NO remorse for [wife's past] cheating

[rog]

I need to vent and express my anger and frustration. I'm a 72 year old male; maybe to old or to late to be posting my feelings here or any where. I have been married to the same women since 1970; a long time. I have loved and hated her all at the same time. Since the wedding we have only been with each other sexually and no one else for the last 46 years.

 

Before we met my wife had slept with many guys; one night stands, multiple partners at one time, and some long term relationships starting from high school to the time we met which was in our early twenties. After we hooked up we had that talk about past lovers. She said she couldn't give me a number, there were just too many. I on the other hand only had 4 long term relationships.

 

While we were dating I believed her past wouldn't matter to me; but it did. At times my jalousie would create arguments and a couple of times we almost broke up. The first date I had with her we slept together and I knew she had slept with many others on the first date as well. She had told me not to bother with condoms, she preferred sex without them; said she was on the pill. We dated for almost 2 years and as I grew to love her, her sexual past wasn't important to me any longer.

 

However tensions were building because she kept bringing up marriage and I kept avoiding the conversations as much as possible.

In February of 1970 I had to go to another city for business and she told me that when I got back we needed to talk about breaking up. I was devastated; I loved her and didn't want to loose her. I believed she was pushing me into a decision I had to make. I decided that when I got back I would propose to her on Valentines Day.

 

While out of town I would call her almost daily. The call I made to her on Thursday was emotionally devastating. She told me some guy she just met at the gas station asked her out for Friday night, the next day and she said yes. This was 2 days before Valentines Day. I told her I didn't want her seeing any one else, we argued, she said she was and she hung up. I wanted to rush back to her but I couldn't leave for 2 more days. That Sunday Valentines day I called her and told her I wanted to ask her something important. She said we'd talk when I got back. I got back to her around 4:30 Sunday. I proposed, and she said yes. We were married a few months later and we had our first child 9 months later.

 

It was a short time after our son's birth that my world disintegrated. For what ever reason my wife said she needed to tell me something; it might have been post partum depression, I don't know.

 

She told me that she had the date with the guy from the gas station and had sex with him that night. They spent the week end together and had sex the entire weekend. That Valentines Sunday I called her she was in bed with that guy.

I don’t know what to do, she said she loved me. I didn't want to leave, I just had a child.

 

I stayed and have resented her for what she did that Valentines Sunday. February’s have been very difficult for me; it is a constant reminder of her sexual weekend. I constantly replay the mental pictures of her and him doing sexual activities she told me they did together; a couple of things we have never done. When my wife told me about that weekend she was quite graphic. I wish she had just kept it to herself. To make things worse, they had had sex about 2 hours before I asked her to marry me. And we were intimate to celebrate our engagement.

 

After all these years my anger has remained constant. I have been to counseling; the graphic pictures are always there. When my wife and I have sex I'm extremely aggressive and rough with her. It has been this way for years. May anger and agonies will only stop when I'm dead.

 

My wife has never apologized or said I'm sorry. She believes she did nothing wrong, that she was gong to end our relationship when I got back.

 

She has told me over the years that she always loved the feel of a man's body pressing against hers. That sex with a stranger was nothing more or less than a personal handshake. That she loves me and that's all that matters.

I believe her, but as I've said those mental movies are there 24/7 and as the years have past the pictures have gotten extremely graphic. To end, PLEASE KEEP YOUR SECRETS, they only hurt the one you think love.

Edited October 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to MLP

[Woon]

I am so incredibly sorry. Reading all that really broke my heart.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This is a very sad story . I think some of your anger is misdirected, though. I think you're also mad at yourself for your proposal that was made somewhat out of desperation. And perhaps your inability to leave her once you found out about her sleeping with the stranger. You were so young then, with your whole life ahead of you. Maybe if you'd left you'd have found happiness and wouldn't have lived your life with such anger and resentment.

 

How did your kids turn out being raised in such angst?

[road]

The way you wrote your post make me think that her

valentines day fling could be the bio dad to your child.

