Question for middle aged (40 somethings) that are divorced dads

[40somethingGuy]

How did you do in the aftermath of your divorce given especially you have kids. Especially when it came to dating and finding a new lover. Was dating pretty limited and hard? If you dated a divorced mom with kids was that easier? What are some of the successes and challenges you faced? I have to say the prospect that this may be me is scary to me.

[Cobra_X]

How did you do in the aftermath of your divorce given especially you have kids. Especially when it came to dating and finding a new lover. Was dating pretty limited and hard? If you dated a divorced mom with kids was that easier? What are some of the successes and challenges you faced? I have to say the prospect that this may be me is scary to me.

 

I don't have kids yet, so I can't answer that aspect.

 

However, I have a huge amount of experience with divorce and dating. The divorce itself was as nasty as it can be without kids. Wild accusations and fighting over assets was bad. She even lied about abuse and got me put in jail for a few hours. All I can say is that getting rid of a bad wife might be brutal... but worth it.

 

When it comes to dating. I went through maybe 30 women a year on average. I got laid like a champ. Best time of my life really. Before that I never considered myself good with the ladies, but the information available today gives you a road map for doing really well. I mean most women just run on pure instinct and it becomes super easy to game once you know how. I think having kids would just make this easier as they will expect less availability from you.

 

Divorced single moms are great. They don't take too much time and the sex is usually from good to great.

 

The biggest challenge is getting into shape and staying there. Following that it's learning game. Learning game will also help you make a marriage work down the line, because then you understand what your wife wants from you. If you look good then you can flex down to women all the way into their late 20's. If you are mediocre, but have a solid career you can do the same. Men hit peak attractive in late 30's early 40's. If your not doing well in your home area, travel a bit. Foreign women are better than the locals in most circumstances.

Edited October 23, 2017 by Cobra_X

[40somethingGuy]

I don't have kids yet, so I can't answer that aspect.

 

However, I have a huge amount of experience with divorce and dating. The divorce itself was as nasty as it can be without kids. Wild accusations and fighting over assets was bad. She even lied about abuse and got me put in jail for a few hours. All I can say is that getting rid of a bad wife might be brutal... but worth it.

 

When it comes to dating. I went through maybe 30 women a year on average. I got laid like a champ. Best time of my life really. Before that I never considered myself good with the ladies, but the information available today gives you a road map for doing really well. I mean most women just run on pure instinct and it becomes super easy to game once you know how. I think having kids would just make this easier as they will expect less availability from you.

 

Divorced single moms are great. They don't take too much time and the sex is usually from good to great.

 

The biggest challenge is getting into shape and staying there. Following that it's learning game. Learning game will also help you make a marriage work down the line, because then you understand what your wife wants from you. If you look good then you can flex down to women all the way into their late 20's. If you are mediocre, but have a solid career you can do the same. Men hit peak attractive in late 30's early 40's. If your not doing well in your home area, travel a bit. Foreign women are better than the locals in most circumstances.

 

Thanks for your response. Given I have been with the same woman for almost 14 years now (42 now) I feel like I have to re-learn the game part. I know there are a billion sources out there some better than others I hear. What would you recommend? As far as shape, I am in decent shape. 6 months of working out and I will look spectacular. When I was in my 20s I devoted a lot of time to working out and I was looking like a champ. However, I later learned the game part and landed my now wife who is Indian, largest natural boobs ever, and has a really sexy face although her body has gone south over the years.

[Raena]

Oh please. If you are looking to score tons of dates and get laid all the time, by all means, learn the game and play the field as suggested by the other poster. I will tell you though that most decent women do not want a man who is playing the field.

 

No wonder why it's so hard for me to find a decent man in my age range... they all think like you two.

[40somethingGuy]

Oh please. If you are looking to score tons of dates and get laid all the time, by all means, learn the game and play the field as suggested by the other poster. I will tell you though that most decent women do not want a man who is playing the field.

 

No wonder why it's so hard for me to find a decent man in my age range... they all think like you two.

