Would like some insight bc I want to leave

[HeyLittleOne]

Husband and I married 12 years, together 14. Right after we got engaged, his porn addiction surfaced. I wigged out because I had told myself after watching my mother go through it, that I would NEVER marry someone with an addiction problem. But he and others convinced me to stay and forgive him since he was genuinely sorry and give our relationship a chance. So I did, thinking that was the end of it. Well the problem resurfaced a few times again over the next few years, even including an account on an "adult friend finder" site that he never fully came clean about and lied to cover up. I did see that he deleted it shortly though. But he always promised to do better, be better, stop looking at the porn, etc.

 

Well fast forward almost 10 years later, we are growing apart. On our 10 year anniversary, we were at the beach. Every morning I went down to the ocean - by myself while he slept. He still apologizes for this, but it still happened. I love to work out, he does it because I want him to, but doesn't enjoy it. I told him to get help for his addiction to porn, and he would for a little bit then stop going, and inevitably, fall back into it again a year later or so. I forgave over and over even as he neglected my emotional needs and didn't want to spend much time with me. He then went from porn to food and smoking hookah. Then progressed to alcohol, getting drunk every night for a year until I literally almost left him. He straightened up real quick after that and stopped the drinking. I had gotten so depressed and angry while he was in the throws of his drinking that I almost slept with a man that I worked with at the time. It got a little physical, but not full-blown sex. He found about about it months later and was mad, but not like, furious. He acknowledges his part in it.

 

So fast forward to now. He has been "clean" for almost a year with no drinking and no porn that I can tell. But the kicker is I have walled off myself so much from him emotionally that I cannot trust him again and cannot feel "in love" with him again no matter how hard I try. And, I cannot seem to keep myself from having connections with other men. Nothing physical, but not something a committed wife should do. I have given it almost a year, and I just honestly don't even want to try anymore because I fear relapse so much. I never wanted this - dealing with addiction. I want out, but fear for our children ages 6 and 8. What do you think? Any insight for me? I feel so torn. Sometimes I feel the connection coming back, and other times I feel like it never will and I will always doubt him and fear the worst happening and would love to move on with my life without worrying about his addictions. He has never been physically or verbally abusive, either. He does want to be a minister, which I also find a bit ironic. There is also SO SO much resentment for the fact that I did not realize he had an addiction problem, neglecting my needs, me never feeling heard because he never followed through with what he said he was going to do to fix things, not paying bills on time, not showering, and very importantly being so co-dependent that he kept me in a town where I could not get around without him since I cannot drive due to my vision. So yeah, there is a lot here.

[HeyLittleOne]

The kicker now is that suddenly after I almost left, and after 12 years, he is finally making positive changes. Paying bills. Showering regularly. No more drinking or porn. And working out a little. Being so loving and doting & treating me like a queen. But I still find myself resenting everything he does, good or bad. Too little too late? And still my over arching fear that he'll relapse, esp with the drinking which I could NOT deal with.

Edited October 23, 2017 by HeyLittleOne

[Just a Guy]

Hi Heylittleone, yours is a sad story and I think that your husband the line you drew in the sand a long time ago. As they say in the field of Mechanics, everything has an elastic limit. If one pulls or twists the material within it's elastic limit it will gradually recover it's original shape or size. However pull or twist it beyond the elastic limit and it will forever become elongated or distorted and will not go back to what it was before. I think in your case this is what has happened. Your husband is now the ideal poster boy but his previous behaviour put such a strain on you that you are now distorted in your view of him and can never view him as you did when you first met him.

 

If that be the case then I would think it best that you divorce because additionally, you have apparently subconsciously started replacing him in that you have started making connections with other men which can become inappropriate at any time. I think these two factors alone would mandate that you divorce while you can still hold your head high rather than add fuel to the fire by cheating on your husband while still married to him. Not much else to say since I do not see any chance of you being able to reset successfully to your original dynamic with him. Warm wishes.

[HeyLittleOne]

Thank you so much for the kind response. Wow that's a great analogy too. I think I am mostly looking for validation at this point I guess and your post has helped me see it for what it is and reassure me. I really do dread hurting him by saying I want a divorce but he deserves true happiness too which he won't understand until much later most likely. We are both Christians and never thought we'd be on the brink, yet here we are. You're right, it is sad. . Thanks again. <3

[Hecan]

So sorry you find yourself here.

Can you tell us all the ways he doesn't meet your needs? I'm not talking about his addiction. That is a lifelong process and his cross to bear. What needs is he not meeting?

What needs of his do you meet? What needs if his might you not be meeting. One thing is clear. People with addictive personalities find something Ti feed their addiction. Sometimes they feed it with positive and it keeps them on the positive path. Other times they feed it with negative, like his year of drinking which leads to destruction. Think about it and TALK to him.

