Frustrated with dating

[CryForNoOne]

I have experienced a fair bit of that type of behaviour lately on OLD too, but from men. I think the longer people are on OLD the ruder they get! And possibly with those in their 20s, that is all they have ever done, so they are the rudest and most inconsiderate of all. Im also a slim youthful 40s and it is so depressing meeting men my age, overweight, badly dressed, clear drinking problems (red noses etc). Add education, intelligence and chemistry to the compatibility mix and its like looking for a needle in a haystack. Maybe try women in their mid to late 30s? Problem there is a good number of them want babies and are seeing it slip away. So that is something to be aware of if you do not want more children, be upfront about that as it is not fair to date a woman who wants kids at that age if you really do not.

Sounds like most of my male friends my age... For almost 25 years, I've gone on an annual camping trip with guys I've known from college. In some of the group photos, about half the guys look like they could be my dad.

[ThorntonMelon]

Similar boat to OP, what I can say is that the supply/demand imbalance is just there in most cities in the US (I'm told the southeast favors men,northeast favors women).

 

Any good looking woman I go out with has 20 options if not me. Up to me to be charming and witty and fun, and sometimes it happens and sometimes not, but it's not a normal 50/50 dynamic.

 

Don't hate the player hate the game. But OP is dead right on it and we all bitch about it behind the scenes.

[herodgrant]

I can see why you're struggling, you come across as incredibly entitled to me. Maybe try dating someone your own age who isn't a barista and just wants you as a sugar daddy.

[Highndry]

I have experienced a fair bit of that type of behaviour lately on OLD too, but from men. I think the longer people are on OLD the ruder they get! And possibly with those in their 20s, that is all they have ever done, so they are the rudest and most inconsiderate of all. Im also a slim youthful 40s and it is so depressing meeting men my age, overweight, badly dressed, clear drinking problems (red noses etc). Add education, intelligence and chemistry to the compatibility mix and its like looking for a needle in a haystack. Maybe try women in their mid to late 30s? Problem there is a good number of them want babies and are seeing it slip away. So that is something to be aware of if you do not want more children, be upfront about that as it is not fair to date a woman who wants kids at that age if you really do not.

 

It goes both ways. I am a man who finds the same thing in women. When I tried OLD I specifically wrote that I exercise regularly, stay in great shape and am looking for the same. I still got bombarded with emails from women who were morbidly obese. It's disheartening. I am not attracted to women who are out of shape. I can't fake it. To me, obesity is similar to drug addiction - it's terrible for the body and health, and shows a lack of self discipline and impulse control.

Edited October 27, 2017 by Highndry

[herodgrant]

No age limit. For instance, I have one client who is a single mom who really takes care of herself. She has a body better than most 25 year olds. She's 50 but I'd date her in a heartbeat. She's very flirty but I know she has a BF.

 

Looks-wise, probably 10% of women in their 20s. But by age 45, probably less than 1% of women. It's what I'm used to dating my whole adult life and as long as I can attract them, I won't let it go.

 

This has been discussed ad nauseam in prior threads but I don't look anywhere close to my age. If I meet a 26 year old women at a bar, she thinks I'm her age. Women my age think they'd be robbing the cradle until I make some obscure 80's pop culture references about hair bands or cheesy sitcoms...

 

I do reasonably well on OLD despite my age and daughter because I have a lot to offer on paper. Tall, in shape, good school, make lots of money, interesting hobbies, witty. As Versace Hottie says, I'm the master of the humble brag... ;-)

 

 

You're seriously delusional if you think you actually look 26. I'm 26 and I can tell the difference within a year or two. You're kidding no one, they want free drinks. And no doubt you're buying them.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I have experienced a fair bit of that type of behaviour lately on OLD too, but from men. I think the longer people are on OLD the ruder they get! And possibly with those in their 20s, that is all they have ever done, so they are the rudest and most inconsiderate of all. Im also a slim youthful 40s and it is so depressing meeting men my age, overweight, badly dressed, clear drinking problems (red noses etc). Add education, intelligence and chemistry to the compatibility mix and its like looking for a needle in a haystack. Maybe try women in their mid to late 30s? Problem there is a good number of them want babies and are seeing it slip away. So that is something to be aware of if you do not want more children, be upfront about that as it is not fair to date a woman who wants kids at that age if you really do not.

 

I am in my late 40s, fit/athletic/toned, hi energy, background in cancer research, programming, creative, only drinks wine every once in a while...BUT not of average height. Believe me, I cannot find the same in the female gender where I am.

