Frustrated with dating

[CryForNoOne]

I've had a recent string off horrible OLD interactions that has made me not want to date at all. I never understood why women would say they were tired of dating or they hated the process - surely a free dinner or drinks was better than just sitting at home. I'm starting to get it now...

 

My standards for looks are pretty high and I think it is a major source of my frustration. But I went on a few dates with women that I didn't find all that attractive. They are so much easier to get along with and none of the drama. But I just wasn't that attracted so I slow faded. I decided to stop going on those dates as I was just wasting my time and worse yet, leading some women on... About 2 months ago I made a concerted effort to date women closer to my age. They are definitely more mature. Not one has cancelled or flaked, but most look much older or are noticeably heavier than in their pics. Several were hiding major skeletons - one was still married, another claimed she only had one kid but actually had 5 with 3 different fathers. Her justification for listing only was that she had no visitation rights to the other 4 - implying she must have been a terrible mom. Another said she didn't drink - which I found later also meant she lived in an AA halfway house because she was a recovering coke addict (also kinda explained her weight gain from pics). "I don't even remember age 25 to 35" does not make a great first date impression.

 

So in October I went back to targeting the younger pretty girls but that has led to a long train wreck of models, singers, actresses, and designers that have left me utterly frustrated. I've lost track, but of the dozen or so first meets I setup, at least half of the mid-twenties to early-thirties starlet types have flaked. First of all setting many of the meetups has been a joke. Most can't meet for well over a week, which is kinda ridiculous if we live nearby. We're talking about coffee or a drink, not a date. The further out the date, the higher the likelihood that they flake. Anything over a week and it's guaranteed. We'll chat briefly, I get a number, then text to setup a meet. 24-48 hours before I send a text to confirm and they either cancel or ghost altogether. Two women wanted to chat on the phone before they agreed to meet. No problem. But one of them scheduled, postponed, and rescheduled the call so many times, it took over a week to just talk on the phone. Gimme a break... We're now 3 weeks into trying to meet. She keeps suggesting dates, then asking to reschedule because she's either tired or had to cover someone's shift (barista while waiting for auditions). The other one I talked on the phone with wanted to meet for drinks last Friday at 10PM. She texted me at 7PM that night and said she went out with girlfriends and got too drunk and asked to reschedule. I deleted her number. The absolute winner was one I met on Tinder about 3 weeks ago. We started chatting about 11PM on a random weeknight. We really hit it off and agreed to meet that night. We had a couple drinks before last call and we both wanted to see each other right away so we had dinner the very next night. We hooked up and she ended up staying over. So far everything is great. That night, she was lamenting that her roommate destroyed her laptop by spilling coffee on it (it's important to note this was AFTER sex). I told her I had an old laptop I was happy to give her but had to delete my old data off of it. I had my daughter over that coming weekend and we agreed to see each other on Sunday night and hang out through Monday afternoon. A couple hours before we meet, she sends me the following text:

 

"I'm not gonna make it tonight, and I don't think I'll be able to tomorrow now. TBH, really just interested in the laptop bc you said, that's all. if not I guess that's fine lol"

 

I replied "Ouch. I guess thanks for brutal honesty. Maybe you can pickup next week."

 

She replies "Sorry man. Don't have time for maybes. yes or no. Good day to you and all of your endeavors."

 

Wow. What a cold b!tch. I replied "No."

 

There has been one and exactly one girl who has been a delight to deal with. She is a 24 year old model from Sweden who is trying to get her green card. She suggested meeting for 5PM happy hour the very next day which was a good sign. Reconfirmed that morning. Ironically, she texted me again at 4:20PM reconfirming a second time. I wasn't near my phone so I didn't reply until 4:45PM. She wound up being late because she said there are so many flakes in America (and LA in particular) that she felt the need to reconfirm over and over before actually getting in the car. The first 30 minutes of our meet was exchanging horror stories about flakes we met (or didn't meet) on Tinder. She said in Sweden if you set a date, even if it is two weeks away, you never need to reconfirm. People just show up. She said that both men and women in America are AWFUL. I like her, but I also think she is too young. I'm 45, she's 24. My criteria now is that all the other women have set the bar so low, that merely showing up, not cancelling or ghosting, and then not being a complete liar makes her the most attractive and mature of them all. She's already expressed reservations about the age difference but I'm seeing her again tomorrow.

