Failing friendship - Is it worth the effort?

[Jyl_Unit]

Sorry this is kinda long...

 

My best friend (I'll call her Katie for all intents and purposes) and I decided to go to different colleges last year. She went to Orlando and I stayed in our town. It was very hard for me, but seemed to be harder for her. We talked a lot in the begining, but the transition, classes, work, and new friends caught up with me.

 

Because I stayed in town, I stayed close with my old friends that had also decided to stay here. Katie and I started to lose touch. It didn't help that she had a new philosophy on friendship. She figured, if I didn't call her, I didn't want to talk to her - or if I didn't ask her how she was at least once a day, she wouldn't tell me anything, good news or bad. When we talked on the phone or online, me asking her how she was doing and if anything had happened of late, I got a "nothing" or "same old." It wasn't that I didn't ask, it was that I didn't ask enough times, or maybe that I wasn't specific enough in my questioning.

 

We had a fight midway into the second semester. She called, all upset that I never called her. I told her that I was busy with school and that I did try, such as, when I didn't have time to sit down and call I would IM her a little note and whatnot. Apparently my efforts were not enough. She told me that if I really cared I would make time and call and so on. I was angry at this point. I had enough of her telling me that I didn't care at all just because I didn't ask her 10 time how she was doing and why she wasn't talking to me. I almost blew up at her. I told her that the phone works both ways. If she wanted to talk to me so bad, why didn't she call me? She said she was testing me. TESTING ME? Why would I want to bother with her 'testing' our friendship? We have been friends since the fourth grade and she chooses now to see if we are meant to be friends?

 

So when she came back for the summer, I thought maybe things would be headed back to normal. Maybe she would calm down and open up. I asked her how she was, what classes she wanted to take, how her boyfriend was/is, did she decide to room with a friend. You know what I got? One word answers.

 

So, July rolls around and it is Katie's birthday. That day, I have to go to work, finish the laundry I started the night before, go shopping so I could make dinner for me, my father, and my little sister (I offered since my mother was out), and before I knew it the day was over. Things went like that for a while and I got caught up in life...went on vacation with my family, then with my older sister and our friend Anna.

 

I had found the perfect gift (I don't know what I am going to do with the other one I had) and I got it all wrapped and whatnot. I have been trying to get in touch with her but half the time she doesn't return my calls and when she does it sounds like she would rather be doing anything other than talking to me.

 

I am begining to wonder if it is worth the stress. I would hate to lose her as a friend but the more I try to bring things back, the more she pushes me away. I am going to see her today so I can give her her present and hang for a little bit. I guess I'll see how it goes.

 

Any comments would be awesome. Is it worth it?

[lunarbabe]

I understand your plight all to well!! I had almost the same exact experience when I went away to school.

 

The bottom line is that life happens. Your friend has to realize this. Since she isn't in the picture most of the time, she probably feels alone and neglected especially since you guys probably spent all your time together before your seperation.

 

One thing I've learned is that relationships are never 50/50. There is always someone who tries, works or whatever a little more the the other person. Its all up to you to decide if it's worth it to give your friend what she wants. It seems like she wants it to be a 75/25 with you working at it much harder then she does.

 

She is probably not having as much fun and she probably hasn't made many friends as you have in the past year and she's gealous of that.

 

Just let her know that life is going to happen to both of you. You really treasure her as a friend and hate the way your relationship is right now. Let her know that when it gets bad and she really needs someone you will always be there for her as you expect her to be there for you. Let her know that life keeps going for both of you whether you are together or apart and even though you don't talk everyday, because life just keeps happening, it doesn't mean that you don't still love her and you don't want to be her friend.

[Jyl_Unit]

I did get to see her yesterday. Turns out the present was too perfect for her. She had already gotten it. I should have seen that coming. So what does she say to me? "You would have known that if you had come to my birthday." I'm sorry I was busy.

 

After that though things seemed to lighten up. She leaves for school on Friday and we are going to try to catch a movie tonight.

 

Thanks for the advice. I hope she will listen to me this time.

[sburtug03]

Hi Hun, Your friendship troubles sound very much like mine and my best mate's. We were friends all our lives then I went away to University and she stayed in our local town to work. Our lives became very separate and with the arrival of serious boyfriends our main focus of our emotions, fears, etc., were shared with our partners not as they once were with each other. We had always done everything together and 'lived out of each others pockets' but suddenly this was not the case. Eventually we had a big falling out and for almost half a year neither of us spoke to each other. During this period I realised that although I loved my friend, I had changed completely since we were friends at school and I no longer wanted to be that person whom my friend once new.

 

With a lot of effort on both our parts we made up, but that period where we had been separate had changed our friendship. I will always love my friend and remember the times we shared together but I realise now that I am a changed person and we will never have the relationship back that we once had.

 

This period should have made you realise whether you value the relationship you and your friend share. As cruel as this sounds I do not value mine as I once did but I still keep in contact with her and occassionally we meet up. If the relationship is worth saving write her a letter much like the message you have written on here. Tell her your side of the story and ensure you voice your side of the situation and how much you care for her. If after reading what you have to say she is still unhappy its time to say goodbye. Don't be a doormat. I hope this is helpful, even as far across the water as I am! Good luck, Samantha x