Difficult living situation.

[Jade32]

Hi. I'm a first time poster to this site and having a really difficult dilemma. I have been with my fiance for almost 2 years. He has a 13 yr old son he gets each weekend. When we met he and I spoke about marriage and our future openly and I was excited to be a future step mom. I began to to work towards a good relationship with his son. He rented us a condo early this year in Feb 2017.However his son refused to move in with us. Before this he and his son were both living at his parents place. So my fiance allowed him to stay living there each weekend as he wanted to be with his grandma. The problem was, starting when we moved my fiance would leave me at our condo to go stay with his son at his parents on the weekend. Leaving me alone and totally shocked bc this had never been discussed. He promised it would only be a few weekends till his son was ready to be at our place. But that never happened and in the summer when his kid came for a month for summer break my fiance left me each night to sleep in his sons room at his parents. The reason I even stuck around was bc I was made to feel I was being selfish as " this was his son's time. " nevermind I was stuck alone at our condo and were engaged . I became depressed with the half commitment and in September I moved out . And my fiance was distraught . He promised me that he was ready to live together full time and promised to see a family therapist with his son.. which he did. However it's been a month and he has decided that while he will be with me full time his son will still stay at his parents as he " can't force his son to be a part of our life if he doesn't want to be." To be clear, i disagree , i feel he should be with us, with his father , at his younge age or he will resent him later on. I get along with his son and care for him deeply but he wants no part of our home life and my fiance thinks this is ok. I know it's not up to me but this does not seem like it's going to work. My fiance tells me he will feel guilty living separate to his son but that he wants to be with me and his son wants to be. This makes me feel like the bad guy , if his son is to be without him at night. And my fear is my fiance will just leave me at nights again to try to appease us both which is not ok.i even said we can call off the engagement and live separate. for now . but he says no he wants to live with me . I don't know what to do.

[CC12]

To be clear, i disagree , i feel he should be with us, with his father , at his younge age or he will resent him later on.

 

His son may regret later on that he didn't choose to live with his father, but if you force him to move in with you, he'll resent the both of you right now.

 

I think you need to let your fiance make his own parenting decisions. I know you'd like to be one, big, happy family, but that's just not how it's working out right now. Your fiance seems like he's doing the best he can - he's working with a therapist and has chosen to spend his nights with you. I'm not sure you can ask for more out of him, to be honest.

 

If you must have a close relationship with your partner's children, then maybe this isn't the relationship for you. Seems like it would be a real shame to break up an engagement because he's not willing to force his son to live with you, though.

[healing light]

Agree with the poster above. You can't force his son to live with him. He's 13--old enough to know where he prefers to be. I think it will be hellish to bring in a teenager who doesn't want to be under the same roof.

 

If I were you, I would feel grateful that your fiance is okay with compromising about the son being at his parent's place and wants to live with you regardless. It would probably make your fiance's life easier if he hadn't moved out, but he sees a real future with you and wants the two of you to be under the same roof.

 

As long as he's a steady force in his son's life, he is still capable of being a good father and of raising a well-adjusted son. It's not like he's abandoning his son or anything like that.

 

In terms of him leaving you at night, you will have to communicate your needs and make sure you two come to an agreement about what living together looks like to you. Make sure he has some consistent time with his son--whether that's during some days of the week/month or a regular night, etc.--or he may resent you. Whatever is acceptable to you both so that you don't feel like you have a half-partner. Don't just sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop, talk to him and come to an understanding about what the two of you want and what you envision will work.

[anika99]

I lived with my grandma for several years and her youngest son (my uncle) was only a couple of years older than me and so he was like my brother. When I was 10 my mom, who didn't live with us and who I only saw on the weekends, got married and then took me to live with her and her husband. I was not given a say in the matter.

 

I've always quite resented my mother for taking me away from the people and the home I knew and loved. I always wished she had just left me with my grandma and as a kid I acted up quite a bit as I was hurt and lost having been taken away from the people I wanted to be with.

 

I agree with the others that this boy should not be forced to leave his grandma's house and live with you. On the other hand he's old enough to understand that decisions have both good and bad consequences and that everybody's life doesn't revolve around him. It's perfectly reasonable for him to visit on the weekends and spend the night at your house. If he's not willing to give even that much then he needs to understand that he will not see his father overnights. That is not a punishment it's just the natural outcome of his choice to stay with his grandparent and his unwillingness to compromise.

 

Your fiancé also needs to make some decisions and accept the consequences of his decisions. If he wants to marry and build a life with you then he does not get to abandon you to go spend every weekend living at his mother's house. He doesn't get to leave your bed every night so he can sleep with his son. That's just over the top ridiculous. It sounds like your fiancé wants you but at the same time he doesn't want anything to change. I bet he would be thrilled if he could just move back in with his son and his mother with you in tow but that's not going to happen and he needs to accept that moving out and getting married means his life is going to change.

 

So to recap, do not force the son to move in with you. Give your fiancé the freedom to spend time with his kid but draw the line at the abandoning you all weekend every weekend. If he and his son want to be together on the weekends and holidays then that needs to happen at your house for the most part. Your fiancé needs to put his foot down with his son regarding this and if he doesn't then perhaps you need to reconsider your relationship with him. I mean it's awesome that he loves his son and that he has shown consideration for his feelings but his son has had two years to adjust to the change. Except he hasn't really had to adjust because your fiancé hasn't taken the lead and helped his son with the transition.

[jnel921]

Why don't you go to his parents to establish a relationship with his son? Is you relationship with his family estranged as well?

 

I am not sure why a 13 year old can dictate his own father's relationship. When I met my stepdaughter she was 14. She had an attitude at first about me and felt some kind of way about my relationship with her dad.

 

But when we incorporated her into our lives and plans and go to know me she started to genuinely like me and then eventually love. My H felt it was important for all of us to be together to know each other well.

 

Speak to your Fiancé. This will only get worse if his son continues to put a wedge between you.