 

I'm not sure where to go from here. Lowering my physical standards resulted in dates that I was going through the motions trying to fabricate feelings that just weren't there. Trying to date my age resulted in meeting a bunch of women who pretended they still looked great, but those were pics from 5-10 years ago. The pretty women in their 20's are just intolerably self-centered. I've heard many guys say American girls are undateable - and they sing the virtues of foreign beauties. I never really bought into that, but this last month has really made me wonder. I met another women in her late 20's from Russia about a month ago who was also extremely straightforward to deal with. We didn't have any chemistry so it was only one date but she was neither a flake, liar, or time waster.

[KBob]

You need to go into OLD with zero expectations of it working out. Make plans with women but if they bail have something lined up for that night as a backup plan. Doesn't necessarily need to be plans with anyone else, just something you can fall back on that won't guarantee your time has been wasted. You really just need to be stoic about it and realize it's nothing to do with you. And when it starts getting to you, take a break from it, this is an absolute necessity with OLD.

 

As for your demographic, yes, younger good looking women will be more of a handfull. You seem to be doing fairly well on OLD as far as frequency and quality, why not try meeting women in real life? Not saying that will be a guaranteed fix to your problem but dating seems to be less of a headache when not on the interwebs.

[Highndry]

Depressing stuff. It is so hard to find somebody compatible, which is part of the reason I hated breaking up with my ex. I knew what I was facing, which is another trudge through a sea of dysfunction and baggage to try to find that needle in a haystack.

[kassy]

I'm 36 I have current photos up (or did until I met my boyfriend), I don't lie and I don't have kids. I am also not American. But I would suggest you keep trying with the women closer to your age who look attractive to you and seem ok when you have a quick chat.

 

I just think for me 45 is pushing it age wise for what I'd date, in my 20's a guy who is 45 and has kids would be a fling at best. Also they probably want kids at some point, do you want more?

 

If you want a real relationship, look for a diamond in the rough in the women more your age.

[mortensorchid]

If it makes you feel any better, you are not alone in this. I've been OLDing and whatnot for years and it never ceases to amaze me what is out there and what people are doing : the lying, the not caring, the emotional abuse I have endured from the man not interested (one actually walked away from me and said "Bye. Thanks for the stories." I gave him the finger and went to my car). A woman who I thought was my friend kind of fixed me up on a blind date with a guy friend of hers then blocked me on Facebook when he and I did not connect. One showed up almost an hour late high as a kite, another drove in a circle for TWO AND A HALF HOURS before he finally stopped and asked for directions somewhere, called to apologize (he had no GPS, no paper map, no CELL PHONE) a few weeks later, and then continued to call me for almost A YEAR afterward thinking we would meet again someday. But I digress...

 

This is just the world. The people you described exist with or without your being in the equation. I think sometimes "What would life be like if there was no internet?" and I can't imagine it, either on a personal or work level. But it was like that once.

 

All I can say is walk away, be happy with you, and ... Just be.

[d0nnivain]

Don't give up on dating. Give up on OLD. Find your dates IRL instead.

[GemmaUK]

They say men think logically and women think with their heart or something like that don't they?

 

So, one woman wanted your old laptop, another wants a green card.

Would it have not rung a bell with you that green card lady might be looking for a fake and illegal marriage?

 

Which would you rather give away, an old laptop of your freedom?

[Cookiesandough]

Did you talk about having that laptop before or after sex. That sounds kinda like prostitution. Sorry about your experiences. Sounds like you are only attracting people who are trying to use you.

[TheTraveler]

 

My standards for looks are pretty high and I think it is a major source of my frustration.

 

At the end of the day, you're a 45 year old man.

[CryForNoOne]

You need to go into OLD with zero expectations of it working out. Make plans with women but if they bail have something lined up for that night as a backup plan. Doesn't necessarily need to be plans with anyone else, just something you can fall back on that won't guarantee your time has been wasted. You really just need to be stoic about it and realize it's nothing to do with you. And when it starts getting to you, take a break from it, this is an absolute necessity with OLD.

 

As for your demographic, yes, younger good looking women will be more of a handfull. You seem to be doing fairly well on OLD as far as frequency and quality, why not try meeting women in real life? Not saying that will be a guaranteed fix to your problem but dating seems to be less of a headache when not on the interwebs.

 

I know its not me. I don't even meet half of them, and our text interaction is minimal. I always have a backup plan. Actually several nights I have more than one date setup. But each time I started worrying about those dates overlapping, one or both end up cancelling.

 

I'm 45, so meeting women IRL is much more difficult than my college days or 20s. Almost all my friends are married with kids. I'm self employed tech consultant so there are virtually no opportunities to meet people through work i.e. no office or coworkers to lunch or happy hour with... I had a huge social network of friends in my 20s and 30s and that's how I dated back then, but two decades of attrition and major geographical relocations later and those days are long gone. I still get a few dates IRL each year, but it pales in comparison to OLD where I can setup 5 flakes a week...

