Wife has said she's gone NC with OW, but says it's difficult to do due to OW's job

October 24, 2017

I'm 35 and my wife is 29 and we've been together since 2008, but only married since December 2013. We live near Los Angeles, but politically we're not in Los Angeles County (this will be important later). My wife's a originally from Parkersburg, WV and is probably what some people may call a transplant, her Southern drawl gets attention from some people.

Anyway, on Monday she had told me how she'd had an affair with this OW, who was a cop that pulled her over on suspicion of driving an unroadworthy automobile (we have 2 cars, at the time my wife was driving our old 2008 Chrysler minivan).

The OW is a cop, and my wife told me in full detail how she'd been dating this OW since March 5th when she got pulled over in the daytime, and told me a full timeline of the events, she was crying when she did this, said that she's never normally into women, she just found this cop hot because she looked like Khloe Kardashian (yes, really) and that they'd met up for dates and sex sessions in public hotels in our area and sometimes in LA.

The LAPD don't cover our bit, AFAIK, it's another police force.

She told me how the cop was 28, divorced, due to her husband leaving her for a 17-year-old and the cop flirted with her, and she felt too attracted to her and it just went from there.

Then she told me how she'd got so into the passion of it all and then began thinking about what the reality would be like with this OW who's a cop over me and didn't know what she wanted.

She was very remorseful, kept apologizing, kept saying she'd do anything to make it up to me and told me that three weeks ago, she'd gone NC with the OW, but the OW kept contacting her.

My wife has told me she wants to go to NC with the OW, but said "That's easier said than done, she's a cop, in reality we'll see her in the neighborhood every day".

She has told me she actually really regrets this and confessed because she felt she'd never done anything like this before to me.

Before this incident, she'd had no history of affairs or APs, and was very insistent about us being a faithful couple.

I really had no idea of such an affair, to be honest.

When I said we need to go to a relationship counselor, she agreed, and said "I screwed up, big time, no really, this woman was just an outlet from work stresses and not getting to see you as much due to travel for work."

I really do love my wife and I've no reason not to believe what she says. I don't want to seem blindsided either. Is it unusual for her?

I could divorce her, but she's now starting to try and do research on relationship counselors and how to get over an affair.

She's also told me explicitly "Consider this my experimented in college phase done, i ****ed up badly."

Is it going to be really difficult for her to go NC with OW due to OW's job as a cop, and could OW be prosecuted for "misconduct in office" (if my Wikipedia understanding of the term is right).

I love my wife and just want the best and don't know what the hell to do.

Please help.

October 24, 2017

This seems highly unethical, but what do I know? I have a friend who married the cop who responded to her 911 call!

October 24, 2017

You can stay with her if you want. I really don't see this as she is remorseful. She sounds like she is feeling guilty but not remorse.

This speaks loudly to who your wife is and what you mean to her.

She's also told me explicitly "Consider this my experimented in college phase done, i ****ed up badly."

This is like a oops I spilt the milk statement. Its really not that big of a deal on how she puts this. Probably in her mind since it was with a woman its not as bad as if it would be with a man.

To me she cheated repeatedly she hid the truth from you and potentially exposed you to disease and danger. Imagine if this cop knew you were going to expose her to her boss how she might act towards you.

Your in shock now and your heart is really hurting. Its understandable you love your wife. Give yourself some time. Don't commit to anything with her. Find a lawyer and learn your rights.

October 24, 2017

Do you guys live in Mayberry? I live in a town of 69000, and I've never seen face to face the same cop twice.

October 24, 2017

will she expose the OW to her family and to yours?

exposure helps to shine the light on affairs.

Has your wife been tested for stds?

she has to stop all contact or she is still in the affair.

If she will not protect your marriage and you and continues to not expose the OW, then you do not have a chance.

will she take a polly after she writes a detailed timeline of the A?

