Having an affair w/ a MW

[stillafool]

Dear Road -

 

My thread is asking how he is now after NC. I will start my own thread if I feel I need to.

 

We can't talk to you about your problems on someone else's thread. Start your own if you want to discuss your problem.

[Healing321]

We can't talk to you about your problems on someone else's thread. Start your own if you want to discuss your problem.

 

Oh my goodness. I do NOT want to discuss my problems!! I’m asking him where he is on his journey. That’s it. I was looking for a reply from Brad only since it is his thread.

[jjgitties]

I’ve read all 8 pages. My search for healing led me here. I’ve taken great comfort in many of the responses and been quite offended by some as well, but only because many of those judgemental comments used to be me. My husband had an affair 15 years ago. He has been caught ‘talking’ to many other women but I have only proof of one physical affair. I should have left so many years ago, but like many, i stayed for the kids. Now, my children are grown and gone, and a MM came into my life that charmed me off my feet. 1.5 years later, we have been having an affair that has destroyed me, yet I struggle to walk away. However, I am very much in love with him. He does not feel the same about me. While our affairs happened for different reasons, I no longer hate the OW. Where are you now in your journey Brad? And Jenkins - thank you for your willingness to share. I’ve been both, the horribly betrayed, devastated, and broken wife...now the one causing the pain. I never thought I’d be here, but I am. And I am funneling fast.

 

You are being used for sex by the MM you are in love with. Its your own live and your own choice if you want to be in that situation or not.

 

Oh my goodness. I do NOT want to discuss my problems!! I’m asking him where he is on his journey. That’s it. I was looking for a reply from Brad only since it is his thread.

 

Yeah, you might want to start your own thread if you want to. I too am curious how OP's story turned out. Given that it was from Oct 2017, I guess the saga is still on-folding itself.

[jjgitties]

Jumping into this a little late.. hope things are turning out okay for OP.

 

..She is neurotic and has lots of weird personality traits that I don’t find attractive at all. I must admit I do love her on some level but could never marry her....

 

oh no...

 

Well I have taken in and read everything and then truly appreciate everyone’s thoughts and advice. Truth is I do love the OW and have feelings for her and her for me. But we know that there is no way we would want to disrupt our families to be with each other. That’s a fact. I’m not scared of ending it with her. She would never do anything to me or want to disrupt her situation. It probably is more of a physical thing that keeps me from stopping it. I know I’ve been unhappy for the last year and a half. There are times when I’m happy with it but more times than not I’m miserable. Miserable for what I’m doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that I’m a sorry human being. Reading this and even typing this out is actually helping me to see what I need to do. I know I would be happier to end it. I want this burden to over so I can have my life back. I want to be the old me. My friends know something is going on. My coworkers know something is wrong. They comment all the time that I’m not the same person I used to be. I want to be me again.

 

^^ I have been unhappy for the last 10+ years. But I always somehow knew deep down that having sex with another woman would probably make me more miserable and confused me and turn me into a bigger ****up than I already am.

 

I honestly don’t know the best way to stop this. Yes I did it. Yes I take full responsibility for what I’ve done. I chose this. I own this. I’m not afraid of owning it. That’s part of my unhappiness is my disdain for myself in getting myself in this situation. I wish I could have a do over. I would never have texted her that first time. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to get drawn in. The crazy thing is I distanced myself many times from her because I thought she was getting to in love with me. I didn’t want to allow her to do that. Now I find myself not wanting to let her go but I know that’s the right thing and the only thing to do.

 

There is only one way to do it. Go No Contact all the way 100% and keep drinking your way through it.

 

If I end it now there won’t be anything to come of it. She won’t say anything because she has too much to lose. She’s not crazy in that sense but is in many other respects. After having read and processed everything I’m ready to end it. I’m ready to get some semblance of my life back. It may never be the same after this but I truly think it would be light years better than what it is now. I know that I can’t take back three years. I also wish I could take back that moment when we first discussed texting and never done it. Oh well I know I can’t do that and the only thing I can do is end it and try to forget it.

 

Just saying that to point out the unlikelyhood of her telling anyone.

 

Don't count on it. People talk to other people they know well to get things off their mind and conscience. You don't know this woman from didley. You dont know if affairs is what she normally does and its her thing and you may be one of a long line of men that has come and gone in her extra marital affair. You also dont know what kinds of friends she has and who she confides in. You will be surprised how small the world sometimes is - even in a major metropolitan city with over 4 million people like where I am. ;-)

[justbetweenus]

I want to end it, but it is hard for a number of reasons.

