Newly married and unhappy

[darkmoon]

if you do leave, first talk to a lawyer about your rights, discreetly, business is the matter in hand, and secrecy is standard here, so do not tell your husband until you have your ducks in a row

 

you must be ready financially to move in on your own, so come back to tell us how you're doing xx

Edited October 28, 2017 by darkmoon

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I've spent a long time being sad and lonely, but finally getting this off my chest and talking about really puts it into perspective for me. I'm tired of being unhappy. I'm just not sure how to walk away when this is six years of my life, and everything I have is wrapped up in this other person I still care for.

 

Emma,

 

The first thing I would say, as a woman much older than you who has been through divorce, is to make sure you've done all you can to try to save your marriage, which in your case is to try to improve its health, mainly by getting your husband to change his ways. (I'm sure you're not perfect either, but in this case, it does sound like he's the biggest problem here). Marriage is serious and worth saving, and divorce just plain sucks.

 

With that said, if you really feel like you've given it the best effort and he still will not put in the necessary effort, you really do need to meet with an attorney. Most attorneys offer free consultations so you can get a good idea in just an hour how things are going to look for you, and once you have a plan, you'll feel much better about things. If you have no clue where to start looking for an attorney, ask a trusted divorced friend, post for advice on Freecyle or Craigslist, call the bar association. Your divorce will not be complicated so I don't think you're gonna need a shark.

 

Divorce isn't fun, at all. You have the lack of a mortgage and lack of children on your side, though....and by that I mean to make it less complicated. You still need to get the advice of an attorney. One you start putting one foot in front of the other, you will feel less overwhelmed and more empowered. I promise <3.

 

There are a lot of us here who have been through it and we can support you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Emma, Yours is a sad case considering that this should have been the Honeymoon phase of your marriage. I wanted to ask whether you are employed and if so, do you earn well enough to be able to support yourself on your own? If you do not work then my first priority would be to get a good job, or if not qualified for one, then to do the necessary spade work to get those qualifications. Having got yourself a good job the next thing you have to do is have a sit down with your husband and tell him that your relationship is going no where and if he does not do something about his drinking and his weight then you will think about what you can do to get yourself out of this unhealthy situation. The fact is that from all that you have written it is obvious that you two are not at all compatible and your trying to stick it out is only going to hurt you badly in the long run. As the stock market experts advise, do not hold on to a stock with which you are romantically involved when you know it is only going one way, DOWN. Cut your losses and run. May sound harsh but you have to face life on it's terms not on yours. Warm wishes.

[emmab219]

I actually just started a new job about three weeks ago. Pays well and has great benefits so I’ve been putting money aside with each paycheck into a personal savings account only I have access to.

 

I’ve told him before that his drinking makes me resentful and bitter but it never seems to change anything. Just last night we went to a Halloween Party where he drank an entire six pack, had to mixed drinks, and proceeded to drink another four beers when we got home and pass out on the couch beer in hand. This is a scene I’m tired of watching.

 

I think you’re right and that maybe we’re just not compatible anymore. I’m taking a weekend away to see my sister a few hours away and am hoping it will give me time to think and figure out what I really need to do now.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I actually just started a new job about three weeks ago. Pays well and has great benefits so I’ve been putting money aside with each paycheck into a personal savings account only I have access to.

 

I’ve told him before that his drinking makes me resentful and bitter but it never seems to change anything. Just last night we went to a Halloween Party where he drank an entire six pack, had to mixed drinks, and proceeded to drink another four beers when we got home and pass out on the couch beer in hand. This is a scene I’m tired of watching.

I think you’re right and that maybe we’re just not compatible anymore. I’m taking a weekend away to see my sister a few hours away and am hoping it will give me time to think and figure out what I really need to do now.

 

Emma, this is a scene most people would be tired of watching. He'll never be able to satisfy a woman in a relationship if this behavior continues. What does he do for a living? Is he operating in constant hangover mode?

 

I hope your weekend away gives you some clarity. Is your sister someone who provides good advice?