Does she love the OW?

how would she feel if you have an A?

would she call the police to inform them of the A?

maybe you move, but if she will not stop, your only option is a D.

Unless she wants to have a threesome with you. But she has feelings for her lover. best to stay NC.

October 24, 2017

I'm 35 and my wife is 29 and we've been together since 2008, but only married since December 2013. We live near Los Angeles, but politically we're not in Los Angeles County (this will be important later). My wife's a originally from Parkersburg, WV and is probably what some people may call a transplant, her Southern drawl gets attention from some people.

Anyway, on Monday she had told me how she'd had an affair with this OW, who was a cop that pulled her over on suspicion of driving an unroadworthy automobile (we have 2 cars, at the time my wife was driving our old 2008 Chrysler minivan).

The OW is a cop, and my wife told me in full detail how she'd been dating this OW since March 5th when she got pulled over in the daytime, and told me a full timeline of the events, she was crying when she did this, said that she's never normally into women, she just found this cop hot because she looked like Khloe Kardashian (yes, really) and that they'd met up for dates and sex sessions in public hotels in our area and sometimes in LA.

The LAPD don't cover our bit, AFAIK, it's another police force.

She told me how the cop was 28, divorced, due to her husband leaving her for a 17-year-old and the cop flirted with her, and she felt too attracted to her and it just went from there.

Then she told me how she'd got so into the passion of it all and then began thinking about what the reality would be like with this OW who's a cop over me and didn't know what she wanted.

She was very remorseful, kept apologizing, kept saying she'd do anything to make it up to me and told me that three weeks ago, she'd gone NC with the OW, but the OW kept contacting her.

My wife has told me she wants to go to NC with the OW, but said "That's easier said than done, she's a cop, in reality we'll see her in the neighborhood every day".

She has told me she actually really regrets this and confessed because she felt she'd never done anything like this before to me.

Before this incident, she'd had no history of affairs or APs, and was very insistent about us being a faithful couple.

I really had no idea of such an affair, to be honest.

When I said we need to go to a relationship counselor, she agreed, and said "I screwed up, big time, no really, this woman was just an outlet from work stresses and not getting to see you as much due to travel for work."

I really do love my wife and I've no reason not to believe what she says. I don't want to seem blindsided either. Is it unusual for her?

I could divorce her, but she's now starting to try and do research on relationship counselors and how to get over an affair.

She's also told me explicitly "Consider this my experimented in college phase done, i ****ed up badly."

Is it going to be really difficult for her to go NC with OW due to OW's job as a cop, and could OW be prosecuted for "misconduct in office" (if my Wikipedia understanding of the term is right).

I love my wife and just want the best and don't know what the hell to do.

Please help.

So,

if your wife is so remorseful then she would be more than happy to go with you to the police station and seek redress for such misconduct. That would be the very least she could do to attempt to put YOU and your marriage ahead of her own desires.

I mean after all, she said she would be willing to do ANYTHING.

Marriage counselors are a dime a dozen. And they are a WASTE of time unless the affair is over. Only intense Individual counseling before any marriage counseling will be effective. Your wife needs to prove to you Through ACTION and not words that she is all in.

If what you say is true, then all you have is her word....and that does not mean much. Sounds to me like the reason she spilled the beans was that somebody (most likely the Cop's husband) caught wind of it and she was compelled to tell you before somebody else did.

One thing cheaters all have in common is that they are LIARS.

She is not remorseful. If she was, she would have been blubbering, mascara running, rolling around on the floor crying hysterically , telling you the NAME of he other woman and being totally transparent. especially since she was the one to spill the beans.

Cheaters usually minimize out of the gate as they are doing damage control.

It is called "Trickle Truth". It is a time honored tradition in order to be able to feed the betrayed just enough to where they can attempt to control the narrative and not get kicked out of their house that very day. Rarely, if ever do you get the entire story the first time around. Usually it's much worse. As in sharing relationship stories about you t the Affair Partner, usually culminating in laughing about what a doofus you are behind your back while.

