GreenMask Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 My wife and I have been married for fourteen years and have four sons together. Recently, she went through a stillbirth, and it has left her devastated. It has hurt and affected all of us, and I'm doing my best to keep things normal for our sons, especially the youngest. She has not really come around, and has become rather withdrawn. She shuns us, and has in the past few days become snappy with me and our eldest son. He understands she's going through a lot, but it still hurts him. She does not want to see a doctor, a counselor, or take any medication. I don't know how to help her otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Just keep hugging her & asking her how she is or if she wants you to stop asking. I'm so sorry for your loss. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Awww, so sorry for your loss . Was the baby a boy or a girl? How long has it been? I think time and patience is what it will take. Lots of hugs. How many times have you brought up counseling? If it's not a super sore spot yet, maybe find some local grief and loss support groups and encourage her to go to one. Better yet, tell her YOU are going, and encourage her to go with you. This is your loss too . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenMask Posted October 25, 2017 Author Share Posted October 25, 2017 Thank you both. It's been a little over a month, and it would have been a girl. I think losing either would have hurt her, but losing a girl really crushed her. I've brought up counseling a few times in the past week, though I stopped when she asked. I've tried gently pushing her towards the subject, and she shuts it down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Thank you both. It's been a little over a month, and it would have been a girl. I think losing either would have hurt her, but losing a girl really crushed her. I've brought up counseling a few times in the past week, though I stopped when she asked. I've tried gently pushing her towards the subject, and she shuts it down. After four boys, I can imagine that losing a girl would be extra painful . She probably feels like all of the boys and men in the house can't possibly understand her pain, and you all probably can't to the extent that she's feeling it . I've never had a stillborn baby, but my ex-H and I did go through infertility for three years (which is not long considering how long some other couples go through it, but at the time it felt like a lifetime). We had a rocky marriage, but the time I actually felt the most supported and loved by him was during our infertility struggles. And it was simply because he just let me be upset and just hugged me and comforted me without trying to "fix" anything. Maybe that helps you with knowing what to do. I still say look into counseling. Even going to a grief counselor or group yourself, alone, will help you learn how to support her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenMask Posted October 25, 2017 Author Share Posted October 25, 2017 I hadn't really thought of that, that we don't see it as she does. She loves our boys, don't get me wrong, but she's always wanted a girl. I've tried to tell her that we're all feeling it, she was my daughter as well, and would have been our sons' sister, but she doesn't like hearing it. Typing it out, it does sound a bit cruel, and of course that's not my intent. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 I hadn't really thought of that, that we don't see it as she does. She loves our boys, don't get me wrong, but she's always wanted a girl. I've tried to tell her that we're all feeling it, she was my daughter as well, and would have been our sons' sister, but she doesn't like hearing it. Typing it out, it does sound a bit cruel, and of course that's not my intent. Of course she loves your boys. But, in her hurt, she may be resentful that you are not as devastated as she is (even if you are) and that the magnitude of the grief over losing her only daughter isn't being acknowledged. There really isn't any way a man could truly understand 100% what losing a baby feels like to a woman since they didn't grow the baby, they didn't have their body taken over for 9 months only to have nothing to show for it. (Not trying to trivialize your loss). She may expect your eldest son to "get it" more than he does, forgetting that he's still a child, being expected to grapple with an adult sized "problem." I'm sure he's a good kid, but he's still a kid and doesn't have the tools to know how best to help his mom because he also needs comforting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenMask Posted October 25, 2017 Author Share Posted October 25, 2017 I do agree i can't understand fully how she feels. I am trying my best to support her in every way I can, from keeping the house in order to keeping our sons entertained. I don't think you've trivialized anything, I know what you meant. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Thank you both. It's been a little over a month, and it would have been a girl. I think losing either would have hurt her, but losing a girl really crushed her. I've brought up counseling a few times in the past week, though I stopped when she asked. I've tried gently pushing her towards the subject, and she shuts it down. I still ache years after my miscarriage. There's no way she is even really functioning after a month. You must be very stoic by nature if you actually think she should be better by now. It's going to take LOTS of time....like LOTS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Hi GreenMask,I feel really sorry for you and your wife and for your sad loss. I wonder if you folk are into prayer? If you are you should get together as a family and pray every day till your wife and all of you start feeling better. You do not have to be religious minded just spiritual. Prayer is powerful. Also if you have friends and family who are concerned about your wife's welfare then you could request them to pray for you as a family at the same time as you kneel down to pray. They can pray wherever they are and needn't come to your home to join you. I also wanted to suggest that you get a copy of the book " Heaven is for Real" by Pastor Todd Burpo. It is the story of his four year old son who was seriously ill and in a deep coma. The son had a near death experience and experienced something which he called Heaven. The boy was in a coma for a week and during that time the Pastor's whole parish and his family prayed for his son's recovery. During his Heavenly visit, the boy met an older girl who came and hugged him and told him that she was his sister who died while in their mother's womb. The boy had never been told that he had a sister who had died during child birth and when he recovered and later told his parents about meeting a sister in Heaven they were taken aback. He told his parents that she told him she was happy and that she was patiently waiting for Mummy and Daddy to join her in Heaven. It is an eye opening book and very comforting for those like you folk who have just lost a child. You could probably get it on Amazon. The book has been made into a movie also. