Its 1 + 1/2 yrs, we are 30 and 32, want to have kids and he hasn't proposed yet!!

[sami]

To the best of my knowlege, getting married and having children are not a priority for men. That's abig issue for almost any woman in her thirties. What a huge gender difference!!!!! people just either can't or don't want to see or even bother take a look at or consider.

[JayKay]

"THe lack of a desire for children smacks of laziness and selfishness"

 

 

 

 

Hey RP......get over yourself.

 

 

I am childless by choice and work a massive amount of hours in the healthcare field. I help develop programs to combat childhood obesity.

 

 

Just remember, for the parents who chorus "It takes a village to raise a child..."

Some of the 'village' has purposely devoted their lives to helping others. Without being parents.

 

 

Be careful flinging about statements like that. It smacks of ignorance, narrow-mindedness and stereotypical labellling.

[Iluvsiamese]

You know, I think that we have to give credit for a certain amount of honesty when someone states that they are not certain if they want to parent or that they don't want to parent. Better to state it honestly than to go along with something that they are unsure of or know that they don't want. Sometimes this has a happy ending but often it just doesn't and you get parents who use activities and electronics to avoid their kids. I have seen lots of parents who were simply not cut out for the job, but did it because babies were cute and cuddly and all their friends were doing it and because it's what you are "supposed" to do once you are married. In parenting, it's not the initial commitment, it's the follow through where many people fail. Few people contemplate the obnoxious 10 year old or the dramatic, defiant teenager when thinking about having babies. It's pretty easy to romanticize the whole process and forget the reality of cancelled plans and pulling all-nighters with a kid who is vomiting and has diarrhea in a tent while camping or on a road trip or at Christmas etc. I will be the first to admit that it requires a huge amount of energy, patience, devotion and determination to parent and I firmly believe that parents are entitled to some time to be just people as opposed to parents. But the vast majority of the time, you have to bear the responsibility of that role whether you feel like it or not (like when it's you who has the flu too or are hung over or just plain exhausted.) Unfortunately, many parents are dropping the ball. I sympathize, but I feel that the root of the problem is that they weren't honest about the issue in the first place. Like nearly everything else, parenting comes with it's great times and it's awful times. If you aren't prepared to deal with both, then it's best to pass on it.

[RecordProducer]

I was saying: you want children and he doesn't so in 10 or 20 years you may regret not having children at all ebcause of him. Especially if he disappoints you. You've been together for only 1.5 years and you're madly in love with him now. But in 15 years you might feel bad for being deprived from motherhood thanks to him.

 

I NEVER said you should have a child without his consent. Desire for children is , IMHO, very important when choosing a partner. If both don't want kids the cool. If both want them, cool again. But if one wants them and the other one doesn't it's a huge scrafice for one of them. Often not worth making.

 

You are ready to never feel the wonderful phenomenon of being a mother although you want to, because of him. What I am suggesting is that it's in your favor to spend more time with him and be absolutely sure that he is wroth the sacrifice. How would you feel if in 10 years he leaves you and you're childless because of him?

[Iluvsiamese]

You are right RP--the issue of one wanting children and the other not is a huge one. It is totally necessary for both parties to be honest with their partner and themselves on the issue. For one to sacrifice their dreams for the other person's preference, either way, is not necessarily the best way to go. Generally, it breeds resentment down the line.

 

I'm not sure where the business of having a baby without his consent came in--I didn't see that in your post.

 

All I was saying, though, is that I don't feel that many people are realistic about the decision to procreate or not to procreate. I was and I went into it with my eyes wide open. I can only plead temporary insanity, ! I love my kids dearly, but I will be glad when I get them to adulthood. I often tell them that my job is not to make them happy, happy, happy and keep them perpetually entertained. My job is to make them into well-balanced, responsible, functioning adults. In the meantime, I love them enough to teach them discipline mingled with fun. And that takes alot of effort.

[RecordProducer]

I often tell them that my job is not to make them happy, happy, happy and keep them perpetually entertained. My job is to make them into well-balanced, responsible, functioning adults. In the meantime, I love them enough to teach them discipline mingled with fun. And that takes alot of effort.

Love (combined with discipline) is all they need to be happy.

[Iluvsiamese]

of course it is! But right now, they don't see it that way, at least not consciously. I think that deep down, they do and are beginning to show glimmers of being able to express that. For now they are still in the "to be happy, I need a new game, a new gameboy, a new playstation, a gamecube, more stuff, and a trip to Florida, Toronto, or somewhere else exciting..." mode.

