries.

 

 

Basically, I feel stuck. I don't know what to do anymore.

[TheBathWater]

Well, I can only go off what you wrote here, but it sounds like the kind of relationship where two people screw up A LOT! That doesn't mean it couldn't have worked out, but it has to feel right enough so that both people want it to work.

 

Only you know deep down the ways in which you screwed up. I'm not saying it's your fault, but hopefully you learned some things from this relationship that will help you somehow in your next one. I always find that whatever lessons we learn from our last relationship always outweigh the loss.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to beat yourself up over it in the long run. It's okay to be angry and hurt, at her and with yourself. Feel your feelings, learn from the situation, and continue to work on yourself and date new women so that you can prepare yourself for the next great love of your life. I'm speaking for the both of us here, because I'm still hung up on an ex too. I know, it sucks, but it will get easier with time if you commit to working on being your best self and trusting that there is better out there waiting to be found.

 

Hang in there.

Edited October 23, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[Cookiesandough]

:Cries: I dont know. I broke up with my ex. I'm not sure how I'll forgive myself for not handling it better. i didn't think I needed him at the time. I guess I still dont but I want him.

[Frostedflake]

Truth is, it doesn't matter how you handled it.

It does for your own peace and feeling good about yourself, yes. But for the relationship? Doesn't matter.

The moment she decided to throw it away and move onto someone new, you had no say in the matter.

 

Now all you can do is be better.

Learn how to control your anger. Recognize that in most situations no reaction is the best reaction. From this day on make different choices in words and actions.

[newmoon]

you become a better person for the next person and make sure you don't treat them as you treated your ex. it may no longer matter what happened in that relationship but it will matter who you are for the next one. forgive yourself by growing and learning.

[MomLeslieM]

You have to give yourself time...it's a grief process, even though no one died the relationship died. It takes different times for different people too. Like newmoon said, you also grow and learn from it and become a better person. You have to forgive yourself to move forward. I always try to look at things as having happened for a reason - the reason here being you must not have been meant to be together and that's OK even though it doesn't seem like it right now. Each day take try to take one more step forward....