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Having an affair w/ a MW

Bradintx

By Bradintx,
in Infidelity

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Cullenbohannon

Cullenbohannon

Posted
Posted

I have a question that is not meant to bash, but it is something that is hard to understand.

 

How can you go into a mans house for 3 years, see all the family pictures , have sex with his wife, on his bed, on his couch and shake his hand the next day?.

 

If your friend was doing this with your wife, wouldn't you want to kill him?

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GoldenR

GoldenR

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Just a warning....

 

"At her house" is gonna cause the **** to hit the fan even harder once her H finds out. And he WILL find out. You've defiled his castle, his safe haven with the one person that was always supposed to have his back. And you're his friend IIRC. A.double betrayal in his own house. That can make even the meekest of men think about violence.

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jenkins95

jenkins95

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Posted (edited)

Hey Brad

 

I'm late coming to this thread as I've been away for a while, but I notice that a few of the earlier posters suggest that I may be able to help as I was in a similar position. I'd be delighted to help and be there for you if it would help, although in later posts it seems like you've got yourself together quite well and are determined to end the affair - good for you. This is the right move.

 

There are similarities and differences in our situations, so let’s compare and contrast: -

 

1. You suggest that you don’t really have a mental connection with your AP and that it is mainly for sex. For me, it was both mental and physical.

 

2. Yours has lasted 3 years, mine was a little over a year.

 

3. My AP and I live in totally different communities and have no friends in common, whereas you are neighbours and both spouses know you and each other and your kids are friends (I imagine that must make things very awkward).

 

There are some obvious differences, but one similarity that leaps at me is your vulnerability, general lost-ness and paralysis right now, which I sense in your posts. I remember that well. You are so stressed, confused and emotionally frazzled that you have become weak and unable to act assertively. You want to end the affair, know it is wrong, know that it is very hurtful to so many people, but you don’t have the strength and drive to do it and so you drift on day to day with the status quo with a hope that it will sort itself out (which it will not of course). Every day, you get a little more stressed, a little more worried and paranoid, lose a little more sleep, feel a little more lost, become a little weaker and become a little bit more stuck in the affair. Does this sound about right?

 

I too was very much like this. I couldn’t let go of the affair as I was addicted to it and yet I wouldn’t blow up my family. I didn’t want to lose either of them and gradually became such a mess of a man that it blew up in my face with a D-day. If I’d thought I was in a mess before that, it was NOTHING compared to the horrors of D-day. Imagine being 20 times as stressed, frustrated, lost and exhausted as you are now – and then add a furious, heartbroken spouse shouting in your face and wanting answers…...and possibly a very p*ssed off OW also wanting a piece of you, not to mention her spouse whose just learned that you have been sleeping with her in his house. Believe me, it would be a nightmare. But, as I said, from your latest posts, you seem to be gaining strength, determination and resolve to end the A – that’s great and I applaud you for that. I also applaud you for coming here before everything blows up. I only got here when my life was already a bomb site. Well done for recognising the need to seek help BEFORE it hits the fan. Hopefully you will be able to avoid that happening.

 

It was my indecision, weakness and apathy when I was at the stage that you are now – that led to this living nightmare (she didn’t have a spouse, but the rest of the above all happened). If I’d been strong and ended it as soon as I felt that it had to end…...and then approached my wife, been honest and tried in earnest to fix our marriage, then yes, it still would have been harrowing and heart-breaking, but not 1% of the horror show that actually happens when D-day occurs.

 

So my immediate advice to you Brad is to take control and end the affair with dignity now. You don’t have to be cold or abrupt with the OW. Take time to talk it though and explain in detail and with respect why it has to end. Wish her well, but make it clear that it is impossible. You have been involved intimately in her life for 3 years, so I think it is far better to end it in a respectful way like that than just cutting her cold. This also lessens the chance that she will go psycho on you and try to ruin everything the moment she realises you want out. Doesn’t happen often, but it has been known – especially when the OW feels she has been made a mug of, coldly dumped and not treated with respect.

 

Ending the affair is major challenge number one. The even bigger challenge number two after that will be what you do about your marriage. Do you tell your wife? How do you rebuild trust and intimacy? etc, etc, etc. Those questions will follow, and we will be here to help if you need us, but the immediate priority is getting out of the affair. You can do it - be strong, be calm and be respectful.