Kind of like Football, Affair exposure dynamics happen pretty much the same way every Autumn...

They are scared either the duration of the affair, what they discussed behind your back or the sexual acts undertook will be a deal breaker and they can't have that.

I submit to you you don't have jack squat to work with here. In yry shoes I'd schedule a Polygraph to find out how much she has really told you.

I don;t say that because I think they are effective. As a matter of fact in my past I was involved in a couple of criminal cases where I was subjected to polygraphs and passed with flying colors when both times I was guilty as hell.

All you have to do is to tell her you scheduled one, print out some papers looking like you did. Show em to her, and then tell her "If there is anything else you need to tell me, do it now."

That in many instances initiates a "parking lot confession" whereby you discover all sorts of nefarious acts admitted to when painted into corner.

So unless you want to play Prison Warden for the next 3 to five years, in your shoes, I'd say your best course of action is to force her hand.

For all you know, she may have TOLD you she was messing about with a woman to cover up her messing around with a male police officer. Sometimes women operate under the assumption that if they tell their husbands they cheated with a woman, they husband may be more likely to forgive on the spot. Maybe thinking playing Pocket Pool with a female AP will be looked on as less threatening, or even making the husband think that is hot and in hopes of getting a threeway out of it.

So dont get your hopes up that what she has said to you about any f thsi has much truth to it.

See a Lawyer, know your rights.

The only way a marriage can truly be saved is if one is prepared to lose it.

This all seems a little too polished and tidied up on your wife's part. She already is telling you that there is no possible way she can avoid contact. Well there is....if she goes with you to the Police Station and lodges a formal complaint.

If she was "all in", she would jump at the chance to go with you to the cops in an overt action of solidarity.

My guess is she will flip her wig if you suggest it. Thus you will know where you stand. And that is alone.

Please act now so you don't return in 6 months bemoaning the fact that she lied to you all this time and the affair never stopped.

Because it hasn't

Edited October 24, 2017 by Space Ritual

October 24, 2017

will she expose the OW to her family and to yours?

exposure helps to shine the light on affairs.

Has your wife been tested for stds?

she has to stop all contact or she is still in the affair.

If she will not protect your marriage and you and continues to not expose the OW, then you do not have a chance.

will she take a polly after she writes a detailed timeline of the A?

Does she love the OW?

how would she feel if you have an A?

would she call the police to inform them of the A?

maybe you move, but if she will not stop, your only option is a D.

Unless she wants to have a threesome with you. But she has feelings for her lover. best to stay NC.

This but with a deadline.

October 24, 2017

Only intense Individual counseling before any marriage counseling will be effective.

This is a true thing. Don't bother with marriage counseling. You'll be frustrated and your suffering, put on the bottom shelf while the therapist tries to get through

October 24, 2017

So,

if your wife is so remorseful then she would be more than happy to go with you to the police station and seek redress for such misconduct. That would be the very least she could do to attempt to put YOU and your marriage ahead of her own desires.

I mean after all, she said she would be willing to do ANYTHING.
Marriage counselors are a dime a dozen. And they are a WASTE of time unless the affair is over. Only intense Individual counseling before any marriage counseling will be effective. Your wife needs to prove to you Through ACTION and not words that she is all in.

If what you say is true, then all you have is her word....and that does not mean much. Sounds to me like the reason she spilled the beans was that somebody (most likely the Cop's husband) caught wind of it and she was compelled to tell you before somebody else did.

One thing cheaters all have in common is that they are LIARS.

She is not remorseful. If she was, she would have been blubbering, mascara running, rolling around on the floor crying hysterically , telling you the NAME of he other woman and being totally transparent. especially since she was the one to spill the beans.

Cheaters usually minimize out of the gate as they are doing damage control.

