Author justcallmesnug Posted August 21, 2005 Author Posted August 21, 2005 Originally posted by sadlittlegirl Just wondering though, if he claims he's not having sex with his wife, yet you are not sleeping with him, where is he getting it from? My MM was quite honest that sex was important to him, especially since he wasn't getting any at home. Of course now that he's back with his wife, it's driving me crazy wondering if they've started sleeping together again even though he claimed that the reason he wanted out of his marriage was because she was no longer attractive to him in that way. Currently, as far as I know, he is not having sex with anyone. Yes, sex is very important to him, and I think it is to all men everywhere. I got the same story you did that he can't stand her, he's not having sex with her no matter what, etc. That is why I can't understand him not saying anything further to her about us. I said to him you two are living like room mates. Obviously, she knows you are not sleeping with her, and she you, what do you two not even talk about this? He said no. I have told him in the past to work on hs marriage, as the situation he is in is ridiculous. He said he's not working on the marriage, and when the kid grows up he is leaving. He calls those phone sex lines, you kow, where the guys call and females on the line talk dirty to them and they masterbate (sorry to be gross). I found this out be accident when I saw one of the phone bills from the work phone with the calls listed on it. That was very upsetting, because he used to talk to me late at night, and I would try to call and he wouldn't answer and say he fell asleep. Well, at least several of those nights he was talking intimately with some stranger. I cried my eyes out about that. He said well I do have a sex drive, you know. What do you want me to do, he said. This was a few months back. Anyway, I never thought he was doing stuff like that.
Author justcallmesnug Posted August 21, 2005 Author Posted August 21, 2005 Okay, so MM is back. Now what? Called on the way home yesterday, but didn't call in the evening and didn't say he was staying home for the night either. He called today. We are on the phone about two minutes, interrupted with a phone call, says he'll call right back. It's been one hour-no call. I asked him if everyone is asking how his vacation went, and he said yeah, and I'll just give them your phone number because you seem to have a very vivid account of how it all went. Thanks, MM, for the sarcasm. So already the pain sets back in, the calls without the expected I love you at the end, calls not being returned when promised, nothing has changed. Do you all feel like this? You keep waiting for something to change, but it never does. Is anyone here nearing the end of their A and are feeling like it's just a matter of time and you are not sure if you are relieved or devastated?
newbby Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 jcms, once again i really feel for you. you gotta get away from this guy. stop talking to him, just stop. and you will be relieved in time. its been a long time since my actual affair with mm, but contact has been ongoing until recently. the other night i was up late, and it bought a vivid reminder of how at one time i would stay up late, hoping he would call, never knowing of course, whether he would or not (pathetic indeed, i know), and i felt this huge wave of relief, that all of that was long over.
Author justcallmesnug Posted August 21, 2005 Author Posted August 21, 2005 I hear 'ya. My MM and I used to talk on the phone all night long, practically, for a few years. This has been the hardest thing to get used to, the emptiness. Newbby, you and I are good ladies, we can find someone else to talk to us on the phone at night, right? I hope you MM is not on a sex line pleasuring himself instead of talking to you-talk about pathetic....LOL
newbby Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 I hope you MM is not on a sex line pleasuring himself instead of talking to you-talk about pathetic....LOL i'm pretty sure my xmm is on his wife and pleasuring himself. i doubt that he is pleasuring her all that much though! oooh meeowww
Author justcallmesnug Posted August 21, 2005 Author Posted August 21, 2005 These calls today are upsetting. I want him to say things to comfort me, and he won't say anything. He went from totally gushing out I love yous and whatever to nothing for almost a whole year. I was telling him how I felt when he was gone-nothing. No response. I had to listen to a co-worker I had to talk with while he was away tell me how she is a close friend of him and W and kids and how I only work with him, etc. That was a very upsetting conversation. I am not a liar, so it was hard for me not to tell her the truth. She hates the W too, by the way. Newbby, when you said xMM was being rude, is this what he was doing? Not calling back or responding to your emotional needs?