 

Their father waffles between ignoring them and doing the disney-dad routine. The fact that I am unwilling to enter the competition is probably confusing, but their reality is that I am the one who always has been and is now with them on a daily basis. In the end, this will be what counts.

 

I am not patting myself on the back here--there are plenty of days when I just want to run away and hide. But I was raised to be responsible and there isn't anywhere to go to resign, so I keep on keepin' on!

[Gold Pile]

I love them enough to teach them discipline mingled with fun. And that takes alot of effort.

 

 

A Dominatrix said the same thing to me.

[Iluvsiamese]

I have it on good authority that I am a mean mommy, I even make them do their chores and their homework! Gasp! After what obviously was an impressive lecture at school on child abuse, my daughter threatened to call child services because I insisted that she do her homework. I offered to dial for her. She hasn't tried that one since. Guess I qualify!

[RecordProducer]

of course it is! But right now, they don't see it that way, at least not consciously. I think that deep down, they do and are beginning to show glimmers of being able to express that. For now they are still in the "to be happy, I need a new game, a new gameboy, a new playstation, a gamecube, more stuff, and a trip to Florida, Toronto, or somewhere else exciting..." mode.

 

Actually the more they have the more they want (just like adults!). I've seen my kids fighting while playing some game on the PS2 and heard them asking for toys every day, unhappy that on that day they didn't get any. But I always see them happy when we cuddle and kiss. Their mood completely depends on mine. Of course they love toys, trips, and fun, but who doesn't?

 

Children actually need discipline and authority. They are not independent and if you let them do whatever they want, they feel unprotected. They need a leader figure in their lives. You can feel if your kids are happy or not.

 

After what obviously was an impressive lecture at school on child abuse, my daughter threatened to call child services because I insisted that she do her homework. I offered to dial for her. She hasn't tried that one since.

:lmao:

[weekell75]

But as I said in the original post, he DOES want kids.....he just doesn't seem to realise that I feel time is running our for me, thats all.

He has told me many times he wants kids.

[JayKay]

Well then the issue is not 'to have or not have children'

 

The issue is then, "If we're going to do this....we need to start planning!"

 

I think you both need to set a date to TALK about future plans.

 

For example, say "Six months from now we need to have a conversation about our future together. I think that will give us both time to get our thoughts in order..."

 

It may not sound romantic to plan things out that way, but that is how marriage will be someday when you get to that point.

It's about making committments, having scary hard conversations, making your needs known and...sometimes....confrontation (which isn't always a bad thing....a confrontation doesn't mean an argument...it just means confronting an issue).

 

Once you've done this, you've given him a timeline to think about a lot of important issues.

 

DO LET HIM KNOW how important this sit-down meeting between the two of you is to you! Say, "We need to talk about what scares us most about marriage, how we plan to tackle difficult issues and how we plan to raise our children"

 

A major mistake people do make before marriage is not discussing practical matters such as

 

* How finances will be handled

* How many children each person wants

* How each person believes a child should be raised (that includes religion, discipline, etc)

* What sort of career goals each person has

* What sort of personal dreams and aspirations each person has

* Who is left what in a will

* How would each person handle the other person becoming ill or incapacitated

 

 

No....not the most romantic conversation. But if you are NOT ready to talk about these things, then the relationship may not be ready to progress towards marriage.

 

YOu should each write down your feelings about each topic. Then discuss with each other at length.

 

I wonder if your BF may then feel more comfortable about moving forward if he undestands

 

* You are serious about wanting to build a life together

* You HAVE thought about the practical, sticky details

* You are not just having baby rabies....you are interested in a long-term future

 

 

Marriages and weddings all need that romantic spark! Don't get me wrong. But too many people fly into them with stars in their eyes and wings on their feet....with thoughts of rainbows and sugarplums and "Oh isn't this Heaven all around!"

and then crash rather brutally to earth afterwards.

 

We spend more time planning a business venture than we do a lifetime committment to another human being.

Heck, I think some people do more planning on what kind of CAR they want to buy....rather than planning on what kind of marriage they want to have.

[weekell75]

Just thought I would let you know - haven't been on this site for a while - but we are engaged! I have a lovely ring, adn we are getting marries Oct21st this year. Can't wait. You guys were a great help in calming me down so I wouldn't do anything rash. Happy ending, eh?

[bab]

Just thought I would let you know - haven't been on this site for a while - but we are engaged! I have a lovely ring, adn we are getting marries Oct21st this year. Can't wait. You guys were a great help in calming me down so I wouldn't do anything rash. Happy ending, eh?

 

 

Congrats!! :love: