Having an affair w/ a MW

[Bradintx]

I honestly don’t know the best way to stop this. Yes I did it. Yes I take full responsibility for what I’ve done. I chose this. I own this. I’m not afraid of owning it. That’s part of my unhappiness is my disdain for myself in getting myself in this situation. I wish I could have a do over. I would never have texted her that first time. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to get drawn in. The crazy thing is I distanced myself many times from her because I thought she was getting to in love with me. I didn’t want to allow her to do that. Now I find myself not wanting to let her go but I know that’s the right thing and the only thing to do.

[1966Seahorse]

I honestly don’t know the best way to stop this. Yes I did it. Yes I take full responsibility for what I’ve done. I chose this. I own this. I’m not afraid of owning it. That’s part of my unhappiness is my disdain for myself in getting myself in this situation. I wish I could have a do over. I would never have texted her that first time. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to get drawn in. The crazy thing is I distanced myself many times from her because I thought she was getting to in love with me. I didn’t want to allow her to do that. Now I find myself not wanting to let her go but I know that’s the right thing and the only thing to do.

 

You don't know the best way to stop this?????????

 

How about you contact the OW and say it's over.

[Cobra_X]

I honestly don’t know the best way to stop this. Yes I did it. Yes I take full responsibility for what I’ve done. I chose this. I own this. I’m not afraid of owning it. That’s part of my unhappiness is my disdain for myself in getting myself in this situation. I wish I could have a do over. I would never have texted her that first time. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to get drawn in. The crazy thing is I distanced myself many times from her because I thought she was getting to in love with me. I didn’t want to allow her to do that. Now I find myself not wanting to let her go but I know that’s the right thing and the only thing to do.

 

Did your wife get fat? Or does she deny you sex? What is so hot about this OW? You should be able to drop her like a rock.

[BaileyB]

You don't know how to stop this... It's simple, tell your wife.

[Bradintx]

For those that say to tell my wife it’s not happening. No way. You can flame me all you want for that but there is a less than zero chance I tell her.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

For those that say to tell my wife it’s not happening. No way. You can flame me all you want for that but there is a less than zero chance I tell her.

 

So you're ok with not giving her the choice to know if she's been exposed to an STD? Your mistress is a cheater. Who is to say she's not cheating on you, too? Or her husband is cheating also and passing something on to her?

 

Oh, but you "love" your wife. LOL!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Brad...

 

i am not hear to judge you...you are a smart man...you already know what's wrong...what's right...what you are willing to do...etc.

 

I do want to know what you are looking for? If you already know you will not tell your wife...if you already know you don't want to live with the MW...then what is it you are searching for?

 

None of us here can tell you how to fix this...and you know that. You know what you are doing is wrong...and if your wife finds out you stand to lose everything. So the issue becomes...how do you move on from the hell you are living in?

 

I dont know....I do know the right thing is to stop seeing this ow. I do know that your wife deserves a better husband than you have been. But how do you rectify...how do you do damage control? How do you salvage your relationship with your wife...knowing full well that if she finds out your life is blown apart?

 

Anyway...I am truly sorry you are here...I am sorry you have become the person you have become...I am sorry that many lives could be destroyed because of your selfishness...but since you don't seem to be open to doing what is right for everyone else...since you still seem to be in a mindset of self...I am not sure what the members of loveshack can offer you.

 

So I ask simply...what do you want? What are you looking for? and what do you want us to do for you?

[dichotomy]

As someone else asked (and me also in a way).

 

Whats wrong in your marriage - whats your issues in not being happy with your wife?

 

 

 

and ya - your kids are going to really have an issue when this all comes out. It kind of sounds like you have said that OW is not the woman you would want to be married to. So when it all comes out - and it will - your marriage ends - her marriage ends - and you dont even ride off into the sunset together in a new marriage....and oh that would be special - her ex and your ex and the visitations and fights with two angry ex spouses and a bunch of kids on both sides - who all both of you.

Edited October 25, 2017 by dichotomy

[Mr Blunt]

Brad,

I do hope that you answer Mrs. John Adam’s question of

what do you want? What are you looking for? and what do you want us to do for you?

 

 

 

If you really wanted to start to get better and do better by your family you could start on a least the two suggestions listed below:

 

By Mrs. John Adams

I do know the right thing is to stop seeing this ow

Spend the next decades putting your wife and children ahead of your selfish self…

[1966Seahorse]

For those that say to tell my wife it’s not happening. No way. You can flame me all you want for that but there is a less than zero chance I tell her.

