Newly married and unhappy

[emmab219]

I've been with my husband since I was twenty-two years old, but we've only been married for about two years now. I'm twenty-eight, and he's thirty-six but the age difference has never been much of an issue. I sought this site out because I'm lonely and unhappy and was hoping to either get advice or connect with other people who have experienced similar problems.

 

My husband is a good man-- kind, funny, hardworking. But since we got married, things have slowly started to deteriorate. A part of me wanders if these things were happening all the time and I was oblivious because of my feelings, or if it really is just recent. I think the most important thing that everyone should know is that he's a functioning alcoholic. He knows this, I know this. He drank a lot when we first started dating, but it's definitely gotten worse over time. He'll drink a six pack and a few vodka drinks a night. We've talked about it dozens of times, and he swears he can stop at any time but I know he can't. He'll go about two days, have a six pack, go two more days and then the cycle starts all over again. It makes me weary about starting a family, and to be honest, it makes me bitter. In addition to this, he's gotten big into gaming which pushes me to the wayside.

 

He's up all night playing video games and drinking so I always go to bed alone and wake up alone. Over the past year, this has really started to bother me. I think going to bed at the same time is really important. I get that it can't be that way every night, especially if schedules are different, but I'm alone every night. I miss that companionship and warmth you get from someone sleeping next to you. He's gained a lot of weight from the drinking, but has yet to do anything about it. This sounds horrible, but it makes me less attracted to him. He was always stocky, but this is the heaviest he's ever been. He just doesn't take good care of himself at all anymore, often wearing the same clothes all weekend, etc. Our sex life has really suffered. We've also talked about this. I'm young, my sex drive is pretty high. I'd say we'd had sex maybe eight times this year. And it's not good anymore. It's like he's just doing it to get it over with and I'm not turned on or aroused or anything. I just want it to be over. Maybe because of the attraction issues, or maybe because I'm bitter that it feels like he's making himself do it because it's what we're "supposed" to do.

 

He pays the bills and takes out the trash, will mow the lawn or shovel the driveway. I do everything else. I can count on one hand the number of times he's scrubbed the toiled over the last six years. He'll do dishes, but not MY dishes. So if there's a bowl in there from my breakfast that morning that I didn't have time to wash, he won't touch it. He says it's not fair that he has to wash my dishes in addition to his. Which I don't get? We're married, we should be a team. Or I'll cook dinner while he plays video games, and instead of helping clean up or offering, he'll go right back to gaming when we're done. I feel like I have a roommate, or maybe a teenage boy living with me.

 

It also doesn't help that I've become more and more introverted as I've gotten older. I also have very bad social anxiety. He's very extroverted and we fight about this a lot. He wanted to go out, I don't. We compromise but he still makes me feel bad about it. Like doesn't understand anxiety isn't something I can just turn on and off when I feel like it. That I need to "get over it".

 

I know that romance and passion fades after a while, but he doesn't even try anymore. I just feel like suddenly, we both are after different things from this relationship. I had a friend tell me that maybe the issue is that I was a younger, different person when we met and I've changed over the course of our relationship, while he has stayed the same since he was already thirty when we met.

 

I don't know what exactly I'm looking for by posting here...I just needed to a place to vent and speak my mind.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I've been with my husband since I was twenty-two years old, but we've only been married for about two years now. I'm twenty-eight, and he's thirty-six but the age difference has never been much of an issue. I sought this site out because I'm lonely and unhappy and was hoping to either get advice or connect with other people who have experienced similar problems.

 

My husband is a good man-- kind, funny, hardworking. But since we got married, things have slowly started to deteriorate. A part of me wanders if these things were happening all the time and I was oblivious because of my feelings, or if it really is just recent. I think the most important thing that everyone should know is that he's a functioning alcoholic. He knows this, I know this. He drank a lot when we first started dating, but it's definitely gotten worse over time. He'll drink a six pack and a few vodka drinks a night. We've talked about it dozens of times, and he swears he can stop at any time but I know he can't. He'll go about two days, have a six pack, go two more days and then the cycle starts all over again. It makes me weary about starting a family, and to be honest, it makes me bitter. In addition to this, he's gotten big into gaming which pushes me to the wayside.

