Its 1 + 1/2 yrs, we are 30 and 32, want to have kids and he hasn't proposed yet!!

[weekell75]

Hi,

 

I need your advice.

My self and my BF are 30 and 32 respectively. We have been going out for a year and a half, which has been brilliant and we are perfect for each other.

 

I am growing increasingly worried that we will miss the best years of our lives, due to his reluctance to 'move things on' a bit. I am dying to get engaged, get married and start having kids, as I don't want to be too old to enjoy them. My mum had her menopause at 35, so I am getting anxious.

 

Usually, if we were younger, I would be happy about where we are now, but I feel like time is running out. I love him so much, and we ahve so much fun, but I feel that now is the time to do a bit of growing up. I feel like he isn't considering my feelings (men can father children right up to 70 and beyond!).

 

I wouldn't pressurize him if I felt we weren't right together, but I know we are. We make such a good team. There was a time when I thought he was going to propose, but that went pear-shaped (see 'propose already!' post).

 

I think he does love me, but doesn't want to face up to the idea of growing up. I mean, he is 32 after all!

 

What can I do? I don't want to nag him into getting engaged, I will always feel that if he did propose, it was because I pressurised him into it.

 

But I don't have much conceiving time left! And I want to do everything the right way round, not get pregnant before we are married.

 

Any suggestions welcome.

 

Oh, and remember, he is a man, so hints just won't work!!

[Merin]

You've been together a year and half...

 

I guess I cannot see any reason to give him "hints" Why can't you just talk to him about what you want? Find out where he is on this... does he want Kid's?

[Barby]

Quick question for ya....have you sat down and expressed all your concerns to him??

 

 

My only suggestion for you would be if you haven't explained exactly WHY you're in a hurry to have children then I suggest you do just that. It won't be nagging or pressuring him if you just explain how you feel and your reasoning. Good luck!

[weekell75]

Thanks for the quick replies....

 

Yes, I have sat him down and told him, a couple of times, why I am feeling the way I do. He reckons he knows he will ask me, just deosn't know when.

 

Meanwhile, my ovaries do a dance whenever I lay eyes on a baby!!! But that isn't the primary reason why I want to get married. I wouldn't have a child if I thought he wouldn't be around. I can only see me being married to him and having kids with him. No one else.

[Barby]

Well if you've already explained to him your reasons and not just once, you've talked about it a few times.... Well honestly there isn't much else you can do about it.

 

Sorry I can't be of more help but seriously (as you already know) there is no way to make someone come around and do what you want them to do. You could always try giving him a deadline and if he doesn't propose (or whatever you decide to ask him to do) then you could always end it and move on.

 

BUT honestly I think the deadline thing is immature and over-rated so I honestly don't think it's a good idea.....I guess sticking it out and hoping he comes around sooner rather than later is the thing to do.

 

Hopefully Merin with her cool self will have some better ideas ...hahaha I'm sure more posters can/will be a lot more helpful than myself...none the less I wish you the best of luck!!

[weekell75]

Awww, thanks Barby,

 

Believe me, you are a help, because as long as I don't get caught up with my own 'right' answers, i can see there is a very grey area when it comes to the right thing to do.

I have given myself a deadline (not him, because I agree with you, it a recipe for disaster, if he doesn't ask me, I will have to take action even if I don't want to!).

 

He knows I love christmas, so I have given till Xmas and New Year is over to wait and see what happens. I will try not to get upset if he doesn't ask me....and I presume I shall have to talk to him again (again!), and try to see what his feeling are on the subject, and if they have changed since we last talked about it.

[Shana]

Don't pressure him .. nor bring it up when you two are sipping wine at a fancy restuarant. But I think you already know this

 

I am in your same boat ... 2 years together, I want to be married but will not even bring it up because I don't want to push him further from the proposal date. I mentally gave myself a Xmas/ New years date too.. I will be sad but hey, its not like I will up and leave, just feel like it is even further away if ever ..

 

I don't want kids, but I can see what you are saying. My family had children in their early 20's .. enough time to enjoy them/us.

 

He does want kids right? Do you live together?? Its a "sticky" situation..

