Having an affair w/ a MW

[Bradintx]

We are friends with each other socially. We have taken trips together and go out all the time together. Our circle of friends are the same. There is no one I can go to. No one. That complicated things even more. It’s a sorry mess that I’ve gotten myself into.

[1966Seahorse]

We are friends with each other socially. We have taken trips together and go out all the time together. Our circle of friends are the same. There is no one I can go to. No one. That complicated things even more. It’s a sorry mess that I’ve gotten myself into.

 

And you can get yourself out this sorry mess immediately by telling your OW that what you are both doing is wrong, has been going on far too long and needs to stop NOW .... then you delete her number and block it on your phone, block her on social media too, if applicable .... and if you MUST be with her on social gatherings you treat her as you would the others - just as a FRIEND, even though I personally don't agree with keeping her as a friend.

 

BUT - I also think at the same time you should man up and admit your affair to your wife .... and let HER decide what she wants from the marriage, if anything at all - at the very least she should be the one that determines your futures.

[Hecan]

We are friends with each other socially. We have taken trips together and go out all the time together. Our circle of friends are the same. There is no one I can go to. No one. That complicated things even more. It’s a sorry mess that I’ve gotten myself into.

 

Ok. I get it. You need someone to talk to and YOU have made a mess. ( I hope Jenkins jumps on here to respond because he will understand your situation ) but you must think about YOUR WIFE and not yourself !!! Go to a counselor, a non biased person, but please pick wisely, as many won't force you to own your stuff but try to make excuses for your behavior.

END IT NOW and then try to deal with your stuff by finding someone to talk to !! Take the first step!! We are all ' talking ' to you !

 

And I'm sorry but you are not all " friends". Friend don't go behind your back and sleep with your spouse !!! No one needs " friends " like tgat .

Edited October 23, 2017 by Hecan
Addition

[Cephalopod]

Nothing will change unless you change it.

[Bryanp]

Are you prepared for repercussions if and when the husband finds out? What do you think his reaction will be?

[Bradintx]

I’m sure it would be bad.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You are so full of excuses. That's all that is coming out of your mouth because you are not a brave man .

[BluesPower]

Ok that is enough...

 

You OP, need to man up. Oh poor me what a mess I got myself into.

 

Just stop all of this foolishness, and self victimization.

 

You are screwing her because you can, you know that is the truth. I know, believe me.

 

Your entire world, sooner or later is going to blow up and you have no idea how bad it will be.

 

Now, if you love your wife and family the suck it up and put your big girl panties on and end it now.

 

If you don't love your wife, I know you love your kids, the file for divorce and face the music.

 

I get it, you thought is would be fun to get a little strange because she is nuts and hot. And you were too big of a wimp to end it after the first couple of times.

 

Now look where you are at.

 

Listen brother, you do have issues, you are selfish and entitled and you need to grow up.

 

Either end the affair and/or file for divorce...

[Bradintx]

We are supposed to meet Wednesday. Normally I would be excited about it. I’m not at all.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

We are supposed to meet Wednesday. Normally I would be excited about it. I’m not at all.

 

We aren't listening to this kind of whining anymore. Nobody cares. Tell us steps you're taking to right your life, and we'll care.

[deadsoul]

You are stuck, OP. Look up limerence. That is what you're feeling for your OW.

 

You know what you have to do... it's just a matter of when you'll be ready to do it. I'm not going to be hard on you, you'll get enough of that from everyone else.

 

Thing is... you'll probably have to hit bottom before you make any changes (get caught, confess, whatever...) It's an addiction. You hate yourself for what you're doing, and you want to stop, but you feel powerless. Believe me, I get that.

 

You will have to make the choice to stop. You'l have to make a stand and make a choice. It won't be easy. Read all the stories around here. You'll see both sides of it. You'll read things you don't want to read. You'll see that there's no happy ending in this situation.

 

Hopefully Jenkins will chime in soon... He really empathizes what you are experiencing. Other thing that will help is to keep posting. You've done the important first step: you've admitted there's a problem. Now it's up to you to keep going.

 

You can't continue. That roller coaster sucks. I was on it. I know the self-hatred and I know the obsession and I know how my selfish needs came first over everything else. Other thing you have to do is own every bit of this. That's not easy either. You will have to own your mistakes and how you let yourself get into this to begin with.