 

She cheated on you. She banged this OM before she

had the break up talk with you.

 

So I can see where your anger is coming from. Though

she did you dirty when dating her yet you still married her

when you should of not married her.

 

Has she been faithful all of the time since then?

[BaileyB]

Your story made me very sad. That is a long time to hold such resentment.

[knabe]

She mistreated you, she betrayed you, and the fact that she felt no remorse says a lot about HER.

 

However, you not only chose to marry her, you chose to STAY in resentment for 40-plus years. That also says something about you.

 

So what do you want? Did you feel you had some sort of "upper hand" morally all these years? That is usually why men stay even though they basically hate their wives.

[Cobra_X]

I believe her, but as I've said those mental movies are there 24/7 and as the years have past the pictures have gotten extremely graphic. To end, PLEASE KEEP YOUR SECRETS, they only hurt the one you think love.

 

Rog... I would have divorced her so fast. That child probably wasn't even yours.

 

You are 72. Even now it's not too late. I would take every penny, sell all my assets, and move overseas. I would just ditch her. At 72 I could still find a nice lady to spend my final years with. One that didn't treat me like garbage. I have a friend age 62 that just did that. He married a 38 year old woman and they have a child coming together. I think you could maybe get a 50 or 60 year old GF and really enjoy your golden years.

[knabe]

Rog... I would have divorced her so fast. That child probably wasn't even yours.

 

You are 72. Even now it's not too late. I would take every penny, sell all my assets, and move overseas. I would just ditch her. At 72 I could still find a nice lady to spend my final years with. One that didn't treat me like garbage. I have a friend age 62 that just did that. He married a 38 year old woman and they have a child coming together. I think you could maybe get a 50 or 60 year old GF and really enjoy your golden years.

 

And be sure to publicly disown the child you raised as your own all these years. I mean, fair is fair, and that kid is just collateral damage, along with any fake grandchildren you may have. Go nuclear baby.

[DKT3]

I'm sure I've read this story somewhere else

[GoldenR]

Who was she living with when you guys were dating/engaged?

[somanymistakes]

I'm sure I've read this story somewhere else

 

I really am getting suspicious of new posters these days, maybe I'm getting too cynical in my old age!

[Space Ritual]

I really am getting suspicious of new posters these days, maybe I'm getting too cynical in my old age!

 

This tends to happen. You can find Pain Shopping threads that are word for word either here, or on S.I. or T.A.M. Incidentally I am not a member of Either of the other 2 but I have lurked on S.I. for the better part of a decade and similar stories to this have been popping up all over that site this fall. And it usually takes about 3 pages of replies before somebody puts 2 and 2 together.

 

And I have noticed that in literally all the cases, that the Poster is starting the thread form the perspective of a male, and none of these "Dormant Exposure" threads seem to started by a female.

[usa1ah]

I need to vent and express my anger and frustration. I'm a 72 year old male; maybe to old or to late to be posting my feelings here or any where. I have been married to the same women since 1970; a long time. I have loved and hated her all at the same time. Since the wedding we have only been with each other sexually and no one else for the last 46 years.

 

Before we met my wife had slept with many guys; one night stands, multiple partners at one time, and some long term relationships starting from high school to the time we met which was in our early twenties. After we hooked up we had that talk about past lovers. She said she couldn't give me a number, there were just too many. I on the other hand only had 4 long term relationships.

 

While we were dating I believed her past wouldn't matter to me; but it did. At times my jalousie would create arguments and a couple of times we almost broke up. The first date I had with her we slept together and I knew she had slept with many others on the first date as well. She had told me not to bother with condoms, she preferred sex without them; said she was on the pill. We dated for almost 2 years and as I grew to love her, her sexual past wasn't important to me any longer.

 

However tensions were building because she kept bringing up marriage and I kept avoiding the conversations as much as possible.

In February of 1970 I had to go to another city for business and she told me that when I got back we needed to talk about breaking up. I was devastated; I loved her and didn't want to loose her. I believed she was pushing me into a decision I had to make. I decided that when I got back I would propose to her on Valentines Day.