 

I wish you all the best Brad, please keep posting.

Edited by jenkins95
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Bradintx

Bradintx

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Jenkins thank you for the kind words and insight. In many respects you are correct. I’m not the same person that I used to be. This thing has turned me into a person who I don’t like very much. It’s taken me away from family and friends in many ways. I recognize that it needs to end. I do have feelings for the the OW. It wasn’t just about the physical in all honesty. Although lately it seems that’s the only reason why I have wanted to stay in it. It’s been difficult and I realize how much worse it could be. I really do get it. Howevever i did have a set back this week. More specifically it was yesterday.

 

I want to end it, but it is hard for a number of reasons. Mostly selfish and self centered ones. There are things I get out of it that I’m afraid of losing. I know that’s incredibly self centered and selfish. I truly get it. The anxiety I have is pretty high. I’ve felt lots of anxiety over the last year or so. I know it’s unhealthy for me and my family and particularly my wife. She knows something is wrong me. She recognizes my depression. I know In the end I would be happier without the OW than with. I just can’t seem to do it.

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jenkins95

jenkins95

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Posted (edited)
Jenkins thank you for the kind words and insight. In many respects you are correct. I’m not the same person that I used to be. This thing has turned me into a person who I don’t like very much. It’s taken me away from family and friends in many ways. I recognize that it needs to end. I do have feelings for the the OW. It wasn’t just about the physical in all honesty. Although lately it seems that’s the only reason why I have wanted to stay in it. It’s been difficult and I realize how much worse it could be. I really do get it. Howevever i did have a set back this week. More specifically it was yesterday.

 

I want to end it, but it is hard for a number of reasons. Mostly selfish and self centered ones. There are things I get out of it that I’m afraid of losing. I know that’s incredibly self centered and selfish. I truly get it. The anxiety I have is pretty high. I’ve felt lots of anxiety over the last year or so. I know it’s unhealthy for me and my family and particularly my wife. She knows something is wrong me. She recognizes my depression. I know In the end I would be happier without the OW than with. I just can’t seem to do it.

 

I really applaud your honesty and openness here Brad. You are admitting that you have been selfish, that this thing has changed you and taken you away from your family, and also that you are addicted to aspects of the affair and are terrified of losing that. It takes a lot to admit that - you are not being overly defensive and you are not justifying. It takes a lot to be that open and take ownership and this is encouraging.

 

I really feel and understand you, especially as I now see that you clearly have a mental connection to the OW too, like I did, and not just a physical one. It is the mental one that will be the hardest one to overcome - I can tell you from my own experience that that will be a big challenge. To be honest, I could have written your post word for word myself a couple of years ago, so I truly do understand. I would also like to assure you that, if you do the right things now, you will get past this. Some further pain and a lengthy recovery is absolutely inevitable, I'm afraid when the A ends, you WILL miss the OW...badly...for quite some time, probably several months minimum - like an addict suddenly having his drug taken away. The you will be hit by guilt, regret, remorse, etc, etc. There's no shortcut, you have to go through it to get over it I'm afraid. But you will get there if you are strong, determined, committed and resolute.

 

If you don't end it, there are two other options: 1. End your marriage or 2. Carry on with the affair in secret. I think that you, like me, do not want to end your marriage and break up your family. You genuinely love your wife and kids, despite your actions and have just become lost in the affair. (I know it's hard for some readers to believe you could still love your wife yet do this, but I've been there too so I understand it very well.) Therefore I don't think you will be choosing option 1.

 

As for option 2, that’s clearly not viable either – that’s why you are here, after all, looking to get out of a toxic A. And I don't want to scare you, but I can sense the stage you are at now, and I would suggest that D-day is fairly close if you carry on as you are now – I’ve been there. You say your wife already knows something is wrong and that she recognises your depression. You say that you are a changed person, lost, exhausted, depressed and frazzled. I would guess that you are far more likely to make mistakes and not cover up your tracks now than you used to be at the start of the A when it was fun and you were full of energy. Your wife is likely already mulling things over in her mind. Perhaps she will come straight out and ask you if you are having an affair? - You should prepare for that possibility and get a response ready just in case. I remember well getting to the stage that you are now. I became so withdrawn and closed from everyone and I got no mental peace at all - D-day was just a few weeks away for me when I got to that stage. I got careless and my wife found evidence (like your W, she had already noticed changes in me). At the start of the affair, I covered my tracks meticulously, but by the time I got to where you are now, I could barely tell right from left and inevitably I got careless. She found emails and you can guess the rest.

