Non-traditional relationships and assoiciated stigma

[Miss Spider]

I call it atypical not for the friend/lover aspect - the *impact* of it is what is atypical: it made me rethink my priorities in life (not in dating, in life as a whole).

 

Sorry, I misundestood... I thought you were considering making a brand new thread to chronicle your experiences/interactions with this guy and were trying to figure out which sub to put it in. My bad!!!

[Kamille]

The thing is, as we keep repeating, it's not atypical.

 

Do I have friendships that started out as unrequited love from one side or the other? Or friendships where we eventually flirted with romance and decided we were better off as friends? Or guys I dated who are now my friends? The answer is yes on all counts.

 

The difference here is that you seem to think this is bigger and better than friendship. Unilaterally, of course: he has no idea that he is currently in a non-traditional relationship that isn't a friendship or, heaven forbid, a traditional relationship. Nope. He thinks you agreed to be friends or, perhaps, since the phrasing was something like "not take things more serious" a casual dating situation.

 

I wanted to add but posted too soon: friends do inspire me. But I wouldn't change my entire life goals for them.

[No_Go]

Nothing atypical to transition from dating to friends or friends to lovers, the atypical is that it has had a strong impact on my view of life, it changed my core.

 

At this point it is not our interaction that matters. That's quite morbid thing to say but even if he wasn't around anymore the impact would have still be present.

 

Anyway... I'm repeating myself too much I'll keep it light from now on.

 

 

The thing is, as we keep repeating, it's not atypical.

 

Do I have friendships that started out as unrequited love from one side or the other? Or friendships where we eventually flirted with romance and decided we were better off as friends? Or guys I dated who are now my friends? The answer is yes on all counts.

 

The difference here is that you seem to think this is bigger and better than friendship. Unilaterally, of course: he has no idea that he is currently in a non-traditional relationship that isn't a friendship or, heaven forbid, a traditional relationship. Nope. He thinks you agreed to be friends or, perhaps, since the phrasing was something like "not take things more serious" a casual dating situation.

[RecentChange]

Out of curiosity - what is your MB type? I've noticed people that are 'sensing' (focus on the present, "here and now", factual and process information through the five senses) would agree with what you said.

 

Also, relationship does not need to be romantic one, I am probably repeating myself but a relationship with a family member, friend, coworker etc can be extremely powerful, impactful and complicated as well.

 

I am a very strong S.

 

I am an ESTJ but can swing ISTJ.

 

I don’t find my relationships with friends or family to be particularly complicated either – and professionally? I do a good job of building relationships while staying out of the fray when it comes to conflicts and drama (which has really served me well in my career).

 

And I suppose typical to my personality type, I don’t spend much time “thinking” about relationships, especially not in hypotheticals.

 

Curious, I am sure you have stated it before, but what is your MB type?

[Gaeta]

I wonder what this thread would be like if he was feeling for you the way you feel for him.

 

I imagine we would hear about the magic of soul mates, the importance of reciprocated love and attraction, how this is all you've always wanted .....

[No_Go]

I wonder what this thread would be like if he was feeling for you the way you feel for him.

 

I imagine we would hear about the magic of soul mates, the importance of reciprocated love and attraction, how this is all you've always wanted .....

 

Quite possibly G. Hard to tell but I guess something in that lines

[No_Go]

Thanks! I’d have guessed your type by your posts.

 

My type is INTJ (sometimes swings to INFJ)

 

I am a very strong S.

 

I am an ESTJ but can swing ISTJ.

 

I don’t find my relationships with friends or family to be particularly complicated either – and professionally? I do a good job of building relationships while staying out of the fray when it comes to conflicts and drama (which has really served me well in my career).

 

And I suppose typical to my personality type, I don’t spend much time “thinking” about relationships, especially not in hypotheticals.

 

Curious, I am sure you have stated it before, but what is your MB type?

[RecentChange]

Thanks! I’d have guessed your type by your posts.