 

While out of town I would call her almost daily. The call I made to her on Thursday was emotionally devastating. She told me some guy she just met at the gas station asked her out for Friday night, the next day and she said yes. This was 2 days before Valentines Day. I told her I didn't want her seeing any one else, we argued, she said she was and she hung up. I wanted to rush back to her but I couldn't leave for 2 more days. That Sunday Valentines day I called her and told her I wanted to ask her something important. She said we'd talk when I got back. I got back to her around 4:30 Sunday. I proposed, and she said yes. We were married a few months later and we had our first child 9 months later.

 

It was a short time after our son's birth that my world disintegrated. For what ever reason my wife said she needed to tell me something; it might have been post partum depression, I don't know.

 

She told me that she had the date with the guy from the gas station and had sex with him that night. They spent the week end together and had sex the entire weekend. That Valentines Sunday I called her she was in bed with that guy.

I don’t know what to do, she said she loved me. I didn't want to leave, I just had a child.

 

I stayed and have resented her for what she did that Valentines Sunday. February’s have been very difficult for me; it is a constant reminder of her sexual weekend. I constantly replay the mental pictures of her and him doing sexual activities she told me they did together; a couple of things we have never done. When my wife told me about that weekend she was quite graphic. I wish she had just kept it to herself. To make things worse, they had had sex about 2 hours before I asked her to marry me. And we were intimate to celebrate our engagement.

 

After all these years my anger has remained constant. I have been to counseling; the graphic pictures are always there. When my wife and I have sex I'm extremely aggressive and rough with her. It has been this way for years. May anger and agonies will only stop when I'm dead.

 

My wife has never apologized or said I'm sorry. She believes she did nothing wrong, that she was gong to end our relationship when I got back.

 

She has told me over the years that she always loved the feel of a man's body pressing against hers. That sex with a stranger was nothing more or less than a personal handshake. That she loves me and that's all that matters.

I believe her, but as I've said those mental movies are there 24/7 and as the years have past the pictures have gotten extremely graphic. To end, PLEASE KEEP YOUR SECRETS, they only hurt the one you think love.

 

What the heck. This has to be um.........

 

Yes to little to late. You did this to yourself. You wife was open about her past and who she was. She told you she was going out with the guy from the gas station and you still asked her to marry you. The first thing to have asked was did you **** that guy from the gas station.

 

This is all on you. Best of luck.

[rog]

I have no delusions about myself. After years of counseling with psychologists and a short time with a psychiatrist who also prescribed medication, we all got to know what makes me who I am today. It was my current psychologist who suggested I find a site like this to vent. It was suggested that reading about others and how they positively or negatively handled their issues might help me also. We are all here because of one reason or another. I was fortunate to have a job with excellent medical coverage that enabled me to be able to afford to see these professionals.

Some of the postings I have read seem to have happy endings. Couples are able to deal with the problems they were facing while others just seem to be floundering our wallowing in misery and self pity like I am. As some have suggested, I brought this on myself and they are right. I new my girlfriend had no problem performing sex acts with strangers on the first date; I should have asked. But I really already new the answer. I loved her and was scared to ask! I also new she would do things sexually with strangers she wouldn't do with me. Hind sight does give one a great perspective on life’s passing events.

My wife and I did have children and were some what successful in insulating them to a degree from our marital strife. They are married with their own children and are successful and content with their lives.

I will admit that for years I believed that my son might not be biologically my child. I was at his birth and I was his father. If he weren’t mine that was between my wife and me; he was not going to be a victim of a mother’s indiscretion. My wife has insisted that my son is my child and no matter what, he is!

My wife and I went to the same high school but knew each other casually. We would occasionally wind up at the same party or school event but that was the extent to which I knew her. There was something about her that attracted me to her then, but I never acted on those feelings. I often dreamed of dating her but never did. We graduated and went our separate ways; it would be years later that we would meet again.

