Found hairs that aren't mine.

[Pequeen1]

Ok Im not really sure about where to post this and how to go about this so here goes. Im going to give a little background on my marriage so there is some perspective as to why im asking this question.

 

Been married 6 years, 2 children....husband is 27 years older and has grown children besides our 2. When we got together i didnt know how old he was until after i started having feelings so it didnt bother me. We did everything together, went out and spent time together and he love bombed me. As the years have gone by that has stopped. Two years ago i finally told him that it bothered me he did very little with me and the boys and that we never spent time together alone. He told me that this is how it is to get over it and told me that phase of our relationship is over. Hes not been there for me through major life events like the death of my grandmother (he didnt go to second viewing and wasnt near me for the first or the burial). He comes home from work and sits on his computer in front of the tv while i do most of the housework and parenting. I went to counseling and me mocked me. I asked him to go and his way of saying no is to ignore i said anything. Ten months ago i found a prescription bottle and found out he has genital herpes, has had it for 30 years and just didnt feel the need to tell me cuz it was hard "conversation to have" and he didnt want me to leave. He keeps the meds hidden and doesnt take them (i count them) even though i have told him it would go a long way in me trusting him if i saw him take them (he was shocked i dont trust him)

 

So now my question.....i keep finding long blonde and shorter brown hairs in my house. I clean every sunday. My mom and sister were in town two months ago. But ive found these hairs beside my bed, in front of my bathroom sink, IN my bathroom sink after i cleaned and left for a week....he was home in the middle of that vacation for 2 days and my brother who lives with us found a hair on the toilet bowl that matched one in my sink during those two days. (And no these hairs arent from my brother bringing a woman home....i asked repeatedly and he knows im freaking out). Ive found hairs in the hall bathroom tub multiple times too. I just dont know what to think....and its driving me crazy.

 

Help

[Gaeta]

Why do you care at all about hair ! Take your 2 kids and leave. Your life was already miserable before you found those hair.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The hairs are a huge red flag. Can you get a voice activated recorder and set it up in your home?

[Pequeen1]

Ok let me add a few things....

 

1 I have short hair, pixie style

2 he doesn’t have a cell phone, refuses to get one

3 I’ve checked his email there’s nothing there except a few emails years ago to old flame that had a few emotional hints, basically idea of one you’ll never get over stuff

 

 

I bought hidden camera yesterday

[road]

The hairs are a huge red flag. Can you get a voice activated recorder and set it up in your home?

 

Also hide a small camera in the rooms where you found the

hairs. Between the VAR and the cameras you will have your

proof.

 

Also hide a VAR in your husbands car.

 

I say divorce him now. Though I understand your need to

have proof first before you make a move.

[Gaeta]

Why do you go through all of that spying when he treats you like dirt already?

[Pequeen1]

Good question.....

[Pequeen1]

Why do you go through all of that spying when he treats you like dirt already?

 

This is something i struggle with daily. I started saving money a while ago and saw an attorney after the herpes thing and i talked to husband and he told me i was going to throw our marriage away for something minor. He doesnt see why im unhappy...the things that bothered me before. He will "try" for a few weeks and then when he doesnt get the response he wants immediately he quits. He tells me that hes never said the things hes said....sadly i have a great memory.

 

Im worried about screwing up my kids by leaving. Im worried about screwing them up by staying....

[newmoon]

my first thought went to a small hidden camera, so i hope that works out. once you see something (or not) you'll make the right decision. you might be the type of person that just wants solid proof before you exit.

[BaileyB]

I started saving money a while ago and saw an attorney after the herpes thing and i talked to husband and he told me i was going to throw our marriage away for something minor.

 

Your husband is gaslighting you. Google search the term. What he is doing is disrespectful and emotionally abusive.

 

In his words, you are going to throw away your marriage for something "minor." I don't know - a husband who lies to me about an STD, belittles me, mocks me, does not share responsibilities, refuses to show affection, and is quite possibly having an affair in your own home - well, those don't seem like "minor issues" to me.

 

I wouldn't worry about finding the person to whom those hairs belong, I would file for divorce before the sun goes down. Kids are resilient. They will be fine. What kind of a role model do they really have at home anyway...

 

Take care of yourself and your children.

Edited October 29, 2017 by BaileyB

[Just a Guy]

Hi Pequeen, I have just one thing to say. You two are as compatible as a lamb and a lion. This man is old enough to be your father for God's sake! I would feel sick if I had to be married to some one that much older than me. Get out while the going is good. No need to wait around for proof of anything. God, he's had herpes since before you were born. Come on lady have some self respect, this man has cradle snatched you and you are contented with it. He just needed a house keeper and someone to keep him warm at night. I am sure that by now he has ED and other old age problems and you're soon going to become his stay at home nurse. Just make tracks lady. Warm wishes.

[MJJean]

I hate to say it, but I'd bet my last $ that he's cheating and I'd also bet my last $ that he hasn't told the woman or women he's cheating with that he has the herp.

 

Frankly, I'd consider failure to disclose the herpes and failure to properly take his medication for the herpes as dealbreakers and grounds for divorce. The piss poor treatment would just cement the decision.

[deadsoul]

Does an affair matter at this point? Will it be the final straw for you? You seem to be putting up with way more than anyone should.

 

Good luck, OP. Please keep us posted, though it sounds like the way he treats you, an affair is just icing on a sh** cake.

 

You deserve better.

[MidlifeMama]

I think "Proof" is only going to hurt you more. Do you really want to see him screwing someone else? There are weird hairs everywhere, he is aloof, mocking you...He's having an affair.

 

Get your ducks in a row. If he treats his children's Mother with such disrespect when they are young, can you imagine how the kids will be when they are even more impressionable as they get older? They may repeat the pattern.