 

Good luck OP. When people post the harsh things to you, and they will, keep in mind they are coming from their experience and their pain: this is what your wife will experience when she finds out. Somewhere inside you know all of this... you just have to be ready to do something. Change this. You have the power.

[DKT3]

I don't think Jenkins is comparable, Jenks actually cared deeply for his OW, OP has admitted that he doesn't even really like talking to his OW. This is purely sex and he knows it.

 

With that said it all addiction as you mentioned.

[Mr Blunt]

It’s a sorry mess that I’ve gotten myself into.

 

You are right and that is what you willfully partnering with the OW in betrayal for 3 years gets you!

 

 

Your willful selfish acts have harmed a lot of people and you owe it to your wife and family to do everything to put them first..

 

 

You were bold enough to crap on your wife and children for 3 years now be bold enough to take your consequences and spend the next decades putting your wife and children ahead of your selfish self…You did the crime now do the time!

 

What actions have you taken to put your wife and children ahead of your selfish self?

[Bradintx]

You know what really sucks is when I compare myself to my dad. I’m not half them man he was. I want to be

[merrmeade]

We are supposed to meet Wednesday. Normally I would be excited about it. I’m not at all.

Ummm, don't go?

[GoldenR]

Brad....what is it that you're looking for here?

[whichwayisup]

I appreciate the honesty. No I did not mention my wife. I do love her very much and do not want to divorce her. In fact there is less than a zero percent chance I could live with the OW. She is neurotic and has lots of weird personality traits that I don’t find attractive at all. I must admit I do love her on some level but could never marry her. No way. It’s probably more of a physical thing than anything because I find myself not wanting to talk less and less to the OW. I have issues that I’m not proud of. I don’t mind the honest feedback. It’s actually helping me to see who I really am. Not a very good person.

 

so is risking everything worth it? Since you're not in love with this MW, you're in lust. It's about you and how she makes you feel in bed, like a king? You want to lose the life you've built with your wife and mess up your children's lives, all for what? A hot affair? You're not happy and you seem to be really down on yourself. I'm sure you're a good person just for 3 years you've made some bad choices that will eventually catch up to you. I'm surprised nobody has caught on. It is possible your wife knows something is 'off' with you but doesn't want to even think that you'd cheat on her.

 

How long are you going to live life like this?

 

time to get yourself to counseling and fix what's broken inside of you. If you don't you're gonna lose all that you love and one day look back full of regret from your selfish choices.

[1966Seahorse]

We are supposed to meet Wednesday. Normally I would be excited about it. I’m not at all.

 

Boo hoo ....

 

So, how much longer are you going to keep this up ....

 

You have been getting all sorts of advice from LS posters but your responses are mainly short one liners that mean nothing at all ....

 

You say you aren't half the man your dad is/was (can't remember your exact words) .... but .... start to be that man NOW .... are you scared of your OW or something?

 

Or is it that you are scared of your family/circle of friends finding out who you REALLY are?

 

YOUR WIFE DESERVES TO KNOW YOU ARE NOT THE PERSON SHE THINKS YOU ARE - do you not get this?

 

And if your OW is also a friend of your wife's (which is the impression I get) ... then this makes things even more vomit inducing .... this just gets sicker.

[merrmeade]

He's not the first, and at least he came here hoping to be motivated (I guess). But here's the thing—what I'm 100% convinced they all think: They don't think about getting caught - until they get caught.

 

He's not worried about getting caught. He just isn't AS into it or her as he was and kinda maybe a little feels crappy about what he's doing.

 

It's completely Skinnerian:

1) Mouse does action X number of times and gets positive rewards with no negatives. No-brainer. BUT ...

2) Intermittent (unpredictable) negative consequences with at least some reward? They'll do it forever. (They stop only if negative consequences are a sure thing.)

 

But he's here because he's not a mouse. He wants to reclaim his dignity, integrity and self-respect (yes, I'm putting words in his mouth). BU-u-u-t those rewards. Still there sometimes. And the negatives are just not that, well, negative. It's just HIS conscience after all. (No thought of the unreality of hurting wife because he truly believes that won't happen.)

 

There's also the inertia factor. No movement begets no movement. There's not enough to make him change the status quo.

 

So he can wait until he gets caught since he won't think about it until it happens.

 

Or he can try to find someone else to motivate him to make a move some other direction. Right now he's just disappointed with Cupid. No limerence, no fun. But still. It's not quite enough negative to give up whatever reward he's still getting from it.