 

'Game' by guy jargon is how to attract and keep her interested. There is nothing wrong with that. Truth is that men who bear their heart and are 'nice guys' get dumped quickly. and there is nothing wrong at all with 'playing the field' until you find the one you want to settle with. I think even decent women can understand that.

[Cobra_X]

Thanks for your response. Given I have been with the same woman for almost 14 years now (42 now) I feel like I have to re-learn the game part. I know there are a billion sources out there some better than others I hear. What would you recommend? As far as shape, I am in decent shape. 6 months of working out and I will look spectacular. When I was in my 20s I devoted a lot of time to working out and I was looking like a champ. However, I later learned the game part and landed my now wife who is Indian, largest natural boobs ever, and has a really sexy face although her body has gone south over the years.

 

I have a thing for Indian women myself... so I can relate to this.

 

My suggestion is just to look for forums that cater to men learning how to game. Really it just comes down to learning the seduction process. It doesn't work on every woman... because they are individuals. However, they often share many traits in common and it will allow you to score big with certain personality types or groups.

 

Many guys say that going to India is really not good for meeting women, but because of my looks/personality and how I work my mojo... I did really well in India. However, I don't do well with some groups of women that other guys really perform well with. Cheerleader types and club rats will never like me.

 

Oh please. If you are looking to score tons of dates and get laid all the time, by all means, learn the game and play the field as suggested by the other poster. I will tell you though that most decent women do not want a man who is playing the field.

No wonder why it's so hard for me to find a decent man in my age range... they all think like you two.

 

Most decent women can't tell the difference. The reason you have such a hard time is because you walk right past the guys who don't know how to play the game... they don't come across as sexy or attractive. I'm always open to a relationship with a great lady... it's just that when you have lots of options a guy can be pickier. The pickier you get the more women want to be with you.

[somanymistakes]

Learning the dating game will improve your chances with randomly-selected women. It will never guarantee you success with every individual woman.

 

Basically, if you're going to dating locations and meeting other randomly-selected people who are mingling and looking for a match, your odds at getting a date, or sex, or even marriage are increased by being good at generic dating skills.

 

However, many specific individuals will never be met in those locations in the first place, or are put off by what they perceive as game. Some may be put off precisely because it improves your odds at scattershot dating of random people. Using those skills on them makes them feel like they are not being treated as the special unique snowflakes they really are. (And I am a very special snowflake so I can say that.)

 

Going to the gym, being more confident, dressing in tastefully expensive clothes, all of this will do absolutely nothing to win the heart of someone who wants to be courted for her uniqueness. Which is fine, if she's not the person you're looking for in the first place!

 

But you're barking up the wrong tree if you assume that all women who haven't found a perfect match yet are simply walking past hordes of nice guys with poor dating skills. Many are also walking past the guys with dating skills because they're not interested... and may eventually end up with the sort of nice guy with his heart on his sleeve that you're mocking, if he has the unique characteristics they're in search of.

 

But the odds of meeting your perfect match are a lot lower than the odds of meeting someone who you can have a good time with.

[Striver]

If you want sex, a girlfriend, that is relatively easy to come by. Some game 101 is fine. Learn the venues that you are comfortable and make you look the best. Figure out if an online approach can work for you. There are many venues today.

 

Divorced single moms are fine. You should be getting at least good sex out of any relationship. It's just the way of the world today, it's what the women have to offer to be blunt.

 

So cruise the net and get some low level advice. I would stay away from the hard cord gamer stuff as it isn't necessary unless the whole thing is a major interest or hobby for you. Just get some 101 advice to get you started.

 

To me, the sex is the easier part of the divorced lifestyle. Getting other things are harder. I'm a lot more suspect of a good LTR coming out of any of this. Even the best of what you meet out there is going to have issues and some flakiness.

 

As someone else said, no nice guy act. A lot of "game" is just presenting your needs in a more attractive package. Dressing yourself up. You've been hurt, women have been hurt, we all have been hurt. You SHOULD have some reticence. Make it work for you without being bitter about it.

 

Good luck!