 

My type is INTJ (sometimes swings to INFJ)

 

Huh, I perhaps that does explain a lot. From a most likely cheesy website:

 

INTJ weaknesses:

 

Overly analytical – A recurring theme with INTJs is their analytical prowess, but this strength can fall painfully short where logic doesn’t rule – such as with human relationships. When their critical minds and sometimes neurotic level of perfectionism (often the case with Turbulent INTJs) are applied to other people, all but the steadiest of friends will likely need to make some distance, too often permanently.

 

Clueless in romance – This antipathy to rules and tendency to over-analyze and be judgmental, even arrogant, all adds up to a personality type that is often clueless in dating. Having a new relationship last long enough for INTJs to apply the full force of their analysis on their potential partner’s thought processes and behaviors can be challenging. Trying harder in the ways that INTJs know best can only make things worse, and it’s unfortunately common for them to simply give up the search. Ironically, this is when they’re at their best, and most likely to attract a partner.

 

In relationships:

 

In romance, people with the INTJ personality type approach things the way they do with most situations: they compose a series of calculated actions with a predicted and desirable end goal – a healthy long-term relationship. Rather than falling head over heels in a whirlwind of passion and romance, INTJs identify potential partners who meet a certain range of pre-determined criteria, break the dating process down into a series of measurable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with clinical precision.

 

In a purely rational world, this is a fool-proof methodology – but in reality, it ignores significant details that INTJs are likely to dismiss prematurely, such as human nature. INTJs are brilliantly intellectual, developing a world in their heads that is more perfect than reality. People entering this world need to fit this fantasy, and it can be incredibly difficult for INTJs to find someone up to the task. Needless to say, finding a compatible partner is the most significant challenge most INTJs will face in life.

 

NTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing stability and insight into their romantic relationships. They prize honest, open communication, and all factors of the relationship are open to discussion and change, but this must be reciprocated. INTJs do what they think is right, and sometimes that comes across as cold – it’s important to know that INTJs don’t make these decisions lightly. They spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to understand why and how things go wrong, especially if they’ve devoted themselves to the relationship, and they certainly hurt deeply when things fall apart.

 

While.... ESTJs like me?

 

ESTJs are fairly unique in that their relationships don’t really change as they progress from the dating phase into more steady, long-term relationships and further into marriage. Because they value honesty and straightforwardness so highly, people with the ESTJ personality type are likely to be clear about who they are, what they’re like and what their goals are from the start, and to stick to those statements long-term. So long as their partner is able to take them at their word and follow suit, they are bound to be extremely stable relationships.

 

Ha, so me. From declaring I wasn't ever having children 2 weeks after meeting my husband, to other issues we have faced, and him responding "I always knew this about you, you told me when we met"

 

Ugh, we are big meanies. Gosh, my mom always complained about my insensitivity to her emotions, and I know I can be a bit oblivious when it comes to "feelings", especially if I do not think they are rational. Its something I try to be much more cognizant with my husband about.

 

ESTJs address conflict head-on with simple statements of fact – a very rational approach – but subtlety and emotional tact are sacrificed in the process. While ESTJs’ level-headed, calm approach is appreciated by many, for others it is an uncomfortably direct approach. For all their social skills, ESTJs are especially bad at reading the emotional side of other people, and when it comes to their partners, it’s more important than ever to try to improve.

 

But people with the ESTJ personality type are also stubborn, with a firm belief in their rightness, and they can quickly damage more sensitive partners’ fragile feelings.

 

So, I try to work on my sensitivity to feelings....

 

And No Go, while I know its inherent to your nature - but I think there would be a lot of benefit to you to try to get out of your own head a bit when it comes to these relationship matters.

 

Your threads are shockingly long - due to the analysis, over analysis, more thinking and hypothesizing... but in the end, I don't think its going to help you reach your goal, as all this critical thought is missing some key components when it comes to the nuances of human relationships.