 

I truly believe that you want to end the A, but are terrified to do so. I get you 100%. It may be the toughest thing you are ever called on to do. But try to prepare for it sooner rather than later. Every day you stay where you are now the more negative things gradually become, the more stuck you become and the more likely a D-day is. The end doesn’t have to be a horrible shouting match between you and OW – she has a spouse too. Surely she, too, struggles with it? Best case scenario, you talk it through calmly and respectfully together, acknowledge the connection between you, but mutually recognise that it has to end……for the good of both of you. Then hug, wish each other the best and end it then and there. Is that possible do you think? Or do you think she will resist ending it and make life difficult for you? Whatever Brad, we are here. Keep posting, we will help guide you through this.

 

You will be OK eventually. It is two years after the end of my A and I am feeling something approaching normal again now, as I believe, is my wife and my marriage feels close again. It takes a long time to get over all aspects of the A…but every journey has to start with day 1 – don’t delay that too long. Keep posting. Very best wishes J

Edited by jenkins95
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wmacbride

wmacbride

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Posted

op,

Is there any way that you and your ow can sit down together, somewhere public like a restaurant, and have a final discussion? Explain to he that the A isn't good for either one of you, your spouses and families, and it needs to end. Let her know that if she really cares, this will be the greatest gift she can ever give you, and you to her.

 

One step at a time. Also, if you enjoy writing, try journaling or at least writing down your thoughts.

 

One thing I have heard that some people find really helpful is to journal everyday, and at the end of the week/month, read through what you have written. That way, you can see how far you have come .

 

Also, I know you don't want to tell your wife what has been going on, so I won't push that. What I will do is to make you aware that if she is noticing signs of what she feels is depression in you, you are hurting her. WHtehr or not she feels your mood is due to an affair is hard to say.

 

What I will say is have been in your wife's shoes ( except it was PTSD in m spouse) and it is a horrible place to be. You know something is up, but you don;t know what. You start to blame yourself.

 

You sound like, even though you have had an affair, you have a good heart and the last thing you want to do is hurt your wife and family. As it stands right now, your situation is untenable, and something has to give.

 

I do hope you can sort all of this out. Is there anyone you can talk to " in real life" about all of this?

 

Maybe what we need on here is a generic wayward spouses support thread :D:D.

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jenkins95

jenkins95

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Posted

Excellent post from wmac. She is coming from the former betrayed spouse angle and I feel that what she says is very much aligned with what I am saying from the former wayward spouse angle. I like the way wmac put it - sitting down like adults and respectfully, mutually agreeing to stop the affair would be the greatest gift you and the affair partner could give to both families.

 

There will be a lot to do after the A is over, but priority number one is to deal with that first. We are here for you.

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ConInLA

ConInLA

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It's just going to take time. I don't know why we all wait until the tortured process has already begun. Your first mistake was not addressing whatever it was that was making you so sad that you felt the need to even have an affair. Been there, done that, got a T-shirt!

 

You have to let her go. I get it. You "care" for her. Who do you care for more though? Your children? Your wife? Yourself? The latter three should be the proper response. I still come around here every blue moon because even months after my affair, I feel terrible about the past year sometimes. I couldn't imagine it being a 3-year affair. Mine was just 8 months of torture and it still was extremely hard to cut the cord.

 

No judgment here. You just have to let it go and recognize that YES it will be difficult. Not because you really love her but because of all of the other things that will happen after you confess or get caught. Eventually it will come out. A lot of women go the "revenge route" at the end of an affair. Hell, even I did! I just felt like being a vengeful person at the time to avoid my own accountability.

 

There's hope for you though. By the grace of God, my husband forgave me. I don't even know how he deals with me because I told him the complete and unadulterated truth. He also has had to see the despair that I have gone through all as a result of MY detrimental choices.