 

I feel desperately sorry for your wife/family to be honest.

 

What are you expecting us to all say?

 

The reason you are not going to tell your wife is that you are not man enough to face up to the consequences that you are a cheater. You are spineless in this respect.

 

If you found out a married daughter of yours had been cheated on by her husband for 3 years, I am pretty sure your reaction would be totally different.

 

How would you react if you found out your wife had been having a sordid little affair behind your back for 3 years?

 

This sick affair can't be bothering you too much - as you reckon it is - as you can't even say THREE words to your OW - "THIS IS OVER".

[wmacbride]

For those that say to tell my wife it’s not happening. No way. You can flame me all you want for that but there is a less than zero chance I tell her.

 

I can understand you not wanting to tell her, but these things have a way of coming out in the wash.

 

For example, my kids found out my husband had had an affair. We didn't tell them but they found out anyway. My friend and next door neighbor, who knew what was going on because she'd stopped by for a minute and found me really upset and i ended up opening up to her. She was talking to her husband about it, and her kids, who were friends of my girls and son, overheard and asked my kids what "cheating" was.

 

Lovely. Try explaining that to kids who are 4, 7 and 8, not to mention trying to explain the snarky remarks made by his-ex ow to our kids.

 

See, op, that's the thing. You might feel like you have the tiger by the tail, but it is no longer something you can control.

 

What you also can't control is how your ow acts/reacts to the situation. If she is even a little bit unstable, she may view this as rejection and, well, that can also have long term effects. In a sick way, I was lucky in that at least I knew she was out there so I could be prepared. It didn't help much, but at least it didn't come out of nowhere.

 

You have gotten yourself into a hole here, but there is a way out. Stop. Just stop. It's not complicated. The only one making this hard is yourself. Why are you doing that? Are all the difficult moments, the angst, the disappointment in yourself, the possibility of causing harm to your wife and children, the way it is starting to show to your friends/coworkers...is your affair really worth all of that?

 

I don't think you're a bad guy at all. At least you have the guts to come on here and ask for help. That is a good first step, and I expect it wasn't an easy one. Keep that momentum going. I'm hoping that there will be some former ws who will chime in here to give you encouragement and support.

[pheonixrisen]

For those that say to tell my wife it’s not happening. No way. You can flame me all you want for that but there is a less than zero chance I tell her.

 

Okay don't tell her .this will come out on its own as they do when you least expect it.

 

Instead of telling us how unexcited you are to meet her .(like you want a standing ovation of bravo for at least feeling unexcited )

 

Stop it. You are hurting your family they just don't know it yet .And they will sooner or later.

[Birdies]

I honestly don’t know the best way to stop this. Yes I did it. Yes I take full responsibility for what I’ve done. I chose this. I own this. I’m not afraid of owning it. That’s part of my unhappiness is my disdain for myself in getting myself in this situation. I wish I could have a do over. I would never have texted her that first time. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to get drawn in. The crazy thing is I distanced myself many times from her because I thought she was getting to in love with me. I didn’t want to allow her to do that. Now I find myself not wanting to let her go but I know that’s the right thing and the only thing to do.

 

Hello. I was married and in an affair with a married man.

 

Look, what's done is done. You can either wallow around feeling sorry for yourself for being such a pathetic POS that you've found yourself in a situation where you're in love with someone besides your spouse - been there done that! I know the feeling. Too deep to end it, but you know you have to.

 

OR.... you can just man up and cut the cord. You know this needs to end, right? You've said that you are not going to leave your families for each other. Ending it is going to suck and hurt and be miserable. So you may as well do it now and get going with the recovery and healing process - rather than drag it out for another month or 6 months or 2 years, get your emotions involved even deeper, and THEN have to go through the hurt at a later date.

 

Just set a date in your mind and have it be the end of things. Tell her it's over, you both know what you're doing is wrong, and you need to stop before it all blows up in your face. (Which, by the way, it WILL if you give it enough time, no matter how much you think you're in control of things. It will blow up in the most messy and life-destroying way you can imagine. Ask me how I know.....)

 

Then go no contact. Period. White-knuckle it through the times that you miss her and don't think you can continue. You can. Just keep doing it, and it will get easier.

 

I'd tell you to tell your wife, but it sounds like you are like I was - absolutely terrified of the consequences of your actions, including but not limited to deeply hurting your spouse, and willing to lie your ass off in order to avoid that.