[Els]

It's hard to offer advice because it all depends on whether he was always this way and has just gotten worse, or whether this is genuinely a completely new development and a 180 degrees personality change. Did the two of you ever live together before you got married? If you did, what were his habits like then?

 

If he has always been this way, then a divorce is likely your best bet. It's extremely rare for people to be able to or even want to change lifelong habits at his age.

 

If this is a completely unexpected and new change, he needs to talk to a medical professional AND a mental health professional stat. Plenty of reasons that could cause this, most of them fixable. If he absolutely refuses to go, then perhaps let him know that you will leave if this carries on (and actually leave).

[emmab219]

He works full time as a heating and cooling technician. I've asked about hangovers and he says he just doesn't get them so it's never been an issue. One of his friends just recently confided in us that he was an alcoholic and his being reason for quitting was that he was tired of being hungover every single day. Well my husband doesn't have that problem.

 

On weekdays, he'll stay up usually between midnight and 2am before getting up for work at 7am. On weekend, though, he just stays up until 6am drinking, playing video games, and then sleeps until one or two in the afternoon. Or has to take a nap midway through the day. It's annoying, especially if we have plans or I want to get an early start on the day to clean or do errands together.

 

He has always been a big drinker for as long as I have known him, but it's definitely gotten worse. We lived together for maybe two years before getting married and I don't ever remember it being like this. We would go to bed together, he'd help out around the house, be attentive and available if I needed anything. Now, I feel like second string to the alcohol and gaming. I don't think he even realizes how isolated and lonely I feel. In his mind, everything is probably just fine.

 

It's just way worse-- it's made him lazy. Like I noticed he'll help out with house chores, but sort of just...give up halfway through? Like sure the house is clean but you left all the cleaning supplies lying out and didn't put anything you used away.

 

 

 

There is a positive side to him, though. I obviously fell in love with him and married him for the things about him that make him a good man. I used to feel very loved, supported, cared for. Now, not so much.

[Els]

 

On weekdays, he'll stay up usually between midnight and 2am before getting up for work at 7am. On weekend, though, he just stays up until 6am drinking, playing video games, and then sleeps until one or two in the afternoon. Or has to take a nap midway through the day. It's annoying, especially if we have plans or I want to get an early start on the day to clean or do errands together.

 

 

If you want to stay with him, I would strongly advise that you pick your battles, and this isn't the particular hill I'd want to die on. Assuming someone is able to hold a job, there isn't really any "right" time to sleep or wake - it's a personal preference. It's definitely reasonable for you to want to go to bed and wake up together, but does it absolutely have to be at your selected time? If he slept in on weekends but was attentive towards you after he did wake up, and spent all of his afternoon and evening with you, would it still bother you? Or alternatively, would you be open to compromising on a time that is halfway between each of your preferred times?

 

I WOULD focus on the excessive drinking and gaming though. Have you suggested professional help for that?

[BaileyB]

If you want to stay with him, I would strongly advise that you pick your battles, and this isn't the particular hill I'd want to die on. Assuming someone is able to hold a job, there isn't really any "right" time to sleep or wake - it's a personal preference.

 

Really? Because this would be a deal breaker for me. This is not one person going to bed at 10pm and the other staying up until midnight. This is staying up until 6am and spending the better part of the weekend either playing video games or sleeping, rather than spending time with your spouse. That would be very upsetting for me.

 

And, I would suggest... He may say that he doesn't feel hungover, but that does not mean that he is not hungover. For someone who drinks this much and has such unusual sleep patterns, I would suggest that he probably doesn't even remember what it is to feel any differently... ie. his "normal" may actually be exhausted and hungover. If/when he ever gets sober, he may be surprised to realize how much better he would feel.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Really? Because this would be a deal breaker for me. This is not one person going to bed at 10pm and the other staying up until midnight. This is staying up until 6am and spending the better part of the weekend either playing video games or sleeping, rather than spending time with your spouse. That would be very upsetting for me.