 

Sounds like he decided starting over at his age was not really what he had anticipated. Doesn't matter. You still have your youth, your children. It's o.k. to say this isn't good for me and I need out.

 

Speak with a lawyer. Understand that it's going to be painful, but you'll get through it. Lean on family and friends.

 

BTW, not telling you about his STD was insanely irresponsible and horrible. You should have been able to protect yourself, even if you had decided up front that it wasn't a deal breaker. Get tested. You don't have to have lesions to pass the virus. It is not right to knowingly expose someone to an STD. I don't mean to scare you, but you should know in case he has exposed you.

 

He has checked out. I'm sorry. I hope you'll find the courage to get out of this marriage..it's dysfunctional in so many ways

Best of luck!

[BaileyB]

Absolutely, exposing you to an STD and lying about it is insanely irresponsible. You should get tested. If you do divorce and date another man, you will need to be honest with him about the risk.

 

It's sad, but your husband has put your health at risk and taken away your rights. For that reason alone, I would send him packing...

[Pequeen1]

I was tested....Twice. i tested negative for it. Which is why ive told him i cant be intimate with him. That plus the trust issue just really make it impossible right now.

[BaileyB]

I was tested....Twice. i tested negative for it. Which is why ive told him i cant be intimate with him. That plus the trust issue just really make it impossible right now.

 

Good for you. Now having heard this, he is most certainly cheating on you, in your own home. The question is - what are you planning to do about this all?

Edited October 29, 2017 by BaileyB

[amaysngrace]

Why are you even with him? He's old, diseased, disengaged, rude, deceptive and probably a cheat.

 

Good for you for getting counseling. It sounds like it's helping you become more aware of the difference between right and wrong.

[Pequeen1]

I’ve stayed because I made a commitment. My parents divorced when I was 20 and I swore I wouldn’t put my kids through that...

 

Counseling was for many reasons, losing my grandmother and coping with that as well as dealing with the issues at home that I thought were in my head. It was never about right and wrong...I knew he was wrong for not telling me....it was more could I forgive him and move forward.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I’ve stayed because I made a commitment. My parents divorced when I was 20 and I swore I wouldn’t put my kids through that...

 

 

So, since you won't leave, how can we help you?

[amaysngrace]

I’ve stayed because I made a commitment. My parents divorced when I was 20 and I swore I wouldn’t put my kids through that...

 

Counseling was for many reasons, losing my grandmother and coping with that as well as dealing with the issues at home that I thought were in my head. It was never about right and wrong...I knew he was wrong for not telling me....it was more could I forgive him and move forward.

 

I never understood people who stay for the kids, probably because I left for mine.

 

Anyway, can you forgive every single thing he does or doesn't do that you know in your heart is wrong? He has shown such little regard for your well being that I am curious how you can overlook that.

 

Do you want your children to think it's okay to be treated like crap as long as they have someone by their side pretending to love them?

[Pequeen1]

I never understood people who stay for the kids, probably because I left for mine.

 

Anyway, can you forgive every single thing he does or doesn't do that you know in your heart is wrong? He has shown such little regard for your well being that I am curious how you can overlook that.

 

Do you want your children to think it's okay to be treated like crap as long as they have someone by their side pretending to love them?

 

Let me clarify, I said I’d stay as a 20 something year old before I had kids and was was actually in a position where I actually considered leaving. No I don’t want my kids, both boys, to grow up thinking it’s ok not to consider how your actions and words hurt others. They’re 6 and 3 and starting to pick up habits I don’t like...luckily he spends very little individual time with them, but I worry to think what would happen if he did spend more. I think he does love them, as much as he’s capable...he’s never intentionally hurt them....he just does it without awareness.

 

I’ve done everything but walk out and file paperwork, I haven’t worn my ring for months. I don’t like the idea of being a quitter or making mistake here....maybe I posted here to make sure I wasn’t being irrational as this behavior has just been my norm for years now.

[Pequeen1]

So, since you won't leave, how can we help you?

 

Never said i wont...just that i had stayed for this long for that reason.....things chance and situations happen you never saw coming....def never saw herpes coming.

[BaileyB]

I’ve stayed because I made a commitment. My parents divorced when I was 20 and I swore I wouldn’t put my kids through that...

 

Ah, the old "I've made a commitment and I'm not a quitter, so I'm going to go down with this ship" argument... Darling, your husband has not held up his end of the bargain, so you are thus released from yours.

 

I feel badly for your children, because they are being raised in an unhealthy environment and this is what they are learning about relationships. Your husband is teaching your children that it is fine to be rude, disrespectful, and mean to other people - to a wife. You are teaching them that a person - a wife - shouldn't expect anything more.

 

But, don't fear. Your children are smart. It won't be long before they see their father for who he really is - a rude, disrespectful, and ignorant man who can't be bothered to spend time with his children. They will then begin to distance themselves from their father.

 

They will also see you for who you are - a woman, who stayed in a bad marriage and ALLOWED her husband to treat her badly for years because she never left.

 

Would you rather your children learn that they have a strong mother who has enough self respect to leave the marriage and say - you will not treat me or my children this way anymore?

Edited October 30, 2017 by BaileyB

[amaysngrace]

I’ve done everything but walk out and file paperwork, I haven’t worn my ring for months. I don’t like the idea of being a quitter or making mistake here....maybe I posted here to make sure I wasn’t being irrational as this behavior has just been my norm for years now.

 

It's definitely a bad situation. I think the feedback you've gotten here has been unanimous in that.

 

Do you love this man? And does he love you? And what would you like to see happen? He scoffed at you for going to counseling so I'm not sure that he'd consider marriage counseling....would he and is that what you want?