 

I am with you. A NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK is exactly what I'm looking for. Things are looking so slim that I am considering LDR with caution.

[meeji]

At the end of the day, you're a 45 year old man.

 

Just recently, I joined site. 54+ year old men are flirting and sending me messages. At 33, I can't imagine where they're getting the balls from to think that I'd be interested.

 

I get the impression that older men get on OLDs looking for smoking hot mid 20 year ols. The reality is that you're probably going to get women going after your money or daddy issues/draa with that kind of age gap..

 

I say try to be realistic about what you're wanting. You can't have a young super model and expect her life to be secure and stable, for her to emotionally available to invest in a serious relationship with you. If you're 45, date in your age range. Those are the women who will be looking for something long-term. If you're not finding these women attractive then.. It sounds like you better put your seat belt on and get ready for the roller coaster with the young hotties!

[d0nnivain]

California is the land of eternal youth. I get that the Midwest doesn't hold much sway & you probably can't just relocate but can you branch out geographically just a little bit? Instead of LA proper what about La Jolla or Pacific Palisades? Palm Springs? San Diego?

 

 

LeTip & BNI are probably too structured for good social networking but consider asking any older folks you meet if they have daughters or younger sisters they could introduce you to. Hunt up a straight up business card exchange event. It's a bit more like the bar scene in terms of flow of people but it is not quite so meat market-y.

[Coffeeguy]

OLD is utter trash.

[Cookiesandough]

While at dinner I was talking about a photo shoot I had that day for work. I mentioned I needed a few additional head shots and she offered to come over to my place after dinner to take them for me. It didn't take long for one thing to lead to another. The laptop was only mentioned AFTER sex.

 

And to reiterate, the Swedish girl never stated she is looking for a guy to marry for a green card. The thought just immediately entered my mind after so many terrible experiences in recent weeks.

 

Charming first date convo material. I don't think your standards are too high,man, they're too low! Are meeting any girls offline too? Might have better luck that way

[GemmaUK]

Oh dear!

 

You come across sounding very entitled.

You're 45, the max you could shave off is 10 years, if others give you more than then they're being polite or are just going along with things for a giggle because your attitude comes across.

 

The point is if you are all that and a bag of chips then women of any age would be like flies to...... around you and want to be with you.

There is a reason they are not doing this.

 

Re: Green card girl, you mentioned it but you sound keen and are meeting her again - what the hell for if you say you are now paranoid about it?!!?

[rightondude]

just keep on keepin on brother, that's all you can do. OLD makes it so much easier to find potentials; there will be another to come around every day. Eventually you'll hit the jackpot. Other than that I'd say just keep your wits about you, be a chill dude and keep your eyes open while on the job site. Put yourself out there as much as you can.

 

Also, nice hotel bars ... on weeknights you'll get out of towners show up for a quick drink. Maybe you could meet someone there who's not jaded by the entertainment industry lifestyle?

[CryForNoOne]

California is the land of eternal youth. I get that the Midwest doesn't hold much sway & you probably can't just relocate but can you branch out geographically just a little bit? Instead of LA proper what about La Jolla or Pacific Palisades? Palm Springs? San Diego?

Surely you jest. I won't even date someone in Burbank as it's too far. And the other gender feels the same way. Nobody in LA dates more than 10 miles way unless they are masochistic. La Jolla or Palm Springs is a joke...

 

LeTip & BNI are probably too structured for good social networking but consider asking any older folks you meet if they have daughters or younger sisters they could introduce you to. Hunt up a straight up business card exchange event. It's a bit more like the bar scene in terms of flow of people but it is not quite so meat market-y.

 

I don't go to LeTip to date. I go there to make money and it works well.

[CryForNoOne]

Oh dear!

 

You come across sounding very entitled.

You're 45, the max you could shave off is 10 years, if others give you more than then they're being polite or are just going along with things for a giggle because your attitude comes across.

 

The point is if you are all that and a bag of chips then women of any age would be like flies to...... around you and want to be with you.

There is a reason they are not doing this.

 

Re: Green card girl, you mentioned it but you sound keen and are meeting her again - what the hell for if you say you are now paranoid about it?!!?

 

It's never been an issue IRL. It only comes up with OLD because you need to list your age. I have a daughter with a woman who was 26 when we met and I was 41. We were together 3 years and lived together 2 years. She wasn't being polite or going along for giggles...

[rightondude]

It's never been an issue IRL. It only comes up with OLD because you need to list your age. I have a daughter with a woman who was 26 when we met and I was 41. We were together 3 years and lived together 2 years. She wasn't being polite or going along for giggles...