[Gaeta]

No_ go, no luck, I am an ESTJ as well. To me things have to be logic and you're anything but logic

[No_Go]

No_ go, no luck, I am an ESTJ as well. To me things have to be logic and you're anything but logic

 

I was pretty sure Gaeta

 

At least the N/S axis I think it is very easy to tell - N's hesitate way too much to miss, S's are so much more direct.

 

I have a sister ESTJ and she always had better luck with relationships of any kind. She'll always tell me "I'll worry when it happens". I worry 3-5 years in advance

 

To prove this point and also make myself a little pathetic (showing I don't really oppose 'traditional' relationships ): I have left 1/2 of my drawers empty for the guy that will move in my home one day. I have assigned kid's room as well :lmao: And I'm not even dating...

[RecentChange]

 

To prove this point and also make myself a little pathetic (showing I don't really oppose 'traditional' relationships ): I have left 1/2 of my drawers empty for the guy that will move in my home one day. I have assigned kid's room as well :lmao: And I'm not even dating...

 

My gosh, WHY?!?

 

You have created a literal void to be filled. A void you will reminded of every day when you go to your dresser.

 

A place holder for a fantasy that can't be fulfilled in reality.

 

Fill your drawers - be a complete person. When you meet him, he's going to have his own dresser to bring along, and doesnt want to have to fit in the place holder you have created for him.

 

What a perfect analogy you have created. A physical representation of a flawed approach.

 

I still have the dresser I had in college, and my clothes are still in it. My husband brought his own, and keeps his clothes in his.

 

A marriage is about bringing two complete sets together, not filling an empty space.

[No_Go]

Recent - this was hilarious to read and I could see a lot of truth:

 

Clueless in romance - ...unfortunately common for them to simply give up the search... People entering this world need to fit this fantasy Reading this I shoudl just give up :lmao:

 

They spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to understand why and how things go wrongSo far every relationship that I had has ended with pages and pages of e-mails My friends were concerned where I find guys like this, I'm now thinking I'm provoking them. I remember even a guy I went on 2 dates with who sent me 60 (?) e-mails over 2-3 weeks, not checking how I am, but full blown description of his recent and past history. A coworker I used to argue with sent me 6 pages of e-mails psychoanalyzing my 'disdain' towards him one night (we're now friends btw, no grudges). Yeah, I'm the problem, not the guy...

 

Your type - Ugh, we are big meanies. Gosh, my mom always complained about my insensitivity to her emotions I know this one too well I grew up with a sibling who has this type of reactions.

 

And No Go, while I know its inherent to your nature - but I think there would be a lot of benefit to you to try to get out of your own head a bit when it comes to these relationship matters. Yep! I should try. Maybe a good time to practice will be my next first date

 

Huh, I perhaps that does explain a lot. From a most likely cheesy website:

 

 

 

While.... ESTJs like me?

 

 

 

Ha, so me. From declaring I wasn't ever having children 2 weeks after meeting my husband, to other issues we have faced, and him responding "I always knew this about you, you told me when we met"

 

Ugh, we are big meanies. Gosh, my mom always complained about my insensitivity to her emotions, and I know I can be a bit oblivious when it comes to "feelings", especially if I do not think they are rational. Its something I try to be much more cognizant with my husband about.

 

 

 

So, I try to work on my sensitivity to feelings....

 

And No Go, while I know its inherent to your nature - but I think there would be a lot of benefit to you to try to get out of your own head a bit when it comes to these relationship matters.

 

Your threads are shockingly long - due to the analysis, over analysis, more thinking and hypothesizing... but in the end, I don't think its going to help you reach your goal, as all this critical thought is missing some key components when it comes to the nuances of human relationships.

[No_Go]

You have created a literal void to be filled :lmao: I thought this will motivate me to meet the right person but yeah, I realize it is a bit pathetic... I'm thinking whether this weirded out the guy from the thread when he was over at my home - he asked me why and I just told him I'm planning 5 years ahead; he may have freaked out hearing this.

 

My gosh, WHY?!?

