Having an affair w/ a MW

[wmacbride]

op,

I'm not going to tell you off for cheating, as it sounds like you already starting to understand the consequences of your actions.

 

I'm also not going to try and dig in to why you cheated, as right now, the priority is to end the A and then get to a place where you can start to figure all of that out. Even though it doesn't sound like there is that much of an emotional connection between you and the ow, it does sound like you have developed almost an addiction to being with her.

 

The good thing about your situation is that, for all the angst it's causing, it's easy enough to resolve at least one area of it. Right now before you do anything else, make a commitment to yourself and your family that you are going to stop.

 

Once you have done that, sit down and start making an actual plan of how you are going to end the A. Decide what steps you will take if your soon to be ex-ow tries to contact you. What will you do if you feel the urge to reach out to her? How will you handle the down times?

 

Next, as this will be one of the most important things you ever, ever do, is tell your wife, and tell her husband too. I know that is going to be incredibly hard, and it will likley rip your heart in half, but it is so important. Not just for you, but for your wife too. If you tell her, at least she will know you cared enough to finally be honest with her.

 

If you don;t tell your wife and she finds out in some other way, like if this woman decides she is going to blab to your social circle, your wife will likely never, ever be able to trust you again. If she hears about it from you, there is a good chnace that, if you two can reconcile, she will be able to learn to trust you again.

 

Right now, you have two choices. You can choose to keep things as they are and feel rotten, put your family at a high risk for incredible pain and for what? So you can have a bit on the side with a woman who it doesn't sound like you even like that much?

 

Alternatively, you can choose to stop the merry go round, get off, stand up straight and put your foot on the first step of getting through all of this crap.

 

So, what's going to be? You going to stay on the merry go round or are you going to to say "enough" and start sorting out this mess? It sounds to me like you want to get off. If that's the case, then what is your first step going to be?

 

Decide to end the affair now, make your plan and stick to it and then come clean. I'm not going to lie to you. If you do this, it could well be a very hard go for you for the next little while, but put it into perspective. If you can face what you have done, come to your wife in the spirit of humility, take responsibility for your actions and if your wife fees able to forgive, you two stand every chance of moving forward to a lasting relationship.

 

What do you want? What are you going to do to make that happen?

[Bradintx]

Well I have taken in and read everything and then truly appreciate everyone’s thoughts and advice. Truth is I do love the OW and have feelings for her and her for me. But we know that there is no way we would want to disrupt our families to be with each other. That’s a fact. I’m not scared of ending it with her. She would never do anything to me or want to disrupt her situation. It probably is more of a physical thing that keeps me from stopping it. I know I’ve been unhappy for the last year and a half. There are times when I’m happy with it but more times than not I’m miserable. Miserable for what I’m doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that I’m a sorry human being. Reading this and even typing this out is actually helping me to see what I need to do. I know I would be happier to end it. I want this burden to over so I can have my life back. I want to be the old me. My friends know something is going on. My coworkers know something is wrong. They comment all the time that I’m not the same person I used to be. I want to be me again.

[wmacbride]

Well I have taken in and read everything and then truly appreciate everyone’s thoughts and advice. Truth is I do love the OW and have feelings for her and her for me. But we know that there is no way we would want to disrupt our families to be with each other. That’s a fact. I’m not scared of ending it with her. She would never do anything to me or want to disrupt her situation. It probably is more of a physical thing that keeps me from stopping it. I know I’ve been unhappy for the last year and a half. There are times when I’m happy with it but more times than not I’m miserable. Miserable for what I’m doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that I’m a sorry human being. Reading this and even typing this out is actually helping me to see what I need to do. I know I would be happier to end it. I want this burden to over so I can have my life back. I want to be the old me. My friends know something is going on. My coworkers know something is wrong. They comment all the time that I’m not the same person I used to be. I want to be me again.

 

So if all this is the case, then what are you going to do to free yourself from all of his? You can't wait for someone else to do it, as no one will.

