falling in love when youre not attracted

[ZayKayWill]

I remember watching a Tedtalk not too long ago on this subject. Basically, when it comes to mate selection, guys look at physical appearance first and girls, monetary status (how much money a guy has). The good news is, however, that this is simply the criteria that they use to weed out potential mates. Meaning, it's not the money or the looks that is gonna KEEP the relationship together. It's simply just the criteria that people use to INITIALLY weed someone out. And honestly there's nothing wrong with this. There's really no such thing as objective attractiveness. Attraction is different for EVERYONE. What I think is beautiful not everyone will agree on and there are people who have thought that a woman was beautiful and I just couldn't see how.

 

Ultimately, these superficial things aren't going to keep a relationship together. Physical attractiveness isn't everything. I know plenty of guys that have turned down attractive women simply because their personalities weren't in sync with their attractive looks (they look pretty but their personality isn't pretty).

[Chilli]

l couldn't care less if it's shallow on my part, it's not , but l couldn't care less if it was.

Every women on here goes on about his looks and attraction so LS is obviously filled with women that are all 10s themselves, yaknow. yeah right.

 

But yeah , it's a look thing for me for sure, but l see a lot more in a girls looks than just her looks, l see her person , maybe even her soul, her nature, her personality, everything , usually all of that will show in her looks and mannerisms. so looks to me isn't only about looks it's much much more .

So if l liked what l see about her, l'd do something.

She could be a 15, but if l don't see what l like in her though , then l'd keep on walking.

[Gaeta]

An interesting phenomenon we see often on here concerning the importance of attraction:

 

* How many times we had male posters being badly treated by their girlfriend and accepting the bad treatment because the said-girl was hot. That's what the power of attraction does to men.

 

* We rarely have come across a female poster that accepted to be badly treated by her bf because he was hot. She would live through the mistreatment because she loved his positive qualities when he's not drunk or abusive but it's practically never about him being hot.

[GoodOnPaper]

I’m not surprised - it just reflects the different pressure points men and women have. With men, it’s the initial attraction stage while with women it’s converting casual dating to a committed relationship.

[CptInsano]

I’m not surprised - it just reflects the different pressure points men and women have. With men, it’s the initial attraction stage while with women it’s converting casual dating to a committed relationship.

 

It may also be the difference in how men and women express their emotions or not. Men talk less about their emotions, and expressing their attraction as sexual allows them to do that.

[taiko]

You can be attracted to something besides the physical appearance and then over look that bad trait of less physical beauty. Just as you can be physically attracted and ignore or suppress the bad social skills . Certainly on the male side being willing to do things to his penis can overcome all sorts of physical and social detriments

[CptInsano]

People don't fall in love with looks. Most people would be alone if that was the case... but there's something about them that sparks attraction in the person they're with... personality is the most attractive thing there is in my opinion.

 

I very much agree with this statement. I've met women I found rather odd-looking, only to be very sexually attracted to them. Others I felt and emotional or intellectual attraction to, and the rest followed later.

 

But back to Cookie's original post. I don't think it is something you can force. You can maybe ease into, seeing if slight variations from you ideal candidate still work.

[WaitingForBardot]

So Gaeta and Bob, we are animals and romantic love is all about propagation of the species, but we also have the ability to reason. We have the ability to see through this for what it is. It's shallow...

 

It's interesting to me that love of the romantic variety is touted to be this ineffable, majestic thing one minute, and the next is just a thing humans do so they don't die out.

I have never been even interested, let alone fallen in love, with a woman I didn't find attractive.

 

And I don't get how attraction to looks is any more or less shallow than attraction to intelligence, or physical prowess, or anything else for that matter, including wealth. We are attracted to those we are attracted to, that's just reality. Attempting to force attraction where none exists is an exercise in futility. And characterizing our basic attractions as shallow, whatever that might actually mean, does not make them so.

[anika99]

I think physical attraction is a very complex and varied thing. I also think it's an absolute must have for a romantic relationship to work. However there are all sorts of variables and factors involved when it comes to physical chemistry.