[Cecelius]

For what it's worth, as a man I wouldn't even consider proposing for at least 2 full years of exclusive dating (I'm 33)

 

Second, I detected that the primary issue was child rearing, I would, honestly, just step aside and let her find someone else. If you press the baby thing, unless he's absolutely thrilled with babies, that could be why this is taking a long time.

 

Additionally, being adult does not require having children or being married (for what its worth, I have had both). You may be offending him if he feels you consider him immature.

 

Lastly, without suggesting any games, the truth is that marriage for the modern man where there are going to be children, is, frankly, a hugely restricting life choice and overall does not make a great deal of economic sense to unless you make comparable money and plan to continue doing that. Add to that the idea that your urging might seem like nagging to him, and he has to start wondering where his independence is.

[sundrop]

I had been having the same converstaion with my now ex boyfriend, off and on for 8 months.

 

Last ThanksGiving, I asked him where we were going. That at some point I wanted us to get married.

 

I am 30 and he is 37. He said at the time he didn't know if that was in his future he wasn't looking that far ahead.

 

It hurt my feeling but I admired him for being honest. We dated for 3 years.

 

I told him at that time, I had to decide if I wanted to tay or go and he said he understood.

So the topic came up again this past July, and he had the same answer, he said he didn't know what his future holds, and right now he doesn't want to get married, and he didn't know if or when.

 

So I had to make my decision and leave the relationship. As much I love him and know he loves me. He wasn't going to take that step.

 

It's probably the hardest way to end a relationship.

 

Good luck with your choice.

[clandestinidad]

I'm sorry youre dealing with that disappointment and loss, sundrop. I admire you for deciding that it wasnt right for you, and that you want/deserve something more.

 

to the OP, I agree with your timeframe/deadline...but certainly dont tell him about it!!!!! it'll be hard not to, i know

 

He might be the type of person who wont do something when someone keeps bugging him about it. It probably sounds like nagging and too much pressure for him.

 

Besides the fact that he might feel like youre ruining the fun of it for him!!! He might have a plan in mind, and really want to do it....just on HIS terms and when HE wants to. If you were really excited about suprising someone about something, and they kept bugging you about it, it kinda takes all the fun out of it. As if he'll feel like he's doing it because you told him to, and not b/c he was thrilled to.

 

or, he could be the type of person who wants to date someone for 5 years, never get married, and take all of those years away from you. Since we cant really tell what kind of person he is, I really think your deadline is good.

 

Also, if the deadline expires, make sure you tell him WHY youre breaking up with him....then he'll either come around or not....and you'll definately have all the info you need

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Weekell

 

I am 29, my ex is 32. We were together for 2.5 years and during the last 6 months or so of our relationship I spoke a lot about finally getting married and having children.

 

In the first 2 years he also talked about it sometimes, but then stopped. I told him that I wanted to get married and start a family and if he was not going to do that with me, then we should break up by the time I am 30 at the latest. We met when I was 25 and I figured that 5 years were enough time for him to realize whether he wanted to spend his life with me and raise a family or not.

 

Last year he broke up with me citing that he did not see a future for us as he did not want to have children within the next 10 years.

 

We have been seperated for a year now. I still think about him daily and miss him dearly. If I could turn back time I would stop pressuring him about having children and just enjoy being with him.

 

I know now that I'd rather have a life with him but without children, than being single and hoping to meet another man one day whom I love and who actually wants to marry me and raise a family together.

 

So my advice to you would be to think about what you would rather have. Is it a life with him or children. If you realize that you'd rather have him than dont pressure him about the marriage and children part. I read in a few books that nothing makes a man run away faster than a woman pressing him for starting a family. If he wants those things with you he will realize it on his own.

 

I hope you get everything you want out of life and wish you all the best!

[clandestinidad]

i agree with the last post.

 

i also wanted to add something that might bother some people....I think men differ from us in a huge way: they dont usually have any desire to have children unless/until their partner gets pregnant.

 

think about that for a bit.......

 

it usually happens like this: a couple is either dating, living together, or married....when talking about having kids, the man usually cringes at the thought of adding more people to the mix and having to grow up and take care/provide for everyone. Its uncomfortable and overwhelming for them. They dont have the desire for offspring that many women have.

 

It seems that only after someone gets pregnant, they eventually (hopefully) accept it with excitement. I know this isnt always the case, but it seems to be the majority from what i've seen and heard.