 

And, I would suggest... He may say that he doesn't feel hungover, but that does not mean that he is not hungover. For someone who drinks this much and has such unusual sleep patterns, I would suggest that he probably doesn't even remember what it is to feel any differently... ie. his "normal" may actually be exhausted and hungover. If/when he ever gets sober, he may be surprised to realize how much better he would feel.

 

Exactly what I thought. He probably is so used to feeling like **** he doesn't remember having energy even feels like.

[emmab219]

I go to bed much earlier than he does some nights because I have to be at work right around the time he's usually waking up. I certainly don't want to make him go to bed if he's not tired either. I guess I also don't really know how often people really do go to bed together at the same time. Rarely ever do we sleep in the same bed, and that's what's weird to me. And I've brought that up before. When I do, he'll at least make an effort to crawl into bed with me in the middle of the night. So that'll go on for a few days, before it's back to him sleeping out on the couch.

 

I think what bothers me about his sleeping schedule is that it revolves around the drinking and video games. It's just not a healthy lifestyle and it makes me worried. I've talked to him about both. The video games he claims are not an addiction for him. Like honestly thinks it's ridiculous whenever I bring it up. The drinking he does admit to being a problem. We've had that conversation multiple times and when his friend told his about his own alcoholism and attending AA, my husband reconsidered going. I thought that was maybe going to be the start of a breakthrough but nothing ever came of it. He doesn't want to go to AA because I think it involved religious undertones and a lot of turning to "God" and neither of us are religious. But also it would require him to quit drinking altogether which he doesn't want to do. He still wants to drink on the weekends-- but he can't even stop drinking for a full five day work week. He tries, but he just can't do it.

 

I guess I just really struggle with if I'm overreacting or not to all of this.

[BaileyB]

I go to bed much earlier than he does some nights because I have to be at work right around the time he's usually waking up. I certainly don't want to make him go to bed if he's not tired either. I guess I also don't really know how often people really do go to bed together at the same time. Rarely ever do we sleep in the same bed, and that's what's weird to me. And I've brought that up before. When I do, he'll at least make an effort to crawl into bed with me in the middle of the night. So that'll go on for a few days, before it's back to him sleeping out on the couch.

 

I think what bothers me about his sleeping schedule is that it revolves around the drinking and video games. It's just not a healthy lifestyle and it makes me worried. I've talked to him about both. The video games he claims are not an addiction for him. Like honestly thinks it's ridiculous whenever I bring it up. The drinking he does admit to being a problem. We've had that conversation multiple times and when his friend told his about his own alcoholism and attending AA, my husband reconsidered going. I thought that was maybe going to be the start of a breakthrough but nothing ever came of it. He doesn't want to go to AA because I think it involved religious undertones and a lot of turning to "God" and neither of us are religious. But also it would require him to quit drinking altogether which he doesn't want to do. He still wants to drink on the weekends-- but he can't even stop drinking for a full five day work week. He tries, but he just can't do it.

 

I guess I just really struggle with if I'm overreacting or not to all of this.

 

I don't think you are overreacting to this at all.

[emmab219]

Like some days I think "is it really that bad?" because there are other people who have it worse out there. He's not abusive, he doesn't belittle me or treat me horribly. It's more just like...taking me for granted I think. Or just not being as attentive as I know he could be. I just find myself bitter and resentful, so then I get mean and I don't want to be mean to him. It makes it hard to be around him.

[d0nnivain]

You are not overreacting but you would also benefit from some eye opening truths you will learn at Al-Anon. I urge you to go to a few meetings then reassess the situation

[MidlifeMama]

He may be a good guy but he's an alcoholic and addicted to video games as well.

 

If he won't address his issues, you have a few choices...

Live like this forever.

 

Divorce and have the opportunity to find someone who is not an alcoholic or just find yourself.

 

Attend Al-anon or another support group for people dealing with a loved one who has an addiction.

 

Yes, there are worse out there, and there are better too. Men who do not stay up all night gaming and who do have an alcohol addiction. Don't fool yourself because he says he doesn't have hang-overs that he isn't an alcoholic. That is a key sign (saying he doesn't have a hang-over) how deep his alcoholism has gone. He has essentially raised his tolerance level.