 

He's up all night playing video games and drinking so I always go to bed alone and wake up alone. Over the past year, this has really started to bother me. I think going to bed at the same time is really important. I get that it can't be that way every night, especially if schedules are different, but I'm alone every night. I miss that companionship and warmth you get from someone sleeping next to you. He's gained a lot of weight from the drinking, but has yet to do anything about it. This sounds horrible, but it makes me less attracted to him. He was always stocky, but this is the heaviest he's ever been. He just doesn't take good care of himself at all anymore, often wearing the same clothes all weekend, etc. Our sex life has really suffered. We've also talked about this. I'm young, my sex drive is pretty high. I'd say we'd had sex maybe eight times this year. And it's not good anymore. It's like he's just doing it to get it over with and I'm not turned on or aroused or anything. I just want it to be over. Maybe because of the attraction issues, or maybe because I'm bitter that it feels like he's making himself do it because it's what we're "supposed" to do.

 

He pays the bills and takes out the trash, will mow the lawn or shovel the driveway. I do everything else. I can count on one hand the number of times he's scrubbed the toiled over the last six years. He'll do dishes, but not MY dishes. So if there's a bowl in there from my breakfast that morning that I didn't have time to wash, he won't touch it. He says it's not fair that he has to wash my dishes in addition to his. Which I don't get? We're married, we should be a team. Or I'll cook dinner while he plays video games, and instead of helping clean up or offering, he'll go right back to gaming when we're done. I feel like I have a roommate, or maybe a teenage boy living with me.

 

It also doesn't help that I've become more and more introverted as I've gotten older. I also have very bad social anxiety. He's very extroverted and we fight about this a lot. He wanted to go out, I don't. We compromise but he still makes me feel bad about it. Like doesn't understand anxiety isn't something I can just turn on and off when I feel like it. That I need to "get over it".

 

I know that romance and passion fades after a while, but he doesn't even try anymore. I just feel like suddenly, we both are after different things from this relationship. I had a friend tell me that maybe the issue is that I was a younger, different person when we met and I've changed over the course of our relationship, while he has stayed the same since he was already thirty when we met.

 

I don't know what exactly I'm looking for by posting here...I just needed to a place to vent and speak my mind.

 

These are all huge issues . None of this will change unless HE wants to change. Does he?

[alphamale]

you need to file for divorce pronto, it will only get worse. trust me, been there done that.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Oh, boy.

 

1. Alcoholic

2. Gamer

3. Not interested in sex

4. Willfully spiteful (only washes HIS dishes)

5. Says he can stop to appease you and then returns to usual MO

 

I think he let it all go and revealed his true intentions after the wedding. Now that you two are married, he got his roommate and decided it was no longer worthwhile to remain fit, attentive, etc. I also wonder if something happened relatively recently. Is he depressed? Did something significant happen within the last 1-2 years?

 

EDIT:

"He just doesn't take good care of himself at all anymore, often wearing the same clothes all weekend, etc."

 

Another sign of a depressed individual.

Edited October 27, 2017 by simpleNfit

[BaileyB]

Your story made me so sad, because I could feel your lonliness and isolation in what you wrote. I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

 

Unfortunately, I don't have anything really positive to say. The fact that he is a functioning alcoholic would be enough for me to leave. He is not a very good partner right now and your needs are not being met in this relationship. To me, it's not a function of the fact that you have changed and he has not. His behavior speaks to a very immature, possibly depressed, and addictive personality. It's hard to have a healthy relationship with someone who has these kinds of problems.

 

I don't think you are wrong in what you are asking for from a husband... a partner, someone to share the responsibilities of life, some love and affection. The thing is, he's not going to change if he doesn't think there is a problem. Which means, you need to decide if this is enough for you? I don't know if you were hoping to have children... But, would you want to bring children into this home?

 

I'm sorry. I think you need to give him a wake up call. Either, he gets his life together and reinvests in the marriage, or you are walking out the door. Best wishes to you.

Edited October 27, 2017 by BaileyB

[Gr8fuln2020]

emmab219,

 

At this point, you are a good few YEARS away from considering having children with him. Even if he decides to acknowledge that he has a problem and commits to change, this is something that will take many months before you will see consistency in any positive change. Having children before he has fully changed, healed is a recipe for further heart-break not to mention how unfair it would be to bring a child into such an environment/ relationship.