 

(i'm definately not suggesting that you get pregnant, of course...just pointing something out about men and kids)

 

so...keep the deadline and stop talking about kids. If you get married one day, and get pregnant THEN he will eventually be excited about having a family

[sundrop]

Originally posted by kat23

 

Besides the fact that he might feel like youre ruining the fun of it for him!!! He might have a plan in mind, and really want to do it....just on HIS terms and when HE wants to. If you were really excited about suprising someone about something, and they kept bugging you about it, it kinda takes all the fun out of it. As if he'll feel like he's doing it because you told him to, and not b/c he was thrilled to.

 

 

One of my real good friend sis dating a guy for 10 months now, they just moved in together, he was able to tell her, they have a future together, he wants to marry her. He has said marriage is in their future, but he does have a plan on how he wants to propose, when where etc... But he is not telling her. So she has something to look forward to and so does he......

 

I want this to, so that is why I took the steps I did..... I want to know the person I am with is walking down the same path. If I were 25 again, I wouldn't have made the decision I made, I would have enjoyed the ride for a few more years.. I loved being with my ex and would take him back in a minute, But I feel we are adults here in this post, and I feel that after 3 years you should know if you see a future with that person.

 

I also agree that the thought of kids, scares the pee out of guys.

Take it for what its worth, I read a book once about what makes guys commit, and he big reason they don't is they feel the need to travel light. They dont want to feel pressure in a relationship.

[weekell75]

Thanks everyone for your advice,

 

I can't remember who asked what, so ia m gonna try and answer the questions.

Yes, we are living together, which, I have to say, is bliss most of the time.

I haven't told him about my time frame, he surely wouldn't like that.

With the kids thing, I'm not allowing the need to consume me entirely, the way i see it is that I want kids, but only with him. He is most definately more important than kids are. I can only see having kids with him, no one else. (No, I didn't tell him this, that would be very bunny-boiler-ish!). But I'm allowed to say it here, right....?!

I agree with kat23, that men don't know they want kids till a lot of them are actually HOLDING the baby. Then they realise what all the fuss is about.

He wants kids for sure, he does talk about it quite frequently. And I know he will make a great dad.

But, yes, my primary concern is to not be pushy and scare him away, and the way I see it, if I DO scare him away, I will have lost both him and the hope of having a happy family.

Cecilius, I can see why you would want to wait 2 years, but given your age, what if the lady in question is about your age? She has a window in order to have children - she can't wait forever like you. Men can father children right up to the age of 70 or beyond. What if you were in that situation? Would you hurry things along a bit, take a chance, for her sake as well as yours?

[Shana]

Cecelius I do agree with you. My guy is later 30's and we discussed way too early on about waiting at least 2 years for anything further to happen. We do not want kids therefore, what's the rush. I do like my life but I just don't want him to be 40 and then decide he does not want to get married.

 

Does seem like we are all in the same boat here though. Most of our men are in their 30's already,,

[Cecelius]

Originally posted by weekell75

 

Cecilius, I can see why you would want to wait 2 years, but given your age, what if the lady in question is about your age? She has a window in order to have children - she can't wait forever like you. Men can father children right up to the age of 70 or beyond. What if you were in that situation? Would you hurry things along a bit, take a chance, for her sake as well as yours?

 

Well, my situation is different from yours -- I have kids from my previous marriage and had them very young. And you are correct about the time window: if I was getting the pressure, or just knew that it was an issue for her, I would break up with her regardless of my feelings for her.

 

My 2 year rule (and again, that's a minimum before talking about marriage -- all told, my schedule is probably 4 years from exclusive dating [and I don't go exclusive till 6 mos. or so] to wedding) is to ensure enough life cycles have passed so that compatability is better measured.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Gottabestrong

I know now that I'd rather have a life with him but without children, than being single and hoping to meet another man one day whom I love and who actually wants to marry me and raise a family together.

 

So my advice to you would be to think about what you would rather have. Is it a life with him or children.

 

This is so self-destructive. I as a mother can tell you that having children is the most wonderful, romantic, pure, strong, passionate, and unconditional lifetime love.

You want children and you should have them and no selfish man's desire to be independent should stand between you and your desire to be a mother. To cut off the greatest gift that nature has given to women (and men) to be parents is so sad and unnecessary.