 

You are not over-reacting. You do need to look within and decide if this is the life you truly want? Make your needs and expectations known. First you have to decide what those are. For example, Get help with the drinking and try to get on a sleep schedule where he is functional when you want to spend time with him. I don't think quitting drinking is going to come easily, nor is gaming addiction. There is help for both. You may suggest that counseling (Marriage) is needed because you feel alone in your relationship due to his fixations (addictions) to alcohol and gaming.

 

Not sure how old he is, but the gaming issue is big these days. It's as much of an addiction as anything else.

 

He isn't acting like a grown man, sorry, he isn't. He maintains a job (For now) but make no mistake a slip of alcohol or over-sleeping too much may jeopardize that.

 

I feel for you. You are playing second fiddle to alcohol and games. He needs help. He needs to face his issues but unless you tell him how much it's hurting you, he may not. Even then, be prepared, he still may not change or be able to at this point. Then you'll have to decide if this is going to be the way your marriage is going to be or if you need to live a better way.

[Els]

I go to bed much earlier than he does some nights because I have to be at work right around the time he's usually waking up. I certainly don't want to make him go to bed if he's not tired either. I guess I also don't really know how often people really do go to bed together at the same time. Rarely ever do we sleep in the same bed, and that's what's weird to me. And I've brought that up before. When I do, he'll at least make an effort to crawl into bed with me in the middle of the night. So that'll go on for a few days, before it's back to him sleeping out on the couch.

 

I'm not sure what other couples do, but the SO and I sleep at roughly the same time on weekends - 4-5am usually. We are both night owls and really enjoy spending the wee hours of the morning chilling out and doing things at home together. We'll usually wake at noon or so and then head out for brunch or go wherever we want to go for that day. On weekday nights he has to go to bed much earlier due to his work requiring it, but I work from home and can pick my own hours. So I'll usually go to bed with him when he needs to go to bed, then after he falls asleep, I'll get up and do some work and get some alone time on the internet.

 

I don't think there's any hard and fast rule, but if you are unhappy, that's a legitimate concern for you. Instead of trying to fix everything at the same time though, I'd focus on the really big problems and work your way down.

 

I think what bothers me about his sleeping schedule is that it revolves around the drinking and video games. It's just not a healthy lifestyle and it makes me worried. I've talked to him about both. The video games he claims are not an addiction for him. Like honestly thinks it's ridiculous whenever I bring it up. The drinking he does admit to being a problem. We've had that conversation multiple times and when his friend told his about his own alcoholism and attending AA, my husband reconsidered going. I thought that was maybe going to be the start of a breakthrough but nothing ever came of it. He doesn't want to go to AA because I think it involved religious undertones and a lot of turning to "God" and neither of us are religious. But also it would require him to quit drinking altogether which he doesn't want to do. He still wants to drink on the weekends-- but he can't even stop drinking for a full five day work week. He tries, but he just can't do it.

 

I guess I just really struggle with if I'm overreacting or not to all of this.

 

I find it hard to believe that he cannot find ANY AA group that doesn't involve religion. It sounds to me like he isn't that interested in trying. Have you told him that you are seriously considering leaving if he carries on like this?

 

 

Really? Because this would be a deal breaker for me. This is not one person going to bed at 10pm and the other staying up until midnight. This is staying up until 6am

 

Yes, that is a very valid personal preference. In general, I do think that morning larks work best with fellow morning larks, and night owls with fellow night owls. But unlike the other aspects of their relationship where he is clearly in the wrong, I would say that this is mostly a compatibility problem and should be resolved like one - via compromise.

 

and spending the better part of the weekend either playing video games or sleeping, rather than spending time with your spouse. That would be very upsetting for me.

 

And, I would suggest... He may say that he doesn't feel hungover, but that does not mean that he is not hungover. For someone who drinks this much and has such unusual sleep patterns, I would suggest that he probably doesn't even remember what it is to feel any differently... ie. his "normal" may actually be exhausted and hungover. If/when he ever gets sober, he may be surprised to realize how much better he would feel.