It is called "Trickle Truth". It is a time honored tradition in order to be able to feed the betrayed just enough to where they can attempt to control the narrative and not get kicked out of their house that very day. Rarely, if ever do you get the entire story the first time around. Usually it's much worse. As in sharing relationship stories about you t the Affair Partner, usually culminating in laughing about what a doofus you are behind your back while.

Kind of like Football, Affair exposure dynamics happen pretty much the same way every Autumn...

They are scared either the duration of the affair, what they discussed behind your back or the sexual acts undertook will be a deal breaker and they can't have that.

I submit to you you don't have jack squat to work with here. In yry shoes I'd schedule a Polygraph to find out how much she has really told you.

I don;t say that because I think they are effective. As a matter of fact in my past I was involved in a couple of criminal cases where I was subjected to polygraphs and passed with flying colors when both times I was guilty as hell.

All you have to do is to tell her you scheduled one, print out some papers looking like you did. Show em to her, and then tell her "If there is anything else you need to tell me, do it now."

That in many instances initiates a "parking lot confession" whereby you discover all sorts of nefarious acts admitted to when painted into corner.

So unless you want to play Prison Warden for the next 3 to five years, in your shoes, I'd say your best course of action is to force her hand.

For all you know, she may have TOLD you she was messing about with a woman to cover up her messing around with a male police officer. Sometimes women operate under the assumption that if they tell their husbands they cheated with a woman, they husband may be more likely to forgive on the spot. Maybe thinking playing Pocket Pool with a female AP will be looked on as less threatening, or even making the husband think that is hot and in hopes of getting a threeway out of it.

So dont get your hopes up that what she has said to you about any f thsi has much truth to it.

See a Lawyer, know your rights.

The only way a marriage can truly be saved is if one is prepared to lose it.

This all seems a little too polished and tidied up on your wife's part. She already is telling you that there is no possible way she can avoid contact. Well there is....if she goes with you to the Police Station and lodges a formal complaint.

If she was "all in", she would jump at the chance to go with you to the cops in an overt action of solidarity.

My guess is she will flip her wig if you suggest it. Thus you will know where you stand. And that is alone.

Please act now so you don't return in 6 months bemoaning the fact that she lied to you all this time and the affair never stopped.

Because it hasn't

One thing I KNOW for fact is that it's with a woman, she gave me the password to the mail.com account she'd used to communicate with this cop, the Facebook password, all social media private passwords.

She also showed me sexts from this cop, though. which were far too X-rated to post on here.

I don't think she's covering up for an affair with a male cop, none of the evidence seems to point to it, and the fact that she's shown me the woman's FB page which says "In a relationship with (my wife's name here)".

This cop also sexted vagina pics to my wife too.

But the biggest smoking gun was this cop's Instagram... my wife and this cop, both cuddling in bikini tops sitting on the hood of some Dodge cop car saying about being a couple, with the female cop's Instagram having lesbian hashtags on it.

From a legal standpoint... is the cop a limited purpose public figure?

I'm considering getting an attorney over this but do I need a Saul Goodman-type one?

I think she doesn't want to complain to the police about it because of worrying over a PR disaster and she thinks she'll be in the LA Times over the whole thing.

October 25, 2017

Um well.......

I got nothing.

October 25, 2017

Hi Folks, this is one of those threads where the adage "..... rush in where Angels fear to tread", works for me. It is sad but a real quagmire and I really feel sorry for the OP to be placed in such a situation. Best wishes.

October 25, 2017

I would report this to the Chief at the station....submit a formal complaint. Certainly this is unethical at best, and perhaps criminal if he used his position in exchange for letting her go.

October 25, 2017

Hi Standtall, the AP in this case is a woman. It is a lesbian relationship. For the rest your advice is good. Warm wishes.

October 25, 2017

I would report this to the Chief at the station....submit a formal complaint. Certainly this is unethical at best, and perhaps criminal if he used his position in exchange for letting her go.

