Straight male catching feelings for lesbian housemate?

[RafikiDash]

Title sounded a bit like a bad porno but this is a lot deeper than that so please stick with me:

 

I'm Dash, I'm 26, I'm half Canadian, half British but my family moved from Canada to Australia when I was 13 so I spent all my teen years there.

I then did quite a bit of travelling before settling down with a "proper job" in Southern England.

 

Dating has never been a problem for me in the sense that I've always done well with the ladies, they've always considered me good looking and i guess that maybe my only problem is that i haven't always dealt with female attention very well.... I'm not a bad guy but I didn't know how to deal with it at 16, hell, i didn't know how at 24! So i guess you could say that I've maybe been a bit of a womaniser in the past, definitely not good 'relationship material'.

 

My longest relationship was for a year when i was 21, i told her i loved her, but i don't think i did, i just felt like i should say it. People always say that you'll 'just know' if you love someone but i don't feel like I've ever felt that!

 

I had a son two years ago, and he is without a doubt the love of my life!! To be his dad is the most amazing thing I've ever got to be! He is why I've settled where i did because i have total 50% custody and while hes so young its just easier to be near where his mum lives.

 

So I bought a barn conversion that needed a bit of work because i wanted to put some money in bricks and water for my son, but in order to afford to do that I have to have a house mate on a rent a room type bases. Anyway about 4 months ago my old housemate moved out and i needed a new one, this girl i worked with was looking for a place to live and was super keen.

 

We'd worked together for about 6 months and we got on well, maybe even better than 'well', but like, we only spoke in passing or a team events, never any more than that, we didn't even really hang out with the same people, but she seemed like a solid girl so we went for it.

 

Now she's 23 (24 in Jan) and here's the kicker - she's gay!! Came out as gay at about 19, and when she moved in with me she had a gf who she'd been seeing for about 6 months.

We used to joke (ironically now) that we were the perfect roommates because we could go out and get smashed and there was like no chance of us ending up in bed together!

 

Anyway we've been living together about 4 months ago and everythings changed!

I never dreamed we'd get on this well! I never dreamed the gal would become like my best friend! Her sense of humour is so right up my street, she has me in stitches! She split up with her ex gf a month after she moved in and I got a new job a couple of months ago but we spend so much of our free time together now its insane, she's my gym buddy, and she helped me decorate my sons bedroom, I taught her to kitesurf, and she even convinced me to go dancing with her at her favourite gay bar a few times I even went on holiday with her last month to her families holiday home in Portugal with my little boy and her sister & sisters fiance, which was all her idea

 

I don't know when exactly i started to feel something more than, what i feel for my other friends, than what i feel for anyone else, i just know that i do!

She's not my type, not at all, there girls I've really fancied have always been the same kinda gal tall, blonde, dark eyes, size 0, very feminine! Where she's like the opposite 5"3, chocolate colour hair, blue eyes, not overweight at all but average build, super sporty, a strange kind of fashion sense, very down to earth, a bit of a petrolhead. Just not what i would go for at all but.. i fancyyyy her! Like I do! Objectively she probably would catch your gaze as the most attractive girl in the room but she's got the hands down most beautiful smile I've ever seen, big but without being cheesy or goofy, and great teeth.

 

For a while i just ignored the whole thing because, well because we're 'just friends' and because shes gay!! But you cant lie to yourself can you, i don't know quite what i feel but i know I've never felt like it before...... I'm turning down hot dates because i'm going to go to the supermarket with this girl (i've kind of lost interest in other girls), i'm mad excited to see her name flash up on my phone, and when i see like a weird like green pigeon on my way home shes the person that i cant wait to tell! I feel like weirdly protective as well, she was on crutches the other week for an ankle injury and she told me off for fussing to much, which is like, so not me!

 

I guess the logical thing to do would be to chalk it up to something that just can't happen except I'm no stranger to being around women and to reading signals and I swear she's throwing signals that weren't there before!

I'm quite a flirty guy, with everyone really, i just find it fun, and she used to just roll her eyes but if i jokey-flirt, or throw like an unexpected super serious compliment, she'll obviously blush! Which in normal circumstances would be like a green light for me

Particularly recently theres been a few 'moments', you know when you just look at someone and you have like a spark, a moment, and any other girl I'd of leaned in and kissed!

But i've held back because..... she's my housemate, she's my best friend, and she's gay!

I'm just really confused by all this

[Eternal Sunshine]

Has she ever been with a guy before?

[Cookiesandough]

Lesbian means not into dudes. Sorry dude

[RafikiDash]

Has she ever been with a guy before?

Dunno man, I know she came out at about 19, so fairlyyy young, I've never asked her about before that..