Marriage has many hard knocks along the way and anyone that thinks they have the answers finds out tomorrow that they actually knew nothing.

Here s where I challenge you. I do not by the ILYBINILWY... When you stay together you have to be willing to fall in love again... And again ... And again. Talk to him. State your needs bluntly. Find out what his are. Get outside help if you need to. Think about your children. Then make decisions on how to proceed forward. It doesn't get easier ... Butbwhatvworth having is easy.

Stay strong !!!

[elaine567]

All very well to "contemplate" leaving but you now need to start really investigating the practicalities and how possible it would really be?

Do you work?

Do you have any assets or money?

How would you care for your children as a single parent?

Do you have any friend/family support?

Where would you live?

Etc. etc.

 

Too many spend years "leaving" to the detriment of everything including their own mental welfare.

If you are leaving then you need to get your ducks in a row, get that job or organise training or set up that business and make it happen. As your husband is somewhat unstable then it may be YOU that ends up raising these kids on your own so you need to be prepared for that.

Consult a lawyer, find out about your real rights and take it from there.

Weigh up the pros and cons and make an informed decision.

YOU have free wheeled long enough.

All in or all out.

This limbo is no good for anyone.

[HeyLittleOne]

Thanks for your perspective, both of you.

 

As far as my needs that he would not need, it included spending quality time together. I was always the one planning our dates, weekends away, etc. It just wasn't a priority to him. I would offer to go with him to his garage sale Saturday, and he would say he just wants to go alone. I would suggest watching movies or TV shows together in the evenings, but he would just blow it off. I have wanted to move to a bigger city where I can be more independent since I can't drive, and he has dragged his feet on that for years, and even admitted to me that he likes having me depend on him. I gave him sex any time he wanted it and at times even had a higher drive than he did. Even despite him looking at porn. The year of the drinking was the worst, because he blew me off the most then, obviously so that he could and drink every night.

 

All of a sudden now after 12 years he is putting in so much effort and trying to initiate spending time together, and lavishing me with love and everything else, but I'm just over it now. It's been almost a year and I just can't bring myself to recommit to him. I resent everything that he does now. I feel myself sometimes falling back in love, but it terrifies me because I could not handle a relapse, which I know is a very real possibility.

[HeyLittleOne]

Thank you, those are definitely things I am starting to think about and contemplate. It would involve me taking my kids and moving closer to my family for support, and so that I can be more independent with better access to transportation and things. I want them to have a relationship with their father though, so I am definitely open to him having visitation, as long as I know he's not drinking or anything. So I guess even if we split, I still have to worry about that to some extent.

[newmoon]

All of a sudden now after 12 years he is putting in so much effort and trying to initiate spending time together, and lavishing me with love and everything else, but I'm just over it now. It's been almost a year and I just can't bring myself to recommit to him. I resent everything that he does now. I feel myself sometimes falling back in love, but it terrifies me because I could not handle a relapse, which I know is a very real possibility.

 

have you told him any of this? it doesn't sound like a must-divorce situation, but more of a forgiveness issue. you have to release the resentment for the things he didn't do while he was drinking and etc. and find a way to move forward from that and accept the person he's trying to become. there is no way to know when someone might relapse - my dad quit smoking for 20 years and one day just started again. people can revert back to an addiction at any time, and it sounds like that's your biggest fear b/c of your family history. you're blocking yourself off emotionally because you just don't want to be hurt if he relapses.

[newmoon]

All of a sudden now after 12 years he is putting in so much effort and trying to initiate spending time together, and lavishing me with love and everything else, but I'm just over it now. It's been almost a year and I just can't bring myself to recommit to him. I resent everything that he does now. I feel myself sometimes falling back in love, but it terrifies me because I could not handle a relapse, which I know is a very real possibility.

 

have you told him any of this? it doesn't sound like a must-divorce situation, but more of a forgiveness issue. you have to release the resentment for the things he didn't do while he was drinking and etc. and find a way to move forward from that and accept the person he's trying to become. there is no way to know when someone might relapse - my dad quit smoking for 20 years and one day just started again. people can revert back to an addiction at any time, and it sounds like that's your biggest fear b/c of your family history. you're blocking yourself off emotionally because you just don't want to be hurt if he relapses. it definitely sounds like you checked out a while ago but it sounds like out of fear of being hurt and not necessarily lack of love.

[HeyLittleOne]

Yes I do believe a lot of it is fear based on what I went through with my former step dad. Things only got worse with his relapses. And addiction was originally a deal-breaker for me because of that. I feel like I've given all the chances I can give and want to protect myself and my children.