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Here is a question you do NOT have to answer. Did you "do" anything for your daughter who was stillborn? A funeral? Did you dress her to say goodbye? Any kind of marking of remembrance? It might not seem logical for a baby who was never alive outside the womb. But I know several people who have moved through late miscarriages/stillbirths better by recognizing it with a service. One friend of mine dressed her tiny daughter in a donated preemie gown. I have another friend who has done a couple of photo sessions in the hospital for grieving parents. It would be too late for some of that now, but even if it is just an engraved angel for the mantle, or a time for your family to gather, maybe write their sister/your daughter little letters and put them in a beautiful box..... Michael Rosen's Sad Book is a beautiful children's book about grief, as is The Invisible String. Perhaps your family could read one of those together to help your wife and help your kids understand what she is going through. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 After my wife's miscarriage (which I understand may not be as devastating as a stillbirth), I planted a magnolia tree in the front yard in the baby's memory. As silly or simple as this may strike people, my wife found it deeply meaningful. Maybe doing something similar will help your wife with her grief. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 (edited) Thank you both. It's been a little over a month, and it would have been a girl. I think losing either would have hurt her, but losing a girl really crushed her. I've brought up counseling a few times in the past week, though I stopped when she asked. I've tried gently pushing her towards the subject, and she shuts it down. It's only been a month. Let her grieve. Giver her time and space to grieve her loss. And give her love if she is accepting. Watch closely for signs of depression, her doctor is the best support if you have concerns about her mental health or safety. I would say that it is too early for counselling. Although, if things don't improve in the next few months, you may want to encourage her to consider the idea then. I'm so sorry for your loss. I like the idea of planting a tree, when she is ready. Edited October 25, 2017 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 I agree with the others, give her more time but do keep an eye on her and let her know that if you feel she's slipping into a deep depression you're calling the Dr and dragging her there whether she likes it or not. In the near future she'll need counseling with someone who specializes in losing a child. Her whole world has been rocked and turned upside down, the loss she emotionally and physically feels right now is unbearable. Do try to get her out for a walk and help her shower. Make a deal with her that she still has to make efforts for the other children as they are hurting too, as are you. Maybe a gentle push once in a while may help by doing the above. Sorry for your loss. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 I hadn't really thought of that, that we don't see it as she does. She loves our boys, don't get me wrong, but she's always wanted a girl. I've tried to tell her that we're all feeling it, she was my daughter as well, and would have been our sons' sister, but she doesn't like hearing it. Typing it out, it does sound a bit cruel, and of course that's not my intent. Maybe right now she's not capable of handling your pain and the kids pain. It hasn't been that long, a month is nothing when it comes to this kind of grieving... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheWoman Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 For that your wife that baby was 'real' in the way that your other children are, it was alive inside her for all those months. And it is like losing one of them in a way. So try to imagine losing one of your boys and how you would feel, as a yardstick for understanding the extent of her grief. She may also be feeling like that was her last chance, so there is grief there too. You are also are grieving, perhaps not in the same way, but nonetheless. Look at ways to grieve together. A symbolic grave is a good idea as mentioned before. Keep talking to each other, and perhaps try again if you can and both want to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenMask Posted October 26, 2017 Author Share Posted October 26, 2017 We did have her cremated, but have not spread her ashes yet. I asked my sons what they thought of doing something else for her, and the older two have wanted to do something, but did not want to ask. They like the idea of a tree or a flower of some kind and the oldest thinks it might help his mother as well. Some days are better than others, by a little bit. This morning I left her in bed because she did not sleep well last night. I've got to ask her to eat or if she has eaten when she just wants to be left alone. Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 My wife and I have been married for fourteen years and have four sons together. Recently, she went through a stillbirth, and it has left her devastated. we lost our third, everthing was great until the 'tech' stopped chatting, turned the monitor away, after a moment of more 'searching' walked out without a word. our doctor was very calming, stayed with us until the questions were answered and WE decided to leave. he told us to concentrate on our two that were still there. i had the 'pleasure' of explaining the situation to my six year. about the most devastating moments of my life --- because he didn't understand, no matter how many different ways... she was not helped by being in maternity after the 'birth'. She does not want to see a doctor, a counselor, or take any medication. I don't know how to help her otherwise.YOU should contact the doctor on what to do. you can 'schedule' a follow-up appointment for her to get the help you both need. otherwise it's kid gloves. you may need to create situations in which she has to do 'something'. start small and simple. depending on her personality this could take some serious time. my W recovered in short order (young children do that), but still had her 'moments' as did I. BTW ours was cremated and we still have the urn... years later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 We did have her cremated, but have not spread her ashes yet. I asked my sons what they thought of doing something else for her, and the older two have wanted to do something, but did not want to ask. They like the idea of a tree or a flower of some kind and the oldest thinks it might help his mother as well. Some days are better than others, by a little bit. This morning I left her in bed because she did not sleep well last night. I've got to ask her to eat or if she has eaten when she just wants to be left alone. There are companies that will make jewelry out of ashes. Google it. It might be a nice remembrance for her (i.e. a necklace with a pendant). Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 op, I am so sorry for your loss. I can;t imagine what your fmaily is going through. Your story reminds me very much of my aunt. She has three adult sons now, but her youngest, who was a little girl, was stillborn. That was over 40 years ago, and when she had her daughter, she wasn't allowed to see her or hold her, as her doctors thought it would be easier to get over the loss. Time has softened the pain for her, and she and I talk about her daughter sometimes. She told me how nice that is, as for a long time, everyone walked on eggshells around her because they didn't want to make her sad. She said she understood how it was hard for people to know what to say to her, but that made it seem like her little girl had never existed, and that hurt even more. Having a baby is usually a time to celebrate a new life, but she never got to do that. As she put it, it was like her daughter will forever be a shadow child who will always be a perfect baby who will never grow up, and even though she loves her sons so much, there is still a piece of her that is missing because she lost her daughter. Something else that she told me is that all she was told was that her daughter was stillborn. She was never given a reason why, and that has also plagued her. From talking to my aunt, here's a few suggestions. I do hope they help. - don't be afraid to talk about your daughter if your wife seems to want to - take her lead - if you have fmaily/friends in the area, encourage them to come and visit, if your wife seems up to it. Again, take her lead- if she wants to talk about the baby with them- let her. - If you haven't already, give your baby a name, and make a memory box/ baby quilt for her. Include all the things you would have put in her baby box or book had she lived. Encourage your wife to help if she can. It might be hard to do, but in the future, you may well cherish it -Encourage your wife to journal her feelings and write letters to your daughter. Writing can be really helpful. -If your wife and sons feel up to it, hold a service of whatever ind is most meaningful to you. Plant a tree in your daughter's memory, make a donation to a charity, set up a scholarship fund or find some other legacy that will honour her memory - keep an eye on your wife for signs of depression -Look after yourself too. Your whole fmaily has been hit by this, and you lost a daughter too. Be kind to yourself. Give yourselves time to mourn and grieve the loss. My sympathies to you all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenMask Posted October 26, 2017 Author Share Posted October 26, 2017 I will certainly look into the jewelry, I think that is a wonderful idea. Thank you for sharing about your aunt. I'm sorry she had to go through that. Our sons and I are admittedly walking around eggshells with her. Our sons want to talk, and sometimes she does, but often she won't. The one thing she and I haven't discussed has been a name, she always said she had one in mind, but she's never said anything since. I think that, and spreading her ashes, is a kind of finality she does not want to face right now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 Make sure she is eating properly and taking care of herself. Take over the housework for a while, and the care of the boys. Take the load off of her for a time so she can grieve. Get your boys into counseling if you can, so that they can have someone to talk to. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 Would this interest your wife? https://www.thelivingurn.com/pages/tree-zip-code Link to post Share on other sites
KimmyO Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 I am so sorry for your loss! It will take time, and some days will be hard. You are doing the right thing, explaining to your son that she is hurting, continue letting him know and remind yourself that is isn't anything he did or you are doing, it is the process of grieving, which has several steps, including anger and depression. Patience is what it will take, and prayer, remembering you are going thru grieving too, and people react differently to it all. A lot of grace and love and time is what it will take, no shortcuts or easy answers. Hope it gets easier soon for you all. <3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 I will certainly look into the jewelry, I think that is a wonderful idea. A beautiful idea. Perhaps, even a little heart with the child's birthstone in the heart. You are a kind and wonderful partner for your wife. God bless you all. Link to post Share on other sites
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