[CryForNoOne]

They say men think logically and women think with their heart or something like that don't they?

 

So, one woman wanted your old laptop, another wants a green card.

Would it have not rung a bell with you that green card lady might be looking for a fake and illegal marriage?

 

Which would you rather give away, an old laptop of your freedom?

 

Why do you think I mentioned she was looking for a green card? I'm the one who is paranoid now. She actually didn't make a big deal about it. She said she can just take a few classes at a local community college and extend her student visa for at least 2-3 years.

[act00]

You seem to have interests that fall in line with an industry that that has its fair share of problems. I met someone living in CA who found that a lot of young women aspiring to make it big in the entertainment industry were largely seeking men who could fork over money for boob jobs and head shots, and basically covering their living expenses. No matter what age group you seek, there are a lot of weeds. It's just not an easy path. That's what these first dates are about and/or some texting first. If you seek someone so young, you're going to have to deal with immaturity. If you seek someone older, they likely have baggage...not all are crazy, but you seem to migrate towards the worst of them.

 

There are no answers here. You just have to sort through the riff-raff and take a break from OLD from time to time. I'm frustrated as well. If you want the young, hotties and you're seeking a trophy wife, and if you're that particular, it's going to take longer to sort through until you find someone you click with.

[CryForNoOne]

Did you talk about having that laptop before or after sex. That sounds kinda like prostitution. Sorry about your experiences. Sounds like you are only attracting people who are trying to use you.

 

While at dinner I was talking about a photo shoot I had that day for work. I mentioned I needed a few additional head shots and she offered to come over to my place after dinner to take them for me. It didn't take long for one thing to lead to another. The laptop was only mentioned AFTER sex.

 

And to reiterate, the Swedish girl never stated she is looking for a guy to marry for a green card. The thought just immediately entered my mind after so many terrible experiences in recent weeks.

[d0nnivain]

I'm 45, so meeting women IRL is much more difficult than my college days or 20s. Almost all my friends are married with kids. I'm self employed tech consultant so there are virtually no opportunities to meet people through work i.e. no office or coworkers to lunch or happy hour with... I had a huge social network of friends in my 20s and 30s and that's how I dated back then, but two decades of attrition and major geographical relocations later and those days are long gone. I still get a few dates IRL each year, but it pales in comparison to OLD where I can setup 5 flakes a week...

 

You have lots of opportunities. You just aren't taking them.

 

There are dozens of business groups self employed people. Join one. It will get you out of the house; it will force you to network; it will help you grow your business & you will meet new people. Join your local Chamber of Commerce & go to those events.

 

Attend tech conferences. You have to interact with people to get clients & you have to keep your skills fresh. Industry learning events attract all sorts of people

 

N.B. I met my husband at a networking business card exchange.

 

Volunteer somewhere once per week doing something you are passionate about. Every non-profit I know needs a free tech guru. They will be thrilled to have you & you will have yet another opportunity to widen your social circle.

 

All your married friends -- ask them if they have single friends to introduce you to. Women love playing match maker. In that limited sense take advantage of your buddy's wives.

 

Join a gym. Take a walk at lunch time to see if there are single moms in your neighborhood.

 

Take or teach an adult education non for credit class -- ballroom dancing; golf; understanding the stock market; so you want to publish your 1st book; etc. It doesn't matter what you take. What you learn is a side bonus; you are there to meet the other students.

 

Go speed dating. Those groups need more men your age. The events keep getting cancelled because there are too may women.

 

My point is you have to make an effort. Especially as a self employed person you need to get out more.

[Gr8fuln2020]

And to reiterate, the Swedish girl never stated she is looking for a guy to marry for a green card. The thought just immediately entered my mind after so many terrible experiences in recent weeks.

 

Most people with an angle are not going to simply tell you that she/he is ONLY interested in a green card. I would never date someone who is seeking citizenship as I would be like you...wondering if it's only for the GC.

 

Dating is tough. I find myself thinking about 'what if' regarding my ex. But then I snap out of it and remind myself that there were TOO MANY 'what ifs!'

[CryForNoOne]

You seem to have interests that fall in line with an industry that that has its fair share of problems. I met someone living in CA who found that a lot of young women aspiring to make it big in the entertainment industry were largely seeking men who could fork over money for boob jobs and head shots, and basically covering their living expenses. No matter what age group you seek, there are a lot of weeds. It's just not an easy path. That's what these first dates are about and/or some texting first. If you seek someone so young, you're going to have to deal with immaturity. If you seek someone older, they likely have baggage...not all are crazy, but you seem to migrate towards the worst of them.