 

As it stands right now, you have absolutely no idea what sort of chaos you may have invited into your family's life. You are asking your life as children, as well as her husband and children, to pay the price for your dalliance, because sir, they are the ones who will pay the highest price. It isn't going to be you or your ow, in fact, the two of you will get away from this relatively unscathed.

 

I'm not saying your pain isn't real or trying to be dismissive of it, but the two of you have stuck a knife in the back of your wife, her husband and all those children. Each time you make an excuse to keep the A going, you drive it in a little but deeper. What is hell did any of those people do to deserve this kind of treatment? Why are you willing to sacrifice their future mental health for this?

 

If you need added incentive to stop, picture yourself telling your children what you have been doing. Picture your wife crumbling to the floor, tears streaming down her face, maybe she's throwing up from the shock. I won't ask you to imagine what will be going on in her mind, because unles syou have been in her position, you can't.

 

Imagine the trickle down effect it's going to have on your children. Think of what this is going to do to her husband and kids. How would you feel if it was your wife who was cheating? How about if it was your dad?

 

You really need to try and shift your perspective on this. Ask yourself what you are getting from it, and ask yourself if the pain of two families is worth whatever that might be. If your answer is "yes", then your sir, have some serious issues and I would recommend divorce and that you not get involved in a serious relationship as you aren't cut out for it. If your answer is "no", then instead of ruminating about the problem, you actually do something about it.

[1966Seahorse]

Well I have taken in and read everything and then truly appreciate everyone’s thoughts and advice. Truth is I do love the OW and have feelings for her and her for me. But we know that there is no way we would want to disrupt our families to be with each other. That’s a fact. I’m not scared of ending it with her. She would never do anything to me or want to disrupt her situation. It probably is more of a physical thing that keeps me from stopping it. I know I’ve been unhappy for the last year and a half. There are times when I’m happy with it but more times than not I’m miserable. Miserable for what I’m doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that I’m a sorry human being. Reading this and even typing this out is actually helping me to see what I need to do. I know I would be happier to end it. I want this burden to over so I can have my life back. I want to be the old me. My friends know something is going on. My coworkers know something is wrong. They comment all the time that I’m not the same person I used to be. I want to be me again.

 

You say:-

 

"... But we know that there is no way we would want to disrupt our families to be with each other. That’s a fact. I’m not scared of ending it with her. She would never do anything to me or want to disrupt her situation ..."

 

Well - it is a relief that she would not disrupt you/your family - this makes it a tad easier to end the affair, doesn't it? And, you say you are not scared of ending the affair with her .... so .... go ahead.

 

You further say:-

 

"... There are times when I’m happy with it but more times than not I’m miserable. Miserable for what I’m doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that I’m a sorry human being ..."

 

This affair is really making you unhappy now and you need to start planning the end to all of this before it actually starts making you ill ... you need to get out of it and start to work on YOUR recovery and getting you back to the man your family needs.

 

Again, you say:-

 

"... My friends know something is going on. My coworkers know something is wrong. They comment all the time that I’m not the same person I used to be. I want to be me again."

 

So .. the cracks in you are starting to show ... it is only a matter of time before your wife starts to pick up on this (if she hasn't already got an inkling something is wrong with you).

 

You CAN be YOU again .... you need to stand up straight, held head high for YOU AND YOUR FAMILY .... and do the right thing - and you know what this is!

[S2B]

Well I have taken in and read everything and then truly appreciate everyone’s thoughts and advice. Truth is I do love the OW and have feelings for her and her for me. But we know that there is no way we would want to disrupt our families to be with each other. That’s a fact. I’m not scared of ending it with her. She would never do anything to me or want to disrupt her situation. It probably is more of a physical thing that keeps me from stopping it. I know I’ve been unhappy for the last year and a half. There are times when I’m happy with it but more times than not I’m miserable. Miserable for what I’m doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that I’m a sorry human being. Reading this and even typing this out is actually helping me to see what I need to do. I know I would be happier to end it. I want this burden to over so I can have my life back. I want to be the old me. My friends know something is going on. My coworkers know something is wrong. They comment all the time that I’m not the same person I used to be. I want to be me again.