 

First of all there is everyone's various tastes and preferences. One person might like tall and lean while another person might like short and curvy. Nobody is everybody's cup of tea. Physical attraction can also occur due to other factors, like the way a person smiles, or other expressions that are specific to just that person. Might be the way they walk or carry themselves, how they handle a certain situation, or how confident they are. All kinds of different things can cause a strong physical attraction to occur.

 

Physical chemistry is not limited to only looks. So all that being said I do think it's a great idea to get to know many people and not limit yourself to only dating people who are classically good looking. You might be surprised at just how attractive average looking people can be. However there absolutely has to be some attraction in order to pursue a relationship. If you have a few dates with a person and still feel zero physical attraction then you both need to move on. Forcing yourself to have a full on relationship with someone you're not the least bit attracted to is pointless and a rather cruel game to play on the other person. Nobody wants to be with someone who finds them completely undesirable.

[normal person]

I understand you need to to be attracted enough to not be repulsed by physical intimacy, but if you really love someone, it shouldn't be possible to be repulsed.

 

You're putting the cart before the horse. Would you ever be in a situation where you loved someone you found repulsive to begin with?

 

The attraction is the variable that opens the door for all the love and intimacy. It's what sets apart the men you date and the men you have as platonic friends. Try dating your male friends, or a guy who you find physically repulsive but otherwise appealing and see how you feel. My guess is that you'll realize the physical attraction is a necessary component to a relationship with physical aspects.

 

 

How virtuous can a relationship be that is contingent on a person's looks. Or how smart they are. Or how much money they make. they are etc. I guess Rand was right, but I don't think that sounds very nice to the point I almost don't want to be part of it.

 

No one said it was virtuous or nice, or even that it had to be. People have biological urges and attractions that can't be subverted with logic or modern day morality. Men want fertile, healthy, beautiful women and women want men who can protect and provide. It's not something people just "decided" to desire, it's because we have a primal instinct to survive and reproduce, and we want the best candidate to help with that.

 

Yeah, we live in a soft society where we're constantly told to "be nice," but it's unspoken that that's mostly a facade. Everyone's in it for themselves. If our internal drive was to be nice, we'd all be partnering up with the most unappealing, dumbest, unhealthiest, most downtrodden people we can find, our societies wouldn't produce any decent offspring, and the species would eventually go extinct. In reality, the adage probably is "be nice if it's objectively beneficial for you, otherwise, be selfish."

 

If you're just looking to date people on the paradigm of morality, I think you're going to have a very, very hard time.

[Cookiesandough]

Thanks, everyone. I have considered thoroughly what you all say and have come to the conclusion that while most may be true, the fact remains that romantic love is shallow and fleeting, based on sensuality. The highest, deepest form of love is friendship. Love = caring. Romantic love = caring + sexual attraction. That's all there is to it. Nothing noble or grand to see here. As Nietzsche put it, "The things people call [romantic ]love may be the most ingenuous expression of egoism."

[carhill]

IMO, the romance part is the impetus and it combines, over time, with the developing friendship and intimacy to become the glue which bonds those who might not otherwise even meet or ever be bonded. Without both, it is a transaction, a math problem, an accounting exercise.

 

The issue comes in when one party or another, as my exW used to put it, 'masks' or 'thinks' part of the deal rather than feeling it elementally, balls to bones, at the core of their psyche. If it's superficial and/or calculated, it'll work as long as both parties can work it, then priorities and thought processes change and poof over done.

 

The best glue I've seen in those instances of 'thinking' a relationship or marriage is lifestyle glue. The couple becomes inured to their lifestyle, social circle, community, the matrix of humanity and routine they've thought themselves into and then it becomes, and remains, their reality, even if one or both desire change or desire out or prioritizes feelings over thoughts. The benefits of the construct outweigh the desire to depart it.

 

As one member used to opine about recovering from affairs, if the marital foundation isn't there, usually the marriage is doomed. Honest and transparent attraction is part of that foundation IMO.