Absolutely not true. I have no particular interest in any of those industries. Nor do I migrate towards anything. With the sheer volume of messages I send it's not possible to "migrate" or "gravitate". I don't even bother reading profiles until after I decide to message them i.e. swipe right. And it's only to write a witty one liner. As long as they aren't a Trump supporter or talk about God in their profile, I'll message them. But in this town, if a woman is good looking, apparently there is a 75% chance they are either an actress, singer, model, or work in the fashion industry. It's also important to note that MANY are college educated and have some long term career goal but the modelling or acting thing is either a dream or a way to pay their way through school.

 

The most ridiculous excuse for I cancel I ever got was about 2 months ago

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/633022-any-multidating-tips-10.html#post7402982 was from a PhD student who was none of the above (except really good looking)...

 

The sad irony is that about half the plain jane women I've gone on dates with were actresses as well (shakes head). They weren't flakes though, so it seems to correlate more to how much attention a woman gets, rather than their chosen profession.

 

I think one HUGE problem I have is that I am only available to date on WEEKNIGHTS. On weekends, I either have my daughter or am working. So I really can't date anyone who has a normal full time job. The women who can stay out all night on a Tuesday night are apparently riff-raff. Makes sense sadly...

[Eternal Sunshine]

Out of curiosity what's your upper age limit?

 

I mean, most women in their 20s won't consider dating 45yo with a kid seriously. Unless you have something to offer them (green card, money, power). I am not surprised you have problems.

[CryForNoOne]

You have lots of opportunities. You just aren't taking them.

 

There are dozens of business groups self employed people. Join one. It will get you out of the house; it will force you to network; it will help you grow your business & you will meet new people. Join your local Chamber of Commerce & go to those events.

 

Attend tech conferences. You have to interact with people to get clients & you have to keep your skills fresh. Industry learning events attract all sorts of people

 

N.B. I met my husband at a networking business card exchange.

 

Volunteer somewhere once per week doing something you are passionate about. Every non-profit I know needs a free tech guru. They will be thrilled to have you & you will have yet another opportunity to widen your social circle.

 

All your married friends -- ask them if they have single friends to introduce you to. Women love playing match maker. In that limited sense take advantage of your buddy's wives.

 

Join a gym. Take a walk at lunch time to see if there are single moms in your neighborhood.

 

Take or teach an adult education non for credit class -- ballroom dancing; golf; understanding the stock market; so you want to publish your 1st book; etc. It doesn't matter what you take. What you learn is a side bonus; you are there to meet the other students.

 

Go speed dating. Those groups need more men your age. The events keep getting cancelled because there are too may women.

 

My point is you have to make an effort. Especially as a self employed person you need to get out more.

 

The bolded is really not true. The women I'm interested in aren't attending those sorts of events. I am a member of LeTip international, one of those weekly business networking groups you are talking about. At 45, I'm almost the youngest person out of a room of nearly 100. There isn't one person in their I'd ever date. I binged on meetup.com for about a month earlier this year before I tried OLD. I attended meetups for snowboarding, young professional mixers, 20s and 30 somethings, board games. It was 7 guys hovering around each women that I wasn't even interested in. I did pickup a girl at the supermarket back in August and we dated for about 6 weeks, so I am trying. I do best at bars, but you can't just whip up dates on demand like you can with OLD. I think I'll give speed dating a try...

[CryForNoOne]

Out of curiosity what's your upper age limit?

 

I mean, most women in their 20s won't consider dating 45yo with a kid seriously. Unless you have something to offer them (green card, money, power). I am not surprised you have problems.

 

No age limit. For instance, I have one client who is a single mom who really takes care of herself. She has a body better than most 25 year olds. She's 50 but I'd date her in a heartbeat. She's very flirty but I know she has a BF.

 

Looks-wise, probably 10% of women in their 20s. But by age 45, probably less than 1% of women. It's what I'm used to dating my whole adult life and as long as I can attract them, I won't let it go.

 

This has been discussed ad nauseam in prior threads but I don't look anywhere close to my age. If I meet a 26 year old women at a bar, she thinks I'm her age. Women my age think they'd be robbing the cradle until I make some obscure 80's pop culture references about hair bands or cheesy sitcoms...

 

I do reasonably well on OLD despite my age and daughter because I have a lot to offer on paper. Tall, in shape, good school, make lots of money, interesting hobbies, witty. As Versace Hottie says, I'm the master of the humble brag... ;-)

[soyou]

To be honest I have not read your full post since it's too long.

 

I'm 32, look like 25-26 mx in person, good-looking as everyone told me so.