 

I don't blame him. I've seen only a handful of WSs that did anything on the basis of conscience alone without having been caught. Especially since they work so hard to shut it up in the first place. After all that effort to kill it, I'm sure it's really hard to bring it back to life - and boring. Imagine working to feel accountable to people you'd successfully put out of your mind just because ... because ... I mean why should he?

[dichotomy]

As someone else mentioned - whats the reason for being with OW?

 

Its sounds more like "possession" issues of OW and her time with her husband and not love of any kind. As you mention she is NOT someone you want to be married to....so what... is it just wild sex ...she does something for you your wife does not? Or just an exciting [affair partner] ? maybe you have self esteem or self issues driving your affair that have nothing to do with your wife or even the OW ?

 

[H]onestly I am trying to understand so I can offer advice and you can stop this.

 

Speaking of stopping this - how does OW feel about YOU? What do you think OW's reaction would be if you said "we are done" ?

 

and as for talking to someone - have you considered some therapy - someone can help you work through your reasons for having an affair?

Edited November 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[wmacbride]

op,

I'm not going to tell you off for cheating, as it sounds like you already starting to understand the consequences of your actions.

 

I'm also not going to try and dig in to why you cheated, as right now, the priority is to end the A and then get to a place where you can start to figure all of that out. Even though it doesn't sound like there is that much of an emotional connection between you and the ow, it does sound like you have developed almost an addiction to being with her.

 

The good thing about your situation is that, for all the angst it's causing, it's easy enough to resolve at least one area of it. Right now before you do anything else, make a commitment to yourself and your family that you are going to stop.

 

Once you have done that, sit down and start making an actual plan of how you are going to end the A. Decide what steps you will take if your soon to be ex-ow tries to contact you. What will you do if you feel the urge to reach out to her? How will you handle the down times?

 

Next, as this will be one of the most important things you ever, ever do, is tell your wife, and tell her husband too. I know that is going to be incredibly hard, and it will likley rip your heart in half, but it is so important. Not just for you, but for your wife too. If you tell her, at least she will know you cared enough to finally be honest with her.

 

If you don;t tell your wife and she finds out in some other way, like if this woman decides she is going to blab to your social circle, your wife will likely never, ever be able to trust you again. If she hears about it from you, there is a good chnace that, if you two can reconcile, she will be able to learn to trust you again.

 

Right now, you have two choices. You can choose to keep things as they are and feel rotten, put your family at a high risk for incredible pain and for what? So you can have a bit on the side with a woman who it doesn't sound like you even like that much?

 

Alternatively, you can choose to stop the merry go round, get off, stand up straight and put your foot on the first step of getting through all of this crap.

 

So, what's going to be? You going to stay on the merry go round or are you going to to say "enough" and start sorting out this mess? It sounds to me like you want to get off. If that's the case, then what is your first step going to be?

 

Decide to end the affair now, make your plan and stick to it and then come clean. I'm not going to lie to you. If you do this, it could well be a very hard go for you for the next little while, but put it into perspective. If you can face what you have done, come to your wife in the spirit of humility, take responsibility for your actions and if your wife fees able to forgive, you two stand every chance of moving forward to a lasting relationship.

 

What do you want? What are you going to do to make that happen?

[Bradintx]

Well I have taken in and read everything and then truly appreciate everyone’s thoughts and advice. Truth is I do love the OW and have feelings for her and her for me. But we know that there is no way we would want to disrupt our families to be with each other. That’s a fact. I’m not scared of ending it with her. She would never do anything to me or want to disrupt her situation. It probably is more of a physical thing that keeps me from stopping it. I know I’ve been unhappy for the last year and a half. There are times when I’m happy with it but more times than not I’m miserable. Miserable for what I’m doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that I’m a sorry human being. Reading this and even typing this out is actually helping me to see what I need to do. I know I would be happier to end it. I want this burden to over so I can have my life back. I want to be the old me. My friends know something is going on. My coworkers know something is wrong. They comment all the time that I’m not the same person I used to be. I want to be me again.

[wmacbride]

Well I have taken in and read everything and then truly appreciate everyone’s thoughts and advice. Truth is I do love the OW and have feelings for her and her for me. But we know that there is no way we would want to disrupt our families to be with each other. That’s a fact. I’m not scared of ending it with her. She would never do anything to me or want to disrupt her situation. It probably is more of a physical thing that keeps me from stopping it. I know I’ve been unhappy for the last year and a half. There are times when I’m happy with it but more times than not I’m miserable. Miserable for what I’m doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that I’m a sorry human being. Reading this and even typing this out is actually helping me to see what I need to do. I know I would be happier to end it. I want this burden to over so I can have my life back. I want to be the old me. My friends know something is going on. My coworkers know something is wrong. They comment all the time that I’m not the same person I used to be. I want to be me again.

 

So if all this is the case, then what are you going to do to free yourself from all of his? You can't wait for someone else to do it, as no one will.

 

As it stands right now, you have absolutely no idea what sort of chaos you may have invited into your family's life. You are asking your life as children, as well as her husband and children, to pay the price for your dalliance, because sir, they are the ones who will pay the highest price. It isn't going to be you or your ow, in fact, the two of you will get away from this relatively unscathed.

 

I'm not saying your pain isn't real or trying to be dismissive of it, but the two of you have stuck a knife in the back of your wife, her husband and all those children. Each time you make an excuse to keep the A going, you drive it in a little but deeper. What is hell did any of those people do to deserve this kind of treatment? Why are you willing to sacrifice their future mental health for this?

 

If you need added incentive to stop, picture yourself telling your children what you have been doing. Picture your wife crumbling to the floor, tears streaming down her face, maybe she's throwing up from the shock. I won't ask you to imagine what will be going on in her mind, because unles syou have been in her position, you can't.

 

Imagine the trickle down effect it's going to have on your children. Think of what this is going to do to her husband and kids. How would you feel if it was your wife who was cheating? How about if it was your dad?

 

You really need to try and shift your perspective on this. Ask yourself what you are getting from it, and ask yourself if the pain of two families is worth whatever that might be. If your answer is "yes", then your sir, have some serious issues and I would recommend divorce and that you not get involved in a serious relationship as you aren't cut out for it. If your answer is "no", then instead of ruminating about the problem, you actually do something about it.

[1966Seahorse]

Well I have taken in and read everything and then truly appreciate everyone’s thoughts and advice. Truth is I do love the OW and have feelings for her and her for me. But we know that there is no way we would want to disrupt our families to be with each other. That’s a fact. I’m not scared of ending it with her. She would never do anything to me or want to disrupt her situation. It probably is more of a physical thing that keeps me from stopping it. I know I’ve been unhappy for the last year and a half. There are times when I’m happy with it but more times than not I’m miserable. Miserable for what I’m doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that I’m a sorry human being. Reading this and even typing this out is actually helping me to see what I need to do. I know I would be happier to end it. I want this burden to over so I can have my life back. I want to be the old me. My friends know something is going on. My coworkers know something is wrong. They comment all the time that I’m not the same person I used to be. I want to be me again.

 

You say:-

 

"... But we know that there is no way we would want to disrupt our families to be with each other. That’s a fact. I’m not scared of ending it with her. She would never do anything to me or want to disrupt her situation ..."

 

Well - it is a relief that she would not disrupt you/your family - this makes it a tad easier to end the affair, doesn't it? And, you say you are not scared of ending the affair with her .... so .... go ahead.

 

You further say:-

 

"... There are times when I’m happy with it but more times than not I’m miserable. Miserable for what I’m doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that I’m a sorry human being ..."

 

This affair is really making you unhappy now and you need to start planning the end to all of this before it actually starts making you ill ... you need to get out of it and start to work on YOUR recovery and getting you back to the man your family needs.

 

Again, you say:-

 

"... My friends know something is going on. My coworkers know something is wrong. They comment all the time that I’m not the same person I used to be. I want to be me again."

 

So .. the cracks in you are starting to show ... it is only a matter of time before your wife starts to pick up on this (if she hasn't already got an inkling something is wrong with you).

 

You CAN be YOU again .... you need to stand up straight, held head high for YOU AND YOUR FAMILY .... and do the right thing - and you know what this is!

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by Bradintx

I know I’ve been unhappy for the last year and a half. There are times when I’m happy with it but more times than not I’m miserable. Miserable for what I’m doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that I’m a sorry human being.. I want this burden to over so I can have my life back. I want to be the old me. I want to be me again.

STOP WHINING AND TAKE ACTIONS that are going to get you better so that you can do better for your family. Talking about it is not enough. What ACTIONS have you taken? What ACTIONS do you have in your plan?