 

right on dude, age is JUST a number if you keep yourself fit and are successful. Now, the kid thing ..... yeeeah.....that makes it tough-er. I know.

[OatsAndHall]

Maybe we have different standards. When I visit my relatives in Ohio, Minnesota, and Wisconsin, all I see is the obesity and opioid epidemic in full force. Outside of Minneapolis or Chicago, it seems like really slim pickings..

 

This is one thing that I'll admit that I have struggled with in dating. I can find something attractive in most women but I obesity is a huge turn-off for me. I don't need a woman to be a super fit or athletic in order to be attracted to them but I have my fair share of dates where the woman was far heavier than her profile pictures. One woman was at least fifty plus pounds heavier; I didn't even recognize her.

 

And, drug and alcohol abuse around here is through the roof. People just can't seem to have a good time unless they are sloshed.

[d0nnivain]

Surely you jest. I won't even date someone in Burbank as it's too far. And the other gender feels the same way. Nobody in LA dates more than 10 miles way unless they are masochistic. La Jolla or Palm Springs is a joke...

 

I don't go to LeTip to date. I go there to make money and it works well.

 

I understand that LeTip is about making money. I have been to the meetings. What I'm saying is there are other business networking groups & events where business is not the primary draw. I actually met my husband at one of those & I got more then one date through somebody I met at a Chamber of Commerce event.

 

Being from the other coast & having driven in LA traffic, I understand the convenience of the geographical restrictions but since you are complaining about the flakey chicks in the entertainment industry in LA proper you may have to bite bullet & look in the suburbs for a more suitable companion.

[Lauwatchthestars]

I feel sorry that your online dating experience is leaving you frustrated -at the same time, just wanted to throw a reminder that not all foreigners are dating random people off the internet just to get a green card, though. Maybe she really only likes you because of who you are. I'm a 35-year-old woman from Italy on a temporary visa who's dating (or trying to lol) men in NYC and I can assure you that no green card *hope* will make me lower my standards or date people I'm not interested in. That's just a ridiculous cliché.

[Eternal Sunshine]

The funny thing is, I am in late 30s (so too old for OP) and my upper age limit on OLD is 44. I dated a 44 yo separated guy this year (that was the oldest guy I ever dated) and my friends all thought he was too old for me

 

You may find an occasional 20 something that will date you but majority would simply not go that old unless they want something from you. I have quite few friends in their 20s and the oldest they date is early 30s, with a strong preference for under 30. I am not surprised that you are having problems at all.

 

I am sorry but I have never in my life seen a 45yo that looks 26. Time to take a proper look in the mirror

[CryForNoOne]

The funny thing is, I am in late 30s (so too old for OP) and my upper age limit on OLD is 44. I dated a 44 yo separated guy this year (that was the oldest guy I ever dated) and my friends all thought he was too old for me

 

You may find an occasional 20 something that will date you but majority would simply not go that old unless they want something from you. I have quite few friends in their 20s and the oldest they date is early 30s, with a strong preference for under 30. I am not surprised that you are having problems at all.

 

I am sorry but I have never in my life seen a 45yo that looks 26. Time to take a proper look in the mirror

 

You asked me what my upper age limit was and I answered you directly that I had none. So why continue to harp on the age thing? You're making an assumption that I have a delusional self image of my age, which I suppose is understandable, but would you at least consider the possibility you are wrong? Almost every single person I met who has tried to guess my age is 15-20 years off. When I date in IRL, I attract women much younger than me.

[CryForNoOne]

I feel sorry that your online dating experience is leaving you frustrated -at the same time, just wanted to throw a reminder that not all foreigners are dating random people off the internet just to get a green card, though. Maybe she really only likes you because of who you are. I'm a 35-year-old woman from Italy on a temporary visa who's dating (or trying to lol) men in NYC and I can assure you that no green card *hope* will make me lower my standards or date people I'm not interested in. That's just a ridiculous cliché.

 

I agree with you. I noted it in the back of my mind, but it's many of the respondents to this thread who are making that ridiculous assumption...

[Bantosm]

I've had a recent string off horrible OLD interactions that has made me not want to date at all. I never understood why women would say they were tired of dating or they hated the process - surely a free dinner or drinks was better than just sitting at home. I'm starting to get it now...