 

So what are you going to do to change it?

 

You are the only one that can change it for yourself! You are the victim of yourself and your choices.

 

It takes contrary action to get a new result! Do that!!

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by Bradintx

I know I’ve been unhappy for the last year and a half. There are times when I’m happy with it but more times than not I’m miserable. Miserable for what I’m doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that I’m a sorry human being.. I want this burden to over so I can have my life back. I want to be the old me. I want to be me again.

STOP WHINING AND TAKE ACTIONS that are going to get you better so that you can do better for your family. Talking about it is not enough. What ACTIONS have you taken? What ACTIONS do you have in your plan?

[Bradintx]

I honestly don’t know the best way to stop this. Yes I did it. Yes I take full responsibility for what I’ve done. I chose this. I own this. I’m not afraid of owning it. That’s part of my unhappiness is my disdain for myself in getting myself in this situation. I wish I could have a do over. I would never have texted her that first time. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to get drawn in. The crazy thing is I distanced myself many times from her because I thought she was getting to in love with me. I didn’t want to allow her to do that. Now I find myself not wanting to let her go but I know that’s the right thing and the only thing to do.

[S2B]

STOP WHINING AND TAKE ACTIONS that are going to get you better so that you can do better for your family. Talking about it is not enough. What ACTIONS have you taken? What ACTIONS do you have in your plan?

 

For starters - he's perfectly capable of contacting the OW and telling her he is never meeting her again.

 

FWIW - wives find out all the time - even when you don't think they will... my exH didn't expect me to find out... 25 years ended with a phone call telling him not to come home. That was 10 years ago.

 

I'm certain he also cheats on his newer wife too.

 

 

You don't know how to stop it? It's easy! Stop!!!

[1966Seahorse]

I honestly don’t know the best way to stop this. Yes I did it. Yes I take full responsibility for what I’ve done. I chose this. I own this. I’m not afraid of owning it. That’s part of my unhappiness is my disdain for myself in getting myself in this situation. I wish I could have a do over. I would never have texted her that first time. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to get drawn in. The crazy thing is I distanced myself many times from her because I thought she was getting to in love with me. I didn’t want to allow her to do that. Now I find myself not wanting to let her go but I know that’s the right thing and the only thing to do.

 

You don't know the best way to stop this?????????

 

How about you contact the OW and say it's over.

[Cobra_X]

I honestly don’t know the best way to stop this. Yes I did it. Yes I take full responsibility for what I’ve done. I chose this. I own this. I’m not afraid of owning it. That’s part of my unhappiness is my disdain for myself in getting myself in this situation. I wish I could have a do over. I would never have texted her that first time. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to get drawn in. The crazy thing is I distanced myself many times from her because I thought she was getting to in love with me. I didn’t want to allow her to do that. Now I find myself not wanting to let her go but I know that’s the right thing and the only thing to do.

 

Did your wife get fat? Or does she deny you sex? What is so hot about this OW? You should be able to drop her like a rock.

[BaileyB]

You don't know how to stop this... It's simple, tell your wife.

[S2B]

You don't know how to stop this... It's simple, tell your wife.

 

Yep! Then she has a chance to decide for her own future! And a chance to get tested for diseases!

 

 

Why do you get to decide for her?

[Bradintx]

For those that say to tell my wife it’s not happening. No way. You can flame me all you want for that but there is a less than zero chance I tell her.

[S2B]

For those that say to tell my wife it’s not happening. No way. You can flame me all you want for that but there is a less than zero chance I tell her.

 

Then at least do the decent thing and divorce her! She deserves way better than what you're doing!

 

Allow her to be capable of being with a man that acts like he loves her!

Edited October 24, 2017 by S2B

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

For those that say to tell my wife it’s not happening. No way. You can flame me all you want for that but there is a less than zero chance I tell her.

 

So you're ok with not giving her the choice to know if she's been exposed to an STD? Your mistress is a cheater. Who is to say she's not cheating on you, too? Or her husband is cheating also and passing something on to her?

