Tallgirl91 Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 (edited) I recently graduated college and just started my first post grad job a couple of months ago. I'm making 18.50 an hour be fore taxes and this is the first real job I've ever had. I noticed that since I started working, my sister has been asking me to buy my 3 year old nephew expensive gifts. She'll send me links to iPads, expensive shoes, and other things. I have yet to get anything that she asks because for one I am trying to save my money. I'm currently living with my parents and so half of my paycheck automatically goes to savings. My sister keeps pestering me about buying my nephew $60 dollar shoes, which I don't even feel comfortable spending that much on myself let alone a 3 year old who is going to outgrow them in a couple of months! I told her I'd get them for him for Christmas and she was like " no I already have a list of things I want you to get him, besides these are ONLY 60"! And then she sent me a link to an $100 toy.! I was hoping to spend a max of $50 on him for Christmas ( I have to budget to give other people gifts). She has also asked me to give her $200 for his daycare, this was before I even got my first paycheck!!! For reference, she is 36 and I am 23. I love my nephew to death but I'm not a very materialistic person and don't feel like my love should be quantified in how much I spend on him. Am I wrong for feeling this way? How do I nicely tell my sister this. Edited October 23, 2017 by Tallgirl91 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 "sorry but I can not afford it"... unless your sister is dominant, she should accept that, if she is dominant, take no notice of it, she will know where she stands anyway 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 What?! No way. You are 23 years old! You are not making a lot of money! I am 44 and don't even spend $50 on my niece and nephew's Christmas gifts. And I don't buy them things throughout the year very often. They have parents and grandparents for that! You should not feel guilty at all for saying no. You don't owe her anything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
1966Seahorse Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Hi Tallgirl91, Seriously .... why do people (ie. your sister) think they can dictate to others (i.e. you) how much you should be spending on anyone? I am a bit gobsmacked as to your sister's attitude to be honest - it seems to be a "give give give" attitude. What happened to bringing children up to be grateful for what they receive? I totally agree with darkmoon - just tell her you cannot afford such amounts to be spent on presents and you will deal with getting your own presents without such selfish, greedy hints from her (well, maybe not say the last bit ... but you know what I mean!!). Please stand your ground on this .... the more you give the more your sister will take. As Christmas is fast approaching, I am always amazed at the amount of ads. splashed about for "this year's must have toys" - er, no, they are not MUST HAVES!!! I have always been appreciative for anything that anyone has given me .... I was brought up in a non-materialistic way and I am so grateful for that - there are things so much more important in life - such as the genuine love of someone. So ... stand your ground and so "NO" ..... from your post you sound a lovely person - but stick up for yourself - there are far more important things in life to be thinking about/buying than expense gifts! Good luck! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
iVisa Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Tell the truth. "I'm sorry, I love you and your son, but this is my first job and I have to save some money." Maybe she will be mad at you at the beginning, but I'm sure she will understand after some time. Just don't affraid of telling no. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 "sorry but I can not afford it"... ^^^ this 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Just say you can't afford it. Don't mention that you are saving. She is not a saver so she wouldn't understand anyway. A gift is a voluntary thing, not a mandatory thing. You give what you want that you can afford. Since your sister seems materialistic & someone who knows the cost of everything but the value of nothing, I suggest you look into getting a groupon account. Perhaps you will be able to get the kid something off her unreasonable list but at a discount. Following her list may preserve family harmony. If she won't cause a scene if you go off script, get whatever you want. The kid is 3. He'll probably enjoy playing with the box more anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 (edited) my brother and sil want us to work from an approved list of gifts - it makes the parent feel in control of what the kids are getting as gifts. they are controlling parents and your sister is likely one as well. a controller. in my case they ask that we don't spend over a certain amount, so the reverse of your situation. i'm sure you want to give to your nephew, so tell her items will need to be within a reasonable budget, or be substituted for what you can afford. so if she asks for an ipad, say "i can't afford an ipad but a $15 leap pad computer, will that work?" every time she asks, suggest a cheaper alternative. you're smart for knowing your spending limit and should express it to her in a way that doesn't cause strife between family, but makes your point about having a budget. Edited October 23, 2017 by newmoon 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Yep, a simple "I cant afford it" should suffice. She will keep asking until you put a stop to it. Sure, he's your nephew, but he's her son. Buying those things are her responsibility. Remember... I CANT AFFORD IT. Every single time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Stick to your guns and don't allow this thing to get traction or she will have her hand out even more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 That is very weird that she expects you to pay for her kids child care and shoes and stuff. I mean if it comes to gift suggestions, if they were a little more than you were expecting to spend, then don't take it too personally, she may just think your budget is a little higher than you were planning. But an IPad is not a normal request from one person. At least one who isn't rich. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 I CANT AFFORD IT. an easy phrase that very few americans can actually utter out loud. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 (edited) Wow. Why is she directing you to purchase things for her child? Can she not afford to buy her child what she would like him to have? Where is the child's father? Does he know she is hitting up her little sister to supplement her son's living expenses? Sounds like the kid has food and shelter and your sister is acting like a spoiled brat. Gifts are GIFTS. As in things you want to GIVE. You don't demand that someone buy gifts! Gifts are about the JOY OF GIVING - and she is ruining all joy by her selfish demands isn't she? This sounds totally unreasonable. Edited October 23, 2017 by RecentChange 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 You have nothing to apologize for so don't even say you're sorry. Just say "I can't afford it" Case closed. Do not allow her to push you around or manipulate you into buying something you cannot afford. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 Your sister sounds like an entitled spoiled brat expecting you to buy your nephew so many and expensive gifts. Just tell her that you can't afford it and your nephew will get a present at Xmas time and it'll be something that you know he'll love and enjoy without HER input (aka materialistic idea)! Is she married? I'm betting her husband doesn't know she's doing this. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 That is very weird that she expects you to pay for her kids child care and shoes and stuff. I mean if it comes to gift suggestions, if they were a little more than you were expecting to spend, then don't take it too personally, she may just think your budget is a little higher than you were planning. But an IPad is not a normal request from one person. At least one who isn't rich. This is why I asked if she was married, aka is the husband around. Why is she asking you to pay for daycare? If she needs $$ she should ask her parents (your folks) to help her out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tallgirl91 Posted November 20, 2017 Author Share Posted November 20, 2017 This is why I asked if she was married, aka is the husband around. Why is she asking you to pay for daycare? If she needs $$ she should ask her parents (your folks) to help her out. She’s not legally married but does live with the father and they’re engaged. Today she asked me to put a 25 dollar payment on a 100 dollar gift... the only issue is that once I pay the down payment I’m responsible for the rest. She’s claiming our mom said she’d pay for the rest but I am still waiting for confirmation from my mom. Not sure what to do. 50 dollars is my max for my nephew’s Christmas present. I don’t want to put the down payment and then get stuck paying the rest. I hate being put in these situations because I’m such a passive person. Also I’m worried that she’s not even going to consider this “down payment” to be my nephew’s Christmas gift and I’ll be guilted into buying him something else:sick: Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 Talk to your mom. If $50 is your max would you consider paying for 1/2 of this $100 gift? I'd give the money to mom not the store. Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 She’s not legally married but does live with the father and they’re engaged. Today she asked me to put a 25 dollar payment on a 100 dollar gift... the only issue is that once I pay the down payment I’m responsible for the rest. She’s claiming our mom said she’d pay for the rest but I am still waiting for confirmation from my mom. Not sure what to do. 50 dollars is my max for my nephew’s Christmas present. I don’t want to put the down payment and then get stuck paying the rest. I hate being put in these situations because I’m such a passive person. Also I’m worried that she’s not even going to consider this “down payment” to be my nephew’s Christmas gift and I’ll be guilted into buying him something else:sick: Dude stop acting like a victim !! Say no and stand your ground if not then give in and buy him everything! You have two pages of posts on advice to handle this the right way but you still keep going along with this charade. 1. Call her or text her! 2. Say or text “hey I just revised my budget and I can only afford 50 dollars.... 3. Wait for her response 4. Then when she blows up just say hey listen I love your son but you are his mom and he has a dad who I’m sure loves him enough to get him all of that 5. Meery Christmas and I’ll see you soon 6. Update us 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 I recently graduated college and just started my first post grad job a couple of months ago. I'm making 18.50 an hour be fore taxes and this is the first real job I've ever had. I noticed that since I started working, my sister has been asking me to buy my 3 year old nephew expensive gifts. She'll send me links to iPads, expensive shoes, and other things. I have yet to get anything that she asks because for one I am trying to save my money. I'm currently living with my parents and so half of my paycheck automatically goes to savings. My sister keeps pestering me about buying my nephew $60 dollar shoes, which I don't even feel comfortable spending that much on myself let alone a 3 year old who is going to outgrow them in a couple