It was about 5 years later more or less that I ran into her and this time I asked her out. As I posted earlier we went out and slept together that night. There was this magnetic attraction I had for her. I was comfortable with her and she just seemed to cast a spell which I couldn’t resist. As I said earlier I knew about her sexual past. She was upfront with me, she said, incase we might met any of her ex.’s. I didn’t care; I needed and wanted to be with her 24/7, I was in love. She had graduated college with awards and had won a couple of beauty contests. I felt extremely lucky to have this beautiful woman as my girlfriend and couldn’t believe she actually wanted to be with me.

As it turned out she wanted to be with me as well as others. She had told me that her first sexual experience wasn’t pleasant. At 17 she had been dating this guy for a couple of months who she said she loved. That when ever they were together there was a lot of heavy groping with cloths on as well as off. In there 4th month of dating they were going at it when he started to penetrate her and she told him to stop, he didn’t; she was no longer a virgin. After that he stopped seeing her. A month later a friend of his called and asked her out. She asked him why her previous boyfriend stopped seeing her. He told her that his friend had told him that she was an easy lay. She told me that after that she decided if she were gong to have sex; it would be on her terms.

All this past history of hers is just that, hers. It has nothing to do with me. The problem for me is the guy she slept with the weekend I proposed to her.

After she said yes to me; what did she do? She called this guy to tell him she was engaged. She said she was concerned about his feelings.

Where was her concern about mine? I was her boyfriend, she could have at least broken up with me first before having sex with this stranger. Also I found out much later after we were married that while we were engaged she would occasionally meet him at his apartment. She told me that there was something about him she couldn’t resist; that he was the most fantastic lover who had ever made love too her. It all ended when he was deployed over seas. All of this made me feel like crap and so why did she marry me? We now had two children when I found all this out and I still loved her (WHY). She has told me that after we were married I was the only man in her life and bed. Those images though, of her and her lover, naked together having sex in our bed play in my head all the time. It doesn’t help that I accidentally met this man at a company party either.

[Cobra_X]

All of this made me feel like crap and so why did she marry me? We now had two children when I found all this out and I still loved her (WHY). She has told me that after we were married I was the only man in her life and bed. Those images though, of her and her lover, naked together having sex in our bed play in my head all the time. It doesn’t help that I accidentally met this man at a company party either.

 

Because you were safe. You were easy. You were willing to give her money. Could be any number of reasons like that. Most women want two men... a strong male lover, and a cuckold husband to pay her bills. That's life.

 

I would DNA test the kids now that the technology is cheap and easy... or maybe that's something you don't want to know.

 

Anyway... If I have learned one thing about women... and this applies to people in general... They will treat you as bad as you let them. If she doesn't feel remorse, then it's because you never enforced consequences. I mean... do you want her to pity you?

[anika99]

You need to give credit where credit is due. Your wife was very open about who she was when you started dating her. Many young women would have found that very difficult, especially back then. Many young women pretend to be something they are not in order to attract and keep a man, so kudos to your wife for being authentic and honest about her sexuality at such a young age.

 

Now she has been faithful for 46 yrs. Given her past and her apparent love of sex and variety her faithfulness proves that she did take her marital vows seriously and that she has morals and integrity. She should have told you about the guy she slept with right away, no doubt about it, but she did tell you about very early into the marriage. That doesn't excuse what she did and doesn't take away the hurt she caused you, but it does show a desire for honesty on her part. And she has been loyal since she took her vows 46yrs ago....that's worth something isn't it? You both deserve credit for being loyal to your marriage all these years.

 

Have you ever spoken to your wife about this in marital counselling? Perhaps your inability to let this resentment go is partially due to your wife never truly apologizing to you. Sounds like she just gets defensive and dismisses your feelings. She needs to understand how much she hurt you, really empathize with your pain, accept responsibility and show true remorse. But I have a feeling that she is unable to do this because you have spent years beating her down and punishing her so now she is probably just hyper defensive whenever there is even a hint that you are going to bring it up. If you want empathy and remorse than you and your wife are going to have to see a really good marital counsellor. One who will assist you in expressing yourself and assist your wife in really hearing you.