 

Oh, but you "love" your wife. LOL!

[S2B]

So you're ok with not giving her the choice to know if she's been exposed to an STD? Your mistress is a cheater. Who is to say she's not cheating on you, too? Or her husband is cheating also and passing something on to her?

 

Oh, but you "love" your wife. LOL!

 

That's not love- not one bit.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Brad...

 

i am not hear to judge you...you are a smart man...you already know what's wrong...what's right...what you are willing to do...etc.

 

I do want to know what you are looking for? If you already know you will not tell your wife...if you already know you don't want to live with the MW...then what is it you are searching for?

 

None of us here can tell you how to fix this...and you know that. You know what you are doing is wrong...and if your wife finds out you stand to lose everything. So the issue becomes...how do you move on from the hell you are living in?

 

I dont know....I do know the right thing is to stop seeing this ow. I do know that your wife deserves a better husband than you have been. But how do you rectify...how do you do damage control? How do you salvage your relationship with your wife...knowing full well that if she finds out your life is blown apart?

 

Anyway...I am truly sorry you are here...I am sorry you have become the person you have become...I am sorry that many lives could be destroyed because of your selfishness...but since you don't seem to be open to doing what is right for everyone else...since you still seem to be in a mindset of self...I am not sure what the members of loveshack can offer you.

 

So I ask simply...what do you want? What are you looking for? and what do you want us to do for you?

[dichotomy]

As someone else asked (and me also in a way).

 

Whats wrong in your marriage - whats your issues in not being happy with your wife?

 

 

 

and ya - your kids are going to really have an issue when this all comes out. It kind of sounds like you have said that OW is not the woman you would want to be married to. So when it all comes out - and it will - your marriage ends - her marriage ends - and you dont even ride off into the sunset together in a new marriage....and oh that would be special - her ex and your ex and the visitations and fights with two angry ex spouses and a bunch of kids on both sides - who all both of you.

Edited October 25, 2017 by dichotomy

[Mr Blunt]

Brad,

I do hope that you answer Mrs. John Adam’s question of

what do you want? What are you looking for? and what do you want us to do for you?

 

 

 

If you really wanted to start to get better and do better by your family you could start on a least the two suggestions listed below:

 

By Mrs. John Adams

I do know the right thing is to stop seeing this ow

Spend the next decades putting your wife and children ahead of your selfish self…

[1966Seahorse]

For those that say to tell my wife it’s not happening. No way. You can flame me all you want for that but there is a less than zero chance I tell her.

 

I feel desperately sorry for your wife/family to be honest.

 

What are you expecting us to all say?

 

The reason you are not going to tell your wife is that you are not man enough to face up to the consequences that you are a cheater. You are spineless in this respect.

 

If you found out a married daughter of yours had been cheated on by her husband for 3 years, I am pretty sure your reaction would be totally different.

 

How would you react if you found out your wife had been having a sordid little affair behind your back for 3 years?

 

This sick affair can't be bothering you too much - as you reckon it is - as you can't even say THREE words to your OW - "THIS IS OVER".

[wmacbride]

For those that say to tell my wife it’s not happening. No way. You can flame me all you want for that but there is a less than zero chance I tell her.

 

I can understand you not wanting to tell her, but these things have a way of coming out in the wash.

 

For example, my kids found out my husband had had an affair. We didn't tell them but they found out anyway. My friend and next door neighbor, who knew what was going on because she'd stopped by for a minute and found me really upset and i ended up opening up to her. She was talking to her husband about it, and her kids, who were friends of my girls and son, overheard and asked my kids what "cheating" was.

 

Lovely. Try explaining that to kids who are 4, 7 and 8, not to mention trying to explain the snarky remarks made by his-ex ow to our kids.

 

See, op, that's the thing. You might feel like you have the tiger by the tail, but it is no longer something you can control.