Author justcallmesnug Posted August 21, 2005 Author Posted August 21, 2005 Originally posted by newbby i'm pretty sure my xmm is on his wife and pleasuring himself. i doubt that he is pleasuring her all that much though! oooh meeowww Well, one thing is for sure, it probably won't be anything like being with you. This is how I feel about MM. When he finally does break down and sleep with W, it won't be anything like being with me. They have such bad feelings towards each other that he doesn't feel he can have intimacy with her. I wish I was never approached with any of this, and I feel like this guy can't stand me anymore. What did I do? I did the no sex thing because I moved and had a bad time in my life this year, a lot to do with being involved with him. His behavior also began to change, and I am not sleeping with anyone who doesn't treat me properly. I told hm I wasn't rejecting him as a man or anything because I didn't want him to take it as if it would insult his manhood or whatever. The way I feel now, I would have a hard time even kissing him, and that is what we did a lot. We would sit outside on the stairs and talk and kiss each other. We were about as close as two could be. God, I wanted this to work out so badly, even though I knew it wouldn't be soon. Just crying over this day in and day out, I am making myself sick. I give you credit, Newbby, for staying away. It will only get easier!
newbby Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 jcms, its a different situation. i have not been in the actual affair for some 6 months or so. the only physical contact at all was one slip a few months back. there was a good few months of nc in there too somewhere. most of that friendship he was trying to get me to continue the a again. he was rude to me as a friend recently with no reason for it at all. i spoke to him, he did not reply.
newbby Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 Well, one thing is for sure, it probably won't be anything like being with you i'm not really deluding myself with things like this. i am sure he has great sex with her, hopefully for her sake he is better at it with her than he was with me! i cant be jealous of her or have any ill feelings towards her, he is a pig, its not her fault. i can understand where you are at though, and i have been jealous of her in the past. i had to make myself not be, because i dont want to be somebody who is bitter towards other women just because a man is f'king us both up. if i do that, i see its the man who has won. i know a woman in a relationship with a complete jerk who makes all the women around fight over him, you know past, present girlfriends, and none of them hate him, and of course he just loves it, they are all fighting over him!
lust4life Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 MM lie. They have to, or they wouldn't get what they want. He can't be mean or break it off with you outright because you work for the company. He would not go a year without sex. You are blaming his wife for withholding sex, and you do the same thing(not that I want you to go back to having sex with him, it is healthier for you if you don't, because he would not go a year without sex. (he is getting it somewhere and he probably called that person everyday while on vacation. He doesn't do all the stuff he says he does, he uses those as excuses to have to spend less time with you. If he spent a lot of time with you in the beginning he still could now IF he wanted to. My H said we were not having sex also, and actually we were having more sex than they were, that's for sure. His W may actually have a lover too. She could be a bitch because the man has cheated so much. (she has her plan, I can just about garuantee it) You need a fullfilling life not one that drains you. This relationship is sucking the life out of you not filling you up with good feelings. He is not a doormat, he talks to you abusively, and tells you to back off, I read few things that said that in your own words. That he can be harsh, if he is harsh with you , you can bet he is with his wife. You wrote and sentence he said, in quotes, and then told the board what that meant, to me they did not mean the same thing, so in fact much of the time you are having this affair with yourself because you are telling yourself what he means when you do not really know and will not ask because you feel like you are nagging at him. He is a MM. He wants no strings. YOU want a real relationship and this will never be one. If you really need to have closure, hire a PI and find out what he is really doing, with his wife and otherwise. I can bet the man still opens the door for his wife. I am sorry to be so blunt but you are so stuck in the addiction tunnel, you need to see the light and go towards it. Make a life plan for YOU. JUST FOR YOU and take steps that direction!
whichwayisup Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 Originally posted by lust4life He is a MM. He wants no strings. YOU want a real relationship and this will never be one. This is crucial. And this is why he is backing off...Strings are now there, and so is alot of emotional attachment towards him. At the beginning it was fun, fresh and new...Now I'm sure to him it's just like another relationship and he isn't into it like he once was...The fun is gone for him. That doesn't mean he doesn't care, I'm sure he has some feelings for you and I'm sure at the time he told you he loved you, he felt it...But right now his actions and his words are screaming the opposite that you want to hear from him...Sadly for you, he isn't going to tell you what you want to hear. He isn't going to tell you all is okay and things are fine. You need to detach yourself from this MM and think about you! Put yourself first instead of him. He hasn't made you high on his priority list so why are you making him so high on yours? Sorry to be harsh too, but from where I sit everything seems very clear...
newbby Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 You wrote and sentence he said, in quotes, and then told the board what that meant, to me they did not mean the same thing, so in fact much of the time you are having this affair with yourself because you are telling yourself what he means when you do not really know and will not ask because you feel like you are nagging at him i dont actually agree with this. he outright lied to her, just like your h outright lied to his ow and then to you. sorry to be blunt.