[Cobra_X]

However, many specific individuals will never be met in those locations in the first place, or are put off by what they perceive as game. Some may be put off precisely because it improves your odds at scattershot dating of random people. Using those skills on them makes them feel like they are not being treated as the special unique snowflakes they really are. (And I am a very special snowflake so I can say that.)

 

Look, improving your game can take you from being attractive to .001% of the female population to 5 or 10% of the female population. There are some things that are virtually universal in what women are looking for in a partner.

 

I'm telling you that you just have to tailor your game to the type of woman you want to attract. Also understand that many women will straight rule you out just based on things you cannot control, ethnicity, height, face shape... too muscular, too scrawny... ect.

 

Going to the gym, being more confident, dressing in tastefully expensive clothes, all of this will do absolutely nothing to win the heart of someone who wants to be courted for her uniqueness. Which is fine, if she's not the person you're looking for in the first place!

 

Female attraction is created by a desire to find a healthy looking mate with a social station that matches her desires. Looking Fit will always help... there are chubby chasers but not many. A man's clothing choices denote social station. Some women want a biker guy, or a gangsta, others want a rich guy, others want a blue collar working man... ect. Your style has an impact on who finds you attractive... and it's very easy to change.

 

But you're barking up the wrong tree if you assume that all women who haven't found a perfect match yet are simply walking past hordes of nice guys with poor dating skills. Many are also walking past the guys with dating skills because they're not interested... and may eventually end up with the sort of nice guy with his heart on his sleeve that you're mocking, if he has the unique characteristics they're in search of.

 

Unicorns. Do you seriously suggest to these boys who can't get dates because they lack skills wait for a unicorn to come along and save them? Sure it happens sometimes. The same way that someone wins the lottery.

 

Unicorns aside... most women who can't find a relationship are indeed ignoring hordes of men who were just never taught how to be a man. It's the nature of dating today. Women have too many options thrown at them and so they have to weed out the failures. I would do the same thing in their position.

[somanymistakes]

Unicorns. Do you seriously suggest to these boys who can't get dates because they lack skills wait for a unicorn to come along and save them? Sure it happens sometimes. The same way that someone wins the lottery.

 

No, I don't suggest they just wait around. I agree that learning some dating skills is generally going to improve your life and your chances. It's not a bad thing to do at all as long as you're not a jerk about it (I am not saying that YOU are a jerk. I am saying that some PUAs are jerks.)

 

Basically I'm just trying to take a mediator position here between your angle and Raena's angle, to explain why some women will indeed be put off by a guy they think is a player, but why that doesn't necessarily matter.

 

most women who can't find a relationship are indeed ignoring hordes of men who were just never taught how to be a man.

 

Probably. But they're probably also ignoring men who WERE taught 'how to be a man', because that particular flavor of manliness doesn't appeal to them.

 

I'm an instinctive compromise finder, you see, so I'm trying to show you how you're both right in different ways.

[40somethingGuy]

No, I don't suggest they just wait around. I agree that learning some dating skills is generally going to improve your life and your chances. It's not a bad thing to do at all as long as you're not a jerk about it (I am not saying that YOU are a jerk. I am saying that some PUAs are jerks.)

 

Basically I'm just trying to take a mediator position here between your angle and Raena's angle, to explain why some women will indeed be put off by a guy they think is a player, but why that doesn't necessarily matter.

 

 

 

Probably. But they're probably also ignoring men who WERE taught 'how to be a man', because that particular flavor of manliness doesn't appeal to them.

 

I'm an instinctive compromise finder, you see, so I'm trying to show you how you're both right in different ways.

 

 

Let's not hijack the thread. This is intended for divorced dads and how they adjust to the dating world as well as successes and challenges. Thanks.

[central]

I decided to divorce my ex (for many good reasons) when I was 44. It was the right decision, and it was a very good decision. We had one son, about 13 at the time. We were devoted co-parents, and that worked out well for him.

 

As for me, getting back into the dating world was like being a kid in a candy store, especially after being in a long-term sexless relationship. I enjoyed myself, but I was seeking a lasting relationship. Sure, it was difficult finding highly compatible dates, but I was able to find good dates quite easily, using OLD, although many of my best matches were over 100 miles away. Within a year, I met a fantastically compatible and beautiful match, with two kids about the age of my son. (I also met a surprising number of fantastic - almost as compatible - women without children, some of whom had never been married.) It's now many years later, and we're still just as good a match, and very happy.