 

If you had a fulfilling, loving, emotionally intimate relationship with your wife it would be easy for you to leave, and never look back.

 

As long as you keep this affair alive you will not be able to work on your marriage, and get close enough to your wife in a way that will satisfy your needs. You won't experience a true love or connection with either woman. You are cheating both yourself and your wife from what could be a satisfying happy, healthy relationship. Your weak choices is what is making you a weak man.

 

It sounded like this affair has been going on a long time. The fact that your wife has not picked up on it, or noticed behavior changes in you makes me think she is just as distant from you as you are her. Maybe she is cheating on you too? You seriously need to get in to both couples and individual therapy.

[CoolHandLuke1976]

Can you promise to do us a favor? When your life blows up because of what a horrible husband and father you are betraying your family like you do, please come back and describe how utterly destroyed you are. It's very therapeutic for the innocent people here who have been victimized by people like you. You could call it part of your comeuppance and a step toward redemption. Is this the kind of man you want to be? Why not stop being a total douche, man up, and do the right thing? It's not that hard, you know.

[Bradintx]

So we went no contact for a while. She texted and I responded. We started up again. It’s been three weeks since last physical, but I ended it again and haven’t talked to her in the past week. I’ve reread the entire thread over and over. Lots of good points but some bad assumptions. I’m not perfect. I want to do right. I have ended it and will not contact her again except for when we are at some public event. I did and do care about the ow but I love and care about my wife more and my family more. This affair thing is crazy. It makes you do do dumb things. Or at least irrational things. I am still reading replies and still want all opinions and advice to come as it does help me to make the right decisions.

[Healing321]

I have also gained healing through your experience. Thank you for coming back to share with us.

[TrustedthenBusted]

It's run its course.

 

These things, when undetected, always eventually run their course.

 

Question is, will this be the last one?

 

Probably not. No consequences.

[Bradintx]

It’s the only one and the last one for me. Ever. She tried to communicate with me and I was ugly to her so maybe she won’t ever try to text me again. I don’t like this feeling. I do my like what it did to me and how it affected my family. I’m done. I will never put myself or family in this position again.

[Healing321]

Brad,

 

I appreciate you being honest. There are people on here who are ugly and Judgemental. I was a wife who was cheated on many years ago. Now I’m on the other foot and it’s killing me inside. Some nights I pray just not to wake up because I’m so hurt. Thank you for telling your story. I hope one day I can wake up and not want to contact him, not cry, not hurt, not feel panicked inside, and to maybe be happy one day.

[jjgitties]

It’s the only one and the last one for me. Ever. She tried to communicate with me and I was ugly to her so maybe she won’t ever try to text me again. I don’t like this feeling. I do my like what it did to me and how it affected my family. I’m done. I will never put myself or family in this position again.

 

So did you block her and delete her from all contacts and social? It ain't gonna end until you go NC. It's just the way it is. You will always be one text away from restarting.

 

I was is a quasi EA a while ago. I did it. Though, given, it was maybe easier for me cause there was no PA . But it's doable. If you really want to feel better. I did it for my own sanity. Had to. I was constantly feeling like crap all day long.

[Yosemite]

It’s the only one and the last one for me. Ever. She tried to communicate with me and I was ugly to her so maybe she won’t ever try to text me again. I don’t like this feeling. I do my like what it did to me and how it affected my family. I’m done. I will never put myself or family in this position again.

 

Wow, that wasn’t the wisest move to make. Once she realizes that this isn’t temporary and that you don’t want any contact with her anymore, she’s going to feel that you treated her like trash the second you no longer wanted sex from her…and that will probably make her angry. She could blow up your marriage if she decided to, and if she’s pissed off enough, she just might. She could tell your wife any lie she wanted to. She could say that she saw you with another woman, she could start spreading rumors that you cheated to people who she knows will repeat that gossip to your wife. She could “accidentally” let her kids overhear her talking to someone about you cheating and they’ll either tease or tell your kids…I mean, there are a million ways she could cause you trouble while still covering her own ass.

 

If her husband finds out or she decides to confess to her husband or if they divorce, it’s almost guaranteed that she’ll tell your wife about the affair because of how you ended it. I think it was a mistake to be nasty when ending it, but I don't think that opening up contact to apologize is a good move either.

[jjgitties]

Yeah OP, given the fact that you have determined that she is "neurotic" and/or her "mentally stability" is in question -- did it even cross you mind that she might do something that is in her "character" if you piss her off?