 

I too feel for you. My relationship started to fall apart within the first 2-3 months of my marriage. I had long decided what I would and would not tolerate and made my decision to end it then and there. I don't know what your tolerance is, but this relationship is in dire straits to say the least.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Your story made me so sad, because I could feel your lonliness and isolation in what you wrote. I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

 

 

It made me really sad, too .

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

emmab219,

 

At this point, you are a good few YEARS away from considering having children with him. Even if he decides to acknowledge that he has a problem and commits to change, this is something that will take many months before you will see consistency in any positive change. Having children before he has fully changed, healed is a recipe for further heart-break not to mention how unfair it would be to bring a child into such an environment/ relationship.

I too feel for you. My relationship started to fall apart within the first 2-3 months of my marriage. I had long decided what I would and would not tolerate and made my decision to end it then and there. I don't know what your tolerance is, but this relationship is in dire straits to say the least.

 

And how little help she'll get with a baby .

[alphamale]

It made me really sad, too .

yea, me too.

[darkmoon]

leave while you still have your looks, the right guy might yet get you, or try a therapist for the anxiety, but once your looks go, it won't matter if you're shy or not, you can get the love of friends at any age, ok, but romance tends to be easier to attract if you're cute

Edited October 28, 2017 by darkmoon

[Steve51]

You have learned what so many learned too late. What you see is what you get. So many women think that men will change or get better after they are married. Nope. You got exactly what you married and now you regret it.

 

Romantic love allows us to overlook each other's faults. Once that ends after a few year we see each other in a different light where the faults are glaring. That is where you are now. My wife's best friend married a man just like your husband. Went to work every day and only drank beer. After marriage he got worse since he went to work with his alcoholic dad. One night she came home early and her husband and their baby were nowhere to be found. She had a hunch and sure enough her husband was in a bar drunk with the baby laying on the floor. She divorced him right after that. He always said that drinking beer all day was not being an alcoholic. After his divorce he hooked up with a girl recently out of prison who was committing Welfare fraud.

 

I had an alcoholic friend who married an alcoholic woman. She had lost all of her teeth due to her drinking and was always trying to have sex with me. She died after a few years. My wife's parents were alcoholics and she had a lousy life because of that. At the age of 65 she still shows fear when she does something wrong or things I do not like what she cooked. Her dad did a number on her. I knew that alcoholics can get sober but my experience is that they usually have a few relapses and put you through hell again.

 

Be smart and I think you know what to do.

[kazen]

Honestly, you are still very young, so you can afford to start over. It's also good that you don't have kids, so a divorce will not be as big of a deal. Considering the scope of problems in your marriage, I do think a divorce is the best option. Good luck.

[1966Seahorse]

If I were you ... I would be planning my exit from this marriage.

 

All the best.

[d0nnivain]

I think your 1st step here is to start attending Al-Anon meetings. This is a group for people in love with alcoholics.

 

They will help you find strength & direction for yourself. What direction you take -- stay or leave -- is entirely up to you. But they will also help you understand that you can't change him.

[anika99]

I think your 1st step here is to start attending Al-Anon meetings. This is a group for people in love with alcoholics.

 

They will help you find strength & direction for yourself. What direction you take -- stay or leave -- is entirely up to you. But they will also help you understand that you can't change him.

 

Agreed. Al-Anon helped me tremendously many years ago when I was involved with an alcoholic. It really helped me to sort out what problems belonged to me and which problems belonged to him. When I stopped trying to own and fix his problems it freed me up to start dealing with my own problems. It's a great place to start and if you can't get to a meeting then I think they have meetings and info online these days.

 

It's really not a good idea to have children with an alcoholic. Not only will it be extremely hard on you because you will be the one who shoulders all of the responsibility, it will be hard on the kids and they will develop a variety of issues. It takes a lot of dedication, hard work and self sacrafice to be a good parent. Your husband feels put upon if he has to wash a dish that he didn't use. Honestly I don't know how you didn't just lose your sh&t over that nonsense. I don't lose my temper very often but something like that would definitely push me over the line. In any case if he's so selfish and immature that he can't even wash all of the dishes then he obviously can't be a parent.

[alsudduth]

Aside from the alcoholic part, it sounds like you married my husband! It will get better but only if he wants to change or truly believes he will lose you over this. One thing I learned in 21 years with my H is that you HAVE to communicate. It took us about 18 or 19 years to figure that out, but I swear it works to promote change. And if you give an ultimatum, think it through carefully...because if it comes down to it and you can't follow through on any ultimatum you may give, he will believe you aren't serious and won't bother to change.