You should have left him, you deserve to find someone who wants children and you will find the right guy. Don't think that he left you because of that. He left you because of that because he is not for you. Any man who doesn't want kids is not a good marriage material. The lack of desire to have children is abnormal and speaks of laziness and selfishness. Who needs a person who doesn't want any responsibilities but just wants to have fun? What if you get sick some day? He would leave you because he wouldn't want to take care of you.

In any case, a woman shouldn't compromise her motherhood for any man in this world. Nobody is so wonderful to deprive you from the thing that is really the most wonderful - children.

 

Weekell, your guy probably thinks it's too early to propose now. But you should be able to estimate the situation and see where your relationship is going. Have you discussed having children with him?

I agree that it's about time for you to have a baby, but it's not like it's now or never. There are hormones that you can take to postpone menopause. If you have told him that your mother had it at age 35 (which you probably have), it might have scared him too. Men don't like bad news. They like carefree women, because they are all children in their hearts.

 

I would suggest that you ask him if he sees the two of you together in the future with children and when he would want to have kids. You can't sell anything to anyone by saying "I want this, I want that." You need to find out what they want and how you can satisfy their needs and accomplish your goal at the same time.

In order to do that, you must know their needs and a way to meet them.

[Iluvsiamese]

I have to agree with Cecelius. 1.5 years is too quick. My rule is 3 years, minimum. I broke my own rule with my ex and if I had not, I would have never married him and would have saved myself 14 years of misery.

 

While I agree with RecordProducer that children can be a wonderful experience and if this is what you want, it is your right BUT do you want them with a reluctant spouse and father?

 

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. This is the hitch with deadlines, ultimatums etc. It is a no-win thing. If you set a deadline, be completely prepared to follow through. You also need to be able to accept that he may propose because he felt forced to and not because he wanted to. This can generate feelings of resentment down the road and he may end up not wanting either you or the kids. NOT a fun thing. My ex was the party who wanted kids, but once they were there, he was not interested in spending time with us. Your guy may adore his kids once they arrive, or he may not--it's a risk, no question.

 

My guy has basically told me that he will never remarry. So, it's up to me to decide what I want and what I will settle for. Not an easy choice. I do know that if I decide to leave and he tries to propose in order to keep me with him, that I will have to say no. He is trying to tie me to him in many ways, but marriage is out of the question. I am glad that he is honest about that and doesn't try to lead me on but I am struggling with trying to decide if I can continue as is or if I will leave.

[weekell75]

Thanks for all your advice, it does help clear things up in my head (and, God, does it get messy in there sometimes!!)

The two of us have been talking frankly about this situation, and it turns out he was aiming to get more financially stable, buy a house, get a job with a pension etc, before he proposes. I listened to him (yes, I did!), and then told him my side of the ctory, that if he wanted kids, then I am gonna need some time to give them to him, and that I don't care about the material things - if the bis house and car and pension comes later, then all well and good, but if they don't, we will be happy anyway.

Turns out he wasn't looking at the bigger picture - he badly wants kids and is now looking at the idea without his blinkers on.

I didn't back him into a corner...I told him he can wait to ask me if he wants, but by the time we have all the fancy things, we might struggle to have a family. Since then, I have left well alone because I don't want to push it and scare him off, but he keeps bringing the subject now!

We were at a wedding recently, and on the way back he suggested that we go see the place where we want the reception to be! I couldn't believe it!

Since then, we have talked about it (always him bringing up the subject, I am careful not to bring it up myself) and we kinds agreed that Autumn next year would be nice!

He hasn't asked me yet, but he knows I don't like long engagements, so thats fine.

So I am feeling far more relaxed about the whole thing, not panicky anymore.

I just have to relax and enjoy the time we are having with each other, when we haven't really got anything to worry about. (I will try, although I am the type that worries when I am not worrying!)

[Cecelius]

Good work -- that sounds like a mature way to handle it.

 

Please keep in mind what he said about the money -- many men feel, rightfully so in my opinion, that a measure (not "the" measure) of a man is the cash he's producing -- because that is in some sense the foundation of security, etc. Be sensitive to this issue and understand that you cannot reassure it away, nor can you "waive" it by telling him it doesn't matter that much to you. The more generous you can be with him, the more he will be with you.

 

You guys seem very well set up.

