Is reconciliation possible?

[jmvargas]

Hello everyone,

 

My wife and I were together for 9 years married for 4. I'm 40 years old and she is 30 and no kids. In the beginning everything was great. The issues that crept into our marriage were mainly caused by me. My wife is absolutely exceptional and is a great person.

 

I know I took her for granted for many years. I have many issues/traumas that I never dealt with from childhood including depression, social anxiety and PTSD. For many years she asked me go seek counseling. I did but I never truly committed to healing from my mental health problems. I often had trouble following through with things I started like law school and many other things. I'm still pursuing my law degree but its hard when suffering from mental health problems. I know that my reluctance to seek help placed her in a difficult position with her friends and family as I was often absent from events. Sometimes I would seek counseling or go on medication but I would stop if I didn't see progress. I have a problem with patience. I was often depressed and did not want to participate in family events.

 

My mother suffered a severe stroke in 2014 and I fell into an even deeper depression due to that. Our sex life become non-existent. As I realized that our sex life was on life support I suggested that we should have an open marriage or at least experiment with other people to see if that could spark our sex life. We never delineated the details. During a trip she had with her mom she slept with some man she met. I did not find out about this until I had officially moved out after she told me that she didn't think we were right for each other. She tried to explain that she slept with that man in the hopes that it would spark her sex drive and bring us closer. She has always been honest with me. She never had to admit to this affair as things were already over. From what she tells me she believes doing that was a mistake. I have been devastated. Shortly after the separation a friend of mine told me he found her profile on Tinder. I have been so sad that I can't even function to do regular things. I confronted he about it asking why she was so eager to date so soon. She deleted it right away and said she did it as a distraction. We have now been separated for almost three months. We will meet in a few weeks to sign divorce papers.

 

We have been in contact via email and texts. Recently she told me that she has been in therapy because has been having a hard time. For some reason I believed that she was moving on without me without any issues. But I guess she has been sad and depressed too and crying ever day. She tells me that she still loves me but that love is not enough to keep us together. She tells me that the only way we could ever be right for each other is if we did growing separately. When she says that I know she is mainly talking about me. She is very emotionally mature and grew up in family where healthy expression of emotions was encouraged. My family is the total opposite. My family is dysfunctional as they come.

 

Since I left our home I have sough therapy and have been going regularly for months now. I will soon get meds for anxiety and depression. I started doing yoga and meditating. I'm doing all these things for me but I'm obviously still hopeful that she will see these changes and will give our relationship another chance. I have accepted that our marriage is over but I hope to somehow win her back by changing all the things she found unacceptable in me. I know I should have done all that when I was with her but I resisted and took her needs for granted. I really do know she loves me and I love her. Is it possible that she will give me a chance and maybe start dating me at some point in the future? I know its a long shot but I'm willing to win her back. Deep down I know I had to reach rock bottom in order to get my life in order and finally deal with my issues. How can I show her I can be a better man? Has anyone ever accomplished this or am I just dreaming of something that is impossible and unattainable?

 

Please comment, suggest... thank you.

 

PS. this is my first time posting so if I posted in the wrong forum please direct me to the right place. I just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks.

Edited October 23, 2017 by jmvargas

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jm, Sorry to hear about your difficult situation. After reading through your post what comes to mind is that your marriage has been decaying for a long time and nothing much was being done to nourish it. Now it is on the verge of giving up the ghost. Considering the fact that there is a ten year difference between you and your wife and the fact that you are a bundle of of major romance killing issues which you have not been able to sort out, the way I see it is that you will be best off on your own fighting your demons without involving someone else in the mix. I think you have a long way to go before you are marriage material and you will have to work hard at getting over all these hangups that you spoke of, completely, before you can think of engaging with someone else in a romantic manner.

 

While your wife may have issues, those may be the result of having been associated with you and for so long and with having to handle this break up. Your having suggested that you two open your marriage and her having tried out the concept is an added guilt burden on her. I do not know why you ever thought up such a hare brained scheme in the first place. Open marriages work for people who are secure in their marriages and not people teetering on the brink of a break up as you two were. To top it all you then blamed her for it when it was your idea to start with. Keeping all this in mind I think your relationship with your wife is now done and dusted and I think she is going to move on and find someone with whom she can start on a clean slate without the baggage of past heartbreaks and issues. I guess for this you have only yourself to blame. You ignored all the warning signs and now, when it is too late, you want to reconcile. It is like trying to fight a forest fire with a fire extinguisher. Sorry if all this sounds harsh but you have to face up to real life and the results of the bad choices you kept making when you had the time to reverse your actions. Best wishes.

[standtall]

Nope,,,this one is DOA unless you want her to forever step out on you and you have to deal with it. There are several billion other women on the planet, find a better one.