 

Lesbian means not into dudes. Sorry dude

Yeah i know that, but if people can come out as gay at any point in there lives then can it not go the other way too?

It sounds mad doesn't it, it sounds a bit mad to me too, I can't even sort out what it is i feel in my own head but I for sure pick up vibes from her I never did before!

[normal person]

Yeah i know that, but if people can come out as gay at any point in there lives then can it not go the other way too?

 

Likely she wasn't straight, then "turned" gay as you seem to think -- she was always gay, realized it at some point, and just let it be known. The concept of "going back the other way" is not something I would hold your breath over.

 

It sounds mad doesn't it, it sounds a bit mad to me too, I can't even sort out what it is i feel in my own head but I for sure pick up vibes from her I never did before!

 

But her sexual orientation doesn't hinge on your attraction to her or what you feel. It's independent. You almost sound like you're about to say "I really like her, so maybe she'll be straight for me?" It's just illogical. I know the feeling, I've been attracted to a lesbian before. But you've got to think about things rationally. Think about this: if there was a gay guy who was really attracted to you and you got along great with, would you come out as gay based on that alone? Doubtful. Best of luck, but I'd say take a step back.

[knabe]

You can't control finding her attractive, just like she can't control being gay. There's nothing horrible or crazy about finding a great girl attractive. But no....if she is gay, she is gay. Elaine tried this on Seinfeld and even she couldn't get him to change teams

[RafikiDash]

But her sexual orientation doesn't hinge on your attraction to her or what you feel. It's independent. You almost sound like you're about to say "I really like her, so maybe she'll be straight for me?" It's just illogical. I know the feeling, I've been attracted to a lesbian before. But you've got to think about things rationally. Think about this: if there was a gay guy who was really attracted to you and you got along great with, would you come out as gay based on that alone? Doubtful. Best of luck, but I'd say take a step back.

 

You can't control finding her attractive, just like she can't control being gay. There's nothging horrible or crazy about finding a great girl attractive. But no....if she is gay, she is gay. Elaine tried this on Seinfeld and even she couldn't get him to change teams

 

Yeah i get that, like if she's gay she's gay. A guy could be Brad Pitt and i still wouldn't fancy him because its not my sexual orientation, i get that, i do.

 

BUT the relationship we had 2 months ago to the one we have now has changed a lot, (i mean its probably one of the deepest relationships I've ever had, weirdly!) but the way she is with me has changed, i get signals off her... lots of eye contact, more touchy, actively invites me into her personal space, more flirty tone of voice, good body language... all those signs i'd usually take as a green light, plus the fact that she texts me all the time (despite the fact we live together), plans stuff for us to do together next month, or next summer, and is doing what im doing in the sense she is spending much less time with her friends (particularly the sort of LGBT friends shes got) in preference of doing more mundane things with me, like putting up flat pack furniture.

I feel like thats got to mean something but then i dont want to be a complete idiot if it, doesnt.

[Shepp]

Particularly recently theres been a few 'moments', you know when you just look at someone and you have like a spark, a moment, and any other girl I'd of leaned in and kissed!

 

but the way she is with me has changed, i get signals off her... lots of eye contact, more touchy, actively invites me into her personal space, more flirty tone of voice, good body language... all those signs i'd usually take as a green light, plus the fact that she texts me all the time (despite the fact we live together), plans stuff for us to do together next month, or next summer, and is doing what im doing in the sense she is spending much less time with her friends (particularly the sort of LGBT friends shes got) in preference of doing more mundane things with me, like putting up flat pack furniture.

I feel like thats got to mean something but then i dont want to be a complete idiot if it, doesnt.

 

If it's like you say she's got to be noticing these moments and changes too, she's gay not blind after all - so she's either liking you or the attention.

 

Though I guess you've got to think of your confused and she has even slightly similar feelings then she must be 100x as confused!

 

Can't you just casually ask her a leading question along the lines of 'has she ever considered dating a guy yada yada'? What she says might give you a strong lead one way or the other.

[normal person]

I feel like thats got to mean something but then i dont want to be a complete idiot if it, doesnt.

 

Well if you don't think the advice here is based on an accurate assessment of the situation, and you're convinced that she's into you, eventually you're just going to have to find out for yourself. You might as well just ask her what's going on. If you're right, you're right. If you're wrong, she'll probably just laugh it off if she's as good of a friend as you say.

[whichwayisup]

She's not my type, not at all,

 

And you're not her type either, not at all!

 

Look, she's a close friend and you've become emotionally attached to her. And you care about her. Keep your heart guarded and look at her as a friend/like a sister. Kill the 'lovey dovey crush feelings' you have for her because she isn't into you that way. she's gay. It won't work so don't let your mind travel there and convince you otherwise.