 

You have created a literal void to be filled. A void you will reminded of every day when you go to your dresser.

 

A place holder for a fantasy that can't be fulfilled in reality.

 

Fill your drawers - be a complete person. When you meet him, he's going to have his own dresser to bring along, and doesnt want to have to fit in the place holder you have created for him.

 

What a perfect analogy you have created. A physical representation of a flawed approach.

 

I still have the dresser I had in college, and my clothes are still in it. My husband brought his own, and keeps his clothes in his.

 

A marriage is about bringing two complete sets together, not filling an empty space.

[Gaeta]

I was pretty sure Gaeta

 

At least the N/S axis I think it is very easy to tell - N's hesitate way too much to miss, S's are so much more direct.

 

I have a sister ESTJ and she always had better luck with relationships of any kind. She'll always tell me "I'll worry when it happens". I worry 3-5 years in advance

 

My bf is an ESFJ so we're both opinionated extrovert. I am sure we exhaust people lol.

 

To prove this point and also make myself a little pathetic (showing I don't really oppose 'traditional' relationships ): I have left 1/2 of my drawers empty for the guy that will move in my home one day. I have assigned kid's room as well :lmao: And I'm not even dating...

 

hahaha! that made me laugh out loud!! I'm sure you have kids names too!!

[Miss Spider]

A baby room. I have said it before, No_Go, but you'll be an excellent parent. I've read some stats that egg freezing success rates are all over the place. What have you heard about it? I'd be afraid of messing stuff up in the process. I've heard eggs don't take often & other problems.

 

Having a child transforms your life. You have a little person to take care of that will love you unconditionally and vice versa. Someone who shares you and (ideally) the genes of the one you love. You never have to worry about being alone with kiddies. It's no longer about you! It's about the generation. But it's so worth it for some people. Not me, but I'm an antinatalist

[RecentChange]

For the record, I am perfectly okay with the kid rooms

 

But to have a space "this is where Mr perfect is going to fit - and this empty space will motivate me to land him"

 

Yeeeeeeah that's... Not how it works. Did you see above about your personality type having the most success when landing fantasy man no longer becomes a top priority?

 

Fill those drawers!!! You can't plan for a husband, you just can't.

 

Me?! Ha, I thought for sure the player single life is all that I wanted in life. When I met my husband, my initial reaction was get in line honey, I have enough men in my life.

 

But he was for me, and I was for him, and that quickly became undeniable for both of us.

[No_Go]

the most success landing fantasy man no longer becomes a top priority

Yeah, I can see how this works... Except when I am not on a look I don't meet any men (being introvert and not going out for fun doesn't help)

 

Some dude recently asked me for drinks as I was strolling the streets downtown trying to collect my thoughts. I freaked out and ran away... maybe I should have explored the opportunity with no expectations

 

For the record, I am perfectly okay with the kid rooms

 

But to have a space "this is where Mr perfect is going to fit - and this empty space will motivate me to land him"

 

Yeeeeeeah that's... Not how it works. Did you see above about your personality type having the most success when landing fantasy man no longer becomes a top priority?

 

Fill those drawers!!! You can't plan for a husband, you just can't.

 

Me?! Ha, I thought for sure the player single life is all that I wanted in life. When I met my husband, my initial reaction was get in line honey, I have enough men in my life.

 

But he was for me, and I was for him, and that quickly became undeniable for both of us.

[RecentChange]

When one method doesn't work... You must try another.

 

You can still get out there and meet people, but trying to fill a placeholder is the wrong approach.

 

And why did you run away?! Give people a chance, honestly the men who have been the most special to me, where also the least expected.

[No_Go]

No kid names hahah, but i checked for good schools

 

2 extroverts together... can get loud.

 

My friend-crush is INFP. Imagine the dynamics of 2 introverts But once I dated ENFP and this was the only guy I kissed without him becoming a boyfriend... I'll always miss him a little

 

My bf is an ESFJ so we're both opinionated extrovert. I am sure we exhaust people lol.