[Gr8fuln2020]

How did you do in the aftermath of your divorce given especially you have kids. Especially when it came to dating and finding a new lover. Was dating pretty limited and hard? If you dated a divorced mom with kids was that easier? What are some of the successes and challenges you faced? I have to say the prospect that this may be me is scary to me.

 

It is difficult. I am in my late-40s with two pre-teen children (started late :-)). I find that many of the ladies I would like to date are finished raising kids and are very hesitant about dating a single father. My children's mother is not in the picture, so no ex drama, but many are not interested in a man who has pre-teen kids.

 

Also, I am very fit/active and very few women or men for that matter, at this point in life, take care of themselves. So, my window of opportunity is very very small.

 

Interestingly, many ladies who have no children (never had) seem keen on being in a relationship with a single father. Of course, ladies with similar aged kiddos are the most promising. It has been my experience that many of those ladies also have disruptive exes. Oh well....still looking.

[TheWoman]

Im mid 40s, youngish children and dating....

 

The childless & never married I have found mostly incompatible. The reasons why no one took them off the 'market' usually becomes very obvious. Or maybe only ever having yourself to think about makes them neurotic after 40 years or so. No such chance with kids about!

 

Other divorced parents are great in that they 'understand' and have similar time constraints. However if the ex is problematic it can have a really negative effect on the relationship. Later on I imagine blending families will bring its own problems too.

 

With regards to dating and sex.... I think a lot of people in our boat are really interested in having someone to be intimate with, whether it goes anywhere is less important. So be good in bed! I am shocked by how truly awful some people are, and amount of erectile dysfunction is just depressing. Be giving and adventurous (and hard ) and you will be a very popular man!

 

We're not kids anymore, and my actual children are my priority (as I am sure yours are). People our age usually dont need anything from anyone except physical and emotional intimacy, if you can deliver on those fronts you are a catch!

[Cephalopod]

I divorced my xWW after finding out she was a serial cheater. It was the best decision I ever made. I fought for, and got full custody, of my daughter who is now a lovely and accomplished teenager.

 

 

I was scared to death of being a single parent, but I knew I could not allow my xWW to have a detrimental influence on my daughter. So for the past eight years I have been a single dad and I have learned to embrace it and love it.

 

 

I waited a long time before I ever stepped out into the dating world. After about four years I started dating again and finally ended up making a friend with a woman who has a similar background to mine. She was cheated on and abused by her xWH, divorced him, and spent many years as a single mom raising her son by herself. She is now married to her career and never wants to marry again.

 

 

We have a very comfortable FWB relationship, and we are free to date others even though neither of us do. She has her own place and I have mine and I doubt we will ever move in together. I spend one night every weekend at her place while my daughter stays at her aunt's house. And occasionally we get together for "lunch" on days when we can get away from our offices. It is an arrangement that has served us well for three years now and I wouldn't change it.

 

 

I realize my situation is a bit unique. It would not be an arrangement I would recommend to just anyone.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I guess I am hardly qualified to open my mouth here being from another universe as far as most folk on this forum are concerned. However I thought I'd chip in with something that I have increasingly heard about in the last decade or more. What I have heard discussed is that women have come out increasingly from the woodwork, shedding their modest good girl image and are now pursuing men with probably the same vigour that men were used to displaying in days of yore. I think one of the reasons that there is a rising trend of affairs and infidelity especially with regard to women may be attributable to this phenomenon. Women no longer think that they should wait for a man to make the first move and will often 'hit' on a man irrespective of whether he is single or married if he signifies something that is attractive to them.

 

Having said that, I have also read that divorced and widowed older women are also on the hunt for a good and dependable man to share their life with. These women, while not exactly desperate, are more open to connecting with men who, like them, are widowed or divorced and are looking for a companion. I may be wrong and I know that this is a generic trend and will not be applicable to individual women who may have their own criteria for selecting a man who fits the template they have in mind. Hope this helps the discussion to keep going forward. Warm wishes.