Author justcallmesnug Posted August 21, 2005 Author Posted August 21, 2005 Originally posted by lust4life . He would not go a year without sex. As for going without sex for a year, I believe it. I think it's part of the reason he is so freakin' nasty lately. You are blaming his wife for withholding sex, and you do the same thing(not that I want you to go back to having sex with him, it is healthier for you if you don't, because he would not go a year without sex. (he is getting it somewhere and he probably called that person everyday while on vacation. Thanks for the words. I am not blaming his wife for withholding sex, and I never said that. She mainly wanted to have children, and he said they weren't having much sex when they were dating, and after the kids, forget it. He told me he doesn't like having sex with her, which is why he sought out an affair. He told me she has not even made a move or sexual inuendo on him, and that she is not interested. The one thing I believe is the sex thing. I have met others who know them, and they have offerred the same conclusion. I have to say that he is the type of person that would not be doing this is if he had it at home, whether or not people believe it out here or not. He wants to keep his family together, and I am all for that. What I am not for is how he is treating me now. The situation has been so frustrating to me. He said he would rather have an affair with someone than be intimate with her. I know they had a big falling out over something that really deeply upset him before we met. I don't remember the details of it now, but that it is what stopped the intimacy. I recall it had something to do with her coming home with some friends and saying a very embarrassing and insulting thing to him in front of the people. The idea is probably to stop trying to figure out their life and how odd the situation is. I am only concerned about how I am being spoken to, as compared to how I was spoken to. I stopped having sex with him because he started treating me in a different way, and he told me outright he was not going to tell her about me. I am a great lady, and I have done a lot for him. I could not keep being intimate after being told there would be nothing further from this relationship, which is what I wanted.
lust4life Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 "The idea is probably to stop trying to figure out their life and how odd the situation is." Get into YOU, forget about trying to get into him or their life make your own and you will be so much happier! It will be a bit of a tough time but as you have seen here, so many women are happier after they break the cycle. Are you sending out resumes?
Author justcallmesnug Posted August 22, 2005 Author Posted August 22, 2005 It's kind of funny, when MM was away I was crying my eyes out, and now I still am doing the same thing, even though he's back. His first full day back yesterday, and nothing has changed. I asked him if he is ever going to say a kind thing to me again, and he didn't answer me. The guy is in a funk about life in general. I know when we used to get together a few times a week, it seemed like maybe the only happy time in his day, other than interacting with his kids. May he despises me because I took his happiness away, and if that was sex, then so be it. I sort of feel like I am interacting with a stranger now
sadlittlegirl Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Just wanted to say I know how you feel, and send some love and support your way. I'm not one to advise, given my own crummy experience, but in retrospect I did learn a thing or to about what NOT to do. Have you considered giving yourself and MM a break from all the stress and expectations? There is no quick or easy solution, short of him walking out on his wife. My MM said once that if I had stopped all the teary-eyed griping and trying to force him to do something before he was ready, we would have lasted longer - and he really might have ended up leaving his wife. I am sure your MM feels the same way, he cares about you but you're forcing him to decide between the lesser of two evils and it may not work in your favour as is beginning to show now.
GUEST Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Why not line up some other guys to date and when you know your MM is going off on his family vacation with his wife and kids, plan your own vacation with another guy. You might miss the MM if you love him, but you won't be lonly and you'll probably have a great time. Your MM doesn't have to know about it, and even if he does find out it's none of his business--he has no claim on you. Have some fun with other guys, maybe find new and interesting ways to have sex. Experience more of life. The beauty of it is that you are already in love with a MM so there will be no chance of the other guy(s) you find breaking your heart. There are plenty of single guys who do not want relationships and just want to have fun.
Author justcallmesnug Posted August 22, 2005 Author Posted August 22, 2005 Originally posted by sadlittlegirl Have you considered giving yourself and MM a break from all the stress and expectations? There is no quick or easy solution, short of him walking out on his wife. My MM said once that if I had stopped all the teary-eyed griping and trying to force him to do something before he was ready, we would have lasted longer - and he really might have ended up leaving his wife. Did you believe him when he said that? I don't think they want to leave their wife or their life. When we won't go along with the scheme anymore then they turn it on us, like we did something to make them not want to leave. Well, in my case anyway, he never wanted to leave. I never wanted someone to like me for sex, mostly. As for giving him a break, since he has returned there has been nothing but grief. I have to get to where Newbby is, I have to come to the realization it's probably never going to be anything, and surely, he will never treat me the way he used to, which is why I loved him so much initially. Thanks for the support! Snug
sadlittlegirl Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Did you believe him when he said that? I don't think they want to leave their wife or their life. Yes I did...because he wanted out of his marriage long before I met him. When I knew him, he was already planning the gentlest way to leave his marrige. Of course he had to get up the energy to do it too, because he was used to his current way of life. But he really wanted to go. However when his wife kicked him out before he was ready, he discovered that life as a single wasn't necessarily all he thought it was, and at the first rupture went crawling back. There needs to be a strong motivating reason for him to get out and stay out as well.
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