[snowboy91]

Sounds kinda sucky, but unfortunately it ain't gonna happen, she's not into dudes. Twisted logic - could you be with someone who isn't into you?

 

The signals sound like friend flirting which is a little weird but it happens... it just gets really hard to untangle when one friend feels a little more than the other.

[Woggle]

Let it be. She isn't into guys and never will be. Be happy to have a good friend in your life.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have found that some gay women are actually be bi. It's not our of bounds of possibility.

 

Ask her a bit more about her life. You say you are close, ask her if she only dated women and how/when did she know she was gay. If she has any interest in you at all, you will know then and without losing face if she isn't interested.

[grays]

I think she digs you.

[RafikiDash]

And you're not her type either, not at all!

Hahahaha :lmao: Yeah, fair fair!

 

Look, she's a close friend and you've become emotionally attached to her. And you care about her. Keep your heart guarded and look at her as a friend/like a sister.

Yeah and even if that is all it is then im still bloody glad we met and got the oppertunity to get as close as we have because what we've got is pretty special, at least to me, its pretty special!

 

Twisted logic - could you be with someone who isn't into you?

Nah nah obviously not!

 

Let it be. She isn't into guys and never will be.

Do you think?

It's not that im saying 'she might turn straight for me' or anything, im not. Im just thinking that people have revelations about there sexuality at all different ages and life stages (don't they?). She's 23 not 43, is it totally ludicrous of me to think that maybe she might just meet the right guy (not that im saying that is what I am) discover that she might have feel differently to what she expected, be that bi or whatever.

Like im not saying that that IS the case!!! Im just saying...

[RafikiDash]

Though I guess you've got to think of your confused and she has even slightly similar feelings then she must be 100x as confused!

Yeah of course, I'm sure!

 

Can't you just casually ask her a leading question along the lines of 'has she ever considered dating a guy yada yada'? What she says might give you a strong lead one way or the other.

 

Well if you don't think the advice here is based on an accurate assessment of the situation, and you're convinced that she's into you, eventually you're just going to have to find out for yourself.

 

I have found that some gay women are actually be bi. It's not our of bounds of possibility.

 

Ask her a bit more about her life. You say you are close, ask her if she only dated women and how/when did she know she was gay. If she has any interest in you at all, you will know then and without losing face if she isn't interested.

Yeah yeah it's probably a good shout to be honest, its the only way i'll get any answers after all. I'll pick my moment though, i don't want to just blurt that kind of question out, its quite a personal thing..

Edited October 26, 2017 by RafikiDash

[knabe]

If you ask me 15 times if the sun is not, the answer will always be yes.

[RafikiDash]

If you ask me 15 times if the sun is not, the answer will always be yes.

 

I don't get it?

[RafikiDash]

So we had a stomping good night out for Halloween, and then we were just chilling at home nursing our hangovers together this morning (read: sitting on the sofa, under a duvet, in the dark, eating bacon buttys and watching awful tv )

 

We were just talking about life and that, and I asked her, just like, when she knew she was gay..

 

She said "quite late really, I just knew that i wasn't into guys the way my friends were and that i found girls attractive but i told myself the whole 'Oh you just find them attractive, appreciating them as good looking doesn't mean you're not straight', I was so scared to come out but when i finally told [her sister] she was like 'yeah no sh*t!' "

 

Me: "You've never felt that way about a guy then?"

 

Her: "No.. well, I don't know [long pause] I used to say that but I think now that love is far more powerful that just gender! Like I've not changed or anything, I'm not attracted to guys not in general anyway, but I think I believe that love can transcend sexuality, for anyone, if they choose to let it."

 

"What, you mean like attraction can grow?"

 

"Yeah, well it's like it's always the attraction that draws you to a relationship but attractions not enough to make a relationship! There's something more than that which takes you from i fancy you to i love you!

You know that feeling of when you really click with someone and then everything else pales to that!"

 

Me "yeah ...well no, lol, I don't think I've ever clicked with anyone tbh ....except maybe you!"

 

"Don't give me 'maybe' boy! I know you too well ...I'm serious though, you sell yourself short Dash, you never let people see the best of you"

 

Me "You kidding!? Im always telling people how awesome I am! Not my fault they all think im a bit of a f--kboy! :lmao:" (Maybe you can tell i struggle to take a sincere compliment)

 

Her: "Argh dont give me that BS!! ..I'm sure that's what some girl, who used to doodle your name in her maths book, told you when you were 14 and for some stupid reason you've spent the rest of your adult life trying to convince the world that it's true! Maybe even convince yourself!'