[HeyLittleOne]

And yes I've told him this. I just don't trust his word anymore, and don't trust that his actions will be long-term.

[elaine567]

And yes I've told him this. I just don't trust his word anymore, and don't trust that his actions will be long-term.

 

The big problem you have is how quickly he went from porn to food to hookah to alcohol. I can easily see why you cannot trust him long term.

 

He definitely has an addictive personality, so whilst he may appear "clean" what is feeding his need for an addiction now?

I may be completely wrong but I guess he is back to the porn or has found something else.

Has he ever had professional help?

[HeyLittleOne]

Has he ever had professional help?

 

Yes, here and there. He either thought it wasn't helping him, or he thought he was doing good enough on his own, or with a church mentor, which is the case right now. Even though I have urged him to get more specialized individual addiction therapy. He doesn't think he needs it.

[stillafool]

I doubt very seriously he will change and certainly not give up the porn. If you want happiness seek a divorce.

[Undercoverirish]

So sorry to hear the situation you're in.

 

You mentioned adult friend finder - but do you k ow much about that site? It's not porn... its where you meet people for sex. Had your hiand been faithful to you? IMO, men only join those sites if they are trying to meet women for sex. Simple. So perhaps it's more than just a porn addiction?

 

I'm comfortable with porn so long as it downs interfere with life, but everyone has different boundaries. However sex websites is a step too far even for me.

[HeyLittleOne]

So sorry to hear the situation you're in.

 

You mentioned adult friend finder - but do you k ow much about that site? It's not porn... its where you meet people for sex. Had your hiand been faithful to you? IMO, men only join those sites if they are trying to meet women for sex. Simple. So perhaps it's more than just a porn addiction?

 

I'm comfortable with porn so long as it downs interfere with life, but everyone has different boundaries. However sex websites is a step too far even for me.

 

Yes I knew that's what it was, but I've never had any other evidence that he's actuallly cheated or tried to. He only had the account open for a few weeks according to email snooping I did. Ha. This was also like 10 years ago. I thought maybe he was curious or used pics from it or something. Also was an example of his lying. He never truly came clean about his reasons for having the acct and lied to cover up lies esp by bringing his family member into it. I questioned her and she had no clue about it and was furious that she was dragged into it by him.

[standtall]

Am I missing something...he watches porn and you almost banged somebody else? Wow...pot calling the kettle black it seems...just sayin. Good luck finding a man that doesn't watch even a little porn...the hen pecked men here don't count..they don't represent the typical demographic of men in the world. Sounds like you need to get a dose of reality...go ahead and shop around.

[HeyLittleOne]

Am I missing something...he watches porn and you almost banged somebody else? Wow...pot calling the kettle black it seems...just sayin. Good luck finding a man that doesn't watch even a little porn...the hen pecked men here don't count..they don't represent the typical demographic of men in the world. Sounds like you need to get a dose of reality...go ahead and shop around.

 

Yes, I think you were missing something. The porn is just part of a bigger overall addiction issue with him. And yes, personally as someone with Christian values, I consider porn pretty darn close to cheating. We both are Christians, and he would be one of the first to speak out against porn. And in case you were wondering, no, it wasn't because he was not getting sex from me. Honestly his abuse of alcohol was a much bigger issue for me, and basically that's what broke me.

[S2B]

You can only change yourself.

 

See a counselor to work through ALL of your resentments - then see if you still intend to divorce him.

 

This is about you dealing with YOUR feelings, not him - and not him changing for you.

[HeyLittleOne]

You can only change yourself.

 

See a counselor to work through ALL of your resentments - then see if you still intend to divorce him.

 

This is about you dealing with YOUR feelings, not him - and not him changing for you.

 

This is true. After a year of therapy, trying to let go of resentment, getting to my root worst fears because of my past experiences, I've realized that after seeing the addiction devolve into alcohol abuse which he had a hard time controlling, his refusal to seek deeper therapy and the very real possibility that he could relapse, I am filing for divorce. I cannot continue to compromise my mental, spiritual, and emotional well-being by constantly fearing the worst of him relapsing which could be worse next time. I realize my fears are rooted in my past experience, but it is very real when you go through it firsthand. I just cannot take that chance. He deserves someone fully committed to him, and I'm afraid I can no longer be that person in a healthy way.

[HeyLittleOne]

Oh, and thank you all for your input. It has actually really helped me become clearer with my decision.

[sandylee1]

I think your decision to file for divorce is the right one. The love and trust are gone. He killed them with his addictions and lies.

 

The best outcome would be good coparenting once you move to a city area.

 

Sometimes too much damage had been done and there's no going back.