 

Of course, people define such terms as 'falling in love' and 'attraction' for themselves, as they do the milieu of the relationship which includes those terms. Each of us bonds to other humans in our own unique way. If people's bonding styles miss, the bond is usually short-lived, as in mine and my exW's case. No amount of 'thinking' can generally change that, save for purely business relationships which respect no romantic component and exist purely for practical reasons as was often the case historically where survival was important and love and all its machinations were secondary or tertiary. We have the luxury of being able to explore all this cool sexual and romantic stuff now and couple and marry ostensibly for love and attraction.

 

I'm definitely no Nietzsche but I can opine that I thought I understood relationships pretty well, after many decades on the planet.... and then I got married.

[thefooloftheyear]

The thing is, that a pairing will probably survive more readily when there is true primal type of physical attraction, than just about anything else..I mean sure, you will need the other basic elements, but with so many people getting married or entering relationships for other reasons (financial, expiration of biological clock/baby fever, stability, niceness, whatever), those things can easily be dismissed over time or if circumstances change...

 

Additionally, how many times do you see one or the other in a pairing complaining about the other(or both) abandoning the sex/intimacy in their marriages/ r's...I believe this condition would be FAR less common when there is strong physical attraction...

 

Also. all the talk about " a true friend" is great, and it comes with the package, but if you think about the vast number of people(man or woman) that really have no opposite sex "friends" yet have had or are engaged in successful relationships, should say something on that point...

 

Call it shallow if you want, but its not something anyone should take lightly when deciding on a partner..

 

TFY

Edited October 28, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I haven't read all of the replies here, but my basic response is to not feel guilty for requiring physical attraction to be part of any romantic relationship, long term or short term. Otherwise it's just a friendship. Friendships are totally awesome, but physical attraction is necessary for the deeper connection of a romantic relationship. I don't think it really has to be more complicated than that. It doesn't make one shallow. It is just a component that takes a relationship from platonic to romantic, that's all.

[Fishforbreakfast]

Last guy I dated I didn't find him attractive or repulsive but the more I got to knew him the hotter he became till I was like wow! His looks grew on me big time because of his fun personality where as if he was boring I would have been less attracted I think personally plays a way bigger part then looks

[chinadiary]

Once you're in love, you'll be attracted. You're over complicating things.

 

Love has nothing to do with what someone looks like. It will hit you like a truck and bam, your ugly little short guy will be the hottest person on the planet.

 

Go for a man you like. Someone that makes you laugh. That you can have great conversations with. That you share interests with. Then love will come.

 

Those hot guys will 99% of the time be dumb asses. They won't offer depth of relationships.

 

The reason we have so much divorce in the west is because we're obsessed with superficial values. I've just spent 3 years in China and they do things differently. They check for compatibility BEFORE dating.

 

Also, try not to sleep with a guy before you know if you like his personality. Sex for a woman creates the love hormone. We literally get suckered in by our hormones.

 

I've learned all this too late. I wish I'd known this stuff in my 20s.

Edited October 29, 2017 by chinadiary

[CptInsano]

Last guy I dated I didn't find him attractive or repulsive but the more I got to knew him the hotter he became till I was like wow! His looks grew on me big time because of his fun personality where as if he was boring I would have been less attracted I think personally plays a way bigger part then looks

 

Attraction is indeed complex, often fickle and changes easily, unfortunately in both directions. I see it as a form of kindle, something to keep you going until a bond is formed, and the other person just fits into your life like that well-worn sneaker fits your foot.

[momo89]

What iv'e found OP is that sometimes, we can fall for people who are not our physical ideal when we get to know them as a person and we find out how cool they are. That doesn't mean that they're ugly, it just means that they're not the type we are usually looking for.

 

For instance, let's just say your ideal guy is a man who's 5 ft 10 or taller and you meet a guy who's just 5 ft 6. Now you may not have that initial attraction towards him but you two start talking and get to know him a little bit and it turns out you two have some things in common. And that's when you start to realize "Hey, I would have never noticed this guy beforehand but now that iv'e gotten to know him, iv'e realized that he's actually kind of cute"

 

Now don't get me wrong, there's some people you will never be physically attracted to. But sometimes, we can fall for people who may not be our physical ideal if we get to know and that's when we start to realize that we are actually physically attracted to them.

 

So true!! Before I use to tell my friends that I would never ever want to date a guy who's shorter than me. And I was really picky about that. I'm 5'8. However, not so long ago I became really attracted to a guy who was 5'7. For me, I know I can't settle down with someone if I don't find the slightest physical attraction. I was also on a date with another guy couple of months ago where we had the same interests and I loved that. But...I just couldn't feel any attraction..physically! I went on 2nd date just to give it another shot but there was nothing! There was no physical attraction to begin with. To some it might sound shallow but I would rather stay single than being with someone I don't feel attracted to.

[bluefeather]

Thanks, everyone. I have considered thoroughly what you all say and have come to the conclusion that while most may be true, the fact remains that romantic love is shallow and fleeting, based on sensuality. The highest, deepest form of love is friendship. Love = caring. Romantic love = caring + sexual attraction. That's all there is to it. Nothing noble or grand to see here. As Nietzsche put it, "The things people call [romantic ]love may be the most ingenuous expression of egoism."

 

I'm calling bs on you again. "The fact remains?" That's your opinion, not a fact. You're overanalyzing and what sucks is that despite that, your analysis is still wrong.

[Cookiesandough]

I'm calling bs on you again. "The fact remains?" That's your opinion, not a fact. You're overanalyzing and what sucks is that despite that, your analysis is still wrong.

 

Maybe so but if you see in the thread, that's the consensus. Almost everyone has agreed romantic love is rooted in our primal desire to reproduce. That primal desire is played out in society's concept of the correct forms of physical engagement.

 

 

And anything beyond the force of sex appears to be a form of narcissism. Not saying it's all bad or anything. But I think it's pretty obvious why it's the source of so much suffering

[MuddyFootprints]

Maintaining the balance between love ( Not wanting to smother him with a pillow) and romantic love (wanting to **** him whether he cut his toenails this week or not) = true love?

Edited October 30, 2017 by MuddyFootprints

[Southwardbound]

But wouldn't it be hypocritical of me to put emphasis on sexual attraction when it bothers me so much the other way around? I won't purposefully go for men I'm not attracted to, but I will challenge my beliefs that attraction needs to be there for me to fall in love. Maybe we can fall in love with anybody. As long as they have a good heart and love us back. What are your thoughts?

 

Men can be sexually alluring [by displaying; confidence, vulnerability, openness, etc- even smell plays a role] , yet not physically attractive in their outward appearance. It all depends upon how their body language comes across - 90% of communication is nonverbal orientated, most of that is what your unconscious brain picks up on.

 

And yes, I do believe you can 'fall in love with anybody', providing they are a good fit for you.

[NuevoYorko]

I won't purposefully go for men I'm not attracted to, but I will challenge my beliefs that attraction needs to be there for me to fall in love.

But ... but ... but you just said that you are only interested in casual sex. Not falling in love.

 

I predict that when the time comes that you are ready for real love, you will have relaxed your parameters regarding the physical appearance requirements.

 

That said - of course people have to be attracted to one another to get together, otherwise we'd all just be paired up with the first person who happened to be next to us.

 

I don't know about you, but I do not feel physically attracted to every woman I see who is objectively beautiful. I can recognize and appreciate a truly beautiful human without wanting them. Whatever sparks actual attraction is more elusive than that for most of us.

[Cookiesandough]

i never said i was only looking for casual sex !!!! I said i was open to the possibilities, but im not sure what im looking for. It doesn't matter how you spin it, If you base it on superficial qualities, it's superficial.

Edited October 30, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Itta]

Well I wasn't physically attracted to my boyfriend when we met, our personalities "clicked" well so I was always looking at him like a friend not my potential partner, he was overweight that time, it was huge turn off for me. But his persistence and the way he treated me made me fall in love with him, I rejected him a lot of times, he didn't give up pursuing me, he found ways how to get closer to me when I needed help, he was always there to help me. He always acted like a man, knew how to take rejections well. He showed me that he is that man who is worth getting into my life. He is loving and caring, putting so much effort to make me happy, to make me feel loved.