 

"But not you"

 

"Not even close! You're no f--kboy Daniel, you're one of the most genuine kind hearted people I know"

(That hit me somewhere deep in the feels because I haven't heard anyone call me Daniel since my headmaster at school!)

 

Again any other girl and I'd of leaned in and kissed her; but again I didn't!!!!

Maybe i should of.

I've played it over a few times but i still don't know.

[Miss Clavel]

i must confess, i feel a sense of glee at the fact that a handsome boy is finally getting his comeuppance. lol

 

how you feel right now, not being able to have the person you have feelings for, return them, is how many girls how felt about you. it stings, no?

 

what to do next?

 

think it thru. if you make a move and you're rejected, you will be living with some really ackward situations and your son might pick up on that. you will lose your bff, make no mistake, you are each other's bff's.

 

you are also her landlord, and their could be legal ramifications. she might even say she never felt anything for you and attempted to exchange sex for the rent money.

 

or

 

you might just keep on the way things are. and the way it is is that you do not possess the, uh, equipment she prefers.

 

as others have poasted, some gay means bi. and speaking as the mother of a transgender that's gone thru all the genders, things can be fluid, however, the way the brain is wired for what, uh, "floats your boat" doesn't seem to change, over the long haul.

 

if she gets with you and she's happy with your, uh, "neighborhood" will she stay with that or will she, eventually want to hang where she's most cofortable.

 

with a woman.

 

so, you make it to third base, you're crusing along in a perfet relationship with your bff and....

 

she wants to bring a woman into not only the bed but the house. where your child visits.

 

would you be jealous? would you just figure, like you, she needs some...uh,...

 

nevermind

 

think it thru.

 

she rejects you and things get ackward, she stays.

 

she rejects you and moves away and you lose her friendship

 

she accepts you and you two get your grove going and everythings great until she "reverts" back to what she's telling you she is, lesbian.

 

good luck

[RafikiDash]

i must confess, i feel a sense of glee at the fact that a handsome boy is finally getting his comeuppance. lol

 

how you feel right now, not being able to have the person you have feelings for, return them, is how many girls how felt about you. it stings, no?

A little harsh no? Of course ive dont things that are less than perfect and some things that i regret, but who can say they havent? All anyone does is their best at the time, right!

 

think it thru. if you make a move and you're rejected, you will be living with some really ackward situations and your son might pick up on that. you will lose your bff, make no mistake, you are each other's bff's.

 

you are also her landlord, and their could be legal ramifications. she might even say she never felt anything for you and attempted to exchange sex for the rent money.

 

or

 

you might just keep on the way things are. and the way it is is that you do not possess the, uh, equipment she prefers.

 

as others have poasted, some gay means bi. and speaking as the mother of a transgender that's gone thru all the genders, things can be fluid, however, the way the brain is wired for what, uh, "floats your boat" doesn't seem to change, over the long haul.

 

if she gets with you and she's happy with your, uh, "neighborhood" will she stay with that or will she, eventually want to hang where she's most cofortable.

 

with a woman.

 

so, you make it to third base, you're crusing along in a perfet relationship with your bff and....

 

she wants to bring a woman into not only the bed but the house. where your child visits.

 

would you be jealous? would you just figure, like you, she needs some...uh,...

 

nevermind

 

think it thru.

t's hard because i want an answer, i want to know what she thinks, if there's any chance for us to be more than what we are right now.. buttttttt at the same time i really dont want to ruin what we've got at the moment, the friendship. Its sad to say but the relationship i have with her is probably the best and most fulfilling relationship i've had with a gal, like, in my whole life!!

she rejects you and things get ackward, she stays.

 

she rejects you and moves away and you lose her friendship

 

she accepts you and you two get your grove going and everythings great until she "reverts" back to what she's telling you she is, lesbian.

 

good luck

I know, this is what plays over and over in my head!!

[Shepp]

Her: "No.. well, I don't know [long pause] I used to say that but I think now that love is far more powerful that just gender! Like I've not changed or anything, I'm not attracted to guys not in general anyway, but I think I believe that love can transcend sexuality, for anyone, if they choose to let it."

....

 

"Not even close! You're no f--kboy Daniel, you're one of the most genuine kind hearted people I know"

(That hit me somewhere deep in the feels because I haven't heard anyone call me Daniel since my headmaster at school!)

 

Thats a long way from saying "no, I'm not attracted to guys", you know it, and she knows it!

 

From that, i'd read she likes you mate! BUT my biggest concern would be how far along the line she is to even admitting that to herself or to sorting out her feelings in her own head.

 

I'd tread slowlyyy, and honestly i'd be tempted to let her lead... if she wants it, she'll make it happen, right?