 

Yeah, the excessive gaming and drinking is a huge problem. If he is unwilling to get help for it, it may be best for the OP to leave.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

 

 

Yeah, the excessive gaming and drinking is a huge problem. If he is unwilling to get help for it, it may be best for the OP to leave.

 

It may be just what he needs to get him to want a make a change.

[emmab219]

He's thirty-six years old, but certainly hasn't been acting that way. And the fact that he doesn't get hangovers has always been something I've thought was concerning but it all made sense when I realized he was an addict. I just can't believe it took me so long to see what was right in front of me. It's a Sunday night and where do you think he is...drinking and playing video games.

 

Like I said, he knows he has a drinking problem but he still thinks he can stop anytime he wants to. He can't, though. And i've asked about AA multiple times and he just gets mad when I bring it up. To him, the video games are a non-issue. I honestly just don't think he sees what he's doing. I can't explain his behavior because I don't understand it.

 

Last week was the first time i decided to really put my foot down and start making some changes for my own sake. My best friend has offered multiple times for me to stay with her, even for just a night or two, if I need to. So we had a discussion about his drinking and I was very honest about how it was hurting me and that if he didn't stop, i wasn't going to need to leave....a few nights later we had an argument and he pretty much threw it in my face and made me feel bad. Basically said i was hurting him for threatening to leave him, and was upset I confided in my friend about what is happening. I kind of see that's the behavior of an alcoholic, though, right? Turning your words against you. Or maybe that's just him.

 

I don't want to jump into making any big decisions, but I know I'm tired of living like this and I don't have to anymore. So I'll see how this Al-Anon meeting goes on Thursday and am also planning on confiding in my sister this weekend when I go stay with her. She has no idea what's been happening, and she keeps texting me about taking boxes of her old maternity clothes and my niece's baby clothes home with me and in my head I'm just thinking 'how is she going to react when I tell her I don't know if I want to have kids with my husband anymore?' Ugh...I just hate all of this. My sister is one of the strongest women, I know. She's a life coach so she's basically programmed to give advice and guide people through their problems. Plus, she actually ended her first engagement with her ex because he was a video gaming addict. So while i'm nervous about opening up to her, I know she will understand.

 

Thanks again everyone who has posted and talked me through this. It's been so helpful and eye opening, it really has.

[MidlifeMama]

Your sister sounds like the perfect person to confide in!! Your situation is heart-breaking because I know you love your husband and feel he is a good guy. I'm sure he is. He's just a good guy with some issues. But you are right, you don't have to live like this. It can only be HIM fixing it at this point.

 

I think a separation is in order. He may be able to wake up and get help and if he does not, you'll be able to move forward with your life. I'm not saying it will be easy, but I hope you find peace and happiness.

 

The last thing you want is to bring children into this situation.

 

I know someone who stayed with her spouse for over 20 years who was/is a good guy but a functioning alcoholic. He rarely did anything with the family. Now the kids are grown and she feels she wasted her life staying and now wants to live. He slowed the drinking but never to the point of stopping or engaging with her or the family. It's a sad and lonely life.

 

Take care of yourself!

[BaileyB]

You sister will be a wonderful support for you.

 

Yes, I agree that a separation is in order. Hopefully, it will be the reality check your husband needs to understand that he needs to make some changes in his life.

 

You are a strong woman! Best wishes to you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Emma, after reading the latest posts by you I am convinced your marriage is completely dysfunctional. This is no way to live a married life and if your husband cannot see it then that's just too bad for him. I agree with the others who have suggested a separation. I would go further and say divorce him now while the going is good for you. I am continually surprised when I read about how one spouse knew about the great weakness in their SO before marriage and yet went ahead an d married them. I would rather follow Kazen's example than get married to a bundle of problems. I believe marriage is for life. If that be the case then one should be very circumspect in the choice of one's life partner. Please make use of your friend's offer and just leave preferably when your husband is not there as I am sure he will prevent you from doing so. You can always leave a note explaining what you are doing and why. Warm wishws.