[jjgitties]

Hi Folks, I guess I am hardly qualified to open my mouth here being from another universe as far as most folk on this forum are concerned. However I thought I'd chip in with something that I have increasingly heard about in the last decade or more. What I have heard discussed is that women have come out increasingly from the woodwork, shedding their modest good girl image and are now pursuing men with probably the same vigour that men were used to displaying in days of yore. I think one of the reasons that there is a rising trend of affairs and infidelity especially with regard to women may be attributable to this phenomenon. Women no longer think that they should wait for a man to make the first move and will often 'hit' on a man irrespective of whether he is single or married if he signifies something that is attractive to them.

 

Having said that, I have also read that divorced and widowed older women are also on the hunt for a good and dependable man to share their life with. These women, while not exactly desperate, are more open to connecting with men who, like them, are widowed or divorced and are looking for a companion. I may be wrong and I know that this is a generic trend and will not be applicable to individual women who may have their own criteria for selecting a man who fits the template they have in mind. Hope this helps the discussion to keep going forward. Warm wishes.

 

i am a male. in my view, anything is possible. from what i see though -- and I live in a very big metropolitan city that has a lot of immigrants -- the great majority of people seem to come across as very conservative and very attached to their families. i dont see them hitting on men at all. it almost seems like they are from a very different era when what women were like when i was in my 20s chasing women.

 

just my 2 cents.

[health]

This whole "game" thing and sleeping with 30 women seems so inauthentic.

 

But hey if it works it works.

 

Just off a break up in 8 years I've only dated 4 girls.

 

The last being a model. It was really scary and tough. One night stands left me feeling more empty.

 

Id want another long term relationship. And sleeping with alot of girls would hamper my goals.

 

Then Id have to accept a girl who slept with alot of guys and thats not what Im looking for.

 

Good luck everyone.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Hi Folks, I guess I am hardly qualified to open my mouth here being from another universe as far as most folk on this forum are concerned. However I thought I'd chip in with something that I have increasingly heard about in the last decade or more. What I have heard discussed is that women have come out increasingly from the woodwork, shedding their modest good girl image and are now pursuing men with probably the same vigour that men were used to displaying in days of yore. I think one of the reasons that there is a rising trend of affairs and infidelity especially with regard to women may be attributable to this phenomenon. Women no longer think that they should wait for a man to make the first move and will often 'hit' on a man irrespective of whether he is single or married if he signifies something that is attractive to them.

 

I am in my late 40s and haven't heard this, though it may have contributed to the increase in cheating among women. Of course, men have been doing it forever. I think part of it is that women are less likely today to sit back and take the crap that men have been dishing out.

 

Having said that, I have also read that divorced and widowed older women are also on the hunt for a good and dependable man to share their life with. These women, while not exactly desperate, are more open to connecting with men who, like them, are widowed or divorced and are looking for a companion. I may be wrong and I know that this is a generic trend and will not be applicable to individual women who may have their own criteria for selecting a man who fits the template they have in mind. Hope this helps the discussion to keep going forward. Warm wishes.

 

I agree with this, but many find themselves partially broken from such relationships or relationships that have come after the initial breaks. Many suspicious and jaded minds out there and dating in general is made so much more complicated and unpredictable.

[jjgitties]

For those men >40.. who had to get back into dating again. What did you do with regards to learning how to date again? where do you pickup tips on how to talk and how to dress again?

 

I haven't dated in ages and the world seems to have changed a great deal.

 

Are most of the women you met only looking for casual?

 

my hopes down the road are to attract the type of woman i always wanted to be with but they never were attracted to me. this is the problem i got myself into and now i am paying for it. i should have held out for "the one" that i was madly in love with. i attracted the type of women where there was a sexual chemistry but i didn't really love her with all my heart .. and in retrospect i think the feeling was reciprocal. now i am paying the price for it.

 

i want to befriend the type of women i always wanted but who was never much interested in me and try to develop a real friendship and connection and something substantial before i decide to go to bed with her and/or pursue a relationship.