of months! I told her I'd get them for him for Christmas and she was like " no I already have a list of things I want you to get him, besides these are ONLY 60"! And then she sent me a link to an $100 toy.! I was hoping to spend a max of $50 on him for Christmas ( I have to budget to give other people gifts). She has also asked me to give her $200 for his daycare, this was before I even got my first paycheck!!! For reference, she is 36 and I am 23. I love my nephew to death but I'm not a very materialistic person and don't feel like my love should be quantified in how much I spend on him. Am I wrong for feeling this way? How do I nicely tell my sister this. You are not wrong and it has nothing to do with being materialistic. You sound quite sensible to me. All of these requests by your sister are burdensome and unreasonable. These are things that she should be providing. You should not be pressured into buying items you are not comfortable with and at prices that go beyond your budget. Buy your nephew something he would need and use within the next few months of his life. As you know, at this age, the child will outgrow in a short period of time. I am a huge fan of books. Buy books so that his mother will read to him. Let her get the expensive toys. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatnot Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 (edited) She’s not legally married but does live with the father and they’re engaged. Today she asked me to put a 25 dollar payment on a 100 dollar gift... the only issue is that once I pay the down payment I’m responsible for the rest. She’s claiming our mom said she’d pay for the rest but I am still waiting for confirmation from my mom. Not sure what to do. 50 dollars is my max for my nephew’s Christmas present. I don’t want to put the down payment and then get stuck paying the rest. I hate being put in these situations because I’m such a passive person. Also I’m worried that she’s not even going to consider this “down payment” to be my nephew’s Christmas gift and I’ll be guilted into buying him something else:sick:She knows you're a passive person.....that's why she's asking (telling?). This stuff goes way back in families. You situation is as common as not. I used to believe that if I told my siblings...."I don't have it".....(which is what they're good at saying).....they'd hate me forever. (Plus....I felt like I *should* and that I was being rude and a bad brother. I think it also made me believe it would make them like me more...think of me in a better light.....but.....that doesn't happen) After a time or two (it doesn't take long) they began to quit asking me for it. Same with any other person. Now it just rolls off my tongue like honey. It's freeing!! But you've got to start doing it at some point. Save your money. And I agree with the above poster who told you DO NOT EXPLAIN YOUR REASONS....about saving (or any other reason) Explaining things makes it worse. It's amazing how many people....actually *do* understand not being able to afford something....once they're convinced you're telling the truth.... WHICH YOU ARE. You can't afford it. PERIOD. END OF STORY> Save your granola and merry Christmas. edit: Sometimes we feel guilty for doing the right thing. (I think that outta be my new sig) Edited November 21, 2017 by whatnot Link to post Share on other sites
Ieris Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 @Tallgirl91 ~ Don't tell people how much you earn, as some will always expect you to pay for them. I don't know what makes your sister think she can spend your money for you but there is one thing you need to learn here, which is to learn to say "no". Just a flat no, with no explanation behind it. If they are still asking/begging, then say "the answer is still no", then "no, don't ask again". When the tantrums and insults start, "Stop begging" or if they play the self pity card then, "we all have problems". You have to be firm and don't give in so everyone around you will know that your no means no and they can stop pestering you. I usually have to say no once and they won't ask again. Do try it. Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted November 23, 2017 Share Posted November 23, 2017 Don't give her any fodder; I wouldn't even tell her you couldn't afford it. You don't need to justify yourself. "No" is a complete sentence. She'll just try to argue with you for any reason that you give. Establish your boundary now or you'll be regretting it later. I would tell her that you will be giving gifts of your own accord at major holidays and that her persistence makes you feel uncomfortable and disrespected. Call it like it is. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 23, 2017 Share Posted November 23, 2017 I would say, "No, I can't afford it," as so many other posters have suggested. Then nothing else. You could also say, "No, I can't do that." No explanation given. Or, "No, I'm not able to." I would not share any financial information (what you make, what you save, what your goals are, nothing) with your sister since she is so demanding about money. You didn't mention your relationship with you mom, but if she would tell your sister anything about your finances I wouldn't share with her, either. Buying people things doesn't make them love you more or even like you more. Now that you've accomplished the goal of graduating from college, why not set a new goal in working on becoming assertive with your sister? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
homesickclutter Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 No one can dictate us about what we really want. Our sister can suggest but still its our own decision whether to go for it or not. I'm not also in favor of buying expensive gifts. Maybe just tell your sister honestly about it:) Link to post Share on other sites
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