[Bradintx]

Zero chance she will tell. She texted me still wanting to be friends and still wanting to hang out. I told her to find an excuse not to come to a party we are having later and that being just friends was never going to happen. She said she hated losing me as I friend as she felt I was the best friend she has. She was mine as well at one time.

 

Her dad had an affair that broke their family up and he got sick this week and no one cared much. Everyone hated him for it. She said she felt like she was looking at her future when she looked at her dad. I understand that but there is no way I can just be friends with her and not have old feelings to come up. I need complete NC and not friend texting.

 

I was probably wrong but I made it very clear in a harsh manner that just being friends and hanging out was not going to work and by being mean and ugly about it I felt like it would decrease the chance of any further contact from her. I have no social media ties to her anymore and deleted and blocked her number. I’m trying. I’m not like in shambles or anything but it does suck and am hopeful I can just forget about her very soon.

 

I still think about her as it’s fresh but hopefully I can get back to my old roots and find the things I used to enjoy like fishing fun again and have the desire to do so. Also this will allow me to focus on my wife and family and hopefully rekindle what we have lost due to my very dumb decision making.

Edited January 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So is she friends with your wife on social media? You're having a party today that she was invited to?

Edited January 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

[Bradintx]

She is friends with my wife on social media. The party is in a few weeks. I just told her to make sure she found an excuse not to come.

[Bradintx]

Brad,

 

I appreciate you being honest. There are people on here who are ugly and Judgemental. I was a wife who was cheated on many years ago. Now I’m on the other foot and it’s killing me inside. Some nights I pray just not to wake up because I’m so hurt. Thank you for telling your story. I hope one day I can wake up and not want to contact him, not cry, not hurt, not feel panicked inside, and to maybe be happy one day.

 

I can tell you that I was all of those things at one time or another. I’m sorry you feel the way you do. Went through the same exact things. I think for me it has helped that I really wanted out. It’s weird how you really know that what you’re doing is not right yet it’s hard to find the strength to do the right thing. I know it should be easy and sounds easy enough to do but it isn’t. Like I’ve said before my biggest regret now is picking up the phone and texting her that first night. I wish I had a donover and never did that. I did what I did though and I own it. But im having a bit of a hard time today. I know it will go away eventually and look forward to when it does.

 

What’s the big deal? I guess I’m missing something

Edited January 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[Bradintx]

[] This has been easier than I thought it would be in terms of thoughts and feelings for the OW. It’s not nearly as difficult as I was anticipating it would be. It may be shock it may be something else I don’t know. I may have different feelings tomorrow or next week I don’t know. I think reading and preparing myself for this helped. I’m ready to move on become the old me again. I liked him much better.

Edited January 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted posts redacted

[elaine567]

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

Three years is a long time.

[]If she is a neurotic as you say, she is a loose cannon.

 

Be careful, this could all blow up on you big time

Edited January 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Inflammatory content redacted and member moderated

[wmacbride]

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

Three years is a long time.

[]If she is a neurotic as you say, she is a loose cannon.

 

Be careful, this could all blow up on you big time

 

true enough.

 

even a "good" affair ending with an unstable ow/om can lead to trouble. all these years later, i can attest to that. The ow in our situation still pops her head in to try and stir the pot from time to time...and this is after a very brief affair...

Edited January 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quote edited

[William]

Be aware moderation is watching this thread and has a list of the usual suspects and we're getting ready to do our spring cleanup. I'd suggest either finding another forum to vent the bile on or suck it up and post to the topic within our guidelines. Once you're gone, you'll never be welcomed back. This also applies to members who defend the thread starter. None of this is welcomed at LoveShack.org. We do welcome adults who choose to follow our guidelines of discussion. Thanks!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She is friends with my wife on social media. The party is in a few weeks. I just told her to make sure she found an excuse not to come.

 

Don't you think your wife might notice that you've unfriended and blocked this woman eventually, and wonder why? I'm glad you've made the decisions you have and are finding it easier than you thought, but it doesn't really seem like you believe that there's still a likelihood of this eventually coming out....

[Bradintx]

No I’m not worried about Facebook stuff. No one will notice except the OW. I’m not worried about her being vengeful or anything like that. She’s not That unstable at all and again she has way too much to lose to risk saying anything to anyone about it. It’s over and done and don’t think she will try to contact me again or say anything to anyone about it. OW isn’t wired that way.

[Bradintx]

So she contacted my wife one night telling her how beautiful she looked. I heard about it and texted ow why she was texting her. We started texting again and now she wants to continue our deal and still wants to see me. Haven’t yet. Still in limbo.