[dichotomy]

Dont know if this story is real...but I will say the statement below is always the kick to the balls any guy who's gal cheats... or discusses her past sex life.

 

"she told me they did together; a couple of things we have never done"

 

My personal advise (and its just mine) to the gals is if you got a special guy who loves and commits to you, make sure he gets (at least once) everything you ever gave the other guys, and maybe a little more.Its just the way some guys guys are wired... special acts = means you care/love/admire/attracted to that guy more.

Edited October 31, 2017 by dichotomy

[BettyDraper]

Because you were safe. You were easy. You were willing to give her money. Could be any number of reasons like that. Most women want two men... a strong male lover, and a cuckold husband to pay her bills. That's life.

 

I would DNA test the kids now that the technology is cheap and easy... or maybe that's something you don't want to know.

 

Anyway... If I have learned one thing about women... and this applies to people in general... They will treat you as bad as you let them. If she doesn't feel remorse, then it's because you never enforced consequences. I mean... do you want her to pity you?

 

I don't think it's fair to say that most women want two men.

I believe that women who are monogamous want a strong male lover who is also a provider. A man can be both.

I concur that people will treat others as they are allowed to.

[BettyDraper]

Dont know if this story is real...but I will say the statement below is always the kick to the balls any guy who's gal cheats... or discusses her past sex life.

 

"she told me they did together; a couple of things we have never done"

 

My personal advise (and its just mine) to the gals is if you got a special guy who loves and commits to you, make sure he gets (at least once) everything you ever gave the other guys, and maybe a little more.Its just the way some guys guys are wired... special acts = means you care/love/admire/attracted to that guy more.

 

My husband is wired that way.

He never expected me to be a virgin.

However, he loves the fact that I have only done certain sexual things with him. I think that's more common than we think.

Edited October 31, 2017 by BettyDraper

[usa1ah]

You went into this marriage well aware of ALL of this.

 

Your choice, your bed to sleep in.

 

No way to fix this now. It’s like a druggy that finally came clean only to learn he has two weeks to live because of his drug use.

 

You should of had more self respect for yourself be fore you asked.

[standtall]

I agree..if revealing a secret such as this serves no purpose, do not reveal it.

[elaine567]

My personal advise (and its just mine) to the gals is if you got a special guy who loves and commits to you, make sure he gets (at least once) everything you ever gave the other guys, and maybe a little more.Its just the way some guys guys are wired... special acts = means you care/love/admire/attracted to that guy more.

 

Most people come with a sexual repertoire, things they like, things they don't really like but will do sometimes, and things they will never be doing again.

With experience they add things they enjoy and take out stuff they do not enjoy.

So suggesting a woman offer to do things she hates, as she did it once with some guy years ago, is not really going to foster good relations is it? He may love it and pester her again and again over something she never ever wanted to do again.

 

Best not to pander to the guys whose retroactive jealousy fuels their sexual drive and who use it to blackmail women into doing stuff they don't want to do. "You did it for him, why don't you do it for me... wah wah wah"

Best if women just keep schtum really, nothing usually good comes of discussing past sexual exploits.

Live in the day... do whatever makes you happiest at the time.

 

People need to do the stuff they are happy doing, with people who are happy doing it too.

If it is not in your partner's repertoire and you cannot live without it then move on, there is no need to hold the "You did it with him..." over anyone's head...

[viatori patuit]

Most people come with a sexual repertoire, things they like, things they don't really like but will do sometimes, and things they will never be doing again.

With experience they add things they enjoy and take out stuff they do not enjoy.

So suggesting a woman offer to do things she hates, as she did it once with some guy years ago, is not really going to foster good relations is it? He may love it and pester her again and again over something she never ever wanted to do again.

 

Best not to pander to the guys whose retroactive jealousy fuels their sexual drive and who use it to blackmail women into doing stuff they don't want to do. "You did it for him, why don't you do it for me... wah wah wah"

Best if women just keep schtum really, nothing usually good comes of discussing past sexual exploits.