 

 

hahaha! that made me laugh out loud!! I'm sure you have kids names too!!

[No_Go]

I ran away because... I just don't understand cold approaches. What could have interested him without knowing me? I immediately (subconsciously) assume a treat.

 

 

When one method doesn't work... You must try another.

 

You can still get out there and meet people, but trying to fill a placeholder is the wrong approach.

 

And why did you run away?! Give people a chance, honestly the men who have been the most special to me, where also the least expected.

[RecentChange]

Perhaps all the unspoken things

 

Your way of moving, your presence, your smile....

 

Attraction is a funny thing.

 

My longest lasting relationships came about from chance encounters.

 

The guy I met when I came to look at a room for rent. We had a friendship with benefits that lasted two years (until I met my husband).

 

The guy I met on the train... I guess it was an animal attraction for both of us - grew from a chance meeting.

 

My husband? Friend of an aquaintance - gave me a lift to a party. Somehow become smitten after a 20 min drive together.

 

Things have to start somewhere - and it's often not born from a series of analysis.

[Gaeta]

Some dude recently asked me for drinks as I was strolling the streets downtown trying to collect my thoughts. I freaked out and ran away... maybe I should have explored the opportunity with no expectations

 

I did that as well. I even have a thread about it. Some guy approached me, said hello, and I opened my mouth, nothing came out and I ran away lol.

 

I did well with online because it's all planed ahead of time, no surprises and no spontaneity needed. Cold approaches paralyzed me.

[No_Go]

A baby room. I have said it before, No_Go, but you'll be an excellent parent. I've read some stats that egg freezing success rates are all over the place. What have you heard about it? I'd be afraid of messing stuff up in the process. I've heard eggs don't take often & other problems.

 

Having a child transforms your life. You have a little person to take care of that will love you unconditionally and vice versa. Someone who shares you and (ideally) the genes of the one you love. You never have to worry about being alone with kiddies. It's no longer about you! It's about the generation. But it's so worth it for some people. Not me, but I'm an antinatalist

 

Yeah... I know it's not the greatest solution. My friend did 2 rounds of freezing at 36 and barely got the sufficient number (I don't remember the number). She'll do the donor fertilization route - after dating someone 5-6 years ago she gave up on men completely, I always wondered why so extreme but it works for her.

 

Not me, but I'm an antinatalist I don't know how old are you but I was antalist as well until the day I turned 29. Even with my biggest crush we had a theory if you have children early in life you stop your personal evolution (he has 2 kids now btw so he gave up on the theory)

[Miss Spider]

Yeah... I know it's not the greatest solution. My friend did 2 rounds of freezing at 36 and barely got the sufficient number (I don't remember the number). She'll do the donor fertilization route - after dating someone 5-6 years ago she gave up on men completely, I always wondered why so extreme but it works for her.

 

Not me, but I'm an antinatalist I don't know how old are you but I was antalist as well until the day I turned 29. Even with my biggest crush we had a theory if you have children early in life you stop your personal evolution (he has 2 kids now btw so he gave up on the theory)

:laugh:

[No_Go]

I think that's more feasible for extroverts, I personally don't even notice the appearance, charisma etc of someone before having multiple exchanges with them (I used to make people offended when I can't recognize them - that's exactly the reason, my brain just blocks out as noise strangers).

 

But I should give it a try at least for the experience of it.

 

 

Perhaps all the unspoken things

 

Your way of moving, your presence, your smile....

 

Attraction is a funny thing.

 

My longest lasting relationships came about from chance encounters.

 

The guy I met when I came to look at a room for rent. We had a friendship with benefits that lasted two years (until I met my husband).

 

The guy I met on the train... I guess it was an animal attraction for both of us - grew from a chance meeting.

 

My husband? Friend of an aquaintance - gave me a lift to a party. Somehow become smitten after a 20 min drive together.

 

Things have to start somewhere - and it's often not born from a series of analysis.