 

It just isn't worth it. You will forever have this stain on yourself and your marriage but you can recover from it. You and your OW may end up hating each other and you won't even have anything to show for this mess. You sound like a person who is finally waking up to how reckless and foolish he has been. Don't be like me and keep going back making things worse. Just get out! Confess and get counseling because you really will need someone to help you through this. All of the buried feelings of shame and regret are about to come to the surface and it will feel insurmountable at times but you CAN get through it.

 

I wish you good mental health and a speedy recovery. I hope that you can recover from this fully intact.

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aliveagain

aliveagain

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Posted (edited)

Wow, three years and now that [affair] may become the liability that hangs you. They don't just go away, three years is a long time to be emotionally and sexually involved with someone. Why don't you just become honest with everyone, the damage is already done(nothing you can do will ever permanently hide it or stop it from surfacing because you can't control other people) and it is only a matter of time before some form of discovery happens. You can't just have sex with someone for three years and expect them to go away quietly. You can't be in a marriage part time and expect to be a great husband and father. This is not going to end well for you, just my opinion. There is only one way out of this with a chance of survival and you already know what that is or you wouldn't be on this site asking strangers for opinions.

 

Life is 10% what you make it and the other 90% is how you take it. Three years ago you felt entitled enough to start a secret second life with someones wife. There is no walking away from this without people being damaged. I know I shouldn't post on threads of people actively cheating on their spouses because I am usually on the receiving end of the cheating. I just know that secrets this big destroy family's and they always have a way of surfacing. I have not read all of the posts on your thread.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Bradintx

Bradintx

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If I end it now there won’t be anything to come of it. She won’t say anything because she has too much to lose. She’s not crazy in that sense but is in many other respects. After having read and processed everything I’m ready to end it. I’m ready to get some semblance of my life back. It may never be the same after this but I truly think it would be light years better than what it is now. I know that I can’t take back three years. I also wish I could take back that moment when we first discussed texting and never done it. Oh well I know I can’t do that and the only thing I can do is end it and try to forget it.

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aliveagain

aliveagain

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Posted
If I end it now there won’t be anything to come of it. She won’t say anything because she has too much to lose. She’s not crazy in that sense but is in many other respects. After having read and processed everything I’m ready to end it. I’m ready to get some semblance of my life back. It may never be the same after this but I truly think it would be light years better than what it is now. I know that I can’t take back three years. I also wish I could take back that moment when we first discussed texting and never done it. Oh well I know I can’t do that and the only thing I can do is end it and try to forget it.

 

You don't know or can control what she does now or in the future. People who have one affair often go on to have others. You can never be 100% sure she never gets busted. You don't know what her husband may know now or discover 3 years from now. They always tell all to save their marriage when discovered. I found out about my ex's affair through a third party, friends confide in others and people that are friends now may not be friends later. You can't control other people. You will always be looking over your shoulder waiting for the hammer to drop. Ask the thousands of members on this site, we all discovered infidelity. Being found out is a lot worse for a wayward spouse then confessing.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

CautiouslyOptimistic

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You don't know or can control what she does now or in the future. People who have one affair often go on to have others. You can never be 100% sure she never gets busted. You don't know what her husband may know now or discover 3 years from now. They always tell all to save their marriage when discovered. I found out about my ex's affair through a third party, friends confide in others and people that are friends now may not be friends later. You can't control other people. You will always be looking over your shoulder waiting for the hammer to drop. Ask the thousands of members on this site, we all discovered infidelity. Being found out is a lot worse for a wayward spouse then confessing.

 

Agree. Brad, you can trust she's never going to come after you or even admit it willingly to her spouse, but you have no control over how careless she may become in hiding things once it is over, or when she gets into another affair.

 

You'll never be in the clear.

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Bradintx

Bradintx

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I’m not 100% sure she won’t again but my feeling is that she will never do this again just like me. She hadn’t before and is probably having the same feelings I am. I’m not too worried about any of that. She for sure won’t tell anyone. That’s not her MO. She’s a professional in the community and church she attends and so very unlikely she would ever yell a soul and there are a number of reasons why I don’t think she will have another affair. At least anytime soon.