 

What you also can't control is how your ow acts/reacts to the situation. If she is even a little bit unstable, she may view this as rejection and, well, that can also have long term effects. In a sick way, I was lucky in that at least I knew she was out there so I could be prepared. It didn't help much, but at least it didn't come out of nowhere.

 

You have gotten yourself into a hole here, but there is a way out. Stop. Just stop. It's not complicated. The only one making this hard is yourself. Why are you doing that? Are all the difficult moments, the angst, the disappointment in yourself, the possibility of causing harm to your wife and children, the way it is starting to show to your friends/coworkers...is your affair really worth all of that?

 

I don't think you're a bad guy at all. At least you have the guts to come on here and ask for help. That is a good first step, and I expect it wasn't an easy one. Keep that momentum going. I'm hoping that there will be some former ws who will chime in here to give you encouragement and support.

[pheonixrisen]

For those that say to tell my wife it’s not happening. No way. You can flame me all you want for that but there is a less than zero chance I tell her.

 

Okay don't tell her .this will come out on its own as they do when you least expect it.

 

Instead of telling us how unexcited you are to meet her .(like you want a standing ovation of bravo for at least feeling unexcited )

 

Stop it. You are hurting your family they just don't know it yet .And they will sooner or later.

[Birdies]

I honestly don’t know the best way to stop this. Yes I did it. Yes I take full responsibility for what I’ve done. I chose this. I own this. I’m not afraid of owning it. That’s part of my unhappiness is my disdain for myself in getting myself in this situation. I wish I could have a do over. I would never have texted her that first time. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to get drawn in. The crazy thing is I distanced myself many times from her because I thought she was getting to in love with me. I didn’t want to allow her to do that. Now I find myself not wanting to let her go but I know that’s the right thing and the only thing to do.

 

Hello. I was married and in an affair with a married man.

 

Look, what's done is done. You can either wallow around feeling sorry for yourself for being such a pathetic POS that you've found yourself in a situation where you're in love with someone besides your spouse - been there done that! I know the feeling. Too deep to end it, but you know you have to.

 

OR.... you can just man up and cut the cord. You know this needs to end, right? You've said that you are not going to leave your families for each other. Ending it is going to suck and hurt and be miserable. So you may as well do it now and get going with the recovery and healing process - rather than drag it out for another month or 6 months or 2 years, get your emotions involved even deeper, and THEN have to go through the hurt at a later date.

 

Just set a date in your mind and have it be the end of things. Tell her it's over, you both know what you're doing is wrong, and you need to stop before it all blows up in your face. (Which, by the way, it WILL if you give it enough time, no matter how much you think you're in control of things. It will blow up in the most messy and life-destroying way you can imagine. Ask me how I know.....)

 

Then go no contact. Period. White-knuckle it through the times that you miss her and don't think you can continue. You can. Just keep doing it, and it will get easier.

 

I'd tell you to tell your wife, but it sounds like you are like I was - absolutely terrified of the consequences of your actions, including but not limited to deeply hurting your spouse, and willing to lie your ass off in order to avoid that.

 

I will say that when my husband found out, it was devastating for both of us of course, but it was also such a relief. It's very taxing on a person to keep up this compartmentalization and lies. Unfortunately, it sounds like you are in for a lifetime of that, if you don't confess. I recommend starting to see a counselor to work through all of these emotions.

[whichwayisup]

For those that say to tell my wife it’s not happening. No way. You can flame me all you want for that but there is a less than zero chance I tell her.

 

Why? Wouldn't it be better for your wife to hear this from you rather than someone else? Like the OW or even your own children? (or OW's kids)? Maybe others know of this affair and could tell your wife.

[donbar]

Absolutely no reason to tell your wife. Don't do it. Those who want you to tell her on here have absolutely no idea how you feel. They never will. You are in utter turmoil and you came here for help. You feel like none is forthcoming...

 

But you do need to end it with the OW. And you do need to get counseling. It will help immensely. To be able to open your heart and express all the pain and heartache that this is causing you will help so much...

 

And then you will be able to love your wife and balance will return to your life.

 

I know.

[]

Edited October 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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