hotgurl Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 My BF and I have been dating for 4 years. I am 27 he is older. We have been living together for 2 yrs. Originally I didn't want to live together before marriage but Stuff happens. We are happy and trying to buy a house. I want to get married. I have a daughter from a previous relationship. He is the only father she has ever known and he really is her dad. We have talked about our future. No more kids. A pre-nup, he has money. How the house will be worked out. A cat a dog. We love to travel and garden. So we have defiantly discussed marriage but he thinks men get screwed. He said he not saying he doesn't want to get married but he is not ready yet. So how long should I be ok with that. I mean after 4 years you don't know. Also he is 45 and never married or engaged. But he finally has a good paying job and some money that is an inheritance so he feels stable. Money is an anxiety trigger with him. Link to post Share on other sites
bebe2000 Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Waiting sucks so bad! I'm not really sure what advice to give. You said he's never been enaged or married before- do you think he might have a fear of commitment? Did he come from a broken home?, b/c that can make such a difference when deciding to marry someone. When you mention it,- marriage, how does he react? Does he get angry or does he avoid the topic. I read this great book once, it said that if a man can't deside if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you after living with you for a year then maybe you should consider leaving. I was having these issues too before I got engaged, I could not really put my feelings into words but this book really helped me out- I had him read that chapter, I think he began to understand b/c soon after he started saving for a ring, we are getting married in December- this is not a perfect story, I've been having my own issues latley- see my post! But I know relationships are hard and waiting sucks-it's up to you how long you can wait, I guess if it gets to the point that you are resenting him for it- then it may be time to leave. Having a son is a completly different issue, but I think if he's willing to take your son he sould be more then willing to take you to be his wife- especially since he's not the biological father. I'm sure he loves you very much, he just may have his own issues that have nothing to do with you speciflily, be honest with him, tell your concerned about his feelings and that you will support him in helping to fix any issues he might have. Don't let him avoid it- tell him how much it would mean to you to be his wife and that money no matter how much or how little he has will have no influence on that. He seems like a very commendable man, to take your son as his own, you can't get much better then that- I hope things work out for all of you! I hope this helped a little bit too- bebe2000 Link to post Share on other sites
bebe2000 Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 I kept saying son! Please whenever I did that replace it with daughter, I hope you don't discount what I wrote b/c of it- sorry! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotgurl Posted August 17, 2005 Author Share Posted August 17, 2005 Thanks Bebe2000 for your reply. His parents had a bad marriage and when they got divorced his mom took his dad to the cleaners. So he has that image stuck in his brain. His dad second wife was a gold digger and screwed the kids out of a good portion of inheritance. I think a lot of it has to do with the fear of losing money in a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 If you really want him to make a "yes" decision, then you have to do something drastic, like an ultimatum. Move out if he won't agree to get married in a reasonable timeframe. He has obvious commitment problems if he is 45 and never married. If he wants to live with you, then make it clear that marriage is the only way. It is not the worst thing to need somebody to help provide stability. But your love and commitment to each other has to be stronger and this is one way to test that. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted August 19, 2005 Share Posted August 19, 2005 I would take the absolute opposite course if you want to marry HIM (if you just want to get married, then there'll be another person coming along). Psychologically and financially, marriage is anathema to many men. It limits their primary tool in the world (independence) and in most cases where children are involved/going to be involved it is seriously detrimental to their finances. Add to that the huge number of bad stories people know of (like his parents) and most of his pals who are married who have gone soft and primarily dream of big screen TVs (if their wife will let them), and it just looks absolutely bleak. Ultimatims make it clear to a man that what you are looking for is ANYONE to marry; you just want to get married. If you want to manipulate him into marriage, there are more certain ways to do it. Ultimatims are often the best way to stop the relationship in its tracks. Link to post Share on other sites
New_Wife Posted August 19, 2005 Share Posted August 19, 2005 I suggest premarital counseling. You don't have to be engaged for that. You can have a "guide" help you and he delve into the fears regarding marraige & relative plusses and minuses. Plus, in a counselor's office, it's amazing how well our ears seem to work - when they don't at home. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 You don't want anymore children, you already live together, and he is perfectly happy with things the way they are. So he doesn't see one good reason for you to change your marital status. The only thing that might work for you is to give him an ultimatum, i.e. leave. But you can't do that because your daughter is attached to him. I am surprised he doesn't want any children. Why do you want to get married when you already have everything from him except the paper? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 You don't want anymore children, you already live together, and he is perfectly happy with things the way they are. So he doesn't see one good reason for you to change your marital status. The only thing that might work for you is to give him an ultimatum, i.e. leave. But you can't do that because your daughter is attached to him. I am surprised he doesn't want any children. Why do you want to get married when you already have everything from him except the paper? RP .. Great advice.. I want to add that by 45 he is set in his ways and I'll bet anything that marriage is something he will never do.. 45 and never married living with someone with a child = I have it all why would I change ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotgurl Posted August 29, 2005 Author Share Posted August 29, 2005 Why do I want to get married because it is very important to me. It is commiting to each other, it is vowing to each other to always be there no matter what, it it promising to each other to hold each when you are sick, laugh together when you are happy and cry together when you are sad and not just give up and walk away. Living together is frankly not the same. It is like saying I love you for now. I want the religious cermony as well. yes, I did have a baby out of wed lock but my family is catholic. If I had to do it over again I wouldn't move in with him. Now a days living together puts women in a terrible position and men are less likly to get married because they already have the benefits of a wfie without any of the commiment and the women who live longer and make less get no financial protection. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 it it promising to each other to... and not just give up and walk away. Living together is frankly not the same. It is like saying I love you for now. There is absolutely no guarancy that any marriage will last. Married people do give up and walk away. In modern society, the marriage certificate bounds you to nothing except to obey the law. No romantic ingredient in your case will make him change his mind. You live together. You don't want children. What will the marriage change for him? For you it will - your financial security. That's what scares him most. You can force him, ask him, threaten, beg him, leave him... but it's his call. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 Also he is 45 and never married or engaged.. Most men who are already 45 and have never been married probably will not get married. You've had 4 yrs with this dude. If you can deal with staying with him without marriage then stay in the relationship. If you really want to get married then you may want to consider other options. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotgurl Posted August 29, 2005 Author Share Posted August 29, 2005 I know I am in such agony. Marraige is really important to me it is a spirtual joining of two people. I know eventually I will have to leave him. I know he won't marry me it's just a matter of how much longer will I wait and no no altomatums one day I will just leave and he will know why. where the hell did spell check go! Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 Unfortunately it sounds like marriage is a deal breaker for both of you. If you have gone through all of the possible solutions and nothing works for both of you then you know what needs to be done. Just out of curiosity, you've been together for 4 years and in all that time it has not come up that you want to get married eventually and he doesn't? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 Yeah, what happened to the spell check? It doesn't mean that he will never marry you. You never know. But you have his love and live with him. Why are you in agony? How would marriage certificate change your financial state? Link to post Share on other sites
sundrop Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 Hey Hotgurl, I am in the same boat that you are in. I stayed for three years and finally had to ask my "now ex" about our future. Well I had to make the decision and leave, because he he couldn't tell me that he wanted to marry at some point. I didn't give him any ultimatums or anything, but I told him how I felt and how I thought after three years, I felt that if I was the person for him he should know that at some point he wants to marry me.... He is 38. Marriage is important to me too... I see it the same way as you do. So you have to look deep in your heart and decide what is best and important to you. I don't want to say leave him, because what happens if you do and he doesn't chase after you, are you ready to deal with that? My ex had I had the future talk 8 months ago and then 1 &1/2 months ago and his desicion hadn't changed, he kept saying "i don't know what the future holds"... BLAH BLAH BLah...... So I decided to leave the relationship and really haven't spoken to him since. So just be prepared and ready to deal with what ever the consequence maybe if there is one. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 but I told him how I felt and how I thought after three years, I felt that if I was the person for him he should know that at some point he wants to marry me.... some men don't want to "buy the cow" when they're already "getting the milk for free"... know what I mean? Link to post Share on other sites
sundrop Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 some men don't want to "buy the cow" when they're already "getting the milk for free"... know what I mean? I know exactly what you mean Alphamale, Love your advice by the way..... But I hate to see people walk away thinking if they do, the other person will comign running after them and when they don't, they are devistated and weren't ready to deal with that. I was hoping in some way my ex would come get me, but it has been 1 &1/2 months since I walked out and nothing. So oh well, his loss. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 I was hoping in some way my ex would come get me, but it has been 1 &1/2 months since I walked out and nothing. So oh well, his loss. 6 weeks?? WTF! That is nothing. It usually takes a lot of dudes 3 to 6 months to start missing their woman. So there is still hope Link to post Share on other sites
sundrop Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 6 weeks?? WTF! That is nothing. It usually takes a lot of dudes 3 to 6 months to start missing their woman. So there is still hope Thanks, Alphamale. Take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 6 weeks?? WTF! That is nothing. It usually takes a lot of dudes 3 to 6 months to start missing their woman. So there is still hope Actually, it takes 8 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotgurl Posted August 29, 2005 Author Share Posted August 29, 2005 js17: We have talked about marriage. He knows it is really important to me and at some point I would like to be married. He says he wants to spend his life with me but his is not ready to get married yet. I have asked him if he just does not believe in marriage. He said he believed in marriage and wasn't ready. But sometimes he is vague. I told him I wouldn't be mad but if marriage is something he doesn't want to just tell me. He wants to buy a house but I don't feel comfortable doing so without at least being engagged. record producer: the financial aspect I was refering to for myself was more social security benefits for widows and property division upon death and health insurance. I would sign a pre-nup and we have already discussed this. I have very deep beliefs about marriage that are spirtual that are really the main reasons for me wanting to get married I believe in joining as a man and woman sundrop: if I left I fully expect him to never come for me and I am ok with it. It would break my heart, it would mean it was not for us. I can't bend on marriage. I would be more sad for my daughter. alpha: dammit no more free milk my utters are tired! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 I know exactly what you mean Alphamale, I was hoping in some way my ex would come get me, but it has been 1 &1/2 months since I walked out and nothing. So oh well, his loss. My BF dated his ex-wife for a couple years and didn't want to marry her, because they had major issues. She left him and after a few months he went to another state, met her, and they got back together. They divorced a couple years later anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Dean3922 Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 Also he is 45 and never married or engaged. He is commitment phobic. End of story. He probably will never want to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 30, 2005 Share Posted August 30, 2005 "Probably." Probably = maybe. You don't know. I actually think if he spends a certain number of years with her, he might realize that she is the one! Link to post Share on other sites
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