Correction: If she used her position

It’s a female officer.

October 25, 2017

Nut shell.

Your wife pursued this relationship with the officer.

Your wife was taken in by the officers looks.

Your wife is as much to blame if not more because she was the married one.

Your wife had all the pics taken with the OW willingly.

The officer looks at it as a relationship were her feelings were being returned by your wife. Facebook shows this as well as the pics she posted with you wife.

Best advice before you stir up a hornets nest, invite the OW to coffee somewhere and work this out. Why try and destroy someone’s life because your wife cheated with her. Just like your wife same she was instantly attracted to her. She did this willing.

October 25, 2017

Was your wife sexting back. You said the OW sent pics did your wife return the favor?

October 25, 2017

Your issue is not the O/W your issue is your cheating wife. She is the only one morally obligated and bound to you by her vows. She has been actively dating another woman for the last 8 months(almost 25% of your married life), she did nothing to protect you as her husband even allowed the O/W to post pictures of their escapades on her Facebook. If you have no children think real hard if this is the woman you see yourself growing old with.

Stop the "I will try and end it with her cr*p, she's a cop" expose them if you want it to end. Your wife is still having an affair so don't waste your money on marriage counselling because it is doomed to fail, she's still cheating. You need to talk to a lawyer immediately, listen to what he tells you. Read up on the 180 and implement it immediately because you need to distance yourself from your cheating wife while you weigh all your options. Cheating is a conscious choice, it requires a lot of planning, deception and lying to carry on an affair. Your wife is good at all those things because you had no clue she was having sex with someone else. Exposure is a consequence of infidelity.

October 25, 2017

Is your wife bi sexual? You don't seem too shocked that she cheated and had an affair with another woman. Just saying, cheating is cheating and regardless that it was with an OW, she hurt and betrayed you, went against your marriage vows.

Did she truly feel bad and that's why she confessed to you? or was she pressured to by the OW (meaning the OW was going to approach you about the affair)?

If you love her and want to work with her, then go to marriage counseling. Though your wife needs to learn how to stay faithful and work on herself so this won't happen again.

If you're not sure what to do, don't make any decisions right now. Wait it out and see what her actions show you. Saying I'm sorry is one thing, showing remorse and trying to make amends/rebuild trust is a whole other ball game.

October 26, 2017

Hi OP, Firstly, can you consider changing your locatin to another city? If that is not possible then what some of the other posters have said about your wife seems spot on. She is NOT remorseful, is possibly still in touch with her AP and is trickle truthing you to keep you on slow burn. Simply put your wife was/is just as much culpable as is the woman cop. As others have pointed out, there may be a very good reason for her to have confessed to you about this affair as it is likely someone has seen them together and that someone knows you or her AP and may have threatened some action which has resulted in her coming clean to you.

You have to accept the fact that your wife is a cheater and possibly a lesbian to boot. She is certainly Bi. The thing is would you like to be married to someone who is in the mould of your wife? If she is a lesbian she is likely to leave you in, maybe a few years down the line when she finds some other AP who really warms the cockles of her heart. The best is to make a clean break now when you are in a strong position rather than years later with kids in the mix and when your wife can call the shots. Think about it. You are still young and can find a good woman to be by your side. Warm wishes.

October 27, 2017

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It must be really difficult for you. I guess I would first ask if you are willing to forgive her? Yes, adultery can end in D, but it doesn't have to. If she is truly willing to work through the issues not just from the actual affair but also the deeper issues that led up to the affair, then I would proceed with both individual and couples therapy. I would consider moving out of OW jurisdiction. It will hopefully help your wife flee from temptation. I agree with other posters that your wife must show in actions that there is NC with OW. If you and your wife do decide to proceed with counseling, here is a number that you can call for a referral: FOTF Counseling Line (855) 382-5433 or (855) 771-4357

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Wife has said she's gone NC with OW, but says it's difficult to do due to OW's job

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