 

I would never go out for a date with a 45 year old man. Too old for me.

 

So if your target group is in their 20s up to early 30s and good-looking, it's gonna tough unless you're ultra good-looking, successful and rich. But then again, you will attract a lot of gold diggers, I'm not sure if that's what you want.

Edited October 27, 2017 by soyou

[clia]

I think one HUGE problem I have is that I am only available to date on WEEKNIGHTS. On weekends, I either have my daughter or am working. So I really can't date anyone who has a normal full time job. The women who can stay out all night on a Tuesday night are apparently riff-raff. Makes sense sadly...

 

This is definitely a huge problem for you.

 

I would think most women near your age who have their act together aren't looking to stay out all night on a Tuesday, and probably want to date a man who can take her out on a Saturday night. You likely need a woman in the restaurant industry or some other type of industry where working weekends or more alternative hours are the norm.

 

To be honest, I find it strange that that you are having such a hard time finding women closer to your age who are attractive in Los Angeles. I live in the Midwest and I see very beautiful, put together women in their 30s and 40s all over the place.

 

I do think most women in their 20s likely aren't taking you seriously as a dating prospect, hence all the flaking.

[OatsAndHall]

Dating is honestly what you make of it, whether you're using OLD or actively searching in RL. I used to become incredibly frustrated about it but I have just learned to at least try to enjoy the whole process without having any expectations.

 

And, I have solved myself a lot of problems by learning to er on the side of caution. I will can any date plans if I get a bad vibe from a woman and certainly won't go out on a second date if the first one went badly.

 

OLD, for all intents and purposes, sucks. But, I have run into a few bad situations in RL lately as well. I chatted with a cute, younger woman that coaches for our school after one of the games. We hit it off, swapped numbers and made plans to meet the next weekend. I made mention of this to a close friend and he told me he was positive that she had a boyfriend. I sent her a text about it and didn't get a response. I wrote it off, didn't get frustrated and just kept moving forward. I went to a school fund raiser the next weekend and there she was, with her boyfriend and he was glaring at me the entire time. I stayed away from the two of them but I would see him scowling me from across the gym. I did meet her gaze once and she turned bright red and turned away from me. I left after twenty minutes because it was just ridiculous. This isn't the first time this has happened to me around here either.

[TheWoman]

I have experienced a fair bit of that type of behaviour lately on OLD too, but from men. I think the longer people are on OLD the ruder they get! And possibly with those in their 20s, that is all they have ever done, so they are the rudest and most inconsiderate of all. Im also a slim youthful 40s and it is so depressing meeting men my age, overweight, badly dressed, clear drinking problems (red noses etc). Add education, intelligence and chemistry to the compatibility mix and its like looking for a needle in a haystack. Maybe try women in their mid to late 30s? Problem there is a good number of them want babies and are seeing it slip away. So that is something to be aware of if you do not want more children, be upfront about that as it is not fair to date a woman who wants kids at that age if you really do not.

[CryForNoOne]

To be honest, I find it strange that that you are having such a hard time finding women closer to your age who are attractive in Los Angeles. I live in the Midwest and I see very beautiful, put together women in their 30s and 40s all over the place.

 

I do think most women in their 20s likely aren't taking you seriously as a dating prospect, hence all the flaking.

 

Maybe we have different standards. When I visit my relatives in Ohio, Minnesota, and Wisconsin, all I see is the obesity and opioid epidemic in full force. Outside of Minneapolis or Chicago, it seems like really slim pickings...

 

I agree with your last statement but it is what it is. I'm not going to lie about my age etc...

[CryForNoOne]

OLD, for all intents and purposes, sucks. But, I have run into a few bad situations in RL lately as well. I chatted with a cute, younger woman that coaches for our school after one of the games. We hit it off, swapped numbers and made plans to meet the next weekend. I made mention of this to a close friend and he told me he was positive that she had a boyfriend. I sent her a text about it and didn't get a response. I wrote it off, didn't get frustrated and just kept moving forward. I went to a school fund raiser the next weekend and there she was, with her boyfriend and he was glaring at me the entire time. I stayed away from the two of them but I would see him scowling me from across the gym. I did meet her gaze once and she turned bright red and turned away from me. I left after twenty minutes because it was just ridiculous. This isn't the first time this has happened to me around here either.

 

I'll second that. The last women I dated IRL turned out to be sleeping with her ex-BF the same time she was with me. When I confronted her about it, she basically admitted she wanted her cake and to eat it too so I split. So basically she is EXACTLY like the girl you met but I didn't have a close friend to warn me that she already had a BF. She was a complete stranger...