 

For me it took my husband hearing that I was about to hit submit on filing for divorce to really change.

[SoleMate]

Alcoholic is bad enough, but he's also selfish, petty and mean and provides you with no affection.

[emmab219]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. You all voiced things I myself have been thinking about, but hearing it from other people makes me realize my feelings are valid. I already know I don't want to bring a baby into this.

 

I looked into an Al-Anon meeting in my area and think I will be attending my first one next week. I think there is a part of me that is ready to leave. It's hard, though, because I do still care about him, I don't want to hurt him, and I don't. There's this part of my brain still telling me that I'm overreacting and this isn't enough to leave...I don't know any different, I don't know what normal, healthy relationships look like if this isn't one. We have joint bank accounts, share payments on a car in both our names, rent a house, etc. And because we've been together since my early twenties, pretty much nothing in the house belongs to me. It's all his, or things we've bought together. So I would be starting from scratch, really. Which is fine, but I don't even know where to start.

 

I don't know what the first step is. Having a conversation with him about all of this? Telling him I want to leave? Do I need a lawyer?

[emmab219]

Someone mentioned the possibility of him being depressed also. I hadn't thought about that...but when I've asked why he drinks so much he says that it's boring not to. Being sober is no fun apparently. I know he used to be pretty wild when he was younger so maybe the whole adult, settling down thing is a bummer to him. I don't even know anymore.

[BaileyB]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. You all voiced things I myself have been thinking about, but hearing it from other people makes me realize my feelings are valid. I already know I don't want to bring a baby into this.

 

I looked into an Al-Anon meeting in my area and think I will be attending my first one next week. I think there is a part of me that is ready to leave. It's hard, though, because I do still care about him, I don't want to hurt him, and I don't. There's this part of my brain still telling me that I'm overreacting and this isn't enough to leave...I don't know any different, I don't know what normal, healthy relationships look like if this isn't one. We have joint bank accounts, share payments on a car in both our names, rent a house, etc. And because we've been together since my early twenties, pretty much nothing in the house belongs to me. It's all his, or things we've bought together. So I would be starting from scratch, really. Which is fine, but I don't even know where to start.

 

I don't know what the first step is. Having a conversation with him about all of this? Telling him I want to leave? Do I need a lawyer?

 

No, this doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship. How can you have a healthy relationship when he is an unhealthy partner?

 

Of course, your feelings are valid. You are a very smart and intuitive woman. Trust your gut! Going to the Al-Anon meeting will be very insightful for you.

 

If you are considering leaving the marriage, talk to a lawyer before you do anything. You would not be starting from scratch. Half of what you share with this man should belong to you. Educate yourself. DON'T trust your husband to be kind or fair if you divorce. After all, this is a man who won't even wash your dirty dish. It's up to you to take care of your best interests.

[BaileyB]

I've asked why he drinks so much he says that it's boring not to. Being sober is no fun apparently. Maybe the whole adult, settling down thing is a bummer to him.

 

That is a selfish and immature response. It is the dismissive attitude of an alcoholic. Being sober is no fun - I'm willing to bet good money that having a husband who is drinking all the time, ignoring his responsibilities, and uninterested in spending time with his wife or showing any affection isn't very much fun for you either...

 

These are his issues, not yours... You will learn that when you go to the Al-Anon meeting. I wish you well.

[bummer]

Someone mentioned the possibility of him being depressed also... I know he used to be pretty wild when he was younger so maybe the whole adult, settling down thing is a bummer to him. I don't even know anymore.

 

Then ask. Be as candid as possible with as much humility as you can muster so he doesn't feel cornered. When the story opens up more you will see what to do.

[alphamale]

this is such a sad situation

[emmab219]

I've spent a long time being sad and lonely, but finally getting this off my chest and talking about really puts it into perspective for me. I'm tired of being unhappy. I'm just not sure how to walk away when this is six years of my life, and everything I have is wrapped up in this other person I still care for.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Someone mentioned the possibility of him being depressed also. I hadn't thought about that...but when I've asked why he drinks so much he says that it's boring not to. Being sober is no fun apparently. I know he used to be pretty wild when he was younger so maybe the whole adult, settling down thing is a bummer to him. I don't even know anymore.

 

Drinking alone and to self-medicate to alter one's reality is also a tell-tale sign of depression.