 

I will say that when my husband found out, it was devastating for both of us of course, but it was also such a relief. It's very taxing on a person to keep up this compartmentalization and lies. Unfortunately, it sounds like you are in for a lifetime of that, if you don't confess. I recommend starting to see a counselor to work through all of these emotions.

[whichwayisup]

For those that say to tell my wife it’s not happening. No way. You can flame me all you want for that but there is a less than zero chance I tell her.

 

Why? Wouldn't it be better for your wife to hear this from you rather than someone else? Like the OW or even your own children? (or OW's kids)? Maybe others know of this affair and could tell your wife.

[donbar]

Absolutely no reason to tell your wife. Don't do it. Those who want you to tell her on here have absolutely no idea how you feel. They never will. You are in utter turmoil and you came here for help. You feel like none is forthcoming...

 

But you do need to end it with the OW. And you do need to get counseling. It will help immensely. To be able to open your heart and express all the pain and heartache that this is causing you will help so much...

 

And then you will be able to love your wife and balance will return to your life.

 

I know.

[]

Edited October 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[Bradintx]

Did you meet with the OW today?

 

Yes I did. I understand the consequences.

[1966Seahorse]

Yes I did. I understand the consequences.

 

So .... 6 pages of replies ..... is there any more point to this thread?

[Bradintx]

For me yes. For you probably not. Believe it or not it has been helpful. I know my actions say otherwise, but it really has. For those that have offered your advice, words of encouragement and even a kick in the pants I really do appreciate it. I know my situation. I know the possible consequences. I know what I should do and I’m going to do it. It will not happen again and I’m going to stop and end it.

[1966Seahorse]

For me yes. For you probably not. Believe it or not it has been helpful. I know my actions say otherwise, but it really has. For those that have offered your advice, words of encouragement and even a kick in the pants I really do appreciate it. I know my situation. I know the possible consequences. I know what I should do and I’m going to do it. It will not happen again and I’m going to stop and end it.

 

Good for you .... at last .... I am really pleased .... you are definitely going to be moving in the right direction!

[Müun]

I meant to say I want to talk less and less to the OW. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m looking for reasons to stop it in all honesty. I’m waiting on her to make me angry enough and a good enough reason to stop it on angry terms where I think I will finally not want to see or talk to her anymore.

 

Block her number, block her emails, avoid any contact at all. Write a text now and then when you have some time alone drink a couple glasses of wine and send it. Delete any proof digital or not of what happened, any memory you have with her. Take your family on vacation for a couple of weeks if you can.

Evaluate if telling your wife or not. She should know of course, so she could decide if she wants to be with the person you are or not. This is her right.

But if you're intelligent enough and you think this woman might not try to contact her ever ( threaten her if necessary) don't do it. You don't sound sound so bad, but you do sound very week.

Just make sure you tell your wife if there's any possibility she might find out.

[BaileyB]

The kind of person we are is reflected in the decisions we make and the people we invite into our lives. Everyday, we all have the opportunity to chose a different path for our lives... I hope you chose wisely.

[ladydesigner]

For me yes. For you probably not. Believe it or not it has been helpful. I know my actions say otherwise, but it really has. For those that have offered your advice, words of encouragement and even a kick in the pants I really do appreciate it. I know my situation. I know the possible consequences. I know what I should do and I’m going to do it. It will not happen again and I’m going to stop and end it.

 

So now how are you going to end this? You say you know the situation now. Are you going to have to meet up with the AP for one last roll in the hay... say goodbye face to face like they always seem to demand because it isn't fair to them otherwise

 

Just because you tell the AP it's over doesn't always mean it's over. How are you going to establish NC (No contact) if your lives are intertwined the way they are. What you and your AP have committed isn't just an A it is a double-betrayal as your BS knows this woman and your families and kids hang out together.

 

Messy situation REAL messy.

[Yosemite]

Where does your wife think you are when you are with the other woman? Just wondering when you find time for an affair. Do you tell her you’re golfing? Is this all happening on your lunch break? Do you say you’re at the gym? Just curious.

 

Are you paying cash for motel rooms or are you hooking up in the car or somewhere else?

[Bradintx]

Usually in the morning before work and usually at her house. Never evenings or weekends or anything like that. No hotels or any trips together. Sometimes would meet places using our vehicles.

[wmacbride]

Have you been able to come up with a plan to help you avoid going back to the A should you hear from your ow again?

 

If you have a "go to" response in mind, you will always be ready.