[weekell75]

Thanks Cecelius!

[Shana]

Any man who doesn't want kids is not a good marriage material. The lack of desire to have children is abnormal and speaks of laziness and selfishness. Who needs a person who doesn't want any responsibilities but just wants to have fun?

 

Now, now.. that was a just wrong statement. My guy does not want children. Does not make him irrisponsible nor lazy... Actually he is just the opposite.. a movitative professional. "Just want to have fun" .. ok - maybe in your world but not in mine. And what?? Any women who does not want a child is also lazy and selfish?? Let's turn the tables here RP.

 

What if the guy could not have children? Would you still put a lable on them?? Probably.

[Iluvsiamese]

I have to agree with Shana. Speaking from personal experience, my ex was the one who was hot to have kids. He claimed that he knew all about raising kids and was prepared to take on the responsibility. Ha! I disagreed with him but you couldn't tell him anything. Initially, he was interested in the kids. However, it soon wore off and he was off doing his usual "me" things--golf, fastball, hockey, pool, darts, you name it. And if he wasn't playing, he was watching and didn't want us in the same room with him. These things pretty well took up the time that he was home. The rest of the time, he was off playing at being a "businessman" and socializing. He was not the least interested in us--we were inconvenient and bothersome and he became borderline abusive to the kids. So why the determination to reproduce? In fact, I have no idea why in the world he wanted to get married. He certainly had no interest in having a wife. Having sex, yes, but not having a wife. The only thing I can figure on the marriage part was convenience and a public display of "I can do it too!" The rest is completely beyond me. Ultimately, he was the selfish one.

[JayKay]

OP,

 

Sounds like a tough situation. Honestly, being together for 1 1/2 years is not really that long of a time. I know you feel pressed for time, but I agree that waiting 2 years before an engagement is perfectly reasonable.

 

The romantic part of living together does end at some point. He wants to see how things work out day-to-day, when the first bloom of romance fades.

 

The first 6 months or so are actually the 'honeymoon' part of a romance, where you're on a your best behavior. It takes a year or so after that to really slip into being your 'true self'. The second year of living with my BF (we are together 6 years now) was incredibly difficult. Suddenly we were having all these dumb little fights and awkward moments. I was devastated because I thought the romance was over...

 

 

 

It actually meant the relationship needed to grow into a mature one. We both needed to learn more about intimacy and connection. We DID grow past that point, but it took work. So give yourselves time! Being with someone for the 'long haul' is hard work sometimes!

 

Because he is not rushing into things speaks well of him; I think it indicates some maturity on his part. He realizes this is a life commitment, not a child's game of Playing House.

 

You should have a frank and open talk about what you both want from the future.

You obviously are aching to have a baby. Not all men (or all women!) feel that way. There are adults who choose to have a childless/childfree lifestyle. You shouldn't condemn people who choose to live this way -- many of them have put more thought into NOT having children than others have put into HAVING them.

Listen to your boyfriend's concerns and feelings about child-rearing. It's a difficult and lifelong undertaking. Too many of my friends tell me, "Nobody told me what it was really like...." and find themselves unhappy because they plunged into it headfirst without learning the truth.

 

Unfortunately, the childless lifestyle vs. parenting lifestyle can be a dealbreaker for some couples. Some people feel that their life is utterly meaningless without children.....others abhor the idea of being parents and want to have their freedom, careers and alternative pursuits. You need to be respectful of your boyfriend's true feelings. Otherwise you will end up in a miserable marriage.

 

These are just cautionary words and I don't want to imply for one minute that you shouldn't have your dreams of marriage and family. Just be honest with each other and stop hinting around -- a real relationship requires real conversation and getting to the nitty gritty stuff. Yes, it's scary to talk about all this. But it's necessary.

 

I wish you luck and hope you both work out! Sounds like you're very happy with him up until this point.

[weekell75]

Shana,

I don't know what RP means, but I presume that was meant for me.

I have said that I only want kids WITH HIM, no one else. If I only wanted kids and was waiting for him to ask me just so I could start procreating, you are wrong, I would have gone out there and got pregnant with anyone.

If he couldn't have kids, we would find a way. I would rather be with someone who loves me than alone with a child and regretting what I did.

Just as I would be angry at being labelled a baby-making machine, I wouldn't regard him as the same.