Co-parenting after bad break-up, CUSTODY?

[Healingme]

My sons father and I met as teenagers I was 15 he was 17. After 12 years together I decided a year ago to leave him..throughout our relationship he has been physically violent (choking spitting punching) he has Verbally insulted me And has spoken ill and disrespectfully about my family.

 

Unfortunately our son who is now nine has witnessed many of these attacks. I have always had issues communicating with him in regards to our son but now it seems this issue has worsened when asked to bring our son home at a certain hour to make bedtime he responds by telling me not to dictate the time he gets with his son. If I tell he forgets to bring my sons items home with him (jackets, lunch bag, etc) he tells me I'm always complaining and accusing him of being a bad father. I tell him our son does not have access to his phone most of the time (internet safety) and he responds by saying I am purposely trying to ruin their communication.

 

When informed that our son is on punishment because of behavior at school he allows him to watch TV when I said we should agree on a punishment and stick with it he argued with me so I said our son should stay home where I knew his punishment would be consistent. I have asked him to stick to a consistent schedule of pick up and he refuses. he has told his family that I stop him from seeing his son and now he is lying to me about things he claims our son is saying, saying negative things about me while my son is listening calling me and texting me repeatedly to insult me as a parent and tell me how jealous I am of his new life and progress.

 

I feel that he is trying to punish me for leaving him through our son does this seem like valid reasons to file for custody? I don't want my son to not have a relationship with him but I think this is very unhealthy

Edited October 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Healingme]

My nine-year-old son has a cell phone with limited access. His father is well-informed that he is not allowed to have the cell phone often. There have been multiple incidences where he has had his phone with his father and because he was not monitored properly he's come home with Facebook downloaded as well as games not age-appropriate and extremely inappropriate Internet searches. He has even contacted me on his phone past midnight to ask for help downloading a game while his father was asleep. He also lost the last phone that he had while he was with his father.

 

I decided that when he goes for the weekend with his father the phone should stay home being that I pay for it monthly and purchased the phone I thought this was pretty reasonable. I communicated to his father that the phone should stay home and that when our son went home to drop off his book bag after school and pick up his clothes for the weekend dad should call me so I could have my nephew (18 yrs) ensure that the phone stayed home. Father did not call me so I was unable to contact my nephew in time , and father allowed him to take the phone.

 

My son called me from his phone to say " mom, I wasn't supposed to take my phone?" I asked his father over the phone why he let him take the phone and why he did not call me when they got to the house as I had asked and he told me he was driving and couldn't talk and hung up. I called back and told him no problem when I leave work I will come and get the phone because he cannot have it for the entire weekend.

 

His father became extremely upset and told me over and over that I had better not dare show up at his house and that if I did I would be embarrassed, if I showed up I would make a fool of myself if I showed up I would be disrespected if I showed up he would bring a b**** (his words) over to embarrass me. shortly after Telling me these things his mother called me to threaten me and warned me not to show up saying that his child support which is $65 a week pays for the phone every month. she also accused me of telling him that he cannot see his son. My sons father and I were together for 12 years since I was 15 and he was 17 and the relationship was verbally and physically abusive his mother is very aware of his behavior and why I left a year ago.

 

Was I wrong for deciding to go get the phone?

Many reasons like this are causing me to consider filing for custody

Edited October 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[grays]

Im sorry you're having a hard time w your ex. I am, too, with mine right now. And it sucks.

 

I kinda dont think you can set rules for your child that your ex has to follow and police, though. If he agrees to it, fine, but he doesnt have to follow your rules. I think the phone should just stay at your place if you pay for it and don't want your kid to have access to it at his dad's.

 

My kids are 8 and 14 and they each have a phone. For me the whole point of them having a phone is to be able to contact me from their dad's and for me to be able to send them goodnight texts and stuff like that.

 

But seriously, if my ex ever tried to tell me what rules he wanted enforced that would just not fly. I am divorced and single and one of the perks is not being bullied and bossed around by him. You all may have a very different dynamic, but if your divorce doesnt give you freedom from your ex, why bother?

 

ETA: By custody do you mean 100% with you? As bitter as I am about my ex, I would never try to get in the way of his being as much of a dad as he's willing. They need their dad. And I want that to be positive for them. If he's harming them, thats another story.

Edited October 24, 2017 by grays

[PegNosePete]

Is he still violent? If so then stop reading, CALL THE POLICE, GET A LAWYER and file for sole custody.

 

If he's not violent any more but just being annoying then I think many of your issues, you'll just have to live with. It is up to him how he treats your son when he is with him. as long as he's not endangering the kid. He has no obligation to uphold punishments that you set during your time. He can say whatever he wants to his family, you need to stop talking to his family unless it immediately pertains to the child. You need to let it go and stop being bothered by what he says and does. Just stop talking to him about these personal issues. The only things you need to discuss with him are things that immediately pertain to the child.

 

Do you have a formal custody agreement? If so then it should state what time and what method of handover is required. If you don't have one then you should GET ONE ASAP. If he breaks it by being late or awkward then you should keep a diary of this, and take him back to court for modification of the custody agreement or enforcement procedures.

[Robert]

Note from moderation, 2 threads were merged into one and I left the opening post from both as they have different info.

 

Thanks

[knabe]

I think your ex is a big, bullying jerk.

 

Unfortunately, in this situation, the only person you can control is you. It is not realistic for you to expect him to carry out YOUR punishment. He will have his rules, and you will have yours. Safety and health related issues should be agreed to, but you discipline your way, and he will do his. I get exactly why you don't like his way. It stinks. But you really CAN'T dictate what he does on his time.

 

I do have to ask though, do you not have a custody agreement? Because if you do, you certainly CAN dictate when your son is dropped back home, per the agreement. If all of this is just unofficial, then no, you really can't. So I'd get an agreement signed off by a judge.

 

Since he has a history of violence, I'd keep a close eye on your son's state before and after each visit. A man who will beat his wife/SO is fully capable of beating his child, and from the sound of his mom, he probably comes by his bullying honestly.