Heartbroken over my ex, on going battle of 7 years.

[C5785]

Hello everyone, my story is long and I honestly don't even know where to begin. I've been dealing with this for the past 7 years. I'll do the best I can..

I met my ex visiting family that live 6 hours away from me, 7 years ago..

I met him through my niece who is two years older than myself, we hung out and partied, and got to know one another. I spent two weeks there.. I decided to add him on face book.. and we talked a lot..and when I came back months later, we decided to be in a relationship together ( Long distanced) and that we'd do everything we could to make it work. This was my first relationship period.

 

 

This relationship lasted, pretty much 3 years. He'd take a bus and come and see me for 2 weeks at a time or longer, or I'd go there when I could. About 2 1/2 years in it got hard, I had some trust issues, just because.. you know, being far away and all that, I think the distance and indecision of where a future together was going, was very stressful, and well one day he called and said... he would not infact be coming when he was supposed to, he broke things off... I don't really remember much about it, but I know.. we'd keep in touch here and there, and then we started talking again on the phone every few days, I was graduating, and I was going to where he lived ( He had moved) 5 hours away... and we got back together again. Which brings us to 2012.

 

 

 

This lasted about 4 more months, the same issues occurred.. and this time.. we didn't talk for a good 6-7 months, and when he decided he wanted to try and talk and be friends, we tried.. and things became intimate, online, and this lead to a lot of confusion on my end.. and we fought, he didn't want more.. and the fact I was fighting with him, made him not want to talk to me, or whatever again. This was also pretty long ago too, so I don't remember much details. 2013.

2014, We were talking again, He had a few relationship interests here and there, and I was dating someone at the time, not too seriously.. I found the person I was dating, I was not compatible with, and found myself, wanting to talk with my ex, wanting to just be around him, and ended things with the guy. I guess you could say, I was more or less waiting.. to see what would happen.

 

 

It had been 5-6 months I think this went on for, my ex and I were basically playing this game of, I'll tell you about who I'm interested now, and what they are like.. like.. we were basically ignoring everything, and acting as if we were purely just friends, making each other jealous. At one point, I even talked to him about the possibility of getting back together, and it was "oh yeah, we'll have to see what happens here" Wait and see thing. I remember I'd ask him to call me on skype.. and around when I was finally giving up because he'd always be on a call with some girl online, I had said oh maybe later tonight, which made him actually decide to ask me 2 hours later if I was up for the call. At this point, I was talking to someone to, I'd met via facebook, I don't know what happened... I got through maybe 20 minutes of the call with my ex, and this new guy seemed so appealing and whatnot, In my head I was just like **** this, and I told my ex I had to go. He was like what? Already? I was like yeah.. I'll talk to you again. I don't know why... dick move on my end maybe.. maybe not but I blocked him on everything. I started seeing and dating that guy.

 

 

 

Fast forward about 7 months later. (2015 - 2016) Me and that guy stopped dating. He turned out to be a real winner ( Ha not...) He was every girls worst nightmare. Acts all nice and sweet at first, then turns out to be a real jerk. Only inviting you over at their convenience, used me for sex. I was stupid, and just numb to it all that I even stuck it out that long. The guy told me he had never even loved me, and didn't know how to love anyone. Well, I started talking to my ex again.

 

 

I found out he was dating someone. I told him all about my nasty break up with that guy ( ex #3) and we continued to talk on and off, 4 months passing by, 3 maybe... just here and there. He decided when to stop messaging. 2016 was a bad year for me.. I was getting tonsillitis so bad I had to get my tonsils removed, it was making me sick for a week at a time with some nice fevers. And then.. I suffered Severe Acute Necrotizing Pancreatitis. My ex had known I hadn't been feeling well, and was trying to find out why. He had all my family members on his facebook, so when I was in the hospital for 3 weeks he found out. My attack was so bad, I nearly died.

 

 

I suffered a pulmonary embolism, pneumonia, and my kidneys were doing bad at one point. It was brought on by high cholesterol and very high triglycerides, hereditary. I had been out drinking with my sisters one night, and went down hill from there. So, because of my attack and that, I cannot drink anymore as well. I didn't drink a lot, just on weekends here and there. That's when he decided to respond to my last messages. He wanted to make sure I was alright, and see how I was doing. He was still dating the same girl. Still is.

 

Fast forward like 5 months. I had been to where my family lives.. and was telling him about my visit, and how I missed him, as I always had.. every time I returned there. I don't know what compelled him, but he decided to start talking to me again, and this time he didn't stop. He would message me every day in fact. This went on from april 2016 up until about.. I'd say a month or two ago, when we started having problems. The same ones that occurred in 2014. Only this time he was dating the girl he's with. We started talking about memories, old times, my family. just everything. We got very close again. And he told me, he still had feelings, that it was all coming back to the surface for him too. Things got intimate again... and he didn't want things to be complicated or to complicate anything, he told me there was definitely still feelings there, and that we have a bond that is unlike anything else. I told him I was afraid of getting my hopes up high, so when we crossed into that intimate line every time.. he'd be like is this a bad idea?

 

 

 

and Idk.. I wasn't thinking, I was just so happy to be talking to him again, and after my near death experience, I just had to know. I had to know if there was something still there, and if it could ever be. I had moved on, but it was never really over for me. Things got serious, and I asked what the deal was... and he said that yes he was seeing someone, and kinda not. They were having problems. That he feels for her, but feels something for me too. So in short, in turned into quite a mess. I kept trying to back off on the contacting, he said he didn't want to be with me, not right yet at least, but didn't want to be without me either. When I tried telling him I needed some space, he was upset, said it wasn't fair, he didn't want to lose the bond. I told him it was hurting me, the uncertainty, the waiting, the wondering.