Live in the day... do whatever makes you happiest at the time.

 

People need to do the stuff they are happy doing, with people who are happy doing it too.

If it is not in your partner's repertoire and you cannot live without it then move on, there is no need to hold the "You did it with him..." over anyone's head...

 

As a guy I literally hate housework. Can’t stand it. Every time I was single I had a housekeeper.

 

Following your logic I should just ignore it. Same goes for dealing with her family. I generally find inlaws to be taxing (but not always). Hate dealing with her mom? According to this logic I don’t have too.

 

If it’s important to my so I should pay attention to it. Just like I expect he to take issues important to me seriously. My needs and wants are no more or less important than hers.

[road]

Most people come with a sexual repertoire, things they like, things they don't really like but will do sometimes, and things they will never be doing again.

With experience they add things they enjoy and take out stuff they do not enjoy.

So suggesting a woman offer to do things she hates, as she did it once with some guy years ago, is not really going to foster good relations is it? He may love it and pester her again and again over something she never ever wanted to do again.

 

Best not to pander to the guys whose retroactive jealousy fuels their sexual drive and who use it to blackmail women into doing stuff they don't want to do. "You did it for him, why don't you do it for me... wah wah wah"

Best if women just keep schtum really, nothing usually good comes of discussing past sexual exploits.

Live in the day... do whatever makes you happiest at the time.

 

People need to do the stuff they are happy doing, with people who are happy doing it too.

If it is not in your partner's repertoire and you cannot live without it then move on, there is no need to hold the "You did it with him..." over anyone's head...

 

When a woman did things with other men before see dated and

then married her husband is one thing. And there is no reason to

tell her husband Yes I did this and that. When she tells her husband

she will not do this and that.

 

However when a woman has become a WW and she has denied

her BH certain things in the past it is wrong for her to deny these

things that she freely gave to her OM.

 

This action is the WW telling her BH yes I will recover the

marriage with you though you better not expect to get what I freely

gave to the OM because you are never going to get it.

 

This sends the message loud and clear to her BH that her

BH will always come in 2nd to her OM.

 

This WW sends the message that I did these things to keep

the affair with the OM going, but I refuse to do these things with

my BH to keep the marriage going.

[dichotomy]

Most people come with a sexual repertoire, things they like, things they don't really like but will do sometimes, and things they will never be doing again.

With experience they add things they enjoy and take out stuff they do not enjoy.

So suggesting a woman offer to do things she hates, as she did it once with some guy years ago, is not really going to foster good relations is it? He may love it and pester her again and again over something she never ever wanted to do again.

 

Best not to pander to the guys whose retroactive jealousy fuels their sexual drive and who use it to blackmail women into doing stuff they don't want to do. "You did it for him, why don't you do it for me... wah wah wah"

Best if women just keep schtum really, nothing usually good comes of discussing past sexual exploits.

Live in the day... do whatever makes you happiest at the time.

 

People need to do the stuff they are happy doing, with people who are happy doing it too.

If it is not in your partner's repertoire and you cannot live without it then move on, there is no need to hold the "You did it with him..." over anyone's head...

 

We can both agree not to bring it up = but unfortunately sometimes it comes up.

 

If a good guy loves and commits, he wants to feel he is getting the best of what you have to offer him in return. Why get married if what your offering him is less than you gave others?

 

Isn't a marriage supposed to be "more", special, rare, giving, sacrifice than just some random partner you hooked up with?

 

This is x10 when a gal cheats.

 

Just explaining how some guys are wired. Sex is a major measuring stick for guys in committed relationships of "more/special" = love.

 

I completely understand if some gal tried something once with another guy ...and hated it, or found it painful/degrading, unhealthy, or what ever. Then again there is always something "new" or creative to try as well with someone who loves you. In other words I wont every do X again - but I only did Y with you.

Edited November 4, 2017 by dichotomy