 

My standards for looks are pretty high and I think it is a major source of my frustration. But I went on a few dates with women that I didn't find all that attractive. They are so much easier to get along with and none of the drama. But I just wasn't that attracted so I slow faded. I decided to stop going on those dates as I was just wasting my time and worse yet, leading some women on... About 2 months ago I made a concerted effort to date women closer to my age. They are definitely more mature. Not one has cancelled or flaked, but most look much older or are noticeably heavier than in their pics. Several were hiding major skeletons - one was still married, another claimed she only had one kid but actually had 5 with 3 different fathers. Her justification for listing only was that she had no visitation rights to the other 4 - implying she must have been a terrible mom. Another said she didn't drink - which I found later also meant she lived in an AA halfway house because she was a recovering coke addict (also kinda explained her weight gain from pics). "I don't even remember age 25 to 35" does not make a great first date impression.

 

So in October I went back to targeting the younger pretty girls but that has led to a long train wreck of models, singers, actresses, and designers that have left me utterly frustrated. I've lost track, but of the dozen or so first meets I setup, at least half of the mid-twenties to early-thirties starlet types have flaked. First of all setting many of the meetups has been a joke. Most can't meet for well over a week, which is kinda ridiculous if we live nearby. We're talking about coffee or a drink, not a date. The further out the date, the higher the likelihood that they flake. Anything over a week and it's guaranteed. We'll chat briefly, I get a number, then text to setup a meet. 24-48 hours before I send a text to confirm and they either cancel or ghost altogether. Two women wanted to chat on the phone before they agreed to meet. No problem. But one of them scheduled, postponed, and rescheduled the call so many times, it took over a week to just talk on the phone. Gimme a break... We're now 3 weeks into trying to meet. She keeps suggesting dates, then asking to reschedule because she's either tired or had to cover someone's shift (barista while waiting for auditions). The other one I talked on the phone with wanted to meet for drinks last Friday at 10PM. She texted me at 7PM that night and said she went out with girlfriends and got too drunk and asked to reschedule. I deleted her number. The absolute winner was one I met on Tinder about 3 weeks ago. We started chatting about 11PM on a random weeknight. We really hit it off and agreed to meet that night. We had a couple drinks before last call and we both wanted to see each other right away so we had dinner the very next night. We hooked up and she ended up staying over. So far everything is great. That night, she was lamenting that her roommate destroyed her laptop by spilling coffee on it (it's important to note this was AFTER sex). I told her I had an old laptop I was happy to give her but had to delete my old data off of it. I had my daughter over that coming weekend and we agreed to see each other on Sunday night and hang out through Monday afternoon. A couple hours before we meet, she sends me the following text:

 

"I'm not gonna make it tonight, and I don't think I'll be able to tomorrow now. TBH, really just interested in the laptop bc you said, that's all. if not I guess that's fine lol"

 

I replied "Ouch. I guess thanks for brutal honesty. Maybe you can pickup next week."

 

She replies "Sorry man. Don't have time for maybes. yes or no. Good day to you and all of your endeavors."

 

Wow. What a cold b!tch. I replied "No."

 

There has been one and exactly one girl who has been a delight to deal with. She is a 24 year old model from Sweden who is trying to get her green card. She suggested meeting for 5PM happy hour the very next day which was a good sign. Reconfirmed that morning. Ironically, she texted me again at 4:20PM reconfirming a second time. I wasn't near my phone so I didn't reply until 4:45PM. She wound up being late because she said there are so many flakes in America (and LA in particular) that she felt the need to reconfirm over and over before actually getting in the car. The first 30 minutes of our meet was exchanging horror stories about flakes we met (or didn't meet) on Tinder. She said in Sweden if you set a date, even if it is two weeks away, you never need to reconfirm. People just show up. She said that both men and women in America are AWFUL. I like her, but I also think she is too young. I'm 45, she's 24. My criteria now is that all the other women have set the bar so low, that merely showing up, not cancelling or ghosting, and then not being a complete liar makes her the most attractive and mature of them all. She's already expressed reservations about the age difference but I'm seeing her again tomorrow.

 

I'm not sure where to go from here. Lowering my physical standards resulted in dates that I was going through the motions trying to fabricate feelings that just weren't there. Trying to date my age resulted in meeting a bunch of women who pretended they still looked great, but those were pics from 5-10 years ago. The pretty women in their 20's are just intolerably self-centered. I've heard many guys say American girls are undateable - and they sing the virtues of foreign beauties. I never really bought into that, but this last month has really made me wonder. I met another women in her late 20's from Russia about a month ago who was also extremely straightforward to deal with. We didn't have any chemistry so it was only one date but she was neither a flake, liar, or time waster.

It sounds like your issue is not dating but online dating, there's a big difference.

You need to go into OLD with zero expectations of it working out.

Zero expectations; zero results. There no point in trying anything unless you have the initiative and are willing to fail.