I guess to him, this was me pushing and pushing more. He wanted to cool things down, he said he had things he needed to take care of in his life, that.. he couldn't think of a relationship with me, and so on.

 

 

He was confused. I told him i needed space again, and yet every time I couldn't stay away, I'd either feel to guilty and then like I didn't want all my emotions would come pouring out. Finally he was like, I thought we weren't going to do this, I told you.. so.. he finally said he needed space. Only.. it had become like 3 weeks, and I was doing my dam-nest trying to give him it, but I was like.. you know, is everything cool.. and he just said he still needed it. We have to focus on the friendship. My feelings were a mess, and they just kept bursting out. I said how it wasn't fair, and I wasn't trying to push everything on to him, that my heart was a mess. He said it probably was a good idea then, if I got space, that maybe it was for the best in the long run. I was like really? If I stop feeling.. I stop caring, I move on, the "friendship" ceases to exist. Because it's all there because of the attachment because of my feelings. He continued to ignore me, and I don't know what happened.

I snapped, and decided to tell his girlfriend about everything.

 

 

Which he probably didn't know I even knew how to contact and find. Not even within 10 minutes he messaged me saying, I knew it was a bad idea, to keep avoiding everything. Which is what he was doing out of confusion or whatever. He said he was glad I did it, that it took pressure off of him, and that me and her both deserved better. That he doesn't expect or deserve any forgiveness or remorse from me, that he has messed with my emotions more than once. That he just left me in limbo. I wanted to continue to talk, but he said in light of recent events it wasn't a good idea, that we both need space. I actually felt bad for him, and said I'd hoped she'd talk to him, forgive him, if that's what he wanted, he just kept saying he was confused. He was like idk if she will or if I even deserve her.

 

 

Well.. yet again after 3-4 weeks I got fed up. He wouldn't answer me, nothing. I hated he came in and got all close to me, and was doing this to me. So not knowing what else to do or how else to contact him, I reached out to his gf again. This time just screen shotting some of my ex and I's conversations together. Like where he said we'd talk again in the future, that it was inevitable. How he had told her about our connection and he came clean to his gf about us, and everything. ( A part of me just wanted to see if he had actually told her anyways). Just to see if he was lying. Well he responded with, did you really have to message her, and stir the pot?

I was like why else? he said idk to get back at me? I was like.. you have no idea the pain I have been going through.

 

 

He basically told me he had made his decision, was over it, wanted to move on, and wanted me to move on. That he wanted to end on good terms, didn't want the same things to keep happening. I told him i hated him and to just leave. That that's all he ever does.. that he lied, left me hanging, and he said if that's how I wanted it, then he wouldn't plan on coming back " not anymore anyways". He kept saying he couldn't leave not until it was finished an on good terms, I told him it wasn't gonna happen. I was like what are you even saying, you did this, you don't want to be there anymore. That he lied about his feelings, and he kept saying that wasn't the case that he Did feel them, just not now. That I was making myself miserable by holding on, and that I need to move forward like he is trying to.

 

 

That he didn't want to keep me hoping, or waiting, or uncertain. He said I kept pushing, that I couldn't handle that he would talk to me again in the future, or jsut the friendship. I had explained to him, 2 days later that I kept saying he felt nothing because that was the easiest thing for me to accept, I couldn't handle being on good terms, or left with just good memories, or saying good bye. That I didn't hate him that I just hated everything that happened. That I really tried, that it was too painful to stay, and too painful to leave... that I realized I could be his friend, but only temporarily, that all those feelings will always come back every time, and that I can never just be a friend, it will always be more, and I will always want more.

 

 

That he just can't exist in my life, without that pain striking me every time, as just a friend. I was so angry, I told him " and if she leaves, and your alone guess who won't be there anymore?" I told him it was easier for him to ignore and move on because he has a distraction. He said If I was right, then he would come back, and that it would be his loss.

So now, I doubt he's ever coming back. i feel ****ty and horrible. I know you guys will say just let it go, I wish it was that easy. I do let go, but it always comes back. I thought I was doing everything right, thought I could bring him back, but he said it wasn't that easy for him, he didn't want the same problems as last time. I said you cant build a relationship with the same bricks, and that it was biased to begin with.

 

 

It was just a mess. I really do care about him, i do.. I told him I hated to ask him, but for my sake to block me, at least for a few months, because that's how long it will take me to feel better. And he did block me, and I also noted that.. he did something he never did. He removed all my family from his fb. I have no idea what could be going through his mind. I know I can't be physically there, and it's terrible and I was willing to do everything to make that work.. but.. I've lost so much again.

So tell me, have any of you ever been through something like this before? What did you do? How did you handle it.. I know theres nothing to do but absolutely nothing now. I am very hurt right now.. and just trying to feel normal again, but its so hard, when you get a long with someone so well.. and they get you so much.. and do it all over again.

Edited October 24, 2017 by C5785

[LoverOfDance]

Hi,

I am very sorry you are going through this. It is a very toxic situation and what you really need to do is let it be. I won't say let go but rather just let things be. I haven't exactly experienced what you are experiencing but I've held on to a guy for longer than I should have. I couldn't move on for 5 years. It didn't make a lot of sense because we were never even together. He was just someone I fell for.

 

What helped me move on was realizing that I didn't deserve to feel that kind of pain. No one deserves to suffer like that. I knew that if I kept going back to him, the pain would never end. The only way out was to LET THINGS BE. I cut off contact and never went back to him again.

 

You have to learn to be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. No one deserves the kind of suffering you are putting yourself through. I know this guy is special to you but you have to realize that your relationship with him is toxic. It will only bring you pain. I say so because so far that's all it has ever brought you. You have to love yourself and do this for you. Cut off contact and leave this toxic relationship in your past. You deserve to be happy. You have to believe that.