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aliveagain

aliveagain

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Posted
I’m not 100% sure she won’t again but my feeling is that she will never do this again just like me. She hadn’t before and is probably having the same feelings I am. I’m not too worried about any of that. She for sure won’t tell anyone. That’s not her MO. She’s a professional in the community and church she attends and so very unlikely she would ever yell a soul and there are a number of reasons why I don’t think she will have another affair. At least anytime soon.

 

I'm sure her husband or your wife for that matter would never have believed their professional church going spouses would be cheating on them for three years. I guess I have it all wrong, that church going professional married woman will honor you more then she honored her husband, what was I thinking?

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CautiouslyOptimistic

CautiouslyOptimistic

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I’m not 100% sure she won’t again but my feeling is that she will never do this again just like me. She hadn’t before and is probably having the same feelings I am. I’m not too worried about any of that. She for sure won’t tell anyone. That’s not her MO. She’s a professional in the community and church she attends and so very unlikely she would ever yell a soul and there are a number of reasons why I don’t think she will have another affair. At least anytime soon.

 

I'm not implying that she will tell anyone. Just that there's no way YOU can know that something careless could happen and people won't find out. In my opinion, neither one of you should ever feel safe and in the clear.

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Striver

Striver

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Posted
Absolutely no reason to tell your wife. Don't do it. Those who want you to tell her on here have absolutely no idea how you feel. They never will. You are in utter turmoil and you came here for help. You feel like none is forthcoming...

 

But you do need to end it with the OW. And you do need to get counseling. It will help immensely. To be able to open your heart and express all the pain and heartache that this is causing you will help so much...

 

And then you will be able to love your wife and balance will return to your life.

 

I know.

[]

 

But he won't be opening his heart to his W. He'll be continuing to lie to her. Maybe he can love his wife, but isn't it kind of condescending?

 

Maybe that is the point. WS often develop an arrogant tone in their posts, and I've noticed it of OP as well. I'm not even trying to criticize, but facts are facts.

 

Maybe the OP shouldn't tell though. From his attitudes, I am guessing that if the W starts questioning, she will get stonewalled and trickle truthed to the hilt. Who knows, maybe it would work for the OP's purposes. IMO, there may be no going back from this sort of affair anyway, so may as well go all in the other way.

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TrustedthenBusted

TrustedthenBusted

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I didn't read all the pages, but as the kids say these days, you " caught the feels."

 

Party is over. Better just hope she doesn't flip out when you dump her. Playing with fire and all...

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  • 4 weeks later...
Healing321

Healing321

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Posted (edited)

I’ve read all 8 pages. My search for healing led me here. I’ve taken great comfort in many of the responses and been quite offended by some as well, but only because many of those judgemental comments used to be me. My husband had an affair 15 years ago. He has been caught ‘talking’ to many other women but I have only proof of one physical affair. I should have left so many years ago, but like many, i stayed for the kids. Now, my children are grown and gone, and a MM came into my life that charmed me off my feet. 1.5 years later, we have been having an affair that has destroyed me, yet I struggle to walk away. However, I am very much in love with him. He does not feel the same about me. While our affairs happened for different reasons, I no longer hate the OW. Where are you now in your journey Brad? And Jenkins - thank you for your willingness to share. I’ve been both, the horribly betrayed, devastated, and broken wife...now the one causing the pain. I never thought I’d be here, but I am. And I am funneling fast.

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road

road

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Posted
I’ve read all 8 pages. My search for healing led me here. I’ve taken great comfort in many of the responses and been quite offended by some as well, but only because many of those judgemental comments used to be me. My husband had an affair 15 years ago. He has been caught ‘talking’ to many other women but I have only proof of one physical affair. I should have left so many years ago, but like many, i stayed for the kids. Now, my children are grown and gone, and a MM came into my life that charmed me off my feet. 1.5 years later, we have been having an affair that has destroyed me, yet I struggle to walk away. However, I am very much in love with him. He does not feel the same about me. While our affairs happened for different reasons, I no longer hate the OW. Where are you now in your journey Brad? And Jenkins - thank you for your willingness to share. I’ve been both, the horribly betrayed, devastated, and broken wife...now the one causing the pain. I never thought I’d be here, but I am. And I am funneling fast.

 

You want to